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Advice to Politicians After NY Jewish Vote

All these klutzes and yentes rushing to NY for votes certainly have campaign staff doing Wikipedia research on Jews and how to get their vote.

Thus we get Cruz baking matzah

Cruz Banking Matzah

Hillary will probably visit New Square to pardon a few more of their criminals for their vote and Trump will say that he’s going to republish The Art of the Deal and call it The Shtick of the Handel.

But all these politicians should take a quick listen to the inimitable Shmuel Kunda for some political advice:

And Bernie Sanders should take some advice from Kunda as well: he should have stopped at de Blasio’s office for a token before trying to ride the subway.




Lessons From Yom Tov Season

Obama's sederI was never the rabbi type. When I’d listen to the tired old lessons drawn from the parsha, usually illustrated with the old king and prince†trope, I’d wonder where the rabbi took his inspiration; did he really think this up on his own? Did he really draw that lesson from the parsha, or did he have to squeeze it out like a bad turd?

Well I’m thinking now that this business of drawing lessons from the parsha or the yom tov du jour comes with age, maybe, because I suddenly find myself thinking about what I can learn from Purim, or the upcoming Pesach, other than new, more creative excuses for getting out of the house while cleaning is underway.† [click to continue…]


Purim Blues

Purim in YeshivaAfter Shloime had fasted for 12 hours, put the half-shekel in the pushka, davened mincha, took a nap so they would have energy to dance all night, ran to the liquor store before it closed so they can get wasted, and pulled out the torn jeans they’d bought at the thrift store Shloime felt ready for the happiness that would envelop him that night.
Shloime looked forward to Purim all year; it was the one time that he felt comfortable dancing and singing with abandon in front of his friends and rebbeim. This usually reserved 12th grader wasn’t exactly a morose bochur, but he certainly wasn’t the ebullient type either. He tended to avoid the gym and the baseball field, opting, rather, to sit in his room and read the books he’d borrowed from the library.
He attended to his studies when he had to, he would even raise his hand du
ring shiur and ask a question, but he felt an uneasiness around his rebbeim, feeling like he was somehow apart, that he wouldn’t ultimately prove to be a source of pride to them.

But on Purim, after a few furtive sips from the double malt he would keep hidden in the Ginger Ale bottle, he would become a different person; he would open up like a rose in bloom, allowing everyone to look in. He would dance and sing at the top of his lungs. He knew he could sing on tune, enough people had complimented him on that, and through his drunken haze he had enough awareness to know that people admired his Purim antics.
Immediately after the megillah reading Shloime took off to his dorm room at a run. And, while everyone else shuffled out to the dining room to break the fast on franks-in-blanks and bourekas, Shloime took his first quick swallow of the scotch. This night was going to be great!
[click to continue…]


“Just Sign Here”

FBI in MonseyNo one’s celebrating the FBI raids in Monsey, Kiryas Joel, Williamsburg and who-knows-where-next. No one with a heart, that is.

The fact is that frum schools simply cannot survive on tuition alone, as the posuk†says “lo al halechem l’vad yichyeh ha’adam”†(we’ll leave off the rest of the posuk for now because that’s partially responsible for†the crushing financial burden in chassidish and yeshivish communities.) So what’s a school supposed to do if its parent body cannot afford to pay full tuition, its philanthropic pool is way maxed out and its alumni is helping pay their own grandchildren’s tuition with nothing left over to give back?

In the olden days they milked the lunch program, moving kids from school to school on inspection days to fill up every school’s lunchroom. When I was in school where they only had secular studies through 4th grade level (as you can tell), they had closets stacked with books through the 8th grade level. I don’t know this for a fact but I always assumed they must have claimed they were teaching all those classes, I don’t think it’s an unsafe assumption.

Those were the innocent days of petty theft. We’re on a whole new level now. [click to continue…]


Don’t Judge Judaism By The Jews

It’s curious but I’ve never heard anyone invoke that saying while touting the great things Jews do.

Conversely, while the saying “don’t judge Judaism by the Jews” is being invoked to do away with a Jew’s bad behavior, you never hear the excuser turn around and say “don’t judge the Jews by Judaism”.

It’s a curious world we live in.


Everyone’s a Moron

imageRegular person: “My life isn’t measured by how much money I can gather.”

Everyone:†Block this person’s posts but stay friends?

Random person: “Here’s a picture of my food in a cool restaurant plus my cleavage.”

Rich Person: “Money isn’t a measure of a person’s worth.”

Everyone: “THANK YOU! SOOO true.”


Wherein it doesn’t actually get besser.

rabbi shmuley boteachI checked out a certain otd organization which shall remain nameless that offers you help in transitioning from a stifling conformist frum world to a stifling conformist slightly colder world.

It doesn’t get besser. All everyone in the world does is show off their shitty lives and money they earned through taking corporate cock for 10 years in a desperate attempt to hook slightly non-ancient and decrepit bitches.

I want to write a story about a guy who never ages but who’s life just remains meaningless forever. He’s been around since the earliest humans but he always occupies the same middle rung in the ladder. It’s just newer and newer families and tribes and groups and societies. By now, he’s all burnt out and all does he’s been doing for a hundred thousand years is smoke masturbate and fail to hit on women. He has to try really hard at that for it to be funny. He just keeps trying strategies for 2000 years and getting no’s. He’s probably also really smart because he’s been around forever but nobody really listens to him because he’s just some shmuck.

Anyhow, I don’t know what this post is. Just checking in. I’m going back down now.

Find me when its done.