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Sexy Menorah Needs a Home

Chelsea Market sexy menorahThis incredible menorah was commissioned for the Chelsea Market for Christmas and Hanukka and was designed with Hanky Panky Underwear and with their donated scraps of lace.

The maker of this sexy menorah is looking to sell it, and barring that, a temporary home would be appreciated as well. If your office is in need of some new decoration, feel free to get in touch with me (shragigetzel @ gmail com) and I’ll put you in touch with her.

Each leg has it's own light switch in a hidden panel on the gold mirrored base (base measures 9x1x2.6)

Each leg has it’s own light switch in a hidden panel on the gold mirrored base (base measures 9x1x2.6)



How not to get stuff removed from a website

retardDisclaimer: I felt this issue was important enough of a mussar lesson to come out of retirement briefly. As you surely know, most people don’t realize I’m in retirement, there are still several thousand folks actually reading the drivel I wrote throughout the years and I still like to read my fan mail and pretend like I’m some famous blogger still. Anyways, I received a very angry email the other day from the creator of Halachipedia.com and I felt that he could use some advice and mussar, because he demonstrated clearly that he only cares about halacha and not about that whole “being a nice person” type of stuff. I know the halacha doesn’t clearly state that you don’t have to be a schmuck, but no one, not even Hashem – likes assholes. [click to continue…]


Heshy Takes to NPR to Make Chillul Hashem

From The Technicality Show where Heshy recently appeared:

On today’s show, it’s all about the technicalities, the loopholes, artful dodges and escapes. From how to get away with murder, to how to turn the lights off when your religion prohibits it.



Hear the whole show, as well as some of the kulas that Catholics rely on, here.

And be sure to check out the kickass post that started this here.


Learn more about the Shabbos Goy at 4torah.com


Does Your Mom Sound Like This Over Text?

Is this a Jewish mother thing or do all mothers sound this way by text message? Or do no mothers sound this way altogether?

For more Jewish Mother action check out 4torah.com


Customs for the menuvalim this holiday.

Merry ChanOOka.

The following customs apply during this festive week.

  1. We call viagra pills “dreidels” since by both we say nes gadol hayah sham.
  2. Some are makpid to use massage oil before intimate moments. For those who are careful to wrap, remember that olive oil may affect latex. Use kosher lube and a segulah ring.
  3. Hipster menuvalim go to sexy cosplay conventions dressed up as Judith and Judah Maccabee. Judith does teshuva for her tryst with Holofernes by giving him head. It’s obscure, you probably wouldn’t understand it.

Seasons Greetings from Porn4Jews.

Long lasting













Search for more pritzus at 4Torah.com


Hillel IsraelI just read a very illuminating article on the Forward which taught me everything I ever wanted to know about the life of some dude named Tuvia Tenenbom who is in search of happiness.

His search for happiness starts at the central bus station in Jerusalem where he first tries to relieve his boredom by eavesdropping on the taxi dispatcher’s phone conversation, then by watching TV, then by having a conversation with the dispatcher; none of these activities can fill the void in Tuvia’s starved soul. So he gets into a taxi, which is wonderful, and it’s especially wonderful that cops aren’t out giving speeding tickets because they’re busy catching firebombers, rocks and bullets. He has a cigarette. He’s happy that this particular driver allows him to smoke in the car. Unfortunately the wonderful car ride ends before he finishes his cigarette.

Tenebom’s search for happiness then takes him to Hillel, an organization dedicated to infusing happiness into the miserable lives of Israeli OTDers. He eagerly expects to find happiness here. He arrives just in time for the Friday night meal, but the food is bland, no happiness there. He’s told that 70% of Hillel’s membership left Orthodoxy because they were sexually molested but, most frustratingly, no one will admit to being among the 70%, no happiness there. Everyone claims to have stopped believing in god but they can’t explain their theology to him, still no happiness.

Tenenbom is getting frustrated, he asks them to pose for a picture hoping to capture their misery and bottle it up for resale. Once again he’s frustrated, they all smile. Full of frustration he nevertheless skillfully masks his feelings and smiles too.

After leaving Hillel Tenenbom’s search for happiness finally bears fruit. In the taxi on his way home he finds a kindred spirit – an Arab driver who bullshits about being married to a German woman, about having “very, very rich” parents, about how wonderful life as an Arab with Allah is. Tenebom promises himself to convert to rich-German-Arabdom next week, for although he knows the cabbie’s stories are as fake as his smile, at least it makes him happy.


Search for happiness at 4torah.com


Bring Heshy Back!

heshy fried cook

We at Frum Satire are very attuned to your needs. Very. Many, including me, have asked for Heshy’s return and Heshy finally said to me “fine, I’ll write something…” (that ellipses was a bleep because this is a family show). But so far he hasn’t followed through. Your vote carries a lot of weight with Heshy, the way it always has, so vote now.