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Purim Blues

Purim in YeshivaAfter Shloime had fasted for 12 hours, put the half-shekel in the pushka, davened mincha, took a nap so they would have energy to dance all night, ran to the liquor store before it closed so they can get wasted, and pulled out the torn jeans they’d bought at the thrift store Shloime felt ready for the happiness that would envelop him that night.
Shloime looked forward to Purim all year; it was the one time that he felt comfortable dancing and singing with abandon in front of his friends and rebbeim. This usually reserved 12th grader wasn’t exactly a morose bochur, but he certainly wasn’t the ebullient type either. He tended to avoid the gym and the baseball field, opting, rather, to sit in his room and read the books he’d borrowed from the library.
He attended to his studies when he had to, he would even raise his hand du
ring shiur and ask a question, but he felt an uneasiness around his rebbeim, feeling like he was somehow apart, that he wouldn’t ultimately prove to be a source of pride to them.

But on Purim, after a few furtive sips from the double malt he would keep hidden in the Ginger Ale bottle, he would become a different person; he would open up like a rose in bloom, allowing everyone to look in. He would dance and sing at the top of his lungs. He knew he could sing on tune, enough people had complimented him on that, and through his drunken haze he had enough awareness to know that people admired his Purim antics.
Immediately after the megillah reading Shloime took off to his dorm room at a run. And, while everyone else shuffled out to the dining room to break the fast on franks-in-blanks and bourekas, Shloime took his first quick swallow of the scotch. This night was going to be great!
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“Just Sign Here”

FBI in MonseyNo one’s celebrating the FBI raids in Monsey, Kiryas Joel, Williamsburg and who-knows-where-next. No one with a heart, that is.

The fact is that frum schools simply cannot survive on tuition alone, as the posuk says “lo al halechem l’vad yichyeh ha’adam” (we’ll leave off the rest of the posuk for now because that’s partially responsible for the crushing financial burden in chassidish and yeshivish communities.) So what’s a school supposed to do if its parent body cannot afford to pay full tuition, its philanthropic pool is way maxed out and its alumni is helping pay their own grandchildren’s tuition with nothing left over to give back?

In the olden days they milked the lunch program, moving kids from school to school on inspection days to fill up every school’s lunchroom. When I was in school where they only had secular studies through 4th grade level (as you can tell), they had closets stacked with books through the 8th grade level. I don’t know this for a fact but I always assumed they must have claimed they were teaching all those classes, I don’t think it’s an unsafe assumption.

Those were the innocent days of petty theft. We’re on a whole new level now. [click to continue…]


Don’t Judge Judaism By The Jews

It’s curious but I’ve never heard anyone invoke that saying while touting the great things Jews do.

Conversely, while the saying “don’t judge Judaism by the Jews” is being invoked to do away with a Jew’s bad behavior, you never hear the excuser turn around and say “don’t judge the Jews by Judaism”.

It’s a curious world we live in.


Everyone’s a Moron

imageRegular person: “My life isn’t measured by how much money I can gather.”

Everyone: Block this person’s posts but stay friends?

Random person: “Here’s a picture of my food in a cool restaurant plus my cleavage.”

Rich Person: “Money isn’t a measure of a person’s worth.”

Everyone: “THANK YOU! SOOO true.”


Wherein it doesn’t actually get besser.

rabbi shmuley boteachI checked out a certain otd organization which shall remain nameless that offers you help in transitioning from a stifling conformist frum world to a stifling conformist slightly colder world.

It doesn’t get besser. All everyone in the world does is show off their shitty lives and money they earned through taking corporate cock for 10 years in a desperate attempt to hook slightly non-ancient and decrepit bitches.

I want to write a story about a guy who never ages but who’s life just remains meaningless forever. He’s been around since the earliest humans but he always occupies the same middle rung in the ladder. It’s just newer and newer families and tribes and groups and societies. By now, he’s all burnt out and all does he’s been doing for a hundred thousand years is smoke masturbate and fail to hit on women. He has to try really hard at that for it to be funny. He just keeps trying strategies for 2000 years and getting no’s. He’s probably also really smart because he’s been around forever but nobody really listens to him because he’s just some shmuck.

Anyhow, I don’t know what this post is. Just checking in. I’m going back down now.

Find me when its done.


Jews of JSwipe

Guest post by BJJgirl666

JSwipeI was recently shmoozing with my chavrusa, Shmuli Grosshmeckel, and (unsurprisingly) we ended up complaining  about our struggles in shidduchim.

I was complaining to him about how nowadays, though the advanced state of technology is supposed to make everything more efficient, unfortunately it made the world of shidduchim even more complicated than it was originally.

Shmuli asked me, “Have you tried JSwipe?”

I told him I have not, but that I was intrigued.

He proceeded to show me his profile. For the most part, judging by his pictures, like an erlich yeshiva bochur with great middos, but I got confused when he wrote something about being a “big spoon”.

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Chanukah is a Jewish triumph.

Every morning before the Jewish people would get there to sacrifice, a priest would light the menorah in the Bais hamikdash. Every morning he’d get up early to light it and every night it would go out. This light symbolized God’s presence in the holy temple. They would carefully grow and prepare the olive oil using only the best olives to pour into the golden menorah.
Then the Greeks came. And after months of fighting a bloody battle, and putting an idol in the temple, they destroyed all the oil. And the light that hadn’t gone out for hundreds of years, went dark. But just as the jews were about to give up hope, they found canister of oil that hadn’t been touched to last for one more day. And the priest went up as he had done all other days and he poured the oil into the menorah and he lit it and he probably thought, “At least we’ll have it one more day”. But God made a miracle and when he came back the next day it was still lit and when he left at night, it was still let and when he came the next morning- it was still lit. And the priests fell to their knees and wept and thanked God for their faith restored. And eight days later God said “What do you think I’m made of money?”

And the priests grumbled and said “Fine fine we’ll go make more oil.”