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Customs for the menuvalim this holiday.

Merry ChanOOka.

The following customs apply during this festive week.

  1. We call viagra pills “dreidels” since by both we say nes gadol hayah sham.
  2. Some are makpid to use massage oil before intimate moments. For those who are careful to wrap, remember that olive oil may affect latex. Use kosher lube and a segulah ring.
  3. Hipster menuvalim go to sexy cosplay conventions dressed up as Judith and Judah Maccabee. Judith does teshuva for her tryst with Holofernes by giving him head. It’s obscure, you probably wouldn’t understand it.

Seasons Greetings from Porn4Jews.

Long lasting

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Search for more pritzus at 4Torah.com

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Hillel IsraelI just read a very illuminating article on the Forward which taught me everything I ever wanted to know about the life of some dude named Tuvia Tenenbom who is in search of happiness.

His search for happiness starts at the central bus station in Jerusalem where he first tries to relieve his boredom by eavesdropping on the taxi dispatcher’s phone conversation, then by watching TV, then by having a conversation with the dispatcher; none of these activities can fill the void in Tuvia’s starved soul. So he gets into a taxi, which is wonderful, and it’s especially wonderful that cops aren’t out giving speeding tickets because they’re busy catching firebombers, rocks and bullets. He has a cigarette. He’s happy that this particular driver allows him to smoke in the car. Unfortunately the wonderful car ride ends before he finishes his cigarette.

Tenebom’s search for happiness then takes him to Hillel, an organization dedicated to infusing happiness into the miserable lives of Israeli OTDers. He eagerly expects to find happiness here. He arrives just in time for the Friday night meal, but the food is bland, no happiness there. He’s told that 70% of Hillel’s membership left Orthodoxy because they were sexually molested but, most frustratingly, no one will admit to being among the 70%, no happiness there. Everyone claims to have stopped believing in god but they can’t explain their theology to him, still no happiness.

Tenenbom is getting frustrated, he asks them to pose for a picture hoping to capture their misery and bottle it up for resale. Once again he’s frustrated, they all smile. Full of frustration he nevertheless skillfully masks his feelings and smiles too.

After leaving Hillel Tenenbom’s search for happiness finally bears fruit. In the taxi on his way home he finds a kindred spirit – an Arab driver who bullshits about being married to a German woman, about having “very, very rich” parents, about how wonderful life as an Arab with Allah is. Tenebom promises himself to convert to rich-German-Arabdom next week, for although he knows the cabbie’s stories are as fake as his smile, at least it makes him happy.

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Search for happiness at 4torah.com

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Bring Heshy Back!

heshy fried cook

We at Frum Satire are very attuned to your needs. Very. Many, including me, have asked for Heshy’s return and Heshy finally said to me “fine, I’ll write something…” (that ellipses was a bleep because this is a family show). But so far he hasn’t followed through. Your vote carries a lot of weight with Heshy, the way it always has, so vote now.

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A Modern Hanukkah Story

Moster

More than two thousand years ago our forefathers hid in caves to pass on the traditions of their forefathers; to teach Torah, to play dreidel and to make sure that their children never ever learn number theory, or whatever other kefirah Pythagoras was cooking up. Even back then, way before the invention of the Nobel Prize, Jews knew that their knowledge was superior to all other knowledge and even if the Greeks were building bridges and bathhouses while they were worrying about the size of an egg, well, after all, hadn’t Hashem created the Greeks to serve the Jews? [click to continue…]

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Tznius Alert

Maroon-Women-Knitted-Cap

While taking the A train this morning along with all the YU guys who have internships on Wall Street I noticed something very disturbing, a real breach in tznius. I saw a very pretty young lady, she looked frum which means that I’m only allowed to check her out if she’s unmarried.

I checked for the usual signs of marriage – the sheitel, but I couldn’t tell whether she was wearing a sheitel or not because she was wearing a knitted hat over her hair – I checked for a ring, but she was wearing gloves so I couldn’t tell whether there was a ring there or not. [click to continue…]

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Kiruv Rabbi Smackdown

On-the-kiruv-clown

Anyone who’s found themselves struggling with “the big questions” in their lifetime has listened to Avigdor Miller talk about the wondrousness of the apple and the orange and how you can see Hashem just by looking at them, has heard Noach Weinberg tell the story of the bike rider who was riding along when Hashem suddenly came out of nowhere and pushed him off a cliff and then flew down the cliff after the falling bicyclist to save him from getting hurt. You would have heard Amnon Yitzchak and Uri Zohar tell you how you can see Hashem in the fact they, such successful people in the secular world, became frum! Mah rabu masecha hashem! 

Let’s have a vote on which of the following rabbis delivers the best argument for seeing Hashem in the world: [click to continue…]

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Jewbellish Finally Makes the Wall Street Journal

Jewbellish

It’s taken log enough, but frum comedy is finally making the mainstream media. Wait! Did I just say mainstream media? I think I just gave away my years of listening to Rush Limbaugh.

Heshy’s an award winning stand up comedian with his own YouTube channel and then there’s David Finkelstein who manages to make fun of his frum dress code at a comedy club here but none of this was good enough for the Wall Street Journal, they had to wait for Mendy Pellin to parody Taylor Swift before they would cover the frum comedy scene. [click to continue…]

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