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Who Needs Pictures?

by Shmilka Bernstein

Hillary's HandI am upset by the decision of Yated Ne’eman to show the hand of Hillary Clinton. Where did their seichel go? Now there will be pressure on them to treat Trump the same way. We all know what terrible lewd thoughts cross American minds now about his hands. They might just as well start showing pictures of Metzitzah B’Peh.

This whole business of pictures is a bad idea. You now have pictures of rabbonim from earlier eras in their youth. Suddenly you have clean shaven poskim and roshei yeshiva, loy aleinu, not to mention bubbes who are untznius and zeides without Borsalinos. With the disgusting blogs around, PhotoShopping eventually gets revealed. [click to continue…]


Shavuos Schedule

BaisMedrashInterior11:00-12:00           Shlep out meal as long as possible

12:00-12:05           Pre learning mussar

12:05-12:07           Set up shtender

12:07-12:10           Coffee

12:10-12:30           Chazar Babba Kama

12:30-12:35           Coffee

12:35-12:45           Break

12:45-1:00              Kuzari Beiyun

1:00-1:10                Coffee/bathroom

1:10-1:30                Tikkun liel Shavuos

1:30-1:33                Bathroom

1:33-1:40                Reb Chaim on Tashbisu

1:40-1:50                Bathroom/coffee/bathroom

1:50-2:00                Break

2:00-2:15                Brisker Rov on Chanukah

2:15-2:16                bathroom

2:17-2:40                Mesachtas Megillah bekius

2:40-3:15                Bathroom ( iyun)

3:15-3:45                Reb Elchonon Kovitz Shiurim

3:45-3:47                Kuzari, mussar, Gemara soteh, Tikkun, and Megilas Rus with perush of Gaon

3:47-4:15                Debate going to sleep

4:15                          Prepare for shachris

Haftorah – sleep


shamelessly stolen from WhatsApp



Dor Yeshorim Rap

The good thing  about the awesome dor yeshorim rap that came to light last week is that there’s no music, just beatboxing, so you can listen to it during sefirah.

The problem is that it’s still kol isha. I’m not referring to the singing, that’s obviously kol isha, but I think even the beatboxing is; I don’t know, someone should show this to a rov and ask a shailah. The reason I’m less worried about the singing is because rap may not be considered music according to most poiskim. I know when I was in yeshiva we paskened that goyishe music doesn’t have a din music so you’re allowed to listen to it during sefirah.


Pesach Is All About Relationships. I guess.


Pesach is about gratitude. When nobody cared, someone looked out for you. That’s why we remember it every year, even though they haven’t done anything cool in a really long time and have probably forgotten about you. Thanks Maxwell House!

Pesach is about going back home to spend time with your family because then you don’t have to be at a single’s seder and experience feelings of wanting to kill everyone there. You can just go home where you feel the familiar warmth of shame and years-long suppressed rage. [click to continue…]


A Frum Satire Pesach Vort

Gabriel Wasserman's HaggadaIn honor of Pesach, a yom tov that brings anxiety and longing to frum and OTD alike, I present to you a vort from Mar Gavriel, the author of a fabulous haggada which, due to my blogger’s nature I didn’t post on time for you to buy in time for this year’s seder but which you should nevertheless buy in time to pack up with the Pesach boxes so that it comes up with the newspaper-wrapped dishes, silverware and the Maxwell House haggada from twenty years ago. Stop using the Maxwell House haggada already!

This wonderful haggada will appeal to both the frum, who love digging up old forgotten piyuttim (and having them translated) as well as the OTD, who love unconventional divrei toireh. In other words, this haggada was made with the Frum Satire audience in mind. I apologize for not posting it sooner. 


Avoodim Hooyeenee, we were slaves in Egypt. But were we really? Possible, but there’s no hard evidence for it. And way back then, was there really a “we”, anyway? And if not, why are we here at the seider table?

Because *this* seider isn’t about yetzias mitzrayim. In fact, no traditional seider is. It’s about how the rabbis said that there’s an obligation to tell the story, and then a story about how the Tannoim stayed up all night in Bnei Brak, and then about how you tell the story to four different types of children, and then about when you have to tell the story. [click to continue…]


Advice to Politicians After NY Jewish Vote

All these klutzes and yentes rushing to NY for votes certainly have campaign staff doing Wikipedia research on Jews and how to get their vote.

Thus we get Cruz baking matzah

Cruz Banking Matzah

Hillary will probably visit New Square to pardon a few more of their criminals for their vote and Trump will say that he’s going to republish The Art of the Deal and call it The Shtick of the Handel.

But all these politicians should take a quick listen to the inimitable Shmuel Kunda for some political advice:

And Bernie Sanders should take some advice from Kunda as well: he should have stopped at de Blasio’s office for a token before trying to ride the subway.




Lessons From Yom Tov Season

Obama's sederI was never the rabbi type. When I’d listen to the tired old lessons drawn from the parsha, usually illustrated with the old king and prince trope, I’d wonder where the rabbi took his inspiration; did he really think this up on his own? Did he really draw that lesson from the parsha, or did he have to squeeze it out like a bad turd?

Well I’m thinking now that this business of drawing lessons from the parsha or the yom tov du jour comes with age, maybe, because I suddenly find myself thinking about what I can learn from Purim, or the upcoming Pesach, other than new, more creative excuses for getting out of the house while cleaning is underway.  [click to continue…]