Bain Hazmanim Chronicles – Part 4

Rabboisai, I’m sorry I’m late. My dear wife Devoiry responded to my last email to her promptly, as usual, but in between fending off my overzealous chavrusah, dealing with my baalebos chavrusah at night seder who insists on learning “for real”, as he puts it, and responding to angry eBay customers I simply haven’t had the time to post it. Rest assured we are all still alive and well, we’re in Lake George now and our shalom bayis isn’t much worse than usual. I just stole away some time to run to the library after shachris to post this.

Enjoy, Shragi.

LakeGeorgeMinyanBannerDear Shragi,

You’re welcome for the laundry, you have no idea how crazy it was; I heard one of the older neighbors grumbling about me to someone else “ah chutzpah, she doesn’t even have a bungalow here and she’s doing laundry for her husband who sits in kollel all day”. I feel bad for her; she doesn’t appreciate what your learning does for all of us. She doesn’t even send her daughters to seminary; she sends them straight to college after high school. Can you imagine?? [click to continue…]

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Barack Obama Sucks Balls

obamaI don’t usually comment on politics, but what the hell is this guy doing? Give Israel weapons and condemn them? Make a stand. Do something. Or really, just don’t get involved at all. What a joke a of a president.

Ok, now hear me out on this and tell me why I’m totally wrong on my take here:

You know when you’re a kid and you get into a fight with a kid you hate, and a bigger kid catches you? Well, it’s the same thing here. There are sometimes the big kid takes the other kid’s side. You hate both of them forever. There are others who take your side. You like the big kid but the other kid hates you forever. Then there’s that really cool kid who always yell at you both and makes you feel stupid for fighting in front of everyone but he doesn’t even know your names after the 10th time he yelled at you because he doesn’t actually care to get involved. You’re just fighting in the gym when he’s having fun with his friends. This guy may be cool, but he never solves anything, and you both hate them. That guy is Obama. [click to continue…]

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Real Apology for Yochanan Gordon

Yochanan GordonYochanan Gordon wrote a a piece on the 5 Towns Jewish Times website as well as on his Times of Israel blog headlined “When Genocide is Permissible” where he put forth arguments for the genocide of Palestinian Arabs. The Times of Israel kicked him off for it and apologized to its readers while the 5 Towns Jewish Times posted an inane apology by the genocidal fool.

Reuven Bell, loyal reader, and big fan, of Yochanan Gordon’s suggests that the apology should have read something like this: [click to continue…]

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The Truth About Heshy’s Whereabouts

My colleague Itche Mayer (aka OFFTHEDWANNAB), in middle of an article dedicated to the Asian singles on his iPhone, mentioned in passing that Heshy’s in Vietnam scratching his balls.

I have to apologize to Heshy and his audience because I wasn’t supposed to give away this information, and Itche Mayer has to apologize to Heshy because he certainly had no right in passing this information along. [click to continue…]

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Where did everybody go?

HeshyFriedIs nothing happening anymore? Where’s heshy? What’s going to happen to frumsatire? Is there going to be anyone new to fill his shoes and mock the frumness? These are the questions we are all asking ourselves. Also Israel and Gaza whenever someone forwards you an antisemitic buzzfeed article or whatever. Also why do I get much more asian dating ads on Frumsatire on my phone than my kitchen computer? Never mind the last one, I think I figured it out just now.

Well, since I am not Heshy, I feel I am in a unique position to spread damaging rumors about him to answer these pressing questions.

Heshy, in fact, is currently fishing in Vietnam as part of an extended mental breakdown. This has been confirmed by all our sources. He has also developed a bad rash on his testicles and is, in fact, scratching. He knows it is irritating them more, but he “can’t help himself”, according to those same sources. It is unknown if this occurred before or during his absence, or if this could have even precipitated the breakdown. [click to continue…]

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Lessons from a Commuter

I got in line early so I can get a seat toward the front of the bus, because a year of bus commuting has taught me that people board the bus, see all the partially occupied seats and continue rearward hoping to find an empty seat, and even if they don’t find one they settle back there rather than turn around and return to the front.

I got the forward seat I wanted and hoped that the bus wouldn’t fill up to the point where I’d have to share my seat with another person. They’re called coach buses because their seats are smaller than coach seats on airplanes. I once witnessed a rather overweight fellow who was comfortably spread out in the seat I wanted to sit share with him, as I moved to sit down next to him he was contracted himself into his seat. He didn’t move, he didn’t shift, he didn’t squeeze himself; he just contracted himself. Amazing. [click to continue…]

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Yes, this video was worthy enough for me to come out of retirement. It may or may not be real, but it made me laugh in this time of sorrow and I hope it makes you laugh too. Terror against Jews is no laughing matter, but sex with goats is always kind of funny.

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