That its forcing Jews together….you see God always has a plan
That Satmars are dating Luabvitchers
Tzioni’s are dating relatives of the Niturei Karta
YCT guys are dating Lakewood Girls
Yeshiva guys are dating older girls
Frummy girls are starting to delve into the food chain and date working guys
Meshichsts are dating Anti Meshichists
Syrians are dating outside of the community
Stern Girls are dating non-YU guys
Black hatters are dating kipa sruga types (is this within the orthodox gay community?)
Skvere Chassidim are not only dating their cousins
Baltimore girls are getting dates
Out of town is “in”
People on frumster are venturing out of their hashkafic realms
Out of the box types are dating normal types
FFB’s are starting to date BT’s
Mothers are starting to care more about finding their daughters dates rather then finding out what kind table cloths the family uses well…..maybe not that far
Modern orthodox high school students are dating for marriage
Apparently modern orthodoxy is doomed, at least according to some fellow who wanted to talk to me the other day. He went on this wild extremely negative rant about how modern orthodoxy was doomed like the middle class in America, in that either you were left wing which wasn’t actually orthodoxy or you were right wing which was more like yeshivish and everyone in the middle had to choose a side. He went on and on about how YU was being taken over by the yeshiva crowd and soon people from the “real” yeshiva world may actually begin to accept their smicha at full value- I told him I highly doubted that. After he was done- I said - AND WHY EXACTLY DO YOU CARE?
Who gives a Sh– is what I wanted to say. Does it really make a difference that people are moving to the right, I guess I fail to notice this right leaning movement because I really couldn’t care less, I let people live and go about my own business. I don’t notice any modern shuls raising their mechitzas or banning women from entering with their hair uncovered, to me open mindedness is what you make of it, some people are so open minded they become intolerant of all those that are not like them. If you think everyone is hating on you- then you will convince yourself. It just irked me that he was so negative- thats all- I am done ranting.
A caveat, I totally forgot to post about this and assumed that everyone in the whole world has facebook and therefore some of you may not have known about this.
So last night I got up in front of a live audience for the second time ever and like the last time it was a blast. Unlike the last time it was an informal and free event which featured a very diverse audience of chabadnicks, artsy hipsters and yeshiva rebels. I think I could have done a better job, but it was loads of fun and I met some great people. It was hosted by Shemspeedwhich is the record label which has Y-Love signed on. You can read about the event on their homepage.
For those of you that did show up- thank you- it was lots of fun meeting some of my loyal commenters and fellow bloggers. There may have been more, but three bloggers showed up and I gotta show my love. Nemo and Jacob Da Jew and Mike in Midwood were the bloggers that showed up.
I also got to meet Matthue Roth who wrote this book Never Mind the Goldbergs which I thought was a hilarious. Mendy Pellin who is by far one of the biggest names in frum comedy because besides being frum he actually does frum comedy- also showed up- but he missed my piece. I also was treated to two beers one by commenter XVI and one by Y-Love who stopped by to see me- and of course I was flattered. He has a free show in Central Park this sunday at summer stage by the way.
It looks like I am going to be the featured artists and MC next time so I will keep you folks posted, it was super fun and a lot of interesting perofrmers took to the stage. Besides for interesting performers- including our dear friend and commenter HEADBANGER who read a poem about getting with frummy girls (good job man it was hilarious) there was a good atmosphere and I spotted some single ladies- so for all you people out there you may want to check it out next time, it will be in about a month on a Wednesday night. Its free and the atmosphere is like a coffee shop/bar thrown into a vintage living room.
I would like to thank Erez and his wife Nina for putting on a great show and filming me and throwing it up on You Tube- my brother filmed me but the camera was sideways.
By the way I got a message this morning from someone who thought my adjustment of the microphone was part of an act- but I really had no idea how to adjust.
I recently had a young lady friend in my car who became flabbergasted that my idea of recycling plastic bottles was to refill them and stash them around my car. She proclaimed that plastic bottles were made to be used once and after that they would undoubtedly secrete secret substances into my water and kill me eventually through a slow and painful plastic water bottle induced cancer. She said this as I stated that I had over 30 plastic water bottles in my car, soaking up the suns rays as the days of summer heated up the water that lay stagnant in my bottles lying in the usually empty front seat of my car.
I later found out that it wasn’t only the free plastic bottles that I had taken from peoples recycling bins that caused cancer. In fact those cool hip hard plastic bottles made by Nalgene that were all the rage a few years ago have already killed hundreds of unsuspecting hipsters and college students who wore them connected to their hips and frequently refilled them unknowing that their water bottles were secretly conspriring to kill them.
I have been on a crusade against plastic ever since, trying to get people involved because as most of you know EVERYTHING is made of plastic, even the cheese they use in many chain pizza stores has plastic in it- well at least according to the book Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser- a must read for any aspiring PETA activist. What all those people who serve water out of Brita filtered pitchers do? How about microwaves- geez- I grew up without a microwave due to my fathers fascination with radioactive waves and how everyone who has a microwave will die very soon.
Tell me are these plastic people kidding- I think its some sort of conspiracy, at least I want to believe that- The one thing I could never give up is my Camel Back- that would be too hard, oh and my back country MSR water filter only works with nalgene bottles.
Because I just can’t imagine the prices of bottles if everything went glass. Voss water is uber-pricey, and pelegrino tastes like flat seltzer to me.
Since I literally just remembered this anniversary- similar to that of the husband realizing on the day of his 30 year anniversary I am caught red handed and have nothing all too special or sentimental to say. In fact its funny because I am making my second live appearance ever tonight at an open mic night in Brooklyn. But since it is a pretty big milestone that I thought I would never reach I will give you some dry Ben Stein-esque statistics to mull over in your brains. If you would like to read the history of Frum Satire Blog part one and part two.
I looked at last years pathetic one year anniversary announcement and cringed so I am wondering what to do- I could repost my best posts ever- I could do a series, but its only one day and a short one for that matter.
For now you can see the Statistics of Frum Satire:
Blog Stats
Founded on Saturday night June 25th by Sarah Zeldman at her house in off of York Hill road in Toronto;
A23 receives the award as longest fan since he has commented since almost the begining of this blo- I have no idea who he is- but he pops up once in a while usually as the first commenter and then says nothing more.
86,600 spam comments that did not make it through- I would say I have well over 100,000 spam comments all together.
576 posts
69 categories
Nearly 350,000 individual hits
Estimated page views- over 1 million based on just under 3 average page views per visit
Best day ever- On Tuesday June 27- 2007 I received 1965 individual hits
My old frum satire blog hosted by wordpress still receives on average 150 hits per day
Most offensive posts ever- Both have been deleted but I had two sister posts comparing Charedim to blacks and rednecks, very embarrassing works and were deleted some time ago.
First Frum Satire You tube Video uploaded September 17th- 2007 (I couldn’t figure out the self timer so I recorded where I had hiked to in Montana)
45 You Tube Videos (some have been erased- including my most viewed video)
153 Subscribers on you tube
21 videos with over 1000 views
6 videos with over 2000 views
Most comments ever received on a post: 185 - View post Shomer Negiah Categories
Frum Satire was hacked once and redirected to porn, I have my suspicions it was a Charedi news site that was mad about something I said about them- but I cannot prove it.
My favroite posts: See Best of section on sidebar
Plans for the future:
I would like to try and focus on the positive because its more of a challenge to make fun of positive things. I am looking to expand readership into a wider audience- so I can get past that stubborn 1200 readers a day mark. and maybe get noticed by the larger secular Jewish blogs.
I hope to do more live events and maybe make some more professional videos- and more improvisational videos- like on scene footage from the cholent gas station, and hidden shidduch cams.
Last but not least I would like to thank the fellow bloggers that have helped me along the way- there aren’t too many because as many of you know I am not really a blogger in the traditional sense, in that I am not big on reading other blogs unless people send me links. This short list is of people who have given me sage advice and helped me along the way.
Tips for other bloggers- (I think I may do an informative post on this) Don’t expect traffic and comments- if you have something interesting to say people will “eventually” find it, it took me a long time to get more then 10 hits a day.
My brother is going on a trip with the Jewish Outdoors Club to climb Mount Ranier- and he needs a 5500 cubic inch internal frame backpack. He just wants to borrow one- since he normally only does 5 day trips and never needs one so large. If anyone has one to lend or knows of anyone who may have one- please email me ASAP.
My brother is 5″4 so if anyone is between the heights of 5″1 and 5″6 it will do- ladies and gents either or.
frumsatire@gmail.com
I remember right after high school I used to give rides for $5 each to the yeshiva guys in Rochester, I had a 92 camary and I used to put two guys in the trunk sometimes- so this guy who packed 13 in the volvo has got nothing on me.
If we weren’t Jewish we would think this was some crackpot late night infomercial done by some washed up evangelical traveling preacher. But we are Jews and we put some faith in segulas and prayer, especially if it has the words Kotel attached. I personally feel very overwhelmed at the Kotel and love davening there and did so almost every day during my 6 month Israel stint.
Its actually kind of funny because Western Wall Prayers as they call themselves have many different types of prayers:
Standard Prayers:
A Torah-observant Jew will go to the Western Wall to pray on your behalf as well as others for 40 consecutive days. Minimum donation: approx. $2/day ($90). You people are so lazy- how do you expect to find your wife by just davening- I can pay a friend this amount to have me in mind- definitely go for the more exclusive prayers.
Exclusive Prayers:
A Torah-observant Jew will go to the Western Wall to pray exclusively on your behalf for 40 consecutive days. The entire Bircas HaTorah Yeshiva will say a psalm for you and Rabbi Nebensahl, Chief Rabbi of the Old City and one of the great Tzaddikim of our time will do a Mesheberach for you (special prayer in front of a congregation). Minimum donation: $9/day ($360).
Personalized Exclusive Prayers:
In addition to an exclusive prayer, over the course of the 40 days, the entire Book of Psalms (150 Tehillim), or King Solomon’s Song of Songs (Shir ha Shirim) will be recited at the Wall, a Mesheberach prayer will be recited in Synagogue in the Old City of Jerusalem on Shabbat and a Mishna (portion of the Oral Law) will be learned daily in your merit. Rabbi Nebensahl, Chief Rabbi of the Old City and one of the great Tzaddikim of our time will also do a Mesheberach for you. Minimum donation: $18/day ($720 US + *up).
Premier Prayers:
With special permission from the Vaad HaRabbonim (Council of Rabbis in Israel), a minyan (10 Torah-observant men) will pray together for 40 days at the holiest place where Jews are allowed to go - deep in the Western Wall tunnels across from the Holy of Holies. This excludes Shabbat, when they will pray at the Western Wall itself. This site is not available for public prayer. Because of its holiness, special permission is required and is only given in rare circumstances. Minimum donation: $1,800.
This sounds pretty cool- I wonder if I can get a heter with special permission from the Vaad HRabbonim not to have to daven in America because I have a minyan in my behalf in Israel It may be worth the extra sleep.
Then they have the custom prayer- which I can only guess- but probably includes davening to find your wife but health, wealth and a super hot wife as well as.
I noticed they wrote a Torah Observant Jew, I wonder if they have a clearance rack for those that think a non-observant Jew may actually be better then a Torah Observant Jew since your getting someone to pray who normally wouldn’t, oh and its half off.
I gotta say the site is pretty impressive with articles from Yahoo News, Boston Globe and Reuters- they also have 163 known success stories to their name and even have some of the stories on the site.
Things to look for in the future- the prayer credit card, every dollar spent equals a prayer said in Israel for you. Prayer Cam- pray in front of your computer and it transmits your shadow to the kotel.
I like sushi, I cannot say I love it for I am rarely willing to plunk down 5-8 bucks or more for a few pieces of raw fish and rice. In fact it irks me when eating sushi that I have paid at least a dollar for the piece I am about to take in one bite. Not only is it raw, saving the seller on cooking costs, but unless they figure out a way to cut the sushi into more then 8 pieces you are royally screwed, psychologically for you just spent loads of money on something in a pizza store- which is where most Jews buy their sushi. What sushi has to do with pizza is beyond me, besides for its fast food aspect. Sushi is one of those fast foods that bridges the gap between fa ncy and fast food, in pizza stores they give you it in aluminum and in fancy places you get a plate- wow!
How the pizza stores became the sushi dealers is beyond me, but its funny how much money you can spend and not even be full. Everyone likes to espouse the idea that sushi is filling and it is, but seriously, it would take $40 to fill me up and sushi cannot even compare to a thick juicy steak with fried onions.
But then I discovered sushi tempura, yes its expensive and no it doesn’t fill you up, but once in a while- actually twice in my life as of last week I have eaten this new delicacy. Of course if its cooked, and it is, is it still called sushi? Well the first time I had it someone else took me out to Sushi Metsuyan in Monsey- a great place to people watch by the way- and we ordered some sushi tempura and it was amazing- so last week I decided to try it for myself.
I met my friend Mark for a piece of pizza and ended up feeling like a had just spent way too much while still enjoying what I got, immensely. I ordered the Godzilla roll, it was $14, but it was damned good and while I waited a long ass time for it I had a pre-game piece of pizza so I wouldn’t feel cheated when it didn’t fill me up. I do realize now that I could have ordered a meal for two with that money and I doubt I will ever buy tempura sushi again, but with that in mind I decided to make a video filming my reaction- let me just say that sushi tempura style is a completely un-sushi like experience and all of you who are scared of raw fish can eat it too.
Please remember to check out my You Tube page featuring me “ranting” many of your favorite posts as well as my picks for favorite mostly Jewish comedy videos on You Tube.
