Today is the 8th anniversary of Frum Satire

who am iI found it fitting to come out of hibernation on the 8th anniversary of Frum Satire to explain where I’ve been exactly. I know that it’s a blogging and social media community minhag to announce vacations and any time someone plans to call it quits at something (in the fast paced internet world this could mean switching from 2 posts a day to one) yet I didn’t feel the need for some fanfare because it all just kind of happened. In the midst of a 70 hour work week I noticed that I just didn’t have the strength to sit down after a long day on my feet and blog. I missed the wife, my bikes, and getting up after 5:30am enough to put blogging on hold. I wish I could tell my Rav that I stopped blogging, but in reality, I just don’t have the time. [click to continue…]

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8 Reasons I Went OTD

The frum community is so beautiful, so full of chessed; why do people go OTD?

off the derechThere are two approaches to this troubling question in the classic sources. The Rambam maintains that the reason people go OTD is because they believed in silly superstitious Judaism in the first place and didn’t adopt his rational approach, but the Moreh Nevuchim says it’s because those people were molested by their rebbeim in yeshiva and they’re all emotionally unstable.

This machlokes has been going on for the past thousand years, going further back in history it seems that those who went OTD were simply killed, but for the past thousand years or so we’ve simply tried to psychoanalyze OTDers and mark them by boring their right earlobes.

I’ve done much research on this question and I have a new approach. It’s a hybrid of Nietzsche’s model of radical anthropologetics and L. Ron Hubbard’s dianetics. I synthesized these two approaches during the fourteen years I spent at the feet of my rosheshiva R’ Pinky Schmeckelstein at Yeshivas Chipass Emess.

  1. All the obsession with sex, whether it was couched as tznius talk, concern over the length of other people’s wives sheitels or the fear of getting aroused by 3 year-olds who weren’t sufficiently clothed up. I felt the need to get away from this sexual hedonism so I joined the broader human community which only talks about sex when it’s l’toeles.
  2. I believed in the concept of Da’as Torah but all the folks who possessed Da’as Torah were disagreeing with each other. I figured that by going OTD I’ll be able to pick my own OTD rov and not have all these conflicting opinions as to which rov has the approval of Agudah, or the Moetzes, or Satmar. I’d have the Da’as Torah, or Da’as Hitchens I need without contradictions.
  3. I wanted to be able to pop into Shomer Shabbos on a random afternoon in Boro Park and daven mincha without a hat; I couldn’t do that and remain frum so I went OTD.
  4. [click to continue…]

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Training Ex-Chasidim to Have Eyes

4401376_origWhen two people gang up against one it’s pretty obvious who the underdog is and in this case the dog down under is Dr. Marty Klein. The good doctor wrote an excellent satire on his blog, a blog which usually treats a much more serious subject.

Marty Klein is an internationally renowned expert on sexuality, what he’s less known for is being a keen-eyed observer of human nature, an excellent judge of character and a great writer. Well, great may be too strong a word, but a writer nonetheless.

Taking his cue from Heshy, Marty Klein wrote about his recent business trip to New York and mixed in his own brand of anthropology and satire of the frum community there.

The main focus of Klein’s post is the women’s eyes, which they don’t have, he correctly points out.  R’ Avigdor Miller has an entire lecture devoted to the posuk in Mishlei that Klein is referencing – hinach yafah rayasi, anayich yonim etc. Rabbi Miller points out that the eyes are the leaders, they show people were to go; the leaders of the nation are referred to as aynay ha’am (feel free to point out the source for that posuk). Are chassidish women in positions of authority? Are they allowed to for forward looking? Of course not; they’re not even allowed to drive because their eyes are so unreliable. [click to continue…]

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The Fable of the Rabbi Who Finally Made It

Once upon a time there were two students in the yeshiva who were trying very hard. The magid shiur, though, only seemed to notice one of them, he’d praise his gemarakup, his hasmadah and his good looks and he’d constantly remind the good bochur that he’ll grow up to be a rosh yeshiva if he continued on this path.

The second bochur, whose name was Kessler, just couldn’t seem to keep up with the masmid on any of these fronts, but he did so want to grow up to be a rosh yeshiva, certainly that was the best way he knew of succeeding in this world (and the next, of course) so he kept at it.

The masmid was on time for shacharis, had his tefilin on before brachos and davened for the amud three times a week.

Kessler tried to pay attention when his chavrusah explained the gemara for the fourth time but was out the door the minute he heard of a situation brewing in the coffee room. [click to continue…]

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Who cares what Mark Twain’s opinion on the Jews was? I don’t, so why do so many, many people care? And why are they medayek in every shtickle Twain to see how they can reconcile the parts where they put down Jews with the parts where they praise them?

Mark TwainAish, as well as the pedophile Shmuel Waldman in his book Beyond a Reasonable Doubt, seem to revel in the fact that Mark Twain recognized the Jew’s uniqueness. It’s a pathetic sight to see them spill so much ink over the question of Mark Twain’s opinion on Jews.

So can we get a show of hands? How many of you have read the entire essay Concerning the Jews? Beyond the standard trope that the Jew has outlived the Egyptian, the Babylonian, the Roman etc. has anyone read the rest of it? I don’t think you’d satisfy yourself with reading the last three paragraphs of Huckleberry Finn and skip the part about the King and Duke getting tar and feathered, would you? Neither should you deny yourself the pleasure of reading the entire essay. Take, for example, this:

The Jew is not a burden on the charities of the state nor of the city; these could cease from their functions without affecting him.” [click to continue…]

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During my recent annual visit to my rosh yeshiva I told him about all the awful people online who bring up such awfully good points against the frum community and my awful inability to counter their arguments. He reminded me of the absolute issur of going online for anything other than booking my seat at the next Agudah Convention. I told him I know, I know, but I couldn’t help it, I was online to be mekarev these poor lost souls.

That got him, he wanted more details.

I provided the following exchange I recently had a with a koifer on Facebook:

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I almost went a month without masturbating

dangers-of-masturbationThe fellow who wrote this wasn’t joking when he said most guys who went to yeshiva would be able to relate. I feel like the entire mussar of my yeshiva was based on eating cheeseburgers and masturbating, I hear both are some of Hashems greatest gifts to man, but what do I know. I do recall that feeling of guilt that hung over folks after going 2 weeks without choking the chicken and having top start all over again. It’s like we were addicts or something. [click to continue…]

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