The Shabbos App is Genius

Shabbos AppPretty soon you won’t have to go OTD in order to be the first to see the latest selfies posted by the Hot Chani you’re following on Facebook under your fake account on Shabbos (it’s almost 2015, Hot Chanis don’t keep Shabbos anymore). That’s the promise of the Shabbos App. You’ll also be able to text your chavrusah to let him know you’d like to meet earlier than planned because your Shabbos afternoon shluf was interrupted by your kids, and you’ll be able to make fun of Yakov Menken all day and he won’t be able to respond to you because after he finds out that the Shabbos App is not a farce he’ll regroup, come back and ban it.

But whether the whole Shabbos App is a hoax or not doesn’t matter; it has already given us more entertainment than we have any right to expect from a phone app.

First check the video:

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New Square *Really* Doesn’t Like Other Jews

Back when our ancestors were in tribal formation in the desert there was one tribe, the Skverers, who were more frum than the others. Hashem saw how frum the tribe of Skver was and to what extent exposure to the other tribes’ lower standards of frumkeit bothered them, so he provided them with a special set of clouds to separate them from the big cloud surrounding everyone else, it was an ezras nashim of sorts. And ever since then New Square has been set apart; there’s a medrash that says that they even have a separate place in olam habah, they don’t interact with anyone else up there; and since Hashem is involved with the rest of the Jewish population, they don’t get to see him either.

New Square Plea 1

New Square Plea 2
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Find out all the reasons Hashem loves New Square better than you at 4torah.com

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Minutes of Meeting, Rosh Hashana 5775

Body of Heavenly Hosts

On Rosh Hashana, which ran from September 25 to 26, The Body of Heavenly Hosts met for their annual executive session.

Attendance

Heavenly TribunalThe following Heavenly Hosts were in attendance:

Hashem – overseeing the proceedings and passing final judgment

Satan – prosecuting attorney (also referred to as district attorney for Earth and surrounding boroughs)

Chatach – angel of livelihood

Michoel – angel of just about everything

Also in attendance were innumerable angels representing every individual Jew, whether they like it or not.

Approval of the Minutes

After discussion, upon a motion duly made and seconded, the Board approved the minutes of the September 5 – 6, 2013 executive session.

Report from the president and CEO

At 9:00:00 AM Hashem opened the meeting by thanking everyone for being prompt and reminding everyone that this is not a chassidishe shtieble where you can show up at leining and still be considered on time.

He then reported on activities in the field. He reminded everyone that while the situation in Israel has calmed down, it is still tenuous and he needs all hands on deck.  He said his best bet right now is getting those damn Hareidim into the army, this was plan B, to be sure, ten years ago he never would have considered it, but all those lazy secular Israelis have been running off to India and Florida and at this point he needed the Hareidim and this is what he’d have to resort to. [click to continue…]

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The Kedusha Crisis

Guard Your EyesClaiming historical significance in one’s work is usually hyperbole; usually, but not always. When Moishe Rabbainu put out the call for donations for the mishkan we can assume he told everyone this is a historic opportunity “Hashem Yisborach made this world 2,500 years ago and he hasn’t yet found a home! He has given us this one chance to invite him into our midst and we better not screw it up!”

This morning I received this sponsored email from Vos Iz Neias, shilling for an organization called Guard Your Eyes.

Finally: A solution for one of the biggest challenges facing Klal Yisrael

Today with the internet in every pocket, we risk losing the battle.
This kedusha crisis is unique to our generation and has wreaked havoc on untold families and individuals. One organization is determined to find a solution and has already helped thousands.
A donation to GuardYourEyes is not just another Tzedaka – it has historical ramifications. For 3,000 years, the Jewish people have been able to preserve standards of kedusha, but today with the internet in every pocket, we risk losing the battle.

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Rabbosai It’s Ellul

yom kippurI used to like mussar, the self improvement stuff that gets you off your feet and makes you realize you’ve been a real shitty person your entire life. Great, make me feel like crap for having a short temper, not cleaving to the Lord, and thinking about the skatepark during krias hatorah. Mussar takes two of the most important things in Judaism, guilt and character development, and allows Rabbis to project their misgivings upon you. I used to love it, until it started getting a bit ridiculous. [click to continue…]

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10 Prerequisites for Going OTD

off the derechThe frum community has a very defined list of requirements for those who would consider themselves part of the community; one has to keep Shabbos, kosher, taharas hamishpacha (that’s the set of rules that governs having sex through a hole in a sheet) and in most cases wear black and white.

The OTD community, too, has a set of requirements for inclusion into its community, and they are arguably even more extreme and are applied in a more heavy-handed manner.

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The Definitive Guide to Frum Cars

The Ultimate Yeshivishe CarI know a successful commercial realtor who leased a Lexus before closing his first deal; he knew he was going to meet the potential buyer and he knew his first impression had to kill, maiming or merely wounding was not going to get him the deal. So he went out and leased himself the Lexus knowing that it would close the deal for him, and it did! It closed that deal as well as many others.

Clearly the car we drive communicates important things about us.

I know a 12th grade magid shiur in a yeshivish place who has used cars offered to him all the time, but he will only take the oldest, most beat up looking station wagon, or Buick Century, because “s’possed nisht” for him to drive a nice car.

A big Lakewood askan, in a fit of insanity, once tried to start a campaign called “Accords for Acuras”, where all the tinsel gevirim in Lakewood would trade in their Acuras for Honda Accords. For “after all,” he argued “what’s an Acura but a glorified Accord, and it’s Yiddishe gelt mamish down the drain, money that our moisdes need very badly”. This being Fakewood, the campaign didn’t go anywhere.

So what does your car say about you? [click to continue…]

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