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Only Simchas is Back!

Only SimchasBack in 2005 a friend of mine called me and told me the good news, he was engaged! “OMG!” I screamed, “I can’t fxxxing believe it! You’re fxxxing kidding me!”

But he wasn’t kidding; he really was engaged and had been so for a few days already. He told me to head over to Only Simchas to see the pictures. I did so and saw that the fools that managed Only Simchas allowed comments, so I promptly left one equally obscene, expressing my excitement. Engagements are exciting, (almost as much as divorces, but as a young bochur eager to get married I didn’t know that yet.)

My friend called me within hours in a panic, he was afraid his new father-in-law would see my mazel tov message and ask him who wrote it, he’d have to admit that I was a friend and the engagement would be over…it hadn’t occurred to me that adults might check this site too! I took my comment down.

I was chastised, but older and wiser. From then on instead of wishing obscene mazel tovs to friends, I became a stalker. I finally had a place to ogle happy-looking kallahs smiling unreservedly, sticking their tongues out at the camera, looking at their suited chossons with deep longing, dreaming of the wedding night…well, at least that’s what I imagined they were longing for, in reality most of them were probably simply dying to get out of their parents’ house where they had to babysit their 10 younger siblings and get into their own apartments where they could clean the dish and fork from breakfast three times, cook for 12 people and complain happily that they don’t know how to cook for two and then take a nap out of blissful exhaustion. [click to continue…]


We are in a different country than we were in a week ago. Obamacare is now Scotuscare, North Carolina doesn’t fly the Confederate flag on their state house anymore and Walmart and Amazon aren’t selling anything bearing that flag anymore and gay marriage is now legal in all states. In other words the whole country is now on the same level as California.

The danger to yidden from such developments is obvious; schvartzes are historic enemies of ours and they are now emboldened by the lifting of their oppression. Yidden who sold Confederate paraphernalia made in China to Walmart and on Amazon are losing lots of business and now that gay marriage is legal, what’s to stop bochurim cooped up in dorms from experimenting? And what’s going to stop Hashem from bringing another mabul? We’re in a terrible position now, we should all move back to Poland and Ukraine, back to the shtetl where gay people didn’t exist.

The other danger to frum yidden from this gay law is that now it’ll become legal for Jews to marry non-Jews and how can our yunchy seminary girls, who are already suffering from a crushing shidduch crisis going to compete with hot shiksas?

On the positive side though, maybe seminary girls will simply start marrying each other and the crisis will abate. The thing is, I think part of the reason frum girls haven’t been marrying each other until now is because of the housing and school discrimination that exists against gay people in communities like Lakewood and Brooklyn. A gay couple couldn’t live on Forest Ave in Lakewood or send their kids to Lakewood Cheder. Until now they’d have to live on Chestnut and send their kids to Yeshiva K’tana, and who wants to do that? Well they won’t have to suffer such indignities any more.

I think we’re on track to eliminating the shidduch crisis. Boruch Hashem.


Bernie SandersSo I’m seeing all these posts on Facebook from my OTD/Liberal friends saying they took this new Buzzfeed-style tests and they seemed to be very proud of their scores and the trophy they won.

The whole thing is very odd – none of them scored higher than 93% and one even got as low as 78% and they seemed to be inordinately proud of their success! Also, they all won the same old kocker, the guy who looks like he never wore a tie, I suspect he went to school with my grandfather in Brownsville before WW2, and he looks like the guy who takes all the schnapps for himself at the kiddush club.

So I went to the test site to see if I could get a better result. My goal was to get the highest score I could and to win the most goyishe goy on the list of trophies. I thought to myself, “what does a nice white goy, a real American with nice hair, a real goy smile, one whose mother never said “sha!” to him and whose rebbi never potched him believe in?” And with that guiding principle I chose my answers. [click to continue…]


Lining Up The Night Before Opening


Section 8 Notice


is all it takes to get to get this:

Chossids in Monticello

See here for more. And here for some anti-Semitism.

And finally see the Yeshiva World News’ coverage of this awesome story here:


These Are the Worries Which Have No Limit

The kids,

the teachers,

the principal,

the friends,

the tuition committee,

getting the kids into camp,

getting the kids into high school,

getting the kids a good shidduch, [click to continue…]


Frum Satire Conference 2015

stop_frum_satireFrum Satire is in crisis.

Eleven months ago I wrote a post called The Fable of the Rabbi Who Finally Made It and I immediately got an email from Heshy asking me to take it down. A rabbi from Cleveland recognized that it was talking about a fellow rabbi or two from his community. He recognized it, obviously, because it described his fellow rabbi accurately, but rabbis don’t always like accuracy when it reveals problems that are supposed to remain hidden. So he wrote to Heshy reminding him of the cholent he’d fed him on a trip to Cleveland years ago and asked him to take down the post. [click to continue…]


KosherSwitch fight gets slightly Interesting

I know literally zero about this guy except that he’s a Sephardi Kiruv rabbi of some sort who’s popular on Facebook for being a major hardliner, but he’s willing to stand up for one small person getting pummeled now.

Let’s see how long he lasts.