Ever since the first of many successful Stuff Jewish People Like was posted on this blog I have gotten dozens of emails, facebook messages, tweets and even a few phone calls begging me to write something about what Off the Derech people like, but alas I can’t because it’s just too complex. How complex can writing about a group of people who abandoned the life of orthodoxy for a life of free schooling, all you can eat salad and soup at Olive Garden and mamish kefira? What I’m about to say may shock some of you, but in my opinion there are different madreigas within the off the derech category.

It’s unfortunate, but many mainstream frum people think that once you go “off the derech” (I put it in quotes because the term implies that there is one right way to practice Judaism) I don’t think there is anything to the term “authentic Judaism” mostly because the Shtetl Judaism that the yeshivish and Chassidic world practices is only a few centuries old and was brought about as a response to the Ghetto’s created in Europe, almost as a way to justify the Jewish Ghetto plight – so anyway – off the derech is a misnomer and mainstream orthodoxy tends to lump all folks that left orthodoxy together. So while you have those yeshiva rebel types who leave orthodoxy because Friday nights are a drag and they want to smoke up, listen to Metallica and get laid – there are those who left for intellectual reasons, political reasons, logical reasons (I could never equate Judaism with logic, even though I believe) and dozens of other reasons.

While I asked on my Facebook page for ideas concerning Stuff off the derech people like, I really wanted to show a point that not everyone who left the path of orthodoxy or Judaism itself is created equal. I know people who left because they were molested by Rabbiem, they don’t necessarily like Sizzler, screwing shiksas and going out on Friday nights. Then I know people who left because they are scientists who just couldn’t find any proof of God or a reason to keep up with a religion that seemed archaic to them. I know people who left orthodoxy because they are lazy, they stopped going to shul, moved out of the frum community and eventually realized it was so much easier to just be Jewish. Then I know people who left for financial reasons, it’s expensive to be frum.

So basically what I’m saying is that I want you people to write your own list of what off the derech people like. I could technically do it, but I would have to do specific lists like stuff off the derech chassidim like, or yeshivish, or intellectually off the derech, formerly frum atheists, socially frum non-believers (they do it for the food and community) aka orthoprax. Then of course there is a big difference when it comes to the length of time someone has been off the derech, the level of orthodoxy they came frum, which sect of chassidus they practiced and whether or not their family is accepting of them. I just have no mind for it, however I may do one for Chassidim – since I have hung around my fair share of off the derech chassidim.

For now I invite you all to start bickering about religion being logical or not, whether there is any form of authentic Judaism or just have some fun and tell me and everyone else what you think off the derech people like.

• Off the derech and looking for a shidduch
• Derech, schmerech. Pass the shrimps.
• Are you undercover off the derech?

After a Reditt user uploaded photos containing microscopic bugs found in New York City’s water supply, Rabbi around the country gathered around high powered microscopes and came to the shocking discovery that there are bugs everywhere, word in the shtetl has it that they have been debating what to do about breathing.

According to sources inside the orthodox Rabbinate, banning air is simply not possible. For example, when they tried to to ban the impossible, things like TV and Internet, it backfired, people merely ignored the ban or tried to hide their illegal internet and TV usage. It seems that air may be similar, some sources say that Jews may soon have more in common with the Chinese besides for supporting their restaurants on Christmas – many people believe that the Rabbi may require masks that filter out these microscopic bugs so people don’t transgress sins as they go about thie rdaily activities.

According to the Torah, eating a bug is on the same level as cheating on your taxes and screwing a horse – no wonder why the Rabbis are up in arms. But the dilemma is great, how will people breathe? We have heard that breathing has been a chukas hagoyim theological debate for years – with certian rabbis wondering if Jews should breathe differently than the goyim. It is customary to make believe that the Jews invented certian things like music and foods so they don’t transgress the sin of doing things like everyone else.

Basically the bible commands that Jews be the best anti-conformists there are, I just hope the Rabbis don’t go hipster on us while trying to figure out a way to ignore the fact that there are bugs everywhere.

• Rabbis ban air: It contains bugs
• What food item will they find bugs in next?
• Heshy Fried admits that lettuce does have bugs

Dear anti-conformist shemona esrei davener that needs to face a different direction than everyone because the shul isn’t facing east.

I get it, you want to be frum, you also wish to retain your anti-conformist nature. You want to be “that” guy, you want to be seen and known and appear frummer than everyone else in shul because you’re onto something. One day, you’re Iphone app told you that everyone in the shul was wrong, had been wrong for years in fact and you didn’t think to mention to the rabbi that everyone who had ever davened shemona esrei in that shul was facing north instead of east, so you decided to change your direction rather than voice your concerns to the Rav.

Do you actually think your prayers will be readily accepted just because you have figured out true east, do you think that Jerusalem is due east from your chosen davening location? Do you think that the shul founders tried to trick you into davening toward Mecca or Rome? You are an idiot, seriously, I don’t mean to judge, but How can I not – when you have chosen to block my aisle, run into me when you take your 3 steps back and pretend to be oblivious to the fact that you are facing the wrong way.

I’m sick and tired of you odd facing shemona esrei daveners. I’m sick of you’re need to shun the Rav who obviously knows best. Do you think we should face the bimah a different direction during laining as well? Or are do you just care about yourself? I wonder if you do this in really frum shuls or just in modern orthodox one’s?

• Shemonah Esrei Farting
• Who actually takes three steps back while davening shemona esrei?
• World speed davening championships

• I went to the Gay Pride Parade in San Francisco
• Fun times at the Young Israel of KGH
• Shidduch Woes: This date insulted me multiple times

I’m standing outside getting some fresh air when the cop pulls up, instinctively I drop my beer bottle onto the cool grass and it hits my big toe, I mutter some curses to myself as the cop passes me. I wonder if it was necessary to drop my beer onto my toe, would the cop have charged me for having an open container in public? I honestly had no idea, but I had seen enough American Pie style movies to know that you didn’t mess with suburban cops in wealthy towns where there was nothing to do but break up loud college parties and pull over the occasional cyclist for running a stop sign.

The cop was standing on the stoop as he asked another guy where the owners of the house were. I walked back in and hopped on the already long bathroom line. The music was thumping, the big flat screen TV was playing some tripped out screen saver and there was a circle of about 12 very good looking Asian girls dancing with each other. I looked to the other side of the room and saw a bunch of Persian guys with spiked hair talking to some busty blondes, I only knew they were Persian because one of the curators of the Moishe House in Palo Alto is Persian, the girls on the other hand were most definitely not Persian, at least the hot probably fake blonde with the tube top and the large dangling silver cross waving across her cleavage didn’t look like she was.

There were a bunch of people sipping on drinks while soaking up the warmth of the in ground hot tub and I was talking to some guys on line for the bathroom who had told me they found out about the party from the medical school mailing. Turns out someone had sent the invite to the party to the Stanford Med School and a lot of those folks turned out. I guess they assumed that a bunch of nerdy Jewish doctor wannabes would show up, but that was hardly the case.

I had half expected the party to be like the barbeque I had gone to last Sunday. It was a barbeque run by Jewish Study Network (JSN is the Bay Area non-chabad kiruv organization) , I figured it would be interesting to see the new Moishe House, I may meet some new people and at the least I could watch as a bunch of Kiruv Rabbi try to make inroads at the new Moishe House which they have been granted access to because the four dudes who run the thing are friendly with most of the JSN Rabbis. I swear, I could see the rabbis were salivating over the opportunity to have an in at the Moishe House which was sure to attract dozens of young Jewish adults over the course of its life and many of these folks would be unaffiliated – if there was something called kiruv porn – access to a local Moishe House would be it.

The barbeque was fun, but there were a lot of weirdoes there, I assumed there would be. I have noticed that a lot of the folks attracted to kiruv situations in very assimilated places are strange or awkward individuals and I was assured by Brian Smith that this party would be nothing like the barbeque. His exact words were “come to the party on Saturday night, you’ll have a lot to write about.”

Parties like the one I attended at the Moishe House on Saturday night are not my thing. I never enjoyed shouting to a bunch of done up people I don’t know who are trying to impress each other enough so that they may not go home alone. I don’t really drink, I don’t really enjoy the type of club music or dancing that goes along with that, I don’t dress like the people who go to these things, I’d rather be having a nice conversation over tea, I usually don’t fit in and I generally don’t like the club or loud party atmosphere. With all of that said, I can’t say I didn’t have a good time. If it wasn’t a Jewish event, it may have been different, but being that this provided an interesting look into a world I don’t look at enough it was a good time – I even drank two beers – let me commend the folks at the Moishe House for providing good beer. The top layer was warm, but getting my hand to the bottom of both coolers allowed me to get an ice cold Fat Tire Ale and a bottle of Blue Moon, I also noticed Sierra Nevada in there as well – not bad for a college party.

I noticed that everyone was dressed up besides me, I was just wearing a t-shirt and the same pants I wore for shabbos and sandals, everyone else was dressed to party (which really means they wanted to get some) I wanted to get some, who doesn’t, but I don’t dress up for these things – I go as myself and don’t really like the prospect of getting some – as nice as it sounds it’s not really thing either and hasn’t been in at least 10 years.

What on earth is Moishe House?

Imagine a Jewish Old School? Moishe House is a foundation that subsidizes the rent of a house for young Jewish adults who want to put on events for other young Jewish folks. For instance the Moishe House in Palo Alto gets about half of its rent paid for and a budget for events, such as the party they threw last night. On Sunday night they had a friends of the IDF barbeque and last Sunday they had a JSN barbecue. They throw Shabbat dinners and I’m sure they will be doing loads of interesting events. Other Moishe Houses have yoga and hikes, some have cooking classes, really any event to bring young Jews together.

Unlike most Moishe Houses, the one in Palo Alto isn’t run by a bunch of super left leaning hippies, I have met a bunch of other Moishe House types and they mostly seem to be really left wing secular Jews who want to do good. The Moishe House curators of Palo Alto are two doctors and two PhD’s and they are definitely not hippies, nor are they left leaning, while I wouldn’t call them frum, the house is kosher, they keep Shabbat and they hang out in orthodox shuls – so all the Rabbis know them. It also seems that they know a lot of people or have good connections. Both of the events I attended were fairly large, with the barbecue having about 50 people and Saturday nights party having close to 200 people in attendance. From what I understand, many Moishe House events are more intimate and small. Maybe I’ll even meet some nice Jewish girls?

• Help my brother open a Moishe House in Boulder Colorado
• Should Moishe Houses have kosher kitchens?
• Partying with the Natives

I didn’t actually shave my head, but I was driving to work last Tuesday and it was hot, really hot out – like close to 100 – apparently this summer has been cold, but to me waking up to a cloudless sky and 75 degrees every day is heaven. So when it hit the upper 90′s last week I finally realized that the mop on my head had to go. I love my long hair and I’ve had it various lengths of dirty hippie look for the last 2 years, but the heat combined with the high holidays coming up really caused me to swerve my car into a strip mall that said Express Cuts.

Almost every time I get a haircut, I dread it, but this time I walked in and proudly told them to get the mop off my head. She asked me what I wanted and I told her to do whatever she wished and to leave my sideburns (peyos) She said in this thick Persian accent that she would give me a “6″ on top and a “4″ on the sides, having no idea what on earth she was talking about I told her to go ahead.

I walked out 15 minutes later with the shortest hair I have had in 3 or 4 years. The next day I went to shul to get a yarmulke from the free bin, one thing I love about having short hair is the comfort of wearing those large free flimsy yarmulkes they give to folks so they can profile the newbies in an orthodox shul. Ever wonder why free yarmulkes are always white, bright pink or purple, no the designers aren’t gay interior designers who contracted out their patio designs. It’s all to do with singling out the newbie for a possible aliyah, shul reject job and to signal to the kiddush folks to hide the non-mevushal wine so the newbie who may or may not be Jewish doesn’t worship idols with his little kiddush cup as he looks at the wine and makes it non-kosher. So I grabbed some faux black velvet yarmulkes, some shiny purple and a green one from the bin at Emek Bracha in Palo Alto and I have been rocking the shiny black velvet since – so much more comfy than using pins or clips for suede or knit – I’m all about the velvet – I also get to pretend I’m frumming out.

It’s a bit of a shock to people I get a haircut,, especially for folks around here who haven’t known me too long, they know me as the unshaven large yamy wearing long haired guy, so when they see me they are in for a surprise.

• Lets face it the type of yarmulke you wear does matter
• Judging people based on the way they wear their yamrulkes
• Changing your yarmulke style is not that easy

I was sitting at a seder once with my family at a hotel, not knowing my father was how he is, this young girl at the table expressed that she was a vegetarian because she felt it was morally wrong not to be. My father basically tore her new one with a talmudic discourse why she was basically a kofer for saying that anyone who partook in the beis hamikdash was morally wrong. He went on and on about the crazy liberals and Jews who didn’t know a blatt gemera from a hole in the wall, she cried, my brother and I left the table and my father continued to yell about the farshtunkanah liberals – classic! Even Rav Kook who people cite as their source that you can be frum and a vegetarian, ate chicken on shabbos. So that begs the discussion of whether you can really be a frum vegan – vegetarians eat fish – vegans won’t even wear a sterimel and everyone knows you can’t be a frum yungerman without a streimel. 

Stuff Jewish Vegans Like:

Golus: We don’t make sacrifices for the sake of purifications, lots of animals are saved.

Adam and Chava: They ate grass and apples – vegans love em.

Moshiach: When moshiach comes we will all be vegetarians. Wait, I thought that when moshiach comes we will all be Lubavitchers.

Yom Kippur: We don’t wear leather and we don’t eat, must be good for Vegans – they always seem so skinny anyway.

The Nine Days: Imagine a world where the Jewish vegan doesn’t have to explain to everyone why they don’t eat flesh? Now imagine that every kosher restaurant started serving tofu – even some of the frum ones.

Tzar Belly Chaim: You can’t torture animals is in the torah! Sign me up. I am sure they talked about this one a lot at the Hazon Food Conference.

Aver Min Hachai: At least those Jewish meat eaters can’t rip off a limb from a live one. I wonder if Jewish Vegans ever have signs saying this at red lobsters.

Rav Kook: He may have eaten a small piece of chicken on Shabbos, but to have such a great rabbi as ammunition for your “frum and vegan” arguments is a pretty big deal.

Stuff Jewish Vegans Hate:

Torah scrolls: Can you imagine how many cows it takes to make one sefer torah? Then again, can you imagine how many trees we are saving by making it out of cows. Now factor in the amount of water and land it takes produce one cow and you may be able to argue that it’s better to use cows – but Vegans probably won’t listen to any argument to kill a cow.

Beis Hamikdash: I think this would be my worst nightmare if I were a vegan, sacrificing living creatures to purify us for our sins and to thank God for providing those creatures that we eat. Seems pretty much antithetical to veganism.

Tefillin: I wonder if any vegans have tried to make tefillin out of pleather or faux leather? Do frum vegans wear tefillin?

Techeles: Sounds like tzar belly chaim to me.

Mezuzah: Just another excuse for parchment

Megillah: More parchment usage

Parah Adumah: So let me get this straight, you take an endangered species and burn it for its ashes to purify you. Sounds like a waste of a perfectly happy cow.

Streimels: At least a mink coat keeps you warm, but streimels don’t even have ear flaps, they are a useless way to use a perfectly innocent animal – besides beavers aren’t even kosher (for a two weeks a month) I couldn’t control myself.

• What if moshiach were modern orthodox?
• Reasons why Jewish feminism may not be a good idea
• What non-Jews may think of some Jewish rituals

When I get some time later this week, I hope to email each of the dozens of folks that donated money to my buy a car fund so far, but I just want to extend my hakaras hatov to you all to say that I noticed and I am ecstatic. I knew I wasn’t going to raise a million bucks in this economy from a bunch of cheap Jews but deep inside I hoped you folks were going to give me something so I didn’t go into the doldrums of thinking that no one cared enough to throw me $5 which some of you did – the biggest donation was $50 and that’s insanely amazing.

A big yasher koach to my buddy Saul who drove me in his Tacoma all the way to Yosemite yesterday to take all the stuff out of my car. He’s not even an old friend, just a fan who had emailed me several months before I ever had an intention of moving to the Bay Area to say that his wife and him made some damned good Mexican food (which they do) and that if I were ever in Berkeley I should come over.

So I’m car-less which kind of sucks for an outdoors guy like myself. Luckily, the Bay Area is one of the best places in the country for commuting without a car. I can get to work via a 25 minute light rail ride, have a carpool home at the end of the night and can ride my bike almost anywhere. Unfortunately, getting to shul is tough because showing up in spandex goes against my morals (and seeing all my junk hanging out would freak out the rabbis) so I can’t get to shul or get to the beis medrish to learn, but God will provide. Also getting to people for Shabbos, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur may be problematic, but I will make the most of it until I can afford a car.

When it comes to car culture, the Bay Area is the exact opposite of southern California. Many people don’t have cars and cars stop for pedestrians and cyclists in cross walks. People take the train – it’s pretty amazing when it comes down to it. If I lived in a frum community I would consider going for longer without a car (but getting to backpacking and mountain biking is tough)

Still back to the point of this email – money – you see folks this post has nothing to do with sex, because in all honesty life is about money. Sex is just a byproduct of it and God, of course, if you want to get all Jewish on me. I know that many of you don’t have paypal (my paypal address is frumsatire@gmail.com) so if you want to send me a check you could send it to:

Heshy Fried
1670 Phantom Ave
San Jose, CA 95125

Once again I hope to thank you all individually when I get to stay online for longer than an hour.

• Save Eliyahu Weinstein send me your money now
• Is Orthodox Judaism about the sex, the money or both?
• Stuff old Jewish people like

Guest post by Dale Rosenbach

While Moses was preparing to give up leadership, the Israelites were preparing to enter the Promised Land and participate in a “new commitment” (as ArtScroll puts it) to the Torah at Mount Eival.  Moses commands the Israelites (Deut. 27:1) with the use of the terminology “Shamor es kol hamitzvah…” (Safekeep the entirety of the commandments) — that’s odd, because many people today like to play Jeopardy-style Judaism.

Jeopardy-style Judaism is the newest alliteration to reflect the growing popularity of those who speak into the proverbial microphone and say, “I’ll take this mitzvah for $200, Alex,” with the implication, of course, that they wouldn’t ever think of fulfilling the obligations listed in other, less desirable categories.  Much like “Wars of the 1600s” and “French Foreign Diplomats,” there are many categories of biblical and rabbinical precepts that people like to pretend aren’t there, hoping that someone else will deal with them so they can move on and not be bothered.

But Moses makes it clear that his boss requires complete compliance — “kol hamitzvah,” or in plain English “everything.”  At first this might seem to be at odds with Jeopardy-style Judaism, but after some keen investigation, it’s clear that Judaism completely rejects the Jeopardy method of precept selection.  It’s like my great-great-great grandfather always said: “Judaism is like a summating neuron…it’s all or none, baby.” (n.b. I used to be a baby).

Now, kiruv organizations will have you believe that this is not the case.  They preach slow and steady accumulation of greater and greater “adherence” points until such time as the kiruvee has reached the level at which he or she needs to put everything together.  This is, of course, because it cannot be expected that some recent returnee does everything all at once — ’cause, yeah, there’s a lot!  But this is a kiruv method — not a prototype for life.  For someone who knows how, choosing A and disregarding B is insubordination.

I’m certainly not here on this planet to judge anyone, but there sure seems to be a group of people that have taken two important things out of context and use them to make a mockery of Judaism by pushing Jeopardy-style Judaism.

The first thing this group of people have done is misunderstood a line from Pirkei Avos (Ethics of Our Fathers).  R’ Akiva taught (3:19) that “ha’reshus nisuna” — “permission is granted.”  This is meant to existentially assert that humans have free will to decide if they shall proceed on the path of righteousness and abide by the rules.  What this does not mean to do is provide support for those contestants of Jeopardy-style Judaism by declaring that “permission is granted” to choose things from category A and ignore category B, as it suits them.

The second thing this group of people have done is to hijack the term “Modern Orthodox,” much like elements of Conservative Judaism have hijacked that term over the past few decades.  Contrary to what many believe to be true, subscribing to Modern Orthodoxy does not permit one to violate halacha or promote wayward hashkafa.  As R’ Norman Lamm puts it, “being Modern Orthodox doesn’t mean that you can talk in shul.”  But, surprisingly, people think it does!  Well, perhaps it’s not that surprising, because people also thought it would be a good idea to elect Obama.

This group of people, and they exist over time and space and are perhaps unified merely by a collective ideology, insists that various halachic legislation doesn’t apply to them and that’s criminal…literally.  R’ David Pahmer, a prominent student of R’ Schachter (YU) explained to me that Modern Orthodoxy was a change in Orthodoxy that, basically, evolved to embrace four things: secular education, education for females, a lack of narrow focus on the teachings of one’s singular halachic authority, and finally, a place in the religious person’s life for the modern establishment of the State of Israel.  Those who desire to perpetuate an 18th century manifestation of Jewish life and culture despite it being 2010 would thus maintain Orthodoxy as their label, so to speak, and if they consistently promote a exceedingly pious lifestyle of abundant care and regard for Torah and halacha, would then merit the prefix “ultra-” placed beforehand.  But just because someone wears a long coat while he waits in line at the Medicaid office to deceive the counterman or strokes his very long beard while recklessly filling out his tax return doesn’t mean someone gets that prefix.  Not that I know anyone who does this — but I’m just stating it for the record.

So yes, I’m Modern Orthodox.  And when I talked with R’ Mordechai Becher last night a little bit about this, he told me that he’s also Modern Orthodox.  Although I am a dentist and I’m married to a dentist, I do not talk during chazaras ha’shatz.  There are many other precepts that can be used as examples, but to keep focus, I’d rather not make this into a tznius issue, although it certainly is one.  But it’s an issue for all areas — all categories — of Judaism.  Those who maintain their idle and errant lifestyle under the assumed or actual excuse of, “yeah, but I’m Modern Orthodox, so that doesn’t apply to me” should think twice before they continue “Tarnishing Reputations” for $200 and “Deluding Themselves” for $1000.

• Parshas Key Savo devar torah
• Parshas Vaera devar torah
• Parshas Vayelech devar torah