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OTD Geirus Procedures

Halacha states that one must turn away a ger or giyores a few times before we finally open up our arms and embrace them in the loving embrace the frum community is so famous for; after the geirus they get the top shidduchim, their kids get into the best yeshivos and no one ever questions the sincerity of their conversion.

The reason potential geirim have to be rebuffed is obvious: the Jewish people are an ethnic community, they only take care of their own, so in order to ensure they don’t get stuck with schleppers and nebech cases they have to screen applicants very strictly.

The frum community of Milwaukee learned that lesson when, after running their “Think Milwaukee” ad in the Yated for a year, all they got were single mothers and others discarded from Brooklyn and Lakewood, their only interest in Milwaukee was the free tuition.

Well I think it’s time the OTD community did the same: with its limited resources and its need to fight the reputation it now has as the default fallback for every yeshiva/seminary dropout it needs to put up some barriers to entry. I propose that Footsteps have a list of criteria it adheres to before giving anyone an OTD ID card, and all the benefits that come along with it. Here are my suggestions:

  1. If you’re going OTD because you fell in love with an already-OTD girl with a nose ring: you’re automatically disqualified.
  2. The Footsteps counselor should make it a point to remind the applicant that the OTD are the historical victims of persecution and ask them why they’re out of their mind enough to want to go OTD?
  3. You have to memorize the OTD aseres hadibros.
  4. You have to study OTDness with a chavrusah for 10 years and be mechalel shabbos b’farhesya for a year leading up to your geirus, otherwise you’ll be deemed to be insincere.
  5. You have to throw out your milchig, fleishig and pesachdishes (or donate them to kupas ezrah) and get a new set for treif.
  6. If you’re a kohen then you can’t go OTD. Sorry, a rule’s a rule.
  7. If you’re male you have to undergo foreskin restoration, and it has to be done in the Footsteps lobby followed by a meal – midah k’neged midah.
  8. If you’re female you have to wash off all that mikvah by swimming from Brooklyn to Manhattan while naked. Three men have to inspect you to make sure you’re fully naked and that you swam every inch.
  9. You have to get a GED and get accepted into an Ivy League school and be on the dean’s list to prove your sincerity in undoing your entire childhood and starting in on a new life.

What are your suggestions?

{ 147 comments… add one }
  • Offthedwannab February 18, 2017, 10:44 PM

    If youre pretty, send me nudes for a few months to prove you’re an oisvorf. It would really smooth things along. If you’re a guy send them to Shragi.

  • Kumat Me'Brah February 19, 2017, 10:55 AM

    A few days ago I saw Heshy at a local Vons grocery store. I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didnt want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything.
    He said, Oh, like youre doing now?
    I was taken aback, and all I could say was Huh? but he kept cutting me off and going huh? huh? huh? and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his hands without paying. The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like Sir, you need to pay for those first. At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter.
    When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually to prevent any electrical infetterence, and then turned around and winked at me. I dont even think thats a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly.
    It was very awkward and just plain weird.—-

    • Dray February 19, 2017, 4:02 PM

      You sound like an awkward douche.

      • Count chocula February 22, 2017, 4:09 AM

        He’s just a troll. Relax.

      • Kumat Me'Brah February 25, 2017, 9:44 PM

        The details of my life are quite inconsequential… very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chava with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Crown heights, luge lessons. In the spring we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of thirteen, before my bar mitzva, a Yemeni Jew named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum… it’s breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.

    • Count chocula February 22, 2017, 4:10 AM

      Welcome to 2001

      • Kumat Me'Brah February 25, 2017, 9:50 PM

        No. I’ll stay right here brah.

  • Michael Fishman March 5, 2017, 6:36 PM

    My 10:

    1. Eat trayf on Shabbos. Post pics to social media or it doesn’t count.
    2. Not McDonalds, you pushit oisvorf! If you need to do burgers,at least do Bare Burger. Or some no-name Greek diner.
    3. Brush up on all that pop culture you missed as a child. You lived through the 90s and you cannot recite the theme to Fresh Prince of Bel Air? No one in the goyish world will ever accept you.
    4. Be sure you know why the Kuzari argument makes no sense. That’s usually the first line of offense used by your old chevra in trying to lure you back in.
    5. Pascal’s Wager? Remember, Blaise Pascal was a Christian, and his wager did not lend itself to Judaism. Plus, he was using it as a hypothetical demonstration of Game Theory, not an actual theological argument.
    6. While pushita emunah is admired among the frum veldt, pushita kefira is not. Be sure to be able to explain why throw the baby out with the bathwater. Why not just become modern orthodox? Or conservative? Why did you have to become an atheist/agnostic/whatever?
    7. Be angry. All the time. If you’re not angry at your 3rd grade rebbe, you are not actually OTD. Shoyn?
    8. Change the way you use the world “bum”. To your new goyishe friends, a “bum” is not a person who is friends with members of the opposite sex, smokes cigarettes, and listens to secular music. Stop using it that way.
    9. The internet was made for watching porn. That is all. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
    10. Golf is not a sport. You get more of a workout davening Shmoneh Esrai. Don’t let your new goyishe friends convince you otherwise.

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