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I almost went a month without masturbating

dangers-of-masturbationThe fellow who wrote this wasn’t joking when he said most guys who went to yeshiva would be able to relate. I feel like the entire mussar of my yeshiva was based on eating cheeseburgers and masturbating, I hear both are some of Hashems greatest gifts to man, but what do I know. I do recall that feeling of guilt that hung over folks after going 2 weeks without choking the chicken and having top start all over again. It’s like we were addicts or something.

By anonymous

It was well after lights out, but Yankel still had his blankets folded strategically to hide his erection. Today was twenty two days since he had last masturbated, and he was feeling very tempted to break his streak. He was held back by his sense of achievement; it was after all, a fair accomplishment to have gone for so long without giving into his temptations. And Yankel knew it was wrong, he knew how it sundered his connection with his Creator every time he wasted his life-giving seed. Furthermore, anything which provided only pleasure with no purpose was evil, and Yankel was well versed in that regard. But he has been so good, it had been so long since he’d indulged, surely he deserved a reward, he had earned it… He felt a throb from his groin, and the familiar longings rushed back to him. His pulse quickened.


Slowly, stealthily, he swung his feet off his bed and onto the floor. His movements were automatic, on autopilot. His mind was numb, his body in full control. He grabbed a towel from the hanging rack and slipped into the bathroom, locking it with a muted click. Soon the shower water was hot and steaming, and Yankel stood in the middle of the bathroom, his clothes in a mess around his feet, his penis in his hand. By now his mind had woken up in protest, but it was far too late.


He stepped into the shower, almost instantly adapting to the hot water, and grabbed the softest shampoo on the shelf. Lathering gently at first, then rubbing in earnest, he felt three weeks of sexual frustration bubble up inside of him. Somewhere, his soul was screaming at him to stop, how he was doing something so terrible and innately wrong, but the monstrous animal within him was roaring triumphantly. Seconds later, it was all over. Jets of white liquid streamed out of his body in salvos, short bursts that he tried hastily to aim at the drain. Knees bent slightly, he let out a soft groan, once again conscious of his sleeping dormmates. And under the steady spray of the shower, his organ still dripping, Yankel cried. The feelings of remorse were instantaneous and cruel. The monster within him was gone completely, having gotten what it wanted. His mind was back in full force, with renewed authority. He stared at his own body, repulsed at what he had done. He had just defiled his sacred covenant with God, the ring of circumcised flesh as visible as ever. And his streak of abstinence, gone to waste. He was a disgusting creature, the worst of the worst, with no self-control. He let the shower go freezing cold, then too hot. Bitter tears mixed with the shower water until they stopped completely. Two minutes of self-beration later, Yankel shut the water. He dried himself and dressed in the clothes that he had strewn carelessly on the floor. He gently eased the door open, and got back into bed.


He had just showered, but he felt dirty, as unclean as ever, the cloying scent of the shampoo he’d used wafting up his nostrils and suffocating him with guilt. Tomorrow, how could he face anyone? They’d never know, but he would. How could he go to mikvah in the morning, walking naked among the more pious students who had an actual ounce of control over their physical desires? How could he wear tefillin, using the same hand which committed the sin to wrap the leather straps? How would God hear his prayers in the morning, coming from so lowly a creature, worse than the filthiest worm? And with each thought, he sank deeper and deeper into a dark and tormented sleep, from which he awoke grimly resolved to destroy his evil inclination once and for all.

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{ 54 comments… add one }
  • reb yankel May 21, 2014, 9:57 AM

    Beautifully written piece of literature.
    About the zera l’vatoleh, it’s another clear case where charedi stringency turns people to do more averus. Chazal tell us that wives hold their men away from sin, they also tell us that dovid hamelech had his first wife at 13 years old. Now imagine the disgusting gender segregation gets done away with and sex education gets taught alongside niddah, and you have boys knowing girls who are not in nidah, then changing to other girls when the first ones are in nida.
    Result: you’ve steered away entire generations from the sin that the Shulchen Oruch labels as THE WORST SIN,THE SPILLAGE OF SEED WHEN ALONE.
    If Moshiach won’t come for this, then for what will he come?

    • G*3 May 21, 2014, 1:49 PM

      I’m not sure which is worse. Forbidding boys and girls from socializing, or encouraging boys to socialize with girls so that the girls can be used for sex.

      • Eric Farquharson May 21, 2014, 2:00 PM

        That’s a hard one.

        • reb yankel May 21, 2014, 7:05 PM

          If that’s hard for you then you’re probably looking at it from a twisted perspective. I’m not suggesting young teens having sex just for the sake of relieving their lust until they feel a need for another go. Rather, what I meant was, let normal relationships build between the genders, then sex already comes automatically anyways. When it comes to Niddah, the boy, if he has developed a deep bond with the girl, can show his love in other less intimate ways. If he’s unable to let his batteries in a recharging stage for 7+ days, he can use it to please another girl, meanwhile, her bonded partner can rub things out herself, there’s no issur for a girl to masturbate.

          Imagine all the seed that will be saved, the zechus would be immense. The holy seforim tell us that from all the seeds that a man spills, from them get created lots of demons, these demons come to haunt him when he’s nifter, they taunt him and ask ”why did you create me in such a form? I also want a physical body like you had”.
          It’s also well known that you can’t do teshuvah on this sin,
          after doing it, it’s too late to regret (although chasidic seforim write that this is only the case if one does teshuvah only, but if one does teshuvah AND toils himself in the study of Toireh, his teshuvah does get accepted).
          The Gemara states that a man who masturbates deserves to die. Another gemara states that a man who masturbates goes to hell and boils in a big pot filled with white semen.
          Another Gemara states that a man who masturbates should get his arm chopped off.
          You see, this is all serious stuff. For how long will orthodox Jews let this sin run rampant among us, it’s time to act.

          • G*3 May 21, 2014, 7:26 PM

            > he holy seforim tell us that from all the seeds that a man spills, from them get created lots of demons

            And the Rambam said that there are no such thing as demons.

            > Another gemara states that a man who masturbates goes to hell and boils in a big pot filled with white semen.

            A while back Heshy had a post where he calculated the amount of semen that an average man could produce in his lifetime, and it’s not nearly enough to boil someone in.

            But I am beginning to see why you think that young teenagers swinging is preferable to masturbation.

            • reb yankel May 23, 2014, 12:09 PM

              If it’s indeed true that the Rambam doesn’t believe in demons (he may be misinterpreted as happens a lot), then in this case he’s a daas yechidueh (a lone proposer). The clear consensus of the Gemara is that demons do exist. They may not reside among us, but the spiritual universe is filled with them.

              About the boiling pot, you’re funny, d’you really think that we’re talking about physical semen? His semen?

              We’re talking about someone who deserves that a big spiritual pot be created for him, in this pot his spirit gets dropped, this pot is in turn filled with spiritual semen, spiritual charcoal is then pushed under the pot, which in turn is lighted with spiritual fire, soon afterwards, the spiritual boiling process gets underway.

              • G*3 May 23, 2014, 2:24 PM

                > The clear consensus of the Gemara is that demons do exist.

                Yeah, the gemara says a lot of wacky things.

                > d’you really think that we’re talking about physical semen?

                I think we’re talking about nonsense, but hey, if you take it seriously, enjoy.

                • reb yankel May 24, 2014, 3:00 PM

                  If you’re not orthodox, then what’s there to talk to you?
                  I’m talking about the charedi world here, a world where a book called shulchan oruch has the biggest authority on day-to-day life. This same book declares seed spillage the worst sin and likens it to murder.
                  The Gemara says lots of wacky things? Yes it does, but again we orthodox jews take even the wacky stuff seriously. Parts of the Gemara aren’t meant to be taken literally and parts of it were clearly written as humor, but if you know how to learn and you’ll will look deeply into our subject, you’ll see that this sin is an accepted integrated serious theme of jewishness. Across all communities, this was and still is no joke and is far from ‘nonsense’.

                  • G*3 May 24, 2014, 9:57 PM

                    > If you’re not orthodox, then what’s there to talk to you?I’m talking about the charedi world here,

                    So you’re saying that non-Chareidi = non-Orthodox?

                    > a world where a book called shulchan oruch has the biggest authority on day-to-day life. This same book declares seed spillage the worst sin and likens it to murder.

                    Yeah, and if you believe in an afterlife then you should also believe that R’ Yosef Cairo probably regrets that bit of hyperbole.

                    Incidentally, the SA also says that kaporos is avodah zara. So much for it being “the biggest authority.”

                    > Across all communities, this was and still is no joke and is far from ‘nonsense’.

                    That some people treat it seriously doesn’t mean that it’s not nonsense.

                    • reb yankel May 25, 2014, 10:03 AM

                      The SA did not say that kaporos is avodah zara, you’re misinterpreting his words. Does an old version of the SA say that it’s a nonsensical custom? Yes, but A: It never entered the shulchen oruch we have today and B. It never entered the kitzur SA, which gets opened more than the full fledged one.

                      ”R’ Yosef Cairo probably regrets”
                      Are you kidding me? When he has the backing of the consensus in the Gemara and the Zoiher? The backing of the legendary maggid, the angel that helped him learn and pasken shalles?

                      ”Some people”
                      That’s all you give it? I don’t know which community you grew up in, but i’ve never come across a rav that doesn’t take zera levatoleh seriously.

            • A. Nuran May 24, 2014, 7:50 PM

              My favorite was the one where you spend eternity running across the sky while supernatural beings throw javelins made of your semen at you. Of course, there’s also the one where shiksas you’ve had relations with are glommed onto you for all eternity. Seems like a pretty severe punishment for the poor girls.

          • Eric Farquharson May 21, 2014, 8:04 PM

            It takes just one sperm to fertilize an egg and achieve a pregnancy, but for each sperm that reaches and fertilizes an egg, there are millions that don’t. Why are so many sperm released if it takes only one to make a baby? To meet the waiting egg, the semen must travel from the vagina to the fallopian tubes, an arduous journey that few sperm survive. For those that complete the trip, penetration of the egg is far from a sure thing. The egg is covered by a thick layer that makes fertilization difficult. Experts believe this process may be nature’s way of allowing only the healthiest sperm to fertilize the egg, thereby providing the best chances to produce a healthy baby.

            I guess I have a lot of demons then. Too many to count.

            • reb yankel May 22, 2014, 8:50 AM

              It looks like you’re not that well versed in this orthodox Jewish subject so I’ll let you know that seed spillage has nothing to do with the number of sperm that fertilizers an egg. Everyone knows or rather everyone should know the science that you mention, but again, it’s completely irrelevant here. A man is allowed to ejaculate on/near a women whether it goes into her vagina or not, no demons here. A man is allowed to have sex when a women is pregnant, no demons here. According to reb Meir in the Talmud, a man is allowed to use a condom while having sex in three cases, no demons here as well.
              Demons haven’t got much to do with the physical semen, it’s simply a higher spiritual ‘science’ that masturbating alone=bad demons. The Kabalists say that as long as you’re doing sex to please your women, all the spiritual beings go to the ‘good side’ ,so no demons here.

              • Eric Farquharson May 22, 2014, 9:05 AM

                Ok. Let people beat off, it’s still no concern of yours.

              • Shoel May 28, 2014, 11:47 AM

                Reb Yankel, please quote a source on your statement, that it is permissible “on/near a woman”. Also please provide the exact location of the Gemara of R’ Meir.

      • reb yankel May 21, 2014, 6:27 PM

        You’re looking at it too deeply, and by the way, the boys will also ‘be used for sex’, everyone should ‘be used for sex’. It’s a natural healthy activity that should be encouraged when one reaches 13/14.
        It’s why in many cultures and tribes, when a girl reaches that age, she’s given an opportunity to choose a boy his age to ‘be used for sex’.

        • G*3 May 21, 2014, 6:52 PM

          There’s a world of difference between developing a relationship with someone, or even just hooking up, and cynically learning the cycle of the women in your social group so that you can use them to relieve yourself.

          • reb yankel May 21, 2014, 7:12 PM

            And can you tell me exactly what’s wrong with teaching a class that the Toireh asks us to avoid having sex when a girl bleeds?
            The teacher will also talk about how the male scrotum works if that’ll make you happy.

            • G*3 May 21, 2014, 7:28 PM

              Halevei yeshivos should teach sex ed, or even just not skip the chapter in the biology textbook on human reproduction.

              But that’s not what you were suggesting. You’re advocating young teenagers, children really, swinging in order to avoid ever “spilling seed.”

              • reb yankel May 21, 2014, 7:59 PM

                You’re entitled to your own opinion, but in my humble opinion, children at that age have naturally reached this stage of life, and they should be encouraged to follow these instincts (seed spillage or not). And from where do you come from anyway? In my country, it’s normal for 13 and 14 year old’s to get started.

                And from the way you emphasize ‘spilling seed’ I get it that it’s not important for you, but know that I’m an orthodox Jew and this spillage sin is deeply rooted in our cherished tradition.

                • Sholom Keller June 3, 2014, 12:31 PM

                  I call Poe’s Law.

    • BOP May 22, 2014, 1:37 PM

      you are at a very beginner stage of understanding my friend and your whole thought process is based on spilling of seed when in fact there are much larger issues of love and life at play here

      • reb yankel May 23, 2014, 12:13 PM

        D’you seriously think that for me the most important thing to love and life is seed spillage? Or are are you trying to deny that the seed spillage issue is a major jewish briss between God and His people? Are you trying to deny the fact chatois ne’irim, the chet hayudia, the chet which brought us the mabil, the chet that’s mentioned over and over by many Toireh luminaries, that this very chet is not a major jewish theme, a theme for life?

        But I’m an idiot for responding to people like you who lose the argument rather quickly. That happens the moment they decide to personally attack other’s understanding ability or ‘thought process’. Well done and keep up your superior altitude.

        • yeshivaforum May 23, 2014, 12:32 PM

          Teachers and parents and bias medrash bochurim should not talk about this at all to younger bochurim. The steipler already said it shouldn’t be talked about or made into an issue at all. A master of Torah and Kabbalah said this. Kids should just jerk off when they need to. Any talk is evil.

          • reb yankel May 24, 2014, 3:44 PM

            We’ve followed their advice for how many decades now? And what has this led to? Seed spillage,murder,demons,confused sexuality,social dysfunctionality,self-loathing,depression,etc. In other words, a complete failure. It’s high time for a change of altitude. Something that may have just about worked at their dor has clearly been shown to not work nowadays.

            You mention two Toireh masters, but I come in the name of the Gemara,shulchen oruch and thousands of kabbalistic and chasidic seforim, add to that the thousands of gedolim of previous generations and our generation, ashkenazim and sefardim alike, who make a point of talking publicly against this dire sin.

            ”Kids should just jerk off when they need to”
            Decide now, are you orthodox or not? If yes then you make sure that your children avoid this terrible sin.

            ???? ????? ?? ?????

            ???? ????? ?? ??? ?????

            “???? ?????? ???? ??? ?????, ????? ?? ???? ??? ?????? ??????”.
            ????? ???? ??? ???? – ???? ??

            ?’ ?????? ????: ?? ????? ???? ?????? ????? ???? ???? ?????

            ???? ? ????? ??? ?????: ????? ???? ????, ??? ??????? ???. ??? ??? ??? ?????? ?? ????, ?? ??? ?? ????? ??? ??? ??? ????

            ”Any talk is evil”

            These four words reveal exactly what’s so wrong with the current charedi mindset. A community where talk is evil, to avoid at all cost, but sins likened to murder are to be ignored. THIS IS THE REAL EVIL.

            And here’s a nice lecture given by reb yoisi mizruchi on the importance of this issur https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wy6lLjtMytc

            • yeshivaforum May 24, 2014, 6:32 PM

              Nobody followed the steipler in my yeshiva. I’m in my twenties. They all talked about it. I know all those quotes you just listed and more. I totally bought into it for years. Only when I was out of high school and in 2nd year bais medrash did someone tell me about the steiplers opinion and it was the first thing that made actual sense. According to you it’s worth it to lose hundreds of bochurim to having their souls crushed by the weight of something they feel to much of an animal a rotzeiach a meshukatz to control. They feel less than human. Not worthy to be Jew much less a ben Torah. And they don’t pursue a life if learning because of this. But this is worth it to you. It’s not to me. At all. It’s rishus. The purest form. Torture designed to crush spirits of innocent boys. Anyone with any soul left in them should revile in horror.

              • reb yankel May 25, 2014, 9:48 AM

                This is exactly the problem, buchrim will always talk about it among themselves whether they get educated about it or not, which will result in the disgrace that is today, where thousands of the worst averus get committed every day ???? ??? ???? ????

                My approach would not make anyone ”crushed by the weight of something they feel to much of an animal a rotzeiach a meshukatz to control” Read my other comments and you”ll understand that this won’t happen.

                • yeshivaforum May 25, 2014, 1:17 PM

                  The bochurim weren’t talking about it, the rebbeim and bias madrash guys were always talking about it. We were too embarrassed.

                • yeshivaforum May 25, 2014, 1:34 PM

                  And ain kol? I said everyone was freakin talking about how terrible it is. It just doesn’t work. Threatening and scaring about te punishments and how terrible it is doesn’t work. It does do exactly what this post describes though.
                  Your plan is desperate and has so many holes. Maybe boys and girls should get married much younger I hear that one. But using each other for sex? It’s ridiculous. And then what? They just stop and go shidduch dating? Hey who’ve you been screwing for the past 10 years? Oh Moishy chaim basically all chaim Berlin 9th grade. But don’t worry theres no emotional screwups bec teenagers have no emotions. No I do now and totally will love you when we get married. Yeah there’s an emotion switch they turn on and off so the first boy I ever met I just fucked every day for years but we didn’t care about each other at all. Oh don’t worry about me I’m on a heavy regimen of heroin I’ll be fine.
                  All bec of jerking off. Listen to yourself. You think god planned his universe this way? It’s nuts.

                  • reb yankel May 25, 2014, 8:08 PM

                    Even where they do talk, like you said, they try to scare, but nothing gets implemented, the whole issue is ignored. And when I say that we need more talk on this subject, I’m not suggesting this type of talk, but a talk on how to end these averus in a civilized manner.

                    And I never suggested emotionless sex, where did you see that? I’m saying, let there be formalized normal relationships.
                    About shidduch dates, who cares about those? The only need for them now is because we’re stuck in this madness. Once you have your know-how,etc. you can marry with one of the girls you bonded best.
                    Also, you can go check Heshy’s old posts on how he managed this shidduch scenario you mention.

                    And let’s say that in the rare case that someone has intimate relations for years but all without emotions. So what? He can A. Start to take it more seriously, or B. Not marry, since that’s clearly not for him/her, because not having emotions for a partner probably also means not having emotions for his/her children.

                    This is taking it to case of killing two birds with one stone, no more seed flooding and no more shidduch crisis.

                    • yeshivaforum May 25, 2014, 8:17 PM

                      How would you end it by talking? As far as your idea, it’s never going to happen. I’m not going to argue anymore if it’s a good idea or not bec who knows? It’s never happened before. But it’s basically a huge social experiment and change and I can’t imagine it will ever actually happen. You’d have to change the entire system top down. In a dictatorship you could do it. Not in the real world. The only practical change I see is yeshivos one by one changing their policy. Recognizing it’s a lost cause. There is no cure so let’s stop hurting young bochurim over it.

                    • reb yankel May 26, 2014, 6:28 PM

                      Point taken

                  • Andonymous May 26, 2014, 8:23 PM

                    “It’s nuts.”


            • Sholom Keller June 3, 2014, 12:35 PM

              ?? ??? ?? ????? ??? ??? ??? ????

              K. So no handjobs and no footjobs. Got it. How about blowjobs? Buttsecks? Oh holy rabbi, is it permitted for two men to make out with each other while they dry-hump pillows? There’s no hands involved, no feet either, and they’re not alone.

              • Sholom Keller June 3, 2014, 12:37 PM

                I mean, surely kissing isn’t usir. The hayligetoyre is full of rabbis kissing each other n stuff.

              • reb yankel June 7, 2014, 7:04 PM

                Hello new joker. What exactly are you on about?
                You also don’t seem to understand what ????? means (hint:it’s not something doable between two legitimate partners).

                • reb yankel June 7, 2014, 7:15 PM

                  Actually, I probably misunderstood your comment, so sorry for that. Your first English sentence is probably referring to homosexual acts, right? If so, then know my son, that ‘alone’ means being without a legitimate partner, so there’s your answer.

                  Where it gets interesting is where you have 2 men and 1 female, and the female doesn’t have a partner. Are they allowed to have tashmish at the same time? I haven’t got an answer for that.

  • yeshivaforum May 21, 2014, 6:15 PM

    Way too graphic for me but excellent conveyance of the feelings we all went through.

  • Andonymous May 21, 2014, 8:09 PM

    I regret the day I thought I could be pious in the face of the human sexual impulse. We try to subdue the release of love- the very impulse which brought the whole world (not to mention every single one of us here) into existence, and we justify our self-repression with sentiments of piety, saintliness, and holiness.

    I wish I was told to be a normal adolescent when I was 13. To kiss, touch, fondle, caress, and pleasure women, as I was always inclined to. Instead, I now bear the psychological burden of over a decade of sexual confusion, self-contempt, guilt I need to overcome, and the demons of teenage passion wasted. I think it would have been better for me to never have come into contact with the notion of guilt in sexual matters- guilt is for sins; love is the root of life. I hope I am compensated for the love I lost to guilt in my youth. Shame on those who make us feel bad about being ready for love. Chaval, big time.

    • Eric Farquharson May 21, 2014, 8:16 PM

      Are you a teenager?

      • reb yankel May 22, 2014, 8:58 AM

        What part of ”over a decade of sexual confusion” don’t you understand? Can’t you learn from this that he ain’t a teen anymore?

  • ??? May 22, 2014, 6:48 PM

    Good jerk off.

  • No Text May 23, 2014, 11:37 AM

    will this be submitted to Penthouse?

  • Avrumy May 26, 2014, 4:50 AM

    So glad I’m gay. None of this shtuss.
    The horror of scaring young boys into thinking that wanking is the “worst sin imaginable” is akin to child abuse. Every “great rabbi” jerked off as a kid and these rules are their holy way of assuaging their own guilt.

    • reb yankel May 26, 2014, 12:33 PM

      You’re gay? So what? Everyone is half gay, and every man must work to withhold from inserting his productive organs into another man, the same as everyone must abstain from spilling seed when alone.
      A man inserting his sexual organs into another man or a man letting another man insert his penis into him is min haToireh doing something much worse than spilling seed alone. The severity of this offence is tremendous. He theoretically deserves the death penalty. He gets cursed by Moishe our rebbe and the whole of klal yisroel.

      • ??? ??? May 29, 2014, 8:46 AM

        Do we still have to abide by those.

        • reb yankel May 29, 2014, 9:12 AM

          Yes. Sex between men is basically the worst form of seed spillage there can be.

          • ??? ??? May 29, 2014, 4:42 PM

            According to you either way seed spillage is dangerous.

            • reb yankel May 30, 2014, 11:37 AM


      • Jason June 19, 2014, 7:24 PM

        Everyone is half-gay? Really? Speak for yourself, I have never found a guy that made me horny… Sorry, but some folks are gay, some are straight, and some fall in the zones in between… Them’s the facts..

  • marknroses June 3, 2014, 12:00 PM

    Medical research is conclusive of the benefits to spill seed and I am happy to exercise that. My gehenom should go a lot quicker than had I not done so. I am a baaad human being.

    • reb yankel June 7, 2014, 7:25 PM

      The supposed benefits do not come from spilling seed alone, rather they come from ejaculation/orgasm and its effects on the brain. All things that are achieved when having sex with a partner. But with proper sex, you get even more healthy benefits, since you interact with someone you love and you bond in a stress-free way.

      • sneezy June 8, 2014, 4:32 PM

        Reb yankel, are you an orangutan, by any chance? You seem obsessed with sex and that you want it all the time.

  • Sholom Keller June 3, 2014, 12:24 PM

    22 DAYS?!? At my most holiest I never went more than three.

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