Long distance shidduch dating sucks

out of townI’m not sure if the term GU is around anymore, but it stood for Geographically Undesirable and it was basically anyone who lived far enough that you had to take a toll bridge out of NY to get to them. Many times have I tried to set up folks from far flung places like Staten Island, Tenack, or Riverdale, only to be told that the person didn’t want to start a long distance relationship. If driving 20 miles and a 10 dollar toll was long distance, I felt bad for those fine singles who called Baltimore or Toronto home. Luckily for those realk out of towners, the shidduch crisis has gotten so bad that some New Yorkers are now willing to try out of town dating. It’s always started on the phone and almost always ends with “I can’t believe I flew out there for this shit” and this could be prevented, sort of.

Make sure to have something else to do in their town:

Long distance dating is never going to be fun, unless, you actually have good friends or things want to do where ever you happen to be traveling to. I one time drove to New Hampshire to go on a date, but I made sure that I got in a good mountain bike before the date and a hike after. Of course, the date sucked, worst of my life, but since I wasn’t there just for a date it made the travel time and expense worthwhile. So do yourself a favor and never go somewhere only for a date, you will regret it.

Don’t let them force you into a weekend of dates:

Make sure that if someone is coming to date you in your small hick town that they have something to do besides date you, one time many moons ago, a girl flew into NY to date me and she literally didn’t know anyone besides me. So when she stepped off the plane and I went through the shock of “you look nothing like your frumster picture” it took me a few minutes to realize my mistake and that I’d have to take her out on multiple dates even when I knew from the first 30 seconds that I couldn’t afford a lifetimes supply of paper bags.

Don’t spend months on the phone before your first meeting: 

There is nothing worse than building up expectations and getting all chummy on the phone, only to meet once and have it all be for nothing. My buddy does one phone conversation, maybe a skype date and that’s it, until the initial meeting. Phone chemistry and real chemistry are two different things. So while you may like talking about what you have on in the hours of the morning, it may be a bit awkward when you first meet in person. I’ve had plenty of faulty phone buildups, only to never make it beyond the first date.

Don’t play games: 

Just because someone lives out of town, doesn’t mean they don’t have lives. If someone calls you, call them back, there’s nothing worse than planning to fly back east only to never get calls back to make sure it’s on. Prompt calling and messaging is always a must, game playing is a waste of everyone’s time and money.

Don’t host them when they come to visit: 

I’ve made the mistake of hosting and being hosted by ladies I was going to meet for the first time. It almost always turns into a long distance sexual relationship that wouldn’t last on pure shidduch material alone. Long distance relationships based on initial sex are bad for everyone. Don’t do it. Don’t host the girl coming out to visit you, it’s bad news.

Skype doesn’t work sitting down:

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. If you really want to utilize skype and I know you all do, get your potential match to do a walk around. Shadows, big sweaters, and poor cameras can only hide so much when they do a walk around for you. I’m talking about guys and girls.

Think logistics:

If you work 80 hours a week and don’t have time to talk to your mother once a week, how the F are you going to start a long distance relationship that is supposed to lead to marriage? Long distance dating is frustrating, it’s time consuming and emotionally challenging. You also need to think about relocation, do you want to give up your cushy job and 315 days of sunshine a year for the rat race and crappy weather of New York. Are you willing to move to Cleveland, even if the homes are dirt cheap. Ideally you relocation should be one of the first things discussed.

Shomer negiah and long distance don’t work: 

I’ve seen the shomer negiah experiment tried in long distance, but it doesn’t work. The only way to get a guy to fly 1500 miles to meet you is if you put out. I’m not saying this in jest, I’m serious, there’s a certain emotional distress that comes with long distance and a little cuddling helps to maintain the closeness during weeks of separation.

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  • Michael Makovi

    “The only way to get a guy to fly 1500 miles to meet you is if you put out.”

    Heshy, remember the time you wrote about your friend who traveled to NYC for a Frumster date, and on the date, she told him to bring his tefillin on the second date? And I replied that I would have reported her to Frumster for breach of contract or something?

  • A. Nuran

    Skype and phone dating doesn’t give you that all-important MHC profile smell information. Considering how inbred Ashkis are it’s a very serious concern and an important part of determining suitability of potential mates. No joke. No satire.

    • Chinese Food Jew

      I would have written that off as satire until you wrote otherwise. While there is
      some data about histocompatability and perceived sexual attraction, you
      presenting it (my inference, I admit this) as the “most important thing” in
      determining marital suitability is naive and of course, exceptionally one
      dimensional. HLA typing is best left for the organ transplant crowd and not
      Jewish dating. I can see it now, “I need to see paperwork to make sure
      we have no more than 2 or 3 out of a potential 6 antigen match…or else it
      just won’t work so let’s skip the shidduch!” LOL! The study by Ober, et al,
      on the Hutterite community (n = 400 couples) was also contradicted in the
      same publication by examination of over 200 couples from Southern
      Amerindian tribes. Wedekind, et al, may have been flawed (what about
      fabric softeners on the shirts that were scented or even cologne/perfume
      that could have influenced scent?). The other problem? Wedekind, et al (and
      Roberts, et al) also note that women using oral contraceptives chose men
      with similar “smells” whereby normal cycling women did not. Uhm…so if
      your date is on the pill and finds you dead sexy what happens after the
      wedding when you want to have kinderlach? :-)

      The other assumption you’re making is that all marriages are made based
      on sexual desirability. Unless shekels and ducats give off some unique
      scent that only Jewish women can detect (does a $100 bill smell different
      to a fruma than a $5 bill?) then I am very sure (n = 1) that sexual attraction
      is not the sole or perhaps most important thing to many folks when they seek
      a spouse.

      YMMV! I think this MHC is drek, more or less.

      My 1st wife (Jewish/frum) was more attracted to me for my wallet than anything
      else. My second wife (Chinese/non-Jew) could not care less about money.

      Interestingly, we both (2nd wife/me) did some genetic testing before we had
      kids and my results came back that I likely had some Greek/Roman blood
      based on the genetic testing. This was a shocker to me. My wife’s testing
      came back 99.9%+ Han Chinese (and she of course reminds me even now how
      we wasted our time and $$$ testing her).

      My wife smells like Chanel No.5 mixed with Shisheido moisturizer. Apparently,
      I am not coding for these scents based on my genotype! ;-P

      • A. Nuran

        The MHC-compatibility research has been repeated in a number of inbred communities. The results are fairly robust and pretty clear: People tend to choose mates whose immune profile differ from theirs. In normal populations this is not difficult. In highly inbred ones – Icelanders, Old Order Mennonites, Ashkenazim and at least one other which escapes me – there is statistically significant sorting based on it.

        We Ashkis are horribly inbred. Look up the list of Ashenazi genetic disorders and their prevalence. Dating which allows you to get a good whiff of the other person is a necessity for us.

        And my wife has never used perfume. Never needed it.

  • http://a a

    heshy you cant promote nt being shomer negiah.

    • Anonymous

      Why not?

  • http://www.starofdavida.blogspot.com Talia bat Pessi

    How is living in Dati-neck geographically undesirable?

  • dave

    totally agree with all this…..

    I was once in a relationship with a girl from L.A. (im from NY). When I went to visit her, it was a week full of “pleasure”.

  • yosef shomron

    Here’s a Jewish solution. Fulfill the mitzva of “yishuv haAretz” ie make aliyah. Israel is so small that one can travel an hour or less and meet their date anywhere in the central part of Israel (Jerusalem and the Gush Dan area) which includes over 80% of Israel’s Jewish population.

    • Yosef

      ‘ rat race and crappy weather of New York’ – I fail to see the difference