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What are the most offensive things in Orthodox Judaism

56 comments

Like any skeptical guy I like to troll all of the off the derech sites to justify missing z’manim and not full submitting my emunah to Judaism. I also like to focus on the negative parts of frum Judaism to justify doing things that are against frumkeit, like buying lotto tickets instead of getting into million dollar raffles for BT yeshivas and drinking cholov stam. Torah Judaism can get pretty offensive at times, especially if you’re a west coast liberal communist like myself. It’s denigration of women, gays, incestual relationships and bestiality are enough to make anyone from the Bay Area cringe. Add our responsibility to kill the children of Amalek and waste perfectly good grain on Pesach when millions are dying of hunger and we have a pretty darned offensive religion. I’m not even going into detail about our master race only marrying our own – thing.

So what do you find offensive about Orthodox Judaism? Here is my list…

The never ending towel

The quick spoilage of cholov yisroel milk

$3 slices of pizza

Kitnyos

4 hechsherim on things that aren’t even edible

Modesty Patrols

Charedi riots

Pedophile cover ups

Off the derech bitching about their loss of youth

Blaming everything on the gays

Liberal bashing

Republican worshiping

Frum Gays

Husband and Wife facebook accounts

Sheitles

The Age Gap Theory

Flaming Baal Teshuvas who insist on giving you mussar

Sushi with cream cheese inside

Mysterious articles about people who succumbed to the “dangers” on the internet without ever mentioning whether it was porn, drugs, prostitution, pedophilia, religious persuasion, gambling, bullying, wife swapping, NSA craigslist, big kiruv or one of the other dangers lurking on the internet.

Liberal Orthodoxy

Shomer Negiah cock teases (thank God I don’t have to worry about this defamation anymore)

Sephardic Rabbis against the removal of uni-brows because of beged isha

Those shuls that refuse to do heicha kedusha, even though it’s already dark outside

Hot Chani’s

 

 

  • Izzy

    Rabbis who have Herring breath all year

  • Shmuli Boteach

    Havdalas that don’t count and must be repeated at home because the rabbi refuses to say Hineh El Yeshuati beforehand due to tircha letzibur

    • Anonymous

      It doesn’t count!? According to who

  • Izzy

    OK…let’s not forget the Rejection of Evolution and Basic Science that estimates the earth’s age at billions of years.

  • A. Nuran

    Calling barely edible food “gourmet”

  • DS

    Racism against gentiles, right out of the Tanya, Kuzari, Maharal, etc.
    Anti-science medievalism
    Unethical conduct towards gentiles
    Cruel treatment of converts
    Writing non-Orthodox Jews out of the Jewish People
    Sexism and Misogyny
    Fellatio in the name of “Bris Milah”
    Purposefully keeping their kids ignorant so they can’t function in the broader society
    Scamming welfare and entitlements
    Cutting corners vis-a-vis the law wherever possible
    Rejecting actual halakha in favor of social norms and conventions
    Not getting marriage licenses so they can scam welfare
    Voting as a bloc, which endears political machines to them, thereby perpetuating injustice and fraudulent activities
    And the list goes on and on

    • http://www.nehedar.com nehedar

      beautiful

    • The 8th Lubavitcher Rebbe

      Well done!

  • me

    This website

  • Grunk

    contrarian views
    no jeans
    constant dress clothing
    yelling and spitting when coming to the climax (of a good vort) [insert other types of climax in parentheses]

    • Michael Makovi

      Is it really dress clothing if it’s wrinkly and untailored?

      • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

        Even my shitty ass dress shoes are still called “shabbos shoes”

  • Matthew

    Nobody’s mentioned racism yet?

  • Anonymous

    The never ending towel – what is that? Tallis? people sharing a towel for after washing before Challah on Shabbos? What?

    The quick spoilage of cholov yisroel milk – yeah, not cool

    $3 slices of pizza – “pizza” – except in Norfolk, VA, delicious cholov yisroel pizza

    Kitnyos – inorite

    4 hechsherim on things that aren’t even edible – lol

    Modesty Patrols – oy vey

    Charedi riots – atrocious

    Pedophile cover ups – also atrocious

    Off the derech bitching about their loss of youth – i can’t blame them. I mean, they didn’t get to go raves and whatever they did instead wasn’t great enough to keep them on the derech.

    Blaming everything on the gays – well, why not?

    Liberal bashing – well, why not?

    Republican worshiping – lol

    Frum Gays – lol

    Husband and Wife facebook accounts – some non-Jews have it also. I don’t approve of it for any faith.

    Sheitles – word.

    The Age Gap Theory – eh?

    Flaming Baal Teshuvas who insist on giving you mussar – we’re mostly talking to ourselves.

    Sushi with cream cheese inside – i ate that at a treif place when i was a kid.

    Mysterious articles about people who succumbed to the “dangers” on the internet without ever mentioning whether it was porn, drugs, prostitution, pedophilia, religious persuasion, gambling, bullying, wife swapping, NSA craigslist, big kiruv or one of the other dangers lurking on the internet. – weird.

    Liberal Orthodoxy – well, why not?

    Shomer Negiah cock teases (thank God I don’t have to worry about this defamation anymore) – amein.

    Sephardic Rabbis against the removal of uni-brows because of beged isha – lol

    Those shuls that refuse to do heicha kedusha, even though it’s already dark outside – wth?

    Hot Chani’s – hey now.

    I’ll touch on an aspect of the master race thing. how about toveling? how do you explain that without being offensive? we don’t let food touch metal or ceramic or glass (and some say plastic) dishes and utensils and cookware that were made by a non-Jew unless we convert the item by immersion in a ritual bath. whoa.

    • Anonymous

      In what universe is the pizza in Norfolk considered delicious?

    • Toinee

      The uncontrollable need to qualify anything anyone says.

  • yankelyoffen

    Hockers

    Lakewood

    Law school

    Hamodia

    Yated

    Guys who call in to Rush Limbaugh and say “all Orthodox Jews support you”

    Chinese Auctions

  • Clay zion

    Really wide brimmed black hats on very skinny short guys.. Looks ridiculous

    Any type of Frum costuming.. ie shtreimels or black hats, snoods or bad sheitels

    Squinting!

    Always mocking a Goy behind his back by speaking in Yinglish

    • wuddup

      Ok, what’s Yinglish? That’s new.

      • michaltastik

        Hybrid of Yiddish and English… think Spanglish for Spanish English but Yiddish instead

  • Izzy

    Black shoes that are rarely shined.

    Either too wimpy or too overweight. No machismo.

  • her

    the “shidduch crises”

  • south bend

    Limp handshakes

  • rachelle turner

    This article is awesome im laughing my face off but just curious why do you hate sheitels??

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      Because the whole concept of hair covering is faulty and sheitles epitomize the faulty loophole on a faulty halacha.

      • A. Nuran

        Hair covering by married women isn’t just a Jewish thing. Mostly it’s with a hat or a head scarf. I don’t know any other group where the women cut off their hair and plop someone else’s on their heads to hide the what they used to have.

      • rachelle turner

        Gotcha but i love my shevy fyi does ur wife wear a sheitel?

        • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

          she has three, but she knows my views.

  • ms

    Never ending towel. Spot on, thats the worst worst thing ever ever, i feel sick just thinking about them………..but I still feel compelled to use them. Why? Maybe because sharing nasting germs and fungus is better than wet hands?
    Where was the worst case you have ever seen?

    • A. Nuran

      Many years ago I saw a neverending towel that had been “rode hard and put away wet”. It was covered with mold.

    • michaltastik

      That’s not a Jewish thing. We had them in the public schools in the 80s and I used to use my pants shirt instead… my teachers told me what I did was unsanitary. Yeah, THAT’s the less sanitary choice, my own germs over Gd knows how many people’s germs from the last 50 years or so… ew….

  • shayne

    raingear that makes us look like martians.

  • http://www.chayakurtz.com Chaya

    Having to work on chol ha moed; listening to other people talk about their glorious chol ha moed plans. How does nobody else like ever have to work during chol ha moed?

    • Anonymous

      I work in a school and no im not a teacher or secretary im an administrator im off chol hamoed

  • http://www.chabad.org PeleYoetzElGiborAviAdSarShalom

    Chabad

  • rob

    Fake crabmeat. I’ve had the real thing, and can testify that pollack + sugar does not equal crabmeat flavor

  • PolilticallyCorrect

    Mevushal wine. Goyim have enough problems making a living when “Jews control the banks”. Can’t we let them make a living pouring by wine that is actually worth drinking?

  • Anonymous

    all the guilt about zera levatala

  • The 8th Lubavitcher Rebbe

    Heshy I want to see you do a piece on welfare fraud in the American frum community

    • Anon

      Heshy wouldn’t want to touch that.

  • Izzy

    An absence of backpackers, mountain bikers, self-reliant outdoor campers, and rock climbers….well that is, with the exception of Heshy and the Mrs.

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      The Mrs. does none of those things

      • Izzy

        Ooops. My bad to make assumptions.

    • michaltastik

      I am a Jewish girl who likes outdoorsy stuff, but I”m a pariah for it and no one would ever want to go with me. In particular, I like canoeing and row boating…

  • Anonymous

    the lamp shade hats that modox women wear to cover there hair

  • Paskuniak

    OTD’s calling us orthodox jews racist. I love black people – i think everyone should own one.

  • Gottheget

    Blabbing about the glorious role of women in Judaism, then making us grovel — and pay big time — for a get.
    And then talking lashon hara about how we wanted a divorce in the first place because we were psychologically unbalanced.

    • michaltastik

      Bitching about women who don’t want to marry sexist men in an environment where we don’t have a voice. Responding to such by calling us monsters and undeserving of any autonomy. Trying to set 30 year old women up with 50 year olds who live with their mother and ganging up on us and trying to bully us into a decision that will cause us to be miserable.

      Treating convert and BT women like they are less of a person and bitching that we won’t let them kick us around when they pissed and moaned and swore up and down that Orthodoxy isn’t sexist, which it is until they fix the agunah problem.

  • alan zoldan

    Sadly, that would have to be . . . more than a few Orthodox Jews.

  • Tuvia

    Strong belief in general is offensive. Where belief starts, thinking stops.

    It is ironic that Jews were persecuted for thousands of years because of beliefs others held about them. What saved Jews life was the Enlightenment, the ideas around Natural Law that led directly to the Bill of Rights in the US Constitution.

    What we realized with the Age of Reason was that superstition, tradition, revelation and prophecy were not reliable ways of knowing the truth. And that all people were created equal under G-d (either literally or metaphorically.)

    Belief can get you anywhere: to being an orthodox rabbi, a Nazi, a Hare Krishna, a member of the KKK.

    Strong beliefs are the craziest part of orthodox Judaism. They can only keep it in place with indoctrination and manipulation. No education or open inquiry permitted. They make sure you cannot rationally evaluate any of their assertions.

    The Torah is obviously true and superior – but it is heretical to test this statement. So all outside information is either suppressed, omitted, or distorted.

    If that doesn’t work, they have inspirational speeches, which are designed to obliterate your doubts about your indoctrination — to emotionally manipulate you, same as the Soviet era communists, the fascists, and other religions.

    Even the goyim know this is not a real education.

    Then there are the “carrots and sticks”: live like we say, and you will have blessings in this life and the next. Live like we say, or you will have a hard time in this life and the next.

    Spiritual fear mongering – and it works because people are afraid and vulnerable to it. It is shameful and weak that rabbis use it.

    Tuvia

    • satire fan

      Agreed

  • Charles

    Waiting 6 hours

  • religionis phony

    Belief in fairy tales.
    Thinking only they have the truth and closed mindedness.
    Self rightousness.
    Ethnocentric.

  • orthodoxjudaismsucks

    brainwashing children
    coercion of teens
    threats of and excommunication
    male genital mutilation
    ridiculous time wasting rituals
    fairytale beliefs

  • Debbie

    The way the kashrus police are ruining our health by taking so many fruits and vegetables off the kosher list because of invisible bugs. At the same time, there are more and more kosher junk foods being offered at every turn.

  • michaltastik

    I don’t know what you are talking about with cream cheese in sushi? In Queens, only one place carries it (and it’s parve) and the philly roll is on the menu at non kosher sushi places, so I don’t understand, unless you’re mentioning it’s absence.

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