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Marriage will change you

Besides for blogging a whole lot less, most folks probably wouldn’t be able to tell how I’ve changed since being married. I still mountain bike almost every day, spend a whole bunch of time in the woods and cook full time to make a living. I also take showers and brush my teeth more frequently thanks to marrying someone who is not the hippie of my fictional dreams. If it were me alone in a 2 bedroom place there would be no furniture and I’d still be sleeping on the floor in my sleeping bag. I would probably never turn on the heat and the only way you’d be able to tell anyone’s living legally in the house would be from the extensive ongoing gardening operation out back.

I didn’t have much trouble adjusting to the whole toilet seat thing, sure I piss all over the floor and hear about pretty often, but at least I don’t leave the toilet seat up. I’ve been told my entire life that the best way to make your wife happy is to wash the dishes, everyone was wrong, in fact if I wash the dishes or do any sort of cleaning I get in trouble. Sharing the housework is a myth, women can get pretty crazy when it comes to cleaning. My idea of cleaning is to shove everything under the bed and take one wet paper towel and run over things with it.

Of course, now that I know how clean my wife likes her dishes, I’ve started to notice how dirty most people leave their dishes and glasses. Don’t worry folks, I don’t care about your smudged wine glasses or plates with slight tomato sauce stains, only my wife does. Thank God she doesn’t drive much, or else I’d have to have a women’s touch in my car. The car remains filled with maps and outdoors gear, I don’t put the rear seats up much.

The other important thing that’s changed about me is my unwillingness to allow my wife the freedom of coffee consumption. It’s a hotly debated topic and every time I hear about a gingerbread latte from Starbucks or anything from Starbucks, I cringe at the loss of precious money that could have been used to keep up my $20 a pound coffee bean thing that one in the food industry in the Bay Area always gets caught up in. Then there is the fact I have to drag my ass out of bed to grind the beans, measure them out and actually make the coffee, but I hate to see her suffering through a coffee nightmare. I’m not sure if it has more to do with me wanting to save her soul or with me not wanting her to spend money on crap.

Yes, I buy flowers on erev shabbos like every other frum man in the country. I even shave on erev shabbos to, we have this deal that my hair can do whatever it wants as long as I shave, right now it’s in streimel mode and on the way to becoming long again, though I doubt I’ll have a pony tail by the time the warm weather comes and my annoyance at the sweaty mop will force the inevitable summer haircut.

I’ve noticed some people change the way they dress when they marry, choosing or being forced to dress better, neater and nicer on shabbos and holiday’s. I’ve been forced into buying shabbos sandals and wearing clothes that are not due to be laundered. Like any former quasi homeless man, I still take clothing out of the hamper and wear things twice as long as most folks would wear them, but I need to sneak it.

I’ve noticed that lots of young married folks start only hanging out with other young married folk and in this way I’m not sure I’ve changed. I don’t really hang out with anyone actually, but I still hang with single peeps and don’t really like the whole “young marrieds” (in large frum communities they call them that) thing.

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{ 6 comments… add one }
  • Tuvia February 25, 2013, 2:47 PM

    You are currently in stage one of the transformation… next stage (#2) will be with kiddo #1. You’ll basically lose more free time.

    Stages are as follows:
    Stage 1: marriage (less money, get sex, helps “clean” you up)
    Stage 2: kid #1 (more work, less money )
    Stage 3: kid #2 (more work, much less money)
    Stage 4: kid #3 (at this point you’ve gone back to sleeping on the floor because of all the kids in the bed… more work, zero money).

    I’m on stage 5 (i.e. 4 kids)… its rough… kinda uncharted territory.

    • Izzy February 26, 2013, 9:04 AM

      Tuvia, you pretty much hit the nail on the head. The greatest gift in the world is the time you spend with your children. It’s as though you’re reborn again and living through things you experienced as a child (that you have long forgoten about) through your own child’s eyes. It revies the soul.

      You’re correct in noting that financial stability is the greatest source of stress once the little ones come into the world. Yet, when their eyes look into yours, the feeling is priceless.

      At some point, you’ll know you’re getting old when the kids ask you for the car keys!

  • Izzy February 26, 2013, 8:56 AM

    You don’t have to take my advice…..but, …….I would skip the flowers and the money you spend on them each Shabbat for ones you can grow yourselves. Alternatively, go to Trader Joe’s and buy Orchids as they bloom for months. Let her spend the money at Starbucks because she enjoys their coffee. Your job is very simple….make her happy. Happy Wife – Happy Life!

  • Toldos Aron February 26, 2013, 9:04 AM

    You get married to make somebody else`s daughter happy.

    • Ari Gold February 26, 2013, 1:19 PM

      It’s all about her right?

  • long time fan March 5, 2013, 3:14 PM

    I buy sushi in place of flowers, gets much more mileage. I’d assume you’ve cut back on your masturbating by atleast close to fifty percent. Let’s hear about that.

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