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Does this auction make my but look big?

By C.M. Fried

Tomorrow, February 18th, 2013, Chinese auctions are about to reach their rock bottom. The Aleph Institute, which I otherwise respect, is auctioning off among their full set of Shas and obligatory esrog case, a lifetime supply of Botox.

Iíll just let that sink in for a bit.

Now I understand this is from Bal Harbour and it might be a whole other game out there, but címon, Iím from L.A. and even we didnít have anything this bold.† I canít bash their exercise bike as vanity because youíre doing it at home away from the hungry eyes of the male goyim, and you wouldnít want even the other females at Lucille Roberts to think that you, a Jew, perspires.† That I get, and there are some women out there that need a little shove to get a new sheitl once in a while, so why not free?

But seriously, how about some babysitting?† That could do plenty to release some of those wrinkles in the brow. †Some help on Fridays, maybe.† Or if youíre going the ďbut itís for my migrainesĒ route, maybe an MRI.

I thought Iíd heard something a while back about how elective procedures werenít very Jewish, that we didnít go risking our health/lives for vanity, that we demanded as modest women to be highly esteemed for something other than our looks. †You know, the ability to raise a dozen children that come out at least as okay as the public school kids down the street, plus the benefit of a finely tuned moral compass (read: mind-boggling amounts of guilt), or the steadfastness to hold it marriages together with faith in Hashem, something like that.† Obviously Iíve been naÔve.

The least they could do is throw in a boob job in the $36 ticket selection.

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{ 4 comments… add one }
  • OfftheDwannaB February 18, 2013, 9:06 AM

    “finely tuned moral compass (read: mind-boggling amounts of guilt)”

  • Holmes February 18, 2013, 3:46 PM

    B-U-T-T, as in buttocks.

  • Dani February 18, 2013, 9:52 PM

    The least they could do is throw in a boob job in the $36 ticket selection.
    best line

  • Izzy February 19, 2013, 1:37 PM

    Some of the Sheitls I’ve seen worn are probably nicer than their very own hair. When it comes to Botox though, I assume the injections are made by women but, what if they are not? Certainly, men can spend good money on a nice hat or on a beautiful Talit all for the purpose of vanity or image. If a woman feels she needs Botox to make her feel more beautiful, that is her choice and I am 100% behind that. Sorry Mrs., but children only cause wrinkles and when they ask you for the car keys, a Botox injection is the only way to hide them.

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