Kelsey Media

Interview with the Blouse Rabbi’s neighbor.

28 comments

I hope you saw this important video by the Blouse Rabbi, Rabbi Eliyahu Fark.  This is the latest edition of the supper-hot orthoporn series of videos are hitting the Internet these days. You think women need to dress like Katy Perry with their chest exposed showing lustful patches of skin in order to attract men? No way! That’s too explicit for our taste. Frum guys are now getting their little bursts of joy watching tznius videos.  Like this one…

We at Frum Satire News wanted to interview the Blouse Rabbi to understand how he came up with these guidelines and what videos are going to be published next. We couldn’t get a hold of the Rabbi himself. But we spoke to his neighbor, Bruce, who told us that the Blouse Rabbi is an incredibly busy man.

“At least 20 women and girls visit him every day. He uses good old fashioned measuring tape to make sure their blouses are fitting property. The Rabbi tests to see if their fabric is too tight. He’ll even use photographer’s back-lighting to check the transparency of their blouses when they are illuminated; with the fans blowing on the shaitels, and studio-generated rainfall pours over their body. He takes pictures of them to show just how tznius they are. He also produced a video of the whole shoot for his tznius subscribers. It’s quite a production. Sometimes he’ll have clients do all night blouse-fitting and testing sessions with him. He’s very dedicated to his craft.”

We asked Bruce to tell us about the women who visit the Blouse Rabbi. He tells us many of the women are not religious and not even Jewish.

Oh, yah, he has lots of women coming to his studio. He does orthoporn with Asian women, Latinos, older women, women on women,  all genres. He does the soft-style artsy kind that he calls Kullahporn and the hard gritty stuff  he calls Chumraporn. He sells to modern orthodox and charedim alike.  Lot’s of people are into orthoporn, it’s like the hottest thing on the internet orthotube sites.  He’s even doing an orthoscopic-orthoporn series, but I think that’s taking it way too far.

Well, we do too. Way too far.

Are you into orthoporn? We are. Share your favorite tznius videos on Heshy’s Facebook wall.

 

Find more Tznius guidelines on 4Torah.com.

  • Toldos Aron

    i”m in line for the panty rebbi…

    • Rae

      hahahahahha! good one.

  • Michael K.

    “He uses good old fashioned measuring tape to make sure their blouses are fitting property. ”

    My hands are perfect D cups. If women need their bras checked for tzinut or shatnez, please call me.

    • Anon

      lol

  • bratschegirl

    “I’m afraid you can’t wear that, Dave…”

    • Alter Cocker

      I don’t understand

      • SciFi

        R’ A.C. Clarke

        • bratschegirl

          Precisely.

          Maybe, though, I should have gone with “Open the lingerie drawers, Hal…”

    • bratschegirl

      Pfffft. Must plead guilty to mangling the quote. Should have read “I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid you can’t wear that.”

      • Alter Cocker

        Maybe I’m being dense, but I don’t understand the reference.

        • bratschegirl

          The movie “2001: A Space Odyssey.” Screenplay by Stanley Kubrick and Arthur C. Clarke, based on a short story of Clarke’s. The quote refers to the statement made by “Hal,” the HAL-9000 computer which controls the operation of Discovery One (spaceship bound for Jupiter) when it feels threatened by the human crew (who are in fact planning to deactivate HAL due to erratic behavior). Returning from a spacewalk, “Dave” says “Open the pod bay doors, Hal,” to which Hal replies “I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

          • Alter Cocker

            thanks

  • Alter Cocker

    I like how they used one of those autogenerators online to read it, because no woman would.

  • Mushka

    I’m a Chabad girl and I will only wear a Yechi bra.

    • Rae

      can i ask you what that is?

      • Telz Angel

        It is a knock-off label of the Hagbah-Bra — where a man grasps both sides, lifts, and separates. Ideally he can keep this up for 18 hours.

        The Yechi-bra is the mishichistic-chabad version, which also lifts the spirits of the believers who seek to grasp the handfuls of salvation while it also separates between two groups of chabbadniks.

        Mrs. Telz Angel prefers the Har Grizim and Har Eival bra, as it’s both naughty and nice.

  • Yonoson

    Why won’t my Android show the video?

  • A. Nuran

    Chumras on chumras with chumras now with extra chumra sauce.

  • Ori

    “The neck is vertical, while the shoulders are horizontal.”

  • AC

    So what is the meaning of the rainbow in the video?

    • Telz Angel

      It’s part of the extended guide. “Any colors that are found in the rainbow should not be found in clothing. Black is the most mehadrin, dark blue is acceptable too.”

  • Port yid

    Wow any excuse to go to second base

  • Science guy

    Colors in the rainbow are Roy g biv.
    Red orange yellow green blue indigo violet.

    Indigo might qualify as dark blue.

    • Telz angel

      Indigo is the color of jeans. Jeans are obviously treif since they are designed to accentuate the rear side curvature. The are also found in the name Indigo Girls, heroes of the womyns power Lilith concerts. Indigo is a treif color.

      In Telz our science books had certain tried words marked out with a sharpie. This included the word indigo. It also included any reference to something being more than 6000 years old. Treif I tell you.

      • A. Nuran

        Of course, they were invented by a yid who gave generously to Jewish charities. Does the prztius outweigh the chesed?

      • http://reason.com/blog Audrey the Liberal

        Blue jeans are TREIF! Do you know who invented them?

  • Rae

    I woudl have done the voice is someone paid me to, but not sure i wouldn’t just say “wow, this is wayyy to overboard”

  • Pesach

    :)