5 reasons why you are still single: The kabbalah infomercial equivalant

I just got this piece of spam in my inbox and it’s totally awesome. I can imagine this being the type of thing that frum television channels would put on late at late when there was no programming. Instead of Chuck Norris and Christie Brinkley, you’d have someone named Baba who’s related to the Baba Sali, looking all kabalistic in their turbans talking about their magical powers. “And if you order this tikkun now in the next 5 minutes, you will receive a package of free amulets and segulos absolutely free” But wait there’s more, “we’ll also throw in a special consultation with your very own kabalist who will read your mind and bless you 1000 times.”

The holy tzaddik Rabbi Yechiel Abuchatzeira, shlita, has revealed the unconditional
SECRET:
If you – or anyone you know – desperately needs a shidduch (to find your soul-mate) – your time is LESS THAN A MONTH AWAY!

There are 5 reasons why good, deserving men and women like you are locked in a prison of loneliness, desperate, as their best years slip away like grains of sand between their fingers.

  • Your Mazel is blocked
  • Ayin Hara (evil eye) was put on you by someone jealous or angry (they are not even aware they did it to you!)
  • You are terrified of “pulling the trigger” on the decision
  • Pressure from family or peers is paralyzing you
  • You are worried that “No one will want you” because of
    your appearance, or your health, or your less-than-perfect
    past

Any one (or more) of the above reasons is enough to keep you from ever getting married and starting a family. Without removing these reasons you simply cannot move ahead – and each and every one of them will be removed this Tu Bishvat, Motzoei Shabbos, January 26th.

On this day, the Adm”or, the Rabbi Abuchatzeira, shlit”a, the illustrious miracle-worker son of holy Baba Chaki, nephew of the holy Baba Sali, may the memory of tzaddikim protect us, will conduct the special Kabalistic rectification “Tikkun 1,000 Shofaros” for the removal of any – or all! – of the five reasons that are blocking the path to happy, complete Jewish life for people like you.

The holy tzadik revealed that, according to Kabbalah, the rare and unique Tikkun 1,000 Shofaros, performed at the gravesite of the saintly Tanna, Rabbi Yonasan ben Uziel, is the complete tikkun for people blocked from getting married. The tikkun, performed with kavanos (Kabbalah meditations and divinations) of the holy Ariz”l and the Rasha”sh, is the total rectification even for people who could not be helped by anything before!

In addition 257 people who participate in the tikkun will also receive FREE a special package of segulos; amulets (kamei’os) and proven Kabbalah remedies for them to find favor in the eyes of others, protect them from present and future Ayin Hara, and open their path to an easy, quick and successful shidduch (match).

The holy tzadik HaGaon HaRav Yechiel Abochateira shlit”a said:

I have no doubt that anyone who will receive...

The Adm”or Abuchatzeira shlit”a will perform the tikkun praying at the gravesite of Rabbi Yonasan ben Uziel along with 1,000 shofar-carrying Jews who will circle the gravesite, blowing the shofar with the kavanos (intentions) of the Rashash. The holy Rabbi Abuchatzeira will bring with him a list of the people registered to participate in the tikkun. He will look at your name and that of your mother, know from it the nature of the exact obstacle that is blocking your mazel, and pray for you personally by name.

Please be aware that just 257 “match sets” were prepared by the Rabbis and Kabbalists of the Yeshiva Yeshuos B’Amuka. In view of the many people clamoring to participate, those packages will be given away FREE to people who register on a first come-first serve basis ONLY. Don’t miss out.

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • http://facebook.com/adamhyman Adam

    Heshy, you forgot a very important part – the incredibly low, low price!!

    These tikkunim are available at the unbelievable low price of $199.95 (incl. shipping and handling). Similar tikkunim cost thousands of dollars!

    • A. Nuran

      Beat me to it!

    • Matthew

      What a great deal

  • Jonathan

    There ya go, picking on those stoopid swarthy sephardim… but you should know that any self-respecting mizrachi would never hit “reply” to a chain e-mail where they can’t even spell ‘Shofarot’ and ‘Kavanot’ correctly.

  • A. Nuran

    Other possibiltities…
    You are innocent of soap, hot water and deodorant
    You are loud, abrasive and self-centered
    You are The Cray Cray

    Sorry, but kabbalistic invocations won’t work on those.

    • http://yeshivaforum.wordpress.com OfftheDwannaB

      “You are innocent of soap, hot water and deodorant”
      hahahaha

    • Alter Cocker

      lmao

  • Velvel

    I have friend who is an older single, a fanatic defender or Rabbi Pinto (the one in the news), and is obsessed with segulas, tikkunim, etc etc. He’d totally buy into an ad like this hook, line, and sinker. Then he’d get angry at me and call me a baal lashon hara for telling him it’s bullshit.

    • Velvel

      I should add that this guy is an Ashkenazi.

  • http://AztecQueen2000.blogspot.com AztecQueen2000

    It’s witchcraft…wicked witchcraft.
    I thought the Torah prohibited magic spells of this nature. It definitely prohibits behaving like a charlatan.

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      Unless your name is baba and you wear a turban.

  • http://challahmaidel.wordpress.com/ Challah Maidel

    There are 5 reasons why people are still single and Kabalah has nothing to do with it!

    1) You have unrealistic expectations.
    2) You got used to being single and actually enjoy bachelorhood so long as you have your friends.
    3) You are not shidduch material because you lack money,looks, and yichus.
    4) Parental interference from both sides.
    5) You are too old (over 21 if you are a girl or over 25 if you are a guy)

    • http://www.lazykosher.blogspot.com Nechama

      Aw, I was all set until I got to the last item on your list– I’m 31. Can I just stick with saying tehillim, or do I need to set aside some money for an economy-sized pack of segulos now? ;)

      • A. Nuran

        You could marry someone outside The Community.

        • Cream Cheese Sushi

          Or you could not get married, its over-rated. When you are single you want to be married and when you are married you envy the freedom and excitement of single life.

    • http://woodrowconservadox.wordpress.com Woodrow/Conservadox

      I’m 2 for 5 (maybe 3, I’m not sure about #2!)

  • nachrock

    wow – I thought this was satire. Then I got the email. The most shocking part – IT IS FROM AISH HATORAH PROMOTIONS

    • http://yeshivaforum.wordpress.com OfftheDwannaB

      ah yes, that bastion of righteousness

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      Actually Aish Hatorah probably sold them their email list, mine was from ma nishmah (no idea who that is, but I get thousands of spam every day)

      • nachrock

        Correct – it had a disclaimer at the bottom that this advert is helping fund programming yadda yadda yadda… but still

  • Cliff

    I actually recently got a call basically identical to this – and by “recently,” I mean today. And yesterday. And I’m still in high school. And Reform. And understand about five words of Hebrew (one for each reason I might not be married?) You get the point.

    • Sarah

      That’s hilarious. XD

      Just wondering, though… how’d you find this site? I guess you don’t fit the typical “profile.”

  • Port yid

    You have unusual hobbies…

  • Nesya

    That’s so funny, I just saw this printed as a leaflet at shul over Shabbat. I only managed to get through the 5 reasons before rolling my eyes in disgust and leaving it somewhere, now I wish I’d read the whole thing!

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  • Wrinkled Suit, Giant Black Hat

    I always find Kabbalistic explainations to be the last resort for a rav who doesn’t know why something makes no sense. Its like the get out of jail free card on logic.

  • Yehuda

    Congregations are frequently exhorted to pray for something or someone. The idea apparently being that if entire groups of people pray for something, then the being being prayed to is more likely to perform miracles.
    Exactly why they believe this is not clear. Possibilities include:
    They believe their supreme being is a little deaf.
    They believe that as the being has to listen to all the prayers it simply gets bored and performs a miracle to shut the believers up.
    They believe that if more people demonstrate faith then their god will be more impressed than if only one person demonstrates it.
    They believe that a certain number of “prayer hours” are necessary for each miracle and consequently collective action gets things done more quickly.
    They believe that prayer is like a lottery, one gets picked out of the hat each day so the more entries you have the more likely thy will be done.
    It is a classic example of magical thought, and they think the more people who perform the prayer, the more power it has. This implies that they don’t really believe in an omniscient deity at all.

    • Titanium

      They believe the being appreciates it when his creations work harmoniously together. (although that does get you into the question of how that “appreciation” works.)

  • Titanium

    My ex-girlfriend (from more than a year ago) just got engaged to a friend of mine. If Ayin Hara really has supernatural effects, there is no way these two are making it to their wedding.

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