Kelsey Media

It must suck to be a Cohen who’s divorced with kids

56 comments

In my campaign to bring goodness to the world I’ve agreed to post any shidduch resume that gets sent to me, the following is from a divorcee with children who happens to be a Cohen. Being a Cohen has it’s pluses, you have a perfectly good excuse to ask the shadchan about the girls and you’ll get a lot of free barbeque in a few thousand years from now. The downside is that you have to lead benching quite a bit, get that darned first aliyah and may have a pretty tough time finding a girl over the age of 30 who isn’t considered slut halachically. Now enter into this picture the halachically sanctioned double standard of the divorced cohen, that guy who has the gall not to marry divorcee’s or zona’s.

Now if I were a divorced cohen, I would have the kickest ass shidduch resume there is, which is why I’m quite bothered by the shidduch resume that follows. It is incomplete according to my wife, but my quick judgements brought me to believe that this fellow was just one boring ass guy. Based on who our mutual friends are on Facebook, I have to be dan l’kaf z’chus and assume that this fellow is super awesome and just doesn’t have anyone to show him the art of shidduch resume writing. For instance he doesn’t write anything about his interests or what he wants in a mate, there is basically more information on who to contact than about who to set him up with, basically it’s the most boring lame shidduch resume one can come up with. Sounds like the scourge of the yeshivish dating process coming to bat.He is a good looking dude (if I saw him on my jaunts to grindr, I’d pick him up) and his kids are cute.

Moshe Morrison – 09/15/83 I am a Cohen
Previously Married 2 Children- Son 6 Daughter 4
Father-Rabbi Yerachmiel Morrison(Director, Ingredients Approval Registry at the Orthodox Union)
Mother- Chaya Yona Morrison
Siblings- Rachel Simchi(Married Eyal Simchi- pedodontist. They have four kids)

Yehuda Morrison (Married Bayla Hassan- Esthetician/Beautician. They have 3 kids)
Shoshana Katz (Married Ruvein Katz- Oorah. They have 3 kids)
Aryeh Morrison- Single, Bais Medrash 4th year.
Physical Features:
Height: 6’1
Weight: 195
Hair Color: Light Brown
Eye Color: Green
I am a Non-Smoker
Education: Some College, High School: Y.R.S.R.H, Elementary School: Y.S.V
Shul’s: Bais Yosef, Bostener, Blueberry, Chabad
Work: Director, Kosher Foods-Fairway Markets.
I am Modern Orthodox with Ashkenazi background. I’m shy, sensitive and caring. I enjoy the outdoors and playing sports. I am looking for a girl who enjoys life, is outgoing, motivated and who will help me grow as a person and build a strong relationship.
Many more references available upon request.
Rabbi Yitzchok Dahan Cell: 914-924-5678 Phone: 845-426-3583
Yehuda Clark Cell: 845-553-4229
Abe Romer: 646-610-1065
Malky Weingarten- 732-730-0786

  • Anon

    “If I saw him on my jaunts to grindr”…..Hahahah so many people arn’t going to get this an look up grindr…

  • Abbey

    I randomly met this guy out Saturday night. I was at a birthday party, he was having a “3rd anniversary of his divorce” party. And he wasn’t that friendly. Just saying.

    • Dan

      Abbey: You are not a nice person. I sure hope I never have the misfortune of meeting you.

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      Abbey you suck some serious dirty butthole.

    • Anonymous

      well havent been divorced for 3 years yet… but constructive criticism is always helpful. o ye and maybe i just had a little too much on my mind?!

      • Anonymous

        and thanks for the back up guys takes only one gal to break a guy down and make him run crying

      • Abbey

        Wow, sorry. Didn’t mean to be mean. Most people think I’m pretty nice actually. I was just pointing out that I was actually being super friendly to Moshe when I met him because I thought he was cute and he totally burned me. But maybe he didn’t even realize that I was chatting him up. It happens. Sorry kid.

        • moshe morrison

          sorry to hear this there was a lot going on and i just didn’t realize. Still dont know who you are. You can always message me on facebook to chat…

    • Anonymous

      Does anyone else think you area bitche? “Just saying”

      • Anonymous

        lol nice!

  • Interested

    Maybe because I am the one non-frum (but getting stronger) girl reading this blog, but this guy sounds not so bad. Or maybe just looks really cute in his pic. Either way, would like to know more…

    • Anonymous

      well if you’re cohen eligible message me:)

      • interested

        How does one message Anonymous?

        • Dan

          On facebook. He posted his real name above.

        • moshe morrison

          message me on facebook moshe morrison

    • nachrock

      pretty sure there are tons of non-frum reading this blog

  • aw, do we need to diss?

    This guy has the guts to send in his resume because he would like to meet someone special.. must we break this dude down?

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      Actually I told him that just posting a resume doesn’t get any attention, so he agreed to let me have my way with it. I figured if he can’t get a date, at least he may get some poon.

      • moshe morrison

        i prefer to say it took guts rather than you snaking me into this….

  • tziporah

    he can marry a girl older then him too…ask him if he is open to it…ill keep him in mind…

    • Anonymous

      sure message me on face book if anything comes up, thanks

  • me

    I met Moshe at a singles event a friend and I ran about a year ago. hes a great guy! i would definitely set him up in a heartbeat if I knew an eligible girl.

  • Another Kohen

    You got one thing wrong about the the first aliyah, Being a Kohen means that you only have to listen out for your name by the firs aliyah, If you didnt get called by the first aliya, your off scot free. although there always the occasional maftir.

  • zeek

    Ur a fuvkin idiot!!

  • Anonymous

    I love your blog, but you MUST have someone proofread before you post.

  • Anonymous

    It’s “Shuls” no apostrophe. Grammatical errors in shidduch resumes are such a turn-off! Points for having a very cool job though.

    • moshe morrison

      good thing i have the excuse that i didn’t write this but than again i would not have caught that if i had proof read it. thanks for the props on the job.

      • anonymous III

        it’s “but THEN again” and not “but than again” …and bekarov etselcha!

  • portuguese Yid

    reminds me of a quote “examine the contents not the bottle” – talmud quote . He looks cute and humble not all full of himself. All around nice guy! He is gonna bomb!

  • SG

    There are 3 kids on the facebook page?

    For MO, TMI for the family backround.

    • moshe morrison

      1 is my niece, better looking ones are mine. I didn’t write this, as I’ve never had to shidduch date and i’d never seen a shidduch profile before i had a friend write one up for me. With all this great constructive criticism im getting i think i just may have to make a new one.

      • SG

        Ok, I see. You might also want add relationship to people you put down as references. Good luck!

  • CoCo Han

    Cohen friendly is an interesting term of phrase. A Zonah for Cohen marriage purposes is any woman who has “been” with a man she cannot marry i.e. a non Jew. Halachically, therefore, a girl who has been with 200 men can marry a Cohen provided all 200 of them were Jewish. Conversely, a girl who has been with one guy once who wasn’t Jewish is forbidden to this man, even if the one time was by force. A harsh rule. But then there is the gray area, what about “don’t ask, don’t tell”? If a woman has been with a non-Jew but there were no Kosher witnesses, no other evidence of such an act, who is to stop her from claiming she’s Cohen eligible and marrying this guy?

    • SG

      She might feel guilty (if she is normal) that she is hiding this from her husband.

    • Nachman weiss

      If a woman slept with a NOn Jew she can marry a Kohane if she keeps quiet about it – Per R” Moshe
      Don’t ask Don’t tell applies – but if she lives with a Non Jew then it become public knowledge and she is out of luck
      That is my understandin

  • DannyBoy

    Heshy what are you doing on Grindr? ;)

  • http://orthofeminist.wordpress.com OrthoFeminist

    So, he’s still looking for someone Kohen eligible, but doesn’t care if the girl isn’t frum. He’s divorced, but since he wants Kohen eligible, is refusing to date a divorced woman…or one that’s slept with a non-Jew. Sounds like he’s playing in to some major double standards to me.

    • moshe morrison

      I wouldn’t date someone who is not frum!

      • http://orthofeminist.wordpress.com OrthoFeminist

        I say that based upon your conversation with “Interested” above.

        • moshe morrison

          dont assume, i never stated “lets date”. I would only date someone who is fully religious shomer shabbos and kashruth.

        • Klonimous

          “one non-frum (but getting stronger)” that would not be a classical non-frum girl. It seems like she’s interested in a frummer lifestyle.

  • Anonymous

    Can someone clarify exactly what “action” with a non-jew makes a woman not Kohen eligible? Is it only actual penetration or any other “activities”?

    • Anonymous

      from what i’ve learned its penetration

      • moshe morrison

        the conversations that “anonymous”…. can have gotta love it

  • Michael McG

    He’s not a Kohen; he’s a Morrison. ;)

  • Holmes

    “Director, Kosher Foods-Fairway Markets.”

    This is almost like “Director of Vegan Affairs” for Peter Luger. :D

  • Sarah

    There’s a shul called Blueberry??

  • GG

    Where is Blueberry located? I might want to go there.

    • Anonymous

      Ohaiv Yisroel /Blueberry Hill Congregation

      5 Fox Lane
      Spring Valley, NY, US

  • UltraConservaive

    Heshy, there is too much of his personal information posted here.
    You need to remove at least his full birthday and mother’s middle name.

  • Roch

    You should clarify on your profile that you have your civil and get.

    • moshe morrison

      thanks, got both 2 years ago

  • anonymous

    How does he treat his ex? Big question to ask a divorcee . Is he amicable or an asshole towards her?

    • moshe morrison

      u should ask the ex that one

  • qwerty

    seriously, i kno this dude, and his family…major issues!!!!

  • Alter Cocker

    ITT I learn that Heshy visits gay dating sites.

  • Pingback: Trackback()

  • Pingback: Trackback()

  • Pingback: Trackback()

  • Pingback: Trackback()