Kelsey Media

Saw You On Frum Satire

59 comments

Every once in a while I get back into shidduchim, I thought of a great idea to set up two people the other day and I went through the motions. This involved pictures, details into their lives an all that stuff that people could have just gotten out of the way by going out for drinks for a half hour. I’m not sure why people can’t simply get off their butts and have an hour date instead of doing all this research, but that is how these people were. The guy said yes, the girl said yes and then the guy basically said that he wasn’t interested. I was mad of course and I’m still kind of mad, because it really doesn’t take much to go out on a date, we’re all adults here right?

Sure, I’m guilty of such things, if my wife wouldn’t have asked me out nothing would ever have happened between us, but whenever a friend of mine had an idea I took them up on the offer. In fact, I was of the opinion that if someone was willing to trust me with any girl for any period of time, it must be bashert. Through my limited experience on the shadchan end of things, I’ve noticed that girls are way easier to set up and generally less finicky than guys. Guys look at the girls facebook page and they think they know everything, girls ask questions that actually make sense and then the guys usually say “eh, not for me”.

I have heard that shidduch dating is emotionally and physically draining, I guess for me this was never the case because I always took girls hiking on dates. People get to into impressing each other that they don’t end up being themselves and the whole “best foot forward” thing becomes a game of lying.

Anyway, I’m kind of thinking that I should try to utilize this here blog as a shidduch site again.I get the itch to post shidduch profiles every now and then, I know that there’s a whole frum satire underground of people who regularly date, meet, hookup and form friendship with people they met on the blog or through commenting on my facebook stuff. Still, I kind of wish some of you could send me your bio’s, dating profiles, shidduch resumes and whatever else it is that could do some out of the box dating site marketing for you free of charge. If you’re willing to put yourself on frumster or saw you at sinai, why not on frum satire.

I would love to have a site called Saw You On Frum Satire, but until then, I have this blog and it makes me feel special knowing I can utilize it in anyway to help some of you folks find that special someone. I will not turn any shidduch profile away, though I do encourage you to make it entertaining.

 

  • Puzzled

    Freethinking Jew, non-practicing Reconstructionist, seeks same (m seeking f.) 30, 5’2, 210. Enjoys Crossfit, philosophy, and economics. Teacher, writer, columnist, and campaign professional – ran for state Comptroller in 2010 and directed CT effort for a Presidential campaign in 2012. Prefers secular, non-practicing, or Reconstructionist, will consider Reform/Conservative/Modern Orthodox.

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      Good to leave it here, but you can always email me and I’ll make it it’s own darned post.

      • Dan

        Yes, but on the post make it that he only wants MO.

    • Shanamaidel

      If I weren’t taken, I would date you

      • gefiltefishgirl

        sounds nice… but I am too frum :(

        • Anonymous

          are you upset youre to frum we jews should be happy being frum.

    • spidey

      “5’2, 210. Enjoys Crossfit”

      wut

      do you even lift?

      • spidey

        5’2, 210
        5’2, 210
        5’2, 210
        5’2, 210
        5’2, 210

        Enjoys Crossfit

  • Michael Makovi

    “I’ve noticed that girls are way easier to set up and generally less finicky than guys”

    Where are these girls? My shadkhanit says all the girls she tries to set me up with, reject me because I’m “too religious”. And the girls she is trying to set me up with are all Orthodox. So what, am I supposed to eat a pork chop or something?

    • Michael Makovi

      Michaltastik speculates that “too religious” is a euphemism for “eww, gross, he’s a BT/ger”. I have no idea whether that’s true.

      • AlmightyMexijew

        Yep… I concur on that.

        • Michael Makovi

          Sigh, so why don’t they just say so?

          • Dan

            As a guy, I first make up my mind if I will date someone, and then say whatever I think will most easily get the shadchan off my back if I don’t want to date. If saying “I was born of a siberian tiger” would work, I’d say that. If “she’s too frum” works, I’ll say that.

      • gefiltefishgirl

        hmm… well I’m a giyores, too and I can’t say I do not get any decent dates. Hey, I even get to date FFB guys. (woot!!!!!!!!!!!!) And certainly not always the 80y old thrice divorced with 25 kids at home with smallpox and the plague. And I am not even in NYC or Yerushalayim right now. Girls MAY have it easier if they are good looking (halfway decent), guys love eye-candy (any ok looking girl), even the frum ones. :)
        My guess it that your shadchanis does not market you well enough or is constantly trying to set you up with the wrong people or what SHE thinks is right for you. This may not necessarily be the right type of girl.
        I think you should change the shadchen, really.
        There are many girls out there that do not give a dime if you are FFB, BT, ger as long as you are jewish and reasonably observant. So, obviously, the problem must lie somewhere in the system.

        hatzlacha, the gefiltefishgirl

        • gefiltefishgirl

          Ah, I think its also more difficult for an out-of-the-box-thinker to find a girl that is similar. Thats the curse if you have a kup…

        • Michael Makovi

          “I think you should change the shadchen, really.”

          Well, she’s the only shadkhan who ever sent anyone to me at all. Every other shadkhan just said to me nope, sorry, no one for you, goodbye. I am not exaggerating.

          • gefiltefishgirl

            Oy, that is bad! I mean it sheds a really bad light on shadchanim in general. They hardly know you but have a set image in mind what they think may work for you. I was told not to date guys from other countries (I’m in Europe). Yet me the “rebel” – I have been dating 80% American guys so far, the rest being English and Russian. If I’d stick to the shadchen’s rules I would be limited to a very, very small “pool” of people.

            • Anonymous

              … especially if you want to meet someone frum but “with it”! I’d definitely go on sawyouonfrumsatire once it is launched! :) May be a niche market!

    • rob

      Less finicky = more desperate. It’s called the Biological Clock.

      • Michael K.

        It’s not biological, it’s psychological: It’s peer pressure, parents pressure, and general anxiety.

  • http://thelifeandtimesofawanderingjew.blogspot.com.au/ Keli Leeba

    I’d do it. I take it that you want people to email you? Or do you want a short bio and pic on here?

    • Dan

      Forget the bio, a picture speaks a thousand words.

      • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

        Yes, I should just start posting pictures of potential shidduchim and people could really get down to business. In reality that’s all that matters, guys immediately ask to see it and girls make nice and then ask – but all anyone cares about is looks in the end. I’m sure the girl isn’t too frum once she’s hot as hell, then it’s “I’ll take a chance”

        • Michael Makovi

          “I’m sure the girl isn’t too frum once she’s hot as hell, then it’s ‘I’ll take a chance'”

          LOL, not necessarily. On Luke Ford’s Facebook page, Luke said something about a friend who met a girl on Frumster and flew out to NYC to meet her, only for her to tell him after the first date, to bring his tefillin to the second.

          I responded that if the cost did not exceed the benefit, I would sue her for fraud, but that in any case, I would report her to Frumster for fraud. Luke assured me that I was the only one who thought like this.

        • Michael Makovi

          Incidentally, the phrase “I’ll take a chance” has me now singing in my head “Then He Kissed Me” by the Crystals. :P Hell, this is why God invented YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cE_jOD2Fxvs.

          • http://eyekanspel.blogspot.com eyekanspel

            Actually, Chad Hurley, Steve Chen, and Jawed Karim invented YouTube.

      • hot girl

        i’m with you on that, Dan! all girls sound the same on paper anyway.

  • moshe

    bunch of bs more of whats wrong with people clinging to the past

  • Ex bochur

    girls ask questions that actually make sense and then the guys usually say “eh, not for me”.

    That’s simply because the girl is usually looking for “the feeling” and she can’t know about that til she meets the guy.

    After the first date, the situation is generally the reverse. The guy will be interested if she has looks and general compatibility, and the girl will be interested or not based on inscrutables that she can’t explain (though it often boils down to his social status and masculinity).

  • Anonymous

    U r going to get way more girls bio’s then guys

  • Michael K.

    I promise not to ask any girls about their dress size, vericose veins, family mental illnesses, what color tablecloths they use on shabbos, bra size, shoe size, credit score, what they had for breakfast that morning or if they’ve ever put on tefillin at the kotel.

    • Dan

      I won’t ask shoe size.

    • http://orthofeminist.blogspot.com OrthoFeminist

      I wouldn’t take the tfillin at the kotel question off the table, but a “yes” or “I wish” answer would impress me a lot more than a “no way” answer.

      • Michael K.

        “I wish” wouldn’t impress me, because my follow-up question would be “what’s stopping you?”, and then I think it would deteriorate from there…

    • UltraConservative

      You should definitely ask about a familial history of mental illness. And if what they had for breakfast included crazy pills.

  • Tuvia

    I notice that your are running your blog on WordPress… just go install a Vanilla Forum on your blog and start a Shidduch forum…

    http://wordpress.org/extend/plugins/vanilla-forums/

    Its really easy. That or install Vanilla Forums in a sub folder.

  • Alter Cocker

    What shidduch originated from arguing in the comments?

  • PJ

    I once saw this in a Jewish mag. “I’m this and this and this ALTS (always lowers toilet seat) looking for this and this……

  • Tanta Shprintza

    See kooloytoyra, Dec 27, 2012

    • Alter Cocker

      say what?

  • Micah T

    This could be a great idea Heshy! A dating site for your loyal fans. Just be aware that we aren’t all, strictly speaking, frum. Many of us are OTD, post-denominational, extreme right wing Reform, Conservadox, or extreme left wing Orthodox. This could even be a money maker, if you keep it cool and maximally inclusive.

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      This isn’t just for frum, I would love to have all you peeps, I’ll even make gay shidduchim.

    • Ex bochur

      Many of us are OTD, post-denominational, extreme right wing Reform, Conservadox, or extreme left wing Orthodox.

      There are also right-wing extremists who come here to do kiruv.

      • Dan

        Don’t forget the right wing extremists who come here to troll. Or because of various cognitive dissonances.

  • http://challahmaidel.wordpress.com/ Challah Maidel

    Setting up older single women can be just as much as a pain in the ass. Take it from someone who tried to a couple of times. After the guy expressed his interest in meeting the girl, the girl decides to flake out. These girls I know have high power careers but decide that they would like to quit when they get married. The frummie single girls who gave of their dreams and hopes of marrying a full time learner decide that they want a frummie who is a career hot shot so they can live the luxurious life of a pampered trophy wife. First of all, I am not sure if a frummie career hot shot exists. Secondly, it would behoove high maintenance girls to consider MO guys as most of them have college degrees and jobs that can afford to meet their wives expensive tastes. Last but not least, the career hot shot women should consider guys who are learning of have menial jobs. That way they balance each other out. These solutions would be viable if people didn’t have unrealistic expectations. A lot of older singles are immature and some of them can’t seem to separate from whats important to what they want.

    • Dan

      That’s interesting, and makes sense. The girls were previously willing to be poor because they would be in learning. But who wants to be poor AND not in learning.

      Well, I’m a frummie career hotshot, and I’ll look at all your pictures.

      • anonymous hot girl

        if you ever want to see mine, Dan, you better have a decent one of yourself!

        • Dan

          No deal. I trade your pic for 401k pic.

          • anonymous hot girl

            hmm….sounds fair enough.

  • yoel

    Hi everyone ! Guess what , I’m the guy Heshy is referring to !- “The guy said yes, the girl said yes and then the guy basically said that he wasn’t interested” . Cool right ?!

    Oh , Hi Heshy.

    Well, I’m here to make 3 points, and through these points perhaps shed some light on the general dating landscape/ shiduch’ process.
    1) That’s not what happened
    2) Background checks have their place and shouldn’t be dismissed
    3) Dating is not as easy as getting drinks for a half hour
    4) Pictures. Good or bad ?

    (For the record, I’m good friends with Heshy so we could dig on each other here and there.)
    -I will first submit that I might have been unclear in my disinterest in the proposal. However, I never said “yes I would like to meet her”, or anything like that. It was you Heshy dear, in your impetuous zeal to make things happen, whether or not this comes from your general impulsivity or a genuine interest in setting people up doesn’t matter. (I’d like to think a bit of both.) I think I said either no or I need to think about it and perhaps we discussed another girl whom I was interested in meeting and you got confused.
    This might be insightful into the general “setting up” conversations between matchmakers and their victims. Sorry for the slight. Not to imply negativity toward matchmakers but please remember it is a two way street. They should both try to accommodate each other. Hence the persons being set up shouldn’t give the matchmakers a hard time BUT the matchmakers should also not try to force the match either. More so, I think it would be appropriate for them to give some time to the persons they’re setting up to briefly explain their thoughts on the proposal. Basically, if you’re trying to help, then help! Don’t call yourself a helper by foisting your shiduch’ agenda on someone else because it makes you feel better or because one side is interested. Heshy, this isn’t all directed at you, just a general gripe from someone in the field.

    – I’m personally not one for intense, FBI-like background/history checks, let alone ridiculous inquiries about the types of cars the parents drive or the details of the professional lives of the siblings. HOWEVER, two things need to be explained. Firstly, much much can be said about the importance of coming from a good family/background. NOT to say that those who don’t are bad, but the upshot is that when looking for a long term mate, the amount you can know in the dating period is almost paltry and insignificant with respect to who the person really is, how they react to different things, their views on life, what kinds of parents/spouses they are, and how they behave when living with another person constantly. This is something almost every married person will tell you. Hence if you want a somewhat reliable glimpse as to what the nature of the person is, you may look to family as a possible and often likely predictor. This is something btw that is clear in Jewish history and writings. (See Horeb section 5, chap. 80, section 528). So there is a place for asking a lot about family/background.
    The next reason I hope all you shadchanim’ out there read ! Almost in contradistinction to the previous point, there are a lot of questions a potential dater might want to ask BEFORE the date. These questions have to do with personality. Obviously, 2 random strangers placed together doesn’t necessarily make for good times. As a veteran dater myself, I mainly want to know if there is substantial reason us two should meet. Is there COMPATIBILITY ! I know that of course this is often difficult if not impossible to predict and “I know so many couples that have hit it off and no one saw it coming“ (loose quote from almost every person that has set me up) bla bla bla bla bla bla. BUT, a bit of human intuition and consideration of the potential compatibility is highly in order. And if the matchmakers are too psychologically obtuse (which is ironically way too often the case) to have a good sense of this, then at least let the dater ask them and try to get a feeling if this a worthy investment, because if it’s not then the number of bad dates pile up and you can go mad. SO, we daters, or at least me, do not want to hear about family and what the siblings do and which particular schools he/she went to and how many wonderful things she/he did and how awesome he/she is at his/her job and which shul he/she goes to. (basically everything it says on a “shiduch resume’”). And don’t even get me started about the generic, homogenous, cliché drivel collection of adjectives that are supposed to describe the person and what they want. What I want to know is if she is personality x , y , or z so that I can know, as much as possible if we should indeed meet. I am a unique personality and , like I mentioned, if I go out with anyone at any time “for drinks” , I will end up drinking myself into a gutter.

    -What’s with the popular notion non-dating people have of “just go out for coffe, what’s the big deal, You don’t have an hour in your busy schedule ?!!?” The only reason this thinking doesn’t completely drive me off a cliff is because there is an element of truth to it. And that is, IF the girl is the super cool/chilled-out kind that meeting a guy casually is really no big deal and she could walk away from the experience with nary any attachments, then maybe it could work. HOWEVER, the reality is that it usually is a big deal for the girl and very often for the guy as well. She wants to take this seriously, and rightfully so; this could be a potential suitor. Hence she will typically make herself look nice for this oh-so-casual rendezvous, which is not a small thing and can involve significant time and preparation. True, the guy doesn’t have to apply cosmetics BUT he has to drive an hour or two in traffic, or take a train, each way, making it easily a five hour ordeal. Then, quite possibly the girl will like him, but if by chance he does not feel the same way then he will have the unpleasant burden of telling her in the least offensive, diplomatic, but basically bullshity way that he doesn’t want to see her anymore. Alternatively, he’ll think, and appropriately so, that how much can he know about a person from such a brief encounter so he’ll give it another shot and then maybe a few more. At this point, IF he still feels the same way, the aforementioned burden has only multiplied.
    So, goin out for drinks is not nearly as simple as people make it out to be. There is much time, energy, money, and mainly emotions that get involved and make things quite hairy. Look, dating is a necessity but it’s not always easy and that’s just the reality of it, even if it’s “just meeting for coffee”. And it behooves the people doing the fixing up to bear this in mind and not play with other peoples’ lives like chess pieces. Needless to say, matchmakers are being benevolent(we hope) and God bless them, but certainly serious consideration is often in order.

    -Ahhh, pictures pictures. That oh-so-sensitive topic. Everyone wants em, everyone hates em. Here’s my bottom line about that. At the end of the day you need to be somewhat pleased with your mate’s appearance. Obviously there are people who are too picky, just like anything else, and they likely will end up shooting themselves in the foot because of their pickiness. Additionally there is much to be said for the concept which is documented in psychology that when one’s personality grows on someone else, their looks do as well. HOWEVER, after personally having many many dates that, suffice it to say, weren’t physically appealing, I ask for pictures. Now, and this is the crux of it, I don’t examine the pictures with a microscope and amplify any tiny flaw and rule it out (or in contemporary terms- see if she’s hot), but I just look to see if it’s something I can be ok with and particularly something I can learn to like. God knows it’s happened before. So I think pictures have their place also, just with smart discretion.

    I’m done my rant. Thanks for letting me share. Would love comments and criticisms.
    peace

    • http://eyekanspel.blogspot.com eyekanspel

      I would date you. I think our personalities might click. But, alas, I am a heterosexual male. Nice rant :)

    • dude

      you so need to get laid

  • yoel

    oh how could I forget this ! This is an invaluable clip. Very clever dialogue. It really portrays the picture I was trying to express. Should be a must-see for all matchmakers. Heshy spread it !

    • Elissa

      That video is perfect! HA!

  • Jojo23

    Hey, do you know of any shomer shabbat or ‘conservadox’ guys in DC or gals in Pittsburgh?

    • Dan

      Why, are you gay in DC and straight in pittsburgh? (or the opposite)

      • Alter Cocker

        lmao,that’s what it sounds like

  • anonymous marriedwoman

    I love the comments above about needing to know so much about the potential match’s family. Why does everyone assume that their future spouse will be a carbon copy of their parents? Many people end up the exact opposite of their parents after they have some time off on their own.

    I know if I’d judged my spouse by his parents and their relationships, I likely never would have married him. Likewise, I’m a lot different than my own family as well. We dated each other, not each other’s families and chose to marry each other, not his crazy aunt or my annoying cousin. It’s worked for us for years.

  • http://rokhl.blogspot.com rokhl

    Heshy,
    I’m not here to hint that you should try to set me up (kh’v’sh). I simply need to express my surprise at the neologism of ‘shadkhanit’ or its faux Ashkenaz cousin ‘shadkhanis’. The word ‘shadkhn’ (matchmaker) comes to us through Yiddish and in Yiddish there already exists a perfectly good feminine form of shadkhn: shadkhente. No need to put ‘shadkhn’ through the Modern Hebrew grinder and then stuff it back in, if you will.

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