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What I expect in 2013

http://www.flickr.com/photos/natura_pagana/4346134064/After writing my why it sucked to be frum in 2012, I felt bad.  What if 2013 could be better for the frum wold? What would happen to us? Here are things I expect to happen in the frum world in 2013.  It would make me much happier:

  1. In January, Charedi and Chardal leadership join the OU, RCA, Agudas Yisrael, SHAS, Degel Hatorah, and Badatz and issue a join statement followed by a binding agreement that deals with the Agunah problem for good. Any man who uses religion to harm his wife will have religion used against him until he stops, and if that doesn’t work, financial and legal sanctions will follow. SHAS insists to add a clause reminding husbands not to beat their wives.
  2. In February, all shuls remind people that shalach manos are supposed to bring people together, so this wacky business about selecting all names on some reciprocity list to authorize anonymous group bags of trader joe’s products that are packed by shul volunteers, delivered by the shul, and are a fundraiser for the shul will be replaced with the good old-fashioned business of people actually sharing their food with others, and the others not getting obsessed about predicting kashrus standards based on how long it takes for someone to say shmone esreh. They will also be reminded that it’s a good idea to be friendly in shul and say hi to people they don’t know.
  3. In March, a new takana is issued that tells frum people to stop caring about whether people are gay or not.  It’s just not their business.  In a related takana, we no longer have to worry about kitniyos. It was never chametz anyways. Pesach is approaching and Jews are actually looking forward to it.
  4. In April, charedim in Israel decide collectively to give back to society. They clean up the garbage in their neighborhoods, sign up for civic service and army duty, and in a stretch move they even plant trees and decorative plants in religious neighborhoods to make the place look nice. They commit to paying taxes and they agree to stop gouging the Israeli public by enacting silly rules designed to make them money for no good religious reason — like insisting on mezuzos on elevators in public buildings just to get a financial kickback.
  5. In May, someone does not suggest that getting married at a ridiculously young age is the only solution to the sidduch crisis.
  6. In June, there is a convention where rabbis get together to see how they can start to understand others, instead of just trying to get people to understand them.
  7. In July, Jews of New York head to the Catskills and don’t make a chillul hashem there. Also, Grossinger’s reopens with a new shvitz house. Amachaya!
  8. In August, the Breslovers put up solar panels on Reb Nachman’s grave and use it to power a wifi hotspot.  The password is “Na Nach Nachma Nachaman meUman”
  9. In September, the OU declares a truce on their war on parve and restore parve status to the thousands of items they label dairy which are in fact parve.
  10. In October, Moshiach comes, and decides to stay this time instead of leaving out of disgust. He brings peace to the Middle East and attempts to bring peace to the Jewish community too.
  11. In November, web-sites dedicated to selling seforim to the Jewish Community don’t hold “Black-Friday” sales heralding the start of Christmas shopping.
  12. In December, Applebee’s, TGIF, and Bertucci’s all goes Kosher — to the delight of thousands of BTs and gerim.

It could be a pretty cool year to be frum, you know. I guess we have to think about some resolutions now. What do you think should happen in 2013?

Search for wild dreams on 4Torah.com

{ 14 comments… add one }
  • this blog changed and it sucks January 2, 2013, 8:52 PM

    basically whatever you like is the right thing

  • Amanda January 2, 2013, 10:13 PM

    Hey I think its awesome. And what you sounds terrific. Especially about applebees being kosher

    • Yochanan January 3, 2013, 12:48 PM

      The service quality would go way down. Trust me. I’m a BT.

  • Huh January 2, 2013, 11:21 PM

    11 is funny

    12 is far fetched even for this blog

    • Telz Angel January 3, 2013, 12:26 PM

      Got to love the folks at Eichlers for keeping it Jewish.

      • Huh January 4, 2013, 9:00 AM

        so which site did black friday?

  • Anon January 3, 2013, 5:15 AM

    Very funny. I especially liked 2 (It’s quite a pity that many frum jews simply don’t know how to be friendly to strangers. I wonder why?), 3 (are peanuts kitniyos? probably not.), 4 (hehe. elevators in bathrooms…) & 10 (hehehe). 8 was really cute (remember that breslav youtube video? Rabbi Nachman…!).

    • Anon January 3, 2013, 5:16 AM

      Not elevators in bathrooms. Mezuzas in elevators. I was thinking about mezuzas in bathrooms too, so that resulted in that typo.

    • AnonCorrect January 3, 2013, 5:17 AM

      Not elevators in bathrooms. Mezuzas in elevators. I was thinking about mezuzas in bathrooms too, so that resulted in that typo.

  • Shragi January 3, 2013, 6:22 AM

    If god only grants us no. 1 and doesn’t grant us no. 2; dayeinu.
    If god grants us nos. 1 and 2 but doesn’t grant us no. 3; dayeinu.
    Come on! You’re enough of a talmid chacham to fill in the rest by yourself.

  • Telz Angel January 3, 2013, 12:29 PM

    It’s coming true — 3000 charedim sign up for the IDF.

    Now to wonder if the IDF will have to create new guns with triggers that fire when using the thumb digging gesture.

  • FUPA January 4, 2013, 6:54 AM

    In January, Telz Angel will write his last article

    • Telz Angel January 4, 2013, 10:34 AM

      Amen to that one brother! We can only hope and pray.
      Let’s meditate together on the oneness of our purpose and bring together the yud-heh with the vav-heh into spiritual bliss where the sparks of kedusha are released from the shards of the broken spheres and brought together to make an alternate universe where you blog and I don’t. I would be precious my holy brother. precious. Let’s hope. But first, let’s sing a niggun together.

  • Israelit January 6, 2013, 12:40 PM

    Halavai! Let us add that the Israeli Rabbinut will cease their war on gerim and hilonim and actually let people who want to be Jews and admit to be Jews, be just that… Jews. And we will also cease having pedophile scandals in our communities because we will all be zaddikim for a change.

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