Why it sucked to be frum in 2012
We bring the secular year to a close and look forward to a new year ahead. In 2012, it sucked to be frum or even associated with frum people. Let’s reminisce and notice the following theme: Frum men get turned on more than cellphones on a flight that just landed. 2012 was another year of frummy arousal and related scandals and chilulei Hashem.
- In May, frumies of New York were able to agree on one thing — to gather together at a baseball field and decry the technology that might Ch’vSh connect us with the real world. It was an amazing display of unity against progress, information, and reality. It was the Internet Asifa, the gathering to tell the world that frummies hate the Internet. You can read all about it on the… Internet. You can even see the YouTube videos they posted, the Craigslist ads, Foursquare checkins, Twitter tweets, Yelp recommendations, and Instagram pictures about it. It all turned out to be a huge commercial for an Internet filtering service. A lot of money spent in the hopes that people would not use the Internet for porn. #EpicFail
- In a related show of unity and affinity for sports stadiums (oh the irony), Frummies of the world celebrated the Siyyum haShas in August. This once in 7 year event celebrates those who avoid helping out at home for yet another hour while they pack into shuls to hear someone read the gemara to them for an hour while they nod in pretend agreement. The Daf is a strange ritual, I know because I taught the daf this year (just for one of the gemarot, I’m not a big fan of the idea.). The trick: You secretly read the English translation a few times at home and then during the shiur you pull our the old gemara and pretend you know the Aramaic. Half the students fall asleep anyways. It’s a great show, and if you can keep up pretenses for seven years, you can celebrate this too. Or just pretend and do the daf for Niddah — where you find out how little chazal know about female genitalia.
- Speaking of — 2012 was a terrible year to be a frum female. The unrest came to a peak early this year, in January when dozens of charedi men admitted that they get aroused by 9 year old girls walking to school in Bet Shemesh, so they had to spit on them and throw eggs at them to overcome their urges. The raging boners have not gone limp all year, as frummies had to deal with the eroticism associated with bicycle shorts in Williamsburg, and on the bus ads in Stamford Hill, London. Moreover Yad LeIsha lost their bid to get any women on the Selection Committee for Rabbinical Judges in Israel. It’s a man’s world honey, now go the kitchen and make me a sammich.
- Boys had their fair share in the frummy pervert news too — as many had to relive the horrors of their past while their rebbees were convicted of child molestation. 2012 was a tough year to be a frum child molester, as some were caught and convicted. Baruch Hashem for that.
In addition to an obsession with sex, the frum world dealt with a lot of death this year, especially the death of leaders. These included Rav Mendel Weinbach of Ohr Someach, Rav Amram Yitzchok Zachs of Slabotka, a Lubavitch family killed by rockets, Rav Yitzchok Rosengarten of the London Belz yeshiva, Rav Zev Hoberman of Baltimore, Rav Yehuda Leib Frankel the Breslov Mohel, R’ Zev Wolfson the great baal tzedaka, Rav Yosef Sholom Elyashiv, Rav Yitzchok Kleiman of Lakewood, Rav Naftoli Nebenzahl of Pohnovitch, Rav Yechiel Tzvi Shapira of Tal Torah in Yerushalayim, Rav Eizik Ausband of Telz Cleveland, Rav Chaim Pinchos Scheinberg, Rav Moshe Yehoshua Hager the Vizhnitzer Rebee, Rav Yosef Tendler of Ner Yisroel, Rav Nissan Aharon Tucazinsky of Mosdos Etz Chaim, Rabbi Chaim Aaron Weinberg of Flatbush, and many more. The p’teriah of 2012 that hits me the most is losing Dick Clark. My Erev New Year’s will never be the same.
2012 brought us a big controversy over the black coating on tfilin straps (retzuos), a bill to ban all fur sales in Israel (with the exception of shtreimels, since chassidim are ultra-privileged too), and more kisses between the Neturei Karta and Iranian Madman Ahmadinejad than you’d see in an average Rated R movie.
2012 comes to a close, and it sucked to be frum. Secular Israelis still hate frum Jews since they still leech off of society. Cyclists in Williamsburg don’t understand how wearing bike shorts are erotic, and think frummies are sick for thinking they are. Yeshiva bucherim are learning to dance Gangnam style. More states allow same sex marriage — which is by far worse than anything that could happen to this country, even worse than reelecting Obama (which we did, despite God himself not wanting that to happen) even worse than seeing multiple mass murders take place. SuperStorm Sandy did one hell of a blowjob on NYC leaving it with a very unhappy ending. Hot Channis read 50 Shades more than any other book now that they could download it to their Kindle app — gevalt! Edon did not win AGT — perhaps he should have worn a black yarlmulka instead of a white one — then he would have won. Mindy Meyers was discovered. Pearl Perry Reich was discovered (someone should introduce them). Tav Hayosher tried to encourage Kosher establishments to uphold ethical standards of business conduct (what were they thinking!). Trader Joe’s lost their parve chocolate chips. YUBeacon encouraged women to jill-off. A chabad rabbi in Russia found a new way to perform Kiruv, and later found out that doggie-style is not new, but being secretly filmed and having the video posted on the Internet is a career limiting move — (not like Leib Tropper could not have told him that). And to top it off, Heshy stopped blogging for a few weeks which was almost as bad as everything above combined. What a sucky year to be frum.
But aside from all that terrible 2012 news, most FrumSatire readers are happy Heshy is married to Chaya Miriam. So there is at least one good highlight of the year. May 2013 be an even better year.
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