Hand Sanitizer and other things that Heshy Fried hates

Hate is a powerful word and being the super crunchy liberal I am, I rarely use the term. So the following list shouldn’t be taken lightly, because I’m about to list a whole bunch of things I hate. There’s a scene in the movie Babel which involves a women throwing her husbands drink away because the ice cubes weren’t up to her germaphobe standards and then before eating the meal (at some backwater tourist spot in Morocco) she puts on hand sanitizer. My wife and I went on a “You’ve got to be f%^&ing kidding me” style rant against hand sanitizer and I realized that I hated hand sanitizer.

Other things besides hand sanitizer (I also hate the people who use hand sanitizer) that Heshy Fried hates:

Slow lecha dodi tunes

Know it all hockers who always have a better story than you do

Asian ladies in the drivers seat

Grainy hippie humus

Tikkun Olam obsessive people

People who’re afraid of guns

Luxury pickup trucks

Foodies

Gluten free craziness

Vegans for “moral” reasons

Smart water (but the bottles are very good)

Rubashkin Pidyon Shvuyim ads on frum websites

Meshichists from France and Israel (the American one’s are very tolerable)

Cilantro and White pepper (the only two flavorings I can’t tolerate)

Vital Vittles (and the people who think it’s good)

Parve Cholent (and other things that never belong in the cholent of the white man – chick peas, wheat berries, chicken, ground meat, quinoa)

Bathrooms with no reading material

Women who think porn is cheating

Having to lie about ugly babies being cute

Flamboyant Twinks in boy shorts (I’m more of a redneck bear kinda guy)

Mechitza’s without a view

 

 

 

 

 

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  • Michael K.

    Things I hate:

    People who sit at the bottom of staircases

    Organizations that scotch tape their fliers up everywhere

    Jews who look down on you if you wear a shabbos shirt that’s not white (or ‘white-on-white’)

    Hot Chanis who wear wear shoes that I’d normally see in a strip club.

    Children who run into the kiddush room like they’ve not eaten in five days.

    Posers who dress and act frum but act like assholes.

    • Dan

      Hot chanis… You hate those?

    • Alter Cocker

      “Posers who dress and act frum but act like assholes.”

      That doesn’t sound right.

  • zach

    “Smart water (but the bottles are very good)”

    ALL bottled water, except in places with dubious tap water quality. I really don’t care if people waste their money on stupidity, but the enormous amount of plastic that this adds to the waste stream (and the energy used to produce it) is unconscionable.

  • Chaim

    Great list

  • rob

    two-day chagim on Thursday and Friday

    ahavas yisroel – There is a special place reserved in my hatred for self-hating Jewish leftists/liberals

    kiddush herring with bones

    people at the shul with 3 parking spaces who take up more than one parking space with their cars

    balding guys with comb-overs who wear their kippah on the back of their head instead of the top

    Shabbos turbans and shabbos robes

    Guys who wear black clogs or black basketball shoes to shul to make people think those are dress shoes

    Women who claim they never heard again from you after you left them multiple voice mails, emails, text messages, and JDate and Jwed messages

    Matchmakers who make you do all the background checking, age verification, reference calling, etc. then still expect to collect the full fee.

    Singles shabbatons

    Hipster Chabadniks

    barely sour pickles

    pareve ice cream, cheese, and coffee creamer

    elderly JCC gym members with oxygen bottle tubes in their noses, walkers, electric scooters, and personal nursing aides.

    rich ugly fat guys with Hot Chani wives

    Messianic Jews, and especially their “rabbis”

  • http://woodrowconservadox.wordpress.com Woodrow/Conservadox

    *Women wearing headscarves that make them look like they are trying to conceal baldness (if they can’t stand wigs, they can always wear bonnets like 19th c women, or hats, or….)
    *Mournful tunes for songs that were meant to be not so mournful
    *Shtiebels full of 80 somethings having Purim megillah readings – Purim should be at big young shuls that are capable of having a spectacle, and the old person shtiebels should just close for the holiday
    *All hebrew bentshers (no transliteration or English)- no better way of saying “If you’re not FFB get the heck out of this shul”
    *Rabbis whose sermons are in yeshivish instead of English – I suppose its OK in Williamsburg, but not in neighborhoods that are more modern

    • G*3

      In Williamsburg all the speeches are in Yiddish. It’s the “moderne” places like Flatbush and Lakewood that speak Yeshivish.

  • Yochanan

    I don’t know why every comedian has a routine about Asian female drivers. Apparently, they’ve never been to Monsey.

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      The Bay Area is full of Asians and unfortunately there are some women who drive in that statistic.

      • http://atthebackofthehill.blogspot.com/ At The Back of the Hill

        My apartment mate would agree. And she’s Asian.
        I’ve heard some of the most blistering Cantonese curses come out of her mouth when confronted by fellow Asian-American drivers.

        The formula is ‘verb neige (your) noun or adjective plus noun’.
        Followed, after a pregnant pause, by ‘auntie’.

        Always a good thing that the other driver cannot hear her. World War Three would otherwise follow.

  • Ex-Kolel Dude in LA

    SHUL ITEMS:
    – Baal Tefilla singing songs in Shul that NOONE knows and some losers just hum or mumble along like they know it… HATE IT!
    – The paid Kaddish Yosom person who’s temp and pitch slow down and change if ANY other Kaddish sayer is in Shul so they end last… HATE IT!
    – Salad (ANY) at a Kiddush (Men’s Section only)… HATE IT!! If it didn’t have a Mom don’t serve it!
    – The dude with Yahrzeit’s each week that just MUST have an Aliyah! I swear all Six Million are his… HATE IT!
    – The Mizrach Wall Tutzich Guy that shmoozes ALL davening and Krias HaTorah but G-d forbid you mumble something to your kid and he starts Shushing and gesturing wildly at the great Chillul happening… HATE IT!
    – A Rabbi/Rov that still seriously thinks we want to hear his 25 minute gibberish before Mussaf. Get over it!! We don’t want to hear it. Unless its juicy gossip or hocking some drama about some ‘other’ Rabbi or Shul please SHUT THE F*&$ UP!!!… HATE IT!

    Visitors to LA:
    – She: Wearing the white bobby sox. He: Wearing his vest with Tzitzis flying and Baseball Cap (Yeah dude, u totally look Puerto Rican now) and 300+ key chain and 3 cell phones… HATE IT!
    – Visitors from East Coast or Israel crossing over Pico or Beverly… in middle of the street… HATE IT!
    – When they ask you a question about some Kosher Dining spot and speak slowly like you are retarded… HATE IT!

    • Alter Cocker

      “- Salad (ANY) at a Kiddush (Men’s Section only)… HATE IT!! If it didn’t have a Mom don’t serve it!”

      What the heck? So no cake or kugel?

      • Ex-Kolel Dude in LA

        Hello??!! Yaptzig anyone?? but okay understandably a good piece of Kokosh and Kugel is okay….

        • Anonymous

          Need to make sure there’s no cake at your next kiddush

          Only meat

  • http://yeshivadaze.wordpress.com Shragi

    I hate it when people hate other haters for hating.

  • http://Fart.com Reb Zalmin Layb

    I hate:
    Modox guys thinking they are Yesheevish
    Yesheevish guys who think they are enlightened because they read Matt Drudge
    *******Get ready…….. MESHULOCHIM!!! Come on, why has nobody mentioned them yet?
    Guys who prowl aT kIDDUSHES
    Guys who prowl before kiddushes
    Guys who become the eating before the Rov makes Kiddush police
    Rabbonim who make these dramatic slow ass kiddushes while people are madly elbowing your plate
    Shemoneh Esrai Farters
    Kiddush Farters
    Any Farters over sixty
    ANY FARTERS over 270 pounds
    Farters who wear stained suits
    GODDAMN TUNA BAYGELS
    hONDA oDYSSEY
    Red Toyota Camrys from 2004
    Limousine baby strollers
    Hot chanis who become disgusting after their first (come on, the cutoff is the third!)
    …and many more…

    • Ex-Kolel Dude in LA

      - It’s Teena Baigel and it usually refers to a boy with more cell phones and keys than he can handle.

  • Yochanan

    All-in-one kosher fast food eateries. You know, burgers, chinese, and deli at one counter with a shawarma/falafel stand off to the side.

    When gefilte fish is served without any chrain or other toppings.

  • Chana

    I’m really surprised and happy that Cilantro is on the list. I thought I was the only person who hated Cilantro.

  • thinking outloud

    The cilantro hate is genetic.
    The NorCal 23andMe personal genomics company in Mountain View recently did a study and found a gene, OR6A2, which encodes for a receptor that makes people sensitive to the aldehyde chemicals contributing to cilantro’s characteristic flavor.
    Tastes like soap to me.

  • Howard

    Hand sanitizer is very effective at preventing the spread of germs. You don’t believe in microbe theory? Maybe your study of science was from 200 year old sources? If someone sick wipes their nose (or anus) then shakes your hand then you pick up food and eat it (or wipe your own nose or lips) without washing or sanitizing you are 100% basically licking the snot off their sick nose or licking their anus. It is exactly the same thing… you are getting the same microbes and particles into your body.

    • Howard

      And you don’t even have to shake their hand. If you touch a doorknob or elevator button you getting the microbes and mucous / fecal matter from every single person that has touched that surface. There are endless scientific studies on this.

      • Matthew

        Just like the pennies I put in my ass.

      • Germed Concerned

        Right on, Howard, I couldn’t agree more! Whats even worse than a lack of hand sanitizer is:

        Shuls that water down their soap to the point that it is obsolete.

        People being moser nefesh to come to shul with highly contagious airborne illnesses and subsequently sneezing and coughing everywhere without covering, and being makpid to shake everyone’s hands after shul.

        People presuming that washing negel vasser after the bathroom is equivalent to using soap.

        People using the very same bacteria-ridden washing cups as a multipurpose utensil, useful for filling pitchers and urns, holding paint thinner, eating soup out of……

        Those communal towels in Israel.

        Sitting down to a shabbos meal as a guest and subsequently realizing that this particular family does not believe in the idea of soap as evidenced from the complete lack of soap in the kitchen and all bathrooms.

        • Yochanan

          While this doesn’t guarantee that your hosts will wash their hands, you can always use the body wash or shampoo in their bathrooms to wash yours.

    • Anonymous

      Hand sanitizer also makes ever more bacteria resistant to antibiotics. Go back to soap and water you lazy slob

      • Never Frum Enough

        Agreed, use soap and hot water, the only time I use hand sanitizer is in an elementary school setting, when i can’t get to a sink. So sick of people who think hand sanitizer is the answer to everything. Note, I didn’t say I “hate” them, I just find them highly irritating. Thanks for reminding us to use that word sparingly Heshy. Man there are a lot of cranky people out there!

  • Ellis Hanberg

    And the prize for the worst is…………….. Shalosh Seudos with all the trimmings of flat store-brand soda, tuna and egg salad with a bitter after taste, cold hard rolls, and matzah.

    • Yochanan

      Agreed. It’s the Shabbat meal where everyone is like “This sucks. I can’t wait to get pizza tonight.”

  • Anonymous

    Out of town kosher pizza. It tastes like cardboard with ketchup and chalav Yisroel American cheese food product

    Hole in the wall schwarma restaurants with only three barstools for seating. How do you seat a family of 2 parents with 6 screaming hungry day school animals?

    Women over 45 on Jwed who still want their own children. They were obviously not biology majors.

    Women over 35 on Jwed who aren’t sure they if they want children. All those years of tefillin dates to make up their minds and they are still undecided?

    Women on Jwed who lie about their age.

    Women on Jwed who get married and forget to take their profiles down

    Women on Jwed who don’t post a picture and complain that nobody writes to them.

    Women on Jwed. All of them.

    • Sk

      Right on! Women on JWed who initiate the conversation, we message back and forth, and then she abruptly stops.

      Women on JWed who expect you to fly to their out of town community after two phone conversations. Hello, I have a job and I can’t just take a day off on a whim for a random shidduch date. Have some savlanut!

  • Yochanan

    Crappy Kosher Restaurant Customer Service: Face it. Most kosher restaurants wouldn’t last a day if they had to rely on people who didn’t have to eat kosher.

    The way non-religious Jews are blindly left wing and the way religious Jews are blindly right wing.

    Antisemitism

    Goybashing/Gentilephobia

    • Sk

      Frum folks who refer to people of African descent as shvartzes, and then wonder why blacks hate Jews.

  • shuli

    - being the only girl at shul shabbos morning (I’m not even punctual!)
    – sleeping in dorms
    – bean-heavy cholent
    – smelly beards
    – messianics
    – israeli style shabbosim (singing LOUDLY and making noise until 5 am in the morning… where is my shabbos rest?)
    – Hava Nagila
    – the chosson (or anybody else) wearing a white silk yarmaka at a wedding (if I ever should get married and my choson showed up with such a thing, I’d just let him stand at the chuppa and become the runaway kallah…. no way EVER I am going to marry a guy who wears this!!!)
    – same goes for ill fitting yarmakas (you know, the ones that pop up and dont stay neatly on the skull)
    – people who know you for 5 minutes but nag you to tell them every minute detail of your personal and family history (thats fairly common among frum women, actually!)
    – reform “kesuvos”
    – bright pink lipstick (not because of tznius – it simply does not suit me!)
    – the vanilla, strawberry, chocolate icecream combo (boring!)
    – food in most passover hotels

    • Yochanan

      Motzaey Shabbat after eating bean-heavy cholent. But, those in my vicinity probably hate it more :).

    • Yochanan

      The Modern Orthodox Minhag of the whole Minyan saying “Tiferet UGdula” in a low voice during Chazarat HaShatz on Shabbat Mincha.

      The other Modern Orthodox Minhag of singing along to Kaddish at “Tushbechata VeNechamata”

      Saying “VeYitKadesh”

      Cholam as Oy.

      Chasidishe use (misuse) of Nikkud.

      Mixed Hebrew/English like “We need to be MeKarev” It should be “We need LeKarev.”

      The fact that I, as a BT, often care more about Dikduk, than most other people.

      I’m no fan of intermarriage, but it really irks me to hear the word “Holocaust” used to describe it. Yes, I’ve looked at those statistics that say “In the last 50 years we’ve lost at least, if not more, Jews to intermarriage than the the Holocaust.” That may be true, but it’s more of a how you say it thing because, sorry, but David marrying the love of his life Christina doesn’t conjure up images of crowded cattle cars, gas chambers, medical experiments, emaciated bodies, and so on.

      Heshy, this post is addicting.

      • Yochanan

        This was meant to be a new comment than a reply.

  • shuli

    oh… i forgot…. prices in ALL passover hotels!

  • Holmes

    Look up MRSA and then tell me you still don’t like hand sanitizer.

  • chevramaidel

    TCRs (Tactical Challah Rolls) served at simchas. Break them open and everyone on your side of the table gets fragged. Then two minutes later they bring garlic bread, which is actually worth eating.

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