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Yosef: Metrosexual of the Torah

by Chaya Miriam Fried

All the signs are there. The primping of the hair. The eyeliner. The channeling of Alice Cooper with a disco perm. The man chosen to represent klal Yisroel, ushering the Tribe from the days of our forefathers and onto the birth of Moshe rabeinu. A metrosexual all the way.

Were only left to ask ourselves: did they wax or thread eyebrows back then? Mani/pedis perhaps? Did he drench himself in Axe body spray like yeshiva bochurs of his age in future generations? Had they laser hair removal back then, we can only imagine where it would have ended.

Would you have thrown the pretty boy in the pit?

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{ 17 comments… add one }
  • danny December 12, 2012, 8:21 PM

    I knew it the moment I saw Donny Osmond in that role.

  • Telz Angel December 12, 2012, 10:02 PM

    Metro- or Homo-? Remember, he’s the guy that had the opportunity to shag Potifar’s wife, but declined. What kind of str8 guy gives up the chance? And look, his reward is to get put in the slammer with two dreamy submissive men. That’s a coat of 50 shades of many rainbow colors if you ask me.

    • Dan December 13, 2012, 3:07 PM


    • Anonymous December 13, 2012, 4:40 PM

      No he was just able to control his body with his mind. You apparently don’t understand the point of the story

      • Telz Angel December 13, 2012, 10:00 PM

        I failed the course in biblical apologetics when I was in Yeshiva. Sorry.

        But I do remember the Gemara that said that anyone who says King David sinned was mistaken — all he did was rub out a husband in order to shag the widow he lusted after, since he was spying on her in the shower. No sins there — since David was straight.

        Ever heard of the medrash that Joseph was gay and so was Dina? Dina did the manly thing by “going out” on her own (and then getting raped by Schem) in a society where women stayed in the house. Whereas Joseph liked his fashionable clothing and combed his hair a lot. Obviously the medrash had a good gaydar for these social clues.

  • MS December 13, 2012, 1:15 AM

    It has been around 2 months since i last visited your blog. I used to find it funny but that woman has changed you!!!!!!!!!

    • person December 13, 2012, 1:41 PM

      I giggled.

  • anonymous_ December 13, 2012, 5:17 AM

    Many say that Osnat was the daughter of Potiphar (ie. if Poti-phera kohen On and Potiphar are the same person).

    If so, then The Graduate can be regarded as a retelling of the Yosef narrative.

  • Shragi Getzel December 13, 2012, 5:30 AM

    Telz Angel,
    We all know what they would have done to Yosef in your Alma Mater; the pit is representative of the mikvah which is referred to as a ??? in the old testament, even the modern mikvaos have a ??? attached to them. Come to think of it, maybe those bochurim cavorting around the mikvah in Telz were reenacting the holy Bible scene of the brothers throwing Yosef into the ???.

    • Yochanan December 13, 2012, 7:21 AM

      Hebrew ends up as ? in this blog.

      • Michael K. December 13, 2012, 7:38 AM

        That’s the way my Hebrew ends up after too much scotch.

    • Telz December 13, 2012, 1:20 PM

      The bochrim who hanged out by the Telz Mikveh were not reenacting throwing Yosef in the pit, but were simply imagining the circle jerk of his dreams to be in the center of the bowing sheaves and sparkly stars. I don’t recall anyone being tossed in but I do remember when someone put a lot of green colored bubble bath in it.

  • Anonymous December 13, 2012, 10:31 AM

    bad mad stuff happens in the mikvah, dont get me started.

  • Avrumy December 14, 2012, 9:20 AM

    On behalf of the orthogay crowd, I love this stuff and the comments. Yosef is a proto-gay Biblical figure. We LOVE LOVE LOVE him.

  • jiujitsu princess December 16, 2012, 11:03 PM

    I have to hand it to CM – her posts are all very though-provoking and pleasantly succint – but this one has too much of a cutesy “lets try to fit cool sounding pop culture terminology into Torah learning” kind of ring.

    • The Mrs. December 17, 2012, 9:02 AM

      No actual trying involved, just a transcript of some nightly bullshitting about the rabbi’s speech that shabbos. Thanks for the feedback, though 😉

  • not chani December 20, 2012, 1:44 PM

    What’s the point you are trying to make, Mrs. Fried? that Yosef was gay? that being obsessed with one’s physical appearance is ok? that it’s cool for Jewish authority figures to have a bit of an “edge”? or are you just observing how the manifestations of metrosexuality have evolved since Yosef’s time? I’m just a bit confused…

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