Email Plague Hits Quiet New England Community.
Breaking News out of Sharon, MA
Due to political unrest in the Jewish Community, Congregation Vikuchei Yisroel announced today that they will hold a breakaway minyan on Yom Kippur for Obama supporters and other liberals in the community. Asked about this move, Dr. Mitchy Romneyberg explained that although we begin the Yom Kippur service with the statement that we are allowed to daven with the sinners, clearly this does not include liberals. Rabbi Baruch Oybaum interrupted Romneyberg and explained that the shul’s democrats were not kicked out, they are leaving on their own to form a peaceful minyan. My sources tell me that the good Rabbi and the Dr. have since gotten into a fight about this and sent many emails to prove why the other one is wrong.
Well, regardless if this was a move to remove the liberals, or to give them a space on their own, one thing is clear — the level of aggression in the community is growing. Just last week someone refused to recommend a plummer to an Obama supporter. And over Rosh Hashana, many people did not answer omein to the mourner’s kaddish recited by a left-leaning member. The escalation of threats has grown rapidly in the past 48 hours and now we are hearing that members of the community are sending emails to other people. emails! My God! where have the days gone when you’d throw a brick into a window, or slash a few tires?
I tried to find out where the liberal minyan would be held, but could not get a straight answer. One person told me they are going to make the minyan at the local mosque — adding with a smile, “they will be more comfortable there.” Another told me that he thinks they should hold the minyan at the beautiful local Lake Mitzvapoag — then adding “at the bottom of it, I hope.”
In an attempt to bring unity back to the community, a local area pharmaceutical company says it is sponsoring a gathering where people get to air their grievances and political views on little yellow Post-It notes and paste them on the wall of the shul’s social hall. Then after a 30 minute training session on the many ways to hit a delete key, everyone will be given a delete key of their own, which they can put on their computers to be used judiciously. Afterwards, all participants will be given free samples of Viagra.
I asked the program sponsor — Why Viagra? and I learned something fascinating. Studies at Harvard University prove there is a strong correlation between people who argue about politics on email lists and sexual dysfunction. Now we know what we always suspected. Moreover, if people had better things to do with their passions and unfulfilled feelings of inadequacy, then they might decide that God wants them to make love, not war. After all, both candidates are total schmuks, so why even try to defend either of them.
We can only hope that after this program, the members of the Vikuchei Yisroel community can help erect their sukkot poles as they did last year and celebrate next holiday in peace and unity. But for now, unless the assault by email stops soon, I think we’ll see an escalation to Facebook posts too.
Gmar Chasima Tova to all the real Jews out there who know which candidate is really good for the Jews. Of course you know which guy I’m talking about. And a pox on all of you naive fools who will be voting for the other guy. You know who you are.
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