Kelsey Media

My non-Shidduch Resume

66 comments

Not actually me.

Here’s what I am: I’m a good guy, real, intelligent, good-looking. Normal, with it, good sense of humor. Aged btwn 24 and 28. 5’8″. Pretty broad build. Have trust issues. Open and honest. Accepting, non-judgmental.

Here’s what I’m looking for: Jewish girl, (frum background a plus but optional), good person, real, nice looking, with it. Aged same or younger preferably.

Here’s what throws average girls off: My goals aren’t to have a bunch of kids and work my ass off to support us. At least at this stage in my life. I can’t deal with that responsibility and pressure. I want a boyfriend/girlfriend, committed relationship, whatever you want to call it. Marriage is nice with the right girl, after we establish a solid relationship.

In case you’re wondering, I’m being serious with all of this. I’m thinking I should probably make this piece more fun so it doesn’t look like a business proposal, but I really can’t see the point. If this is all working for you, email me at yeshivaforum@gmail.com If you want to swap pictures, find out more personal information, same email address. If you want references or whatever, I’ll give you whoever you want to talk to to check me out. If you’re friends with Heshy, he’ll vouch for me.

Again, folks, that’s yeshivaforum@gmail.com . I’m what you’ve been missing. Ladies only please.

If you’re married but know a friend that might be interested, hook us up. There’s a shidduch crisis out there, and I’m actually a normal man. And I will give you shadchanus money.

 

  • Dan

    I’ll vouch for him also.

  • frumenough

    i second the vouches.

    • frumenough

      jake gyllenhaal is not even so far off

      • http://eyekanspel.blogspot.com eyekanspel

        False. OfftheDwannaB is much better looking.

    • http://yeshivaforum.wordpress.com OfftheDwannaB

      ;)

  • Shidduch Candidate

    Hi, I’m interested: I’m female, in my early forties, not going to have a whole bunch of kids, interested in building up a solid (albeit platonic) relationship before marriage. i live in Europe. If you are interested, reply and I will send a contact address to heshy…. I am about 6ft tall and weight about 220 lbs.

  • Tinok ShenishBeth

    He really is Jake Gyllenhaal cute, ladies!

  • http://www.kosherunicorn.com KosherUnicorn

    “Ladies only please”

    And yet you use a picture of Brokeback Mountain’s own Jake Gyllenhaal. Way to reel us in then let us down. (lol.)

    • Tamar

      i thought about that too. hee hee

  • A. Nuran

    Is it really such a radical thing to want a girlfriend?
    If it is, the state of Judaism is really pretty frightening.

    • Seriously??

      Kind of depends on your POV. Not so very long ago, sex always had consequences, and any decent girl would refuse to sleep with a guy unless he married her.

      Now, of course, we have technology to ensure that sex has no real consequences. Except, of course, the destruction of the family, two generations of embittered and miserable women, and spoiled and immature men who can do whatever they like with a woman, and still go home to mommy.

    • A. Nuran

      I mention this because both of my parents were raised Orthodox back in the day. Dating other than “six interviews before marriage” was common and expected. The rules for what young women and men did physically were different than they are today, but having a boyfriend or girlfriend you weren’t planning on marrying wasn’t a horrible sin and blot on your family’s honor.

      The shomer meshugas crowd already stones and throws acid on women who step out of line by wearing the wrong color or talking to men or letting an elbow show. Having such a zonah in the family means everyone else is suspect marriage material. Put the two together, and I’m willing to bet we start seeing honor killings in Bet Shemesh in the next few years. And the more extreme rabbis will come up with justifications for them.

      • Dan

        Talk about debating in good faith. I know of a couple of occasions of stone throwing, and none of acid. The fact that you would attribute that to the entire ultra orthodox establishment, makes you the lunatic.

        • A. Nuran

          If you’ve been following the news for the last few years you will notice there have been several acid throwings. It happens. And stone throwing has been institutionalized.

          You’re entitled to your opinions, but not to change the facts to suit your prejudices.

          • Dan

            “You’re entitled to your opinions, but not to change the facts to suit your prejudices.”

            You’ve got a serious case of “kol haposel, b’mumo posel”, as evidenced about 5 times in the past couple of days.

            Please link me 3 acid throwings.

            • Dan

              And, if stone throwing were “institutionalized” as you claim, I would be encouraging and arguing for it–not telling you that nobody normal I have ever met would throw a stone at any Jewish woman or man ever unless it was self defense.

              Like i say, kol haposel…

              • A. Nuran

                “If”? Come on, Dan. At least try to come up with better lies. The Tallitban rabbis have issued poskim on it. As long as you set the rock aside before Shabbos you can commit assault with deadly weapons on the holiest day of the week. Jewhadi stonings of “immodest” women, Shabbos drivers, Intel factories so an and so forth are beyond denial. And the tin-pot unwashed toyreh-spouting demigods you worship because of their “Daas Torah” have done nothing stop it.

                • Dan

                  You are referring to a few lunatics who lead a bunch of crazies. And I have no idea what you want anyone to do about it.

                  Have you ever seen a shabbos stone throwing? I have. I saw some people throwing stones at cars on bar ilan. Want to know who was throwing them? Shababnicks-that’s who. (Kids of chareidim who are going OTD.)

            • http://evolvingjew.wordpress.com Philo

              Acit thrown on 14 year old girl by “modesty patrol”: http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-3552461,00.html

            • http://evolvingjew.wordpress.com Philo

              Google “modesty patrol acid beitar”

        • Sherut Keva be-khayal-ha-Yam

          Concur. A.Nuran knows his way around leftist-girl-scout meetings; I know my way around Bangladesh. Bet he hasn’t seen face-to-face, one acid-attack victim in his entire life. He’s got enough time on his hands to make a “reply” to his own “reply” because he’s NOT busy getting laid.

          • A. Nuran

            You’ve never seen a naked woman you didn’t have to buy or rape. That doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

            • Seriously??

              True. Women can be cheapened. They can even be convinced that sex is just physical, that being intimate is just another step in a friendship, that they should do whatever makes their bodies feel good, that there are no consequences to their actions. Women can be convinced that they are cheaper even than a prostitute; that being a slut is perfectly normal.

              All of this is possible, and even common today. But is it GOOD?

              • bratschegirl

                Same old tired insults directed toward any woman who dares to acknowledge her sxuality independent of a husband. Not likely to convert anyone to your cause.

                I’ll grant you that the pendulum has perhaps swung too far. Current secular American culture essentially demands that sx be part of any dating relationship between adults; it’s become about as significant as brushing one’s teeth, and I definitely don’t see that as a positive development. Still, I don’t long for a return to the days when women were supposed to be blissfully unaware of what sx was until their wedding night, when they were magically supposed to have multiple org@sms the first time or else be labeled a frigid b!tch forever after.

                (Not bowdlerizing my comment, just trying to stay out of the filter)

      • Tamar

        I dunno. I love the Shomer Mishegas title. It so so fits.

    • Seriously??

      Up until recently, sex had consequences. So any woman who could think more than one step ahead made the guy marry her before she gave it up.

      Now, of course, we have technology to save the day! And as a result, sex is now free and easy. And nobody ever gets hurt! Except for a generation or two (and counting) of women who are actually *not* as OK with free love as are guys. And a whole mess of ruined families. And, of course, irresponsible spoiled adult boys who can do whatever they like with a girl, and still go home to mommy’s cooking and laundry.

      Of course, there is nothing new or radical about a guy who wants a girl who puts out, no strings attached. Prostitution isn’t the world’s oldest profession for nothing. But the idea that, en masse, girls would get so cheap that guys don’t even have to pay? THAT is radical!

    • Serious or not…

      Up until recently, sex had consequences. So any woman who could think more than one step ahead made the guy marry her before she gave it up.

      Now, of course, we have technology to save the day! And as a result, sex is now free and easy. And nobody ever gets hurt! Except for a generation or two (and counting) of women who are actually *not* as OK with free love as are guys. And a whole mess of ruined families. And, of course, irresponsible spoiled adult boys who can do whatever they like with a girl, and still go home to mommy’s cooking and laundry.

      Of course, there is nothing new or radical about a guy who wants a girl who puts out, no strings attached. Prostitution isn’t the world’s oldest profession for nothing. But the idea that, en masse, girls would get so cheap that guys don’t even have to pay? THAT is radical!

  • Neal

    I’m confused, you “have trust issues” but you’re “open and honest”

    • http://yeshivaforum.wordpress.com OfftheDwannaB

      Yes. Are you asking for tachlis or youre just bored?

      • Neal

        not tachlis to date but I do want to know what you mean

        • http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:DRosenbach DRosenbach

          He being ‘open and honest’ means that (according to him) you won’t ‘have trust issues’ with him, but does not interfere with his ‘issue of trusting’ that you’ll be ‘open and honest’.

    • Tamar

      Makes complete sense if you have been betrayed in the past but you are committed to making relationships that are truly healthy and cooperative.

  • Seriously??

    Let’s see… nice girl, no strings attached.

    So you just want some tail at amateur prices?

    • A. Nuran

      Or he could want a girlfriend with no pre conceived endpoint to the relationship. In the non-frum, non-salafi world it happens all the time. People want companionship and affection but aren’t necessarily looking for a permanent, life-long legal commitment. Or they might be open to that but aren’t gunning for a joint checking account and 6.8 kids at this very moment.

      It’s not all about marriage vs. getting your pubic nerve stimulated with the least amount of hassle. Sometimes mean and women want a hoo-hah. Sometimes they want to enjoy companionship of the opposite gender and emotional connection. Sometimes they want chocolate. People who aren’t as constrained by specific customs as you are willing to engage in a wider variety of relationships. These require a clear mutual understanding of what’s going on.

      Our Correspondent is up front about what he’s looking for. That means neither he nor the women he makes contact with will be entering into things under mistaken assumptions. They won’t waste each other’s time or have to be dishonest in order to get what they want.

      I thank Shub-Niggurath and all the Tentacled Horrors I didn’t rush into marriage at eighteen out of a burning desire to get my shmekele wet. I made much better decisions a few years later having had a modest number of relationships. So did my wife. And so did those earlier girlfriends.

      • A. Nuran

        I should elaborate: All intimate relationships require honesty and openness. The more options there are, the more chance of confusion and misapprehension. Good, clear communication becomes even more important.

        • Seriously??

          No, they don’t. People lie all the time. And guys often say “I don’t want any strings,” while girls think “strings wouldn’t be so bad….”

          When a good girl sleeps with a guy, and it turns out he never had any intention of a long term relationship, it *hurts* her.

          • Anonymous

            You’re a douchebag. And A Nurans not. Argument over.

            • A. Nuran

              He’s not a douchebag. He is coming to the table with a very different and much more restricted view of acceptable human relations, particularly intimate ones. I do not agree with his premises or his conclusions; in my deeply considered opinion they are incomplete and at least partially incorrect. That does not make him cruel or arrogant or anything else of the sort.

            • Seriously??

              Calling someone a name does not win an argument. The truth is not connected to whether or not the person making an argument is a good or bad person.

          • A. Nuran

            That’s why ethical people are honest about their relationships including the parts they’re not sure about. Dealing with that is part of being an adult human being.

            You also sell women short and reduce men to one-dimensional fertilizing machines. Women dump men. Men dump women. Sometimes it hurts, and sometimes it doesn’t. It hurts a lot less if you don’t have unrealistic expectations, unrealistically high or low.

            I’ve slept with women who just wanted physical release and others who wanted something low-key. As near as I can tell they weren’t *hurt* because they didn’t get a permanent lifelong contract. And I’ve been both the dumper and dumpee in more serious relationships. It hurts just as much if you’re a man.

            • Seriously??

              My college recollections included seeing a lot of hurt women, trying to understand how a guy could think nothing of a hookup.

              A guy can have sex like he eats a meal. The body and the soul have no connection. But a woman? The first time a woman has sex, she *cries* with the emotional intensity of it. I have NEVER heard of a guy doing this. Sex has *meaning* to a woman who has not learned to imitate a man by rending her body an soul apart.

            • Catholic Mom

              Human behavior is incredibly varied and complex and you can undoubtedly come up with numerous examples of people who engage in almost any behavior you care to mention.

              That said — human sexual behavior is the product of evolution. And evolution comes down to this — those individuals who do the best job of reproducing are, by definition, maximally represented in some nth (not necessarily next) generation. And for men, that pretty much means impregnating as many quality females as possible and (hopefully) supporting as many quality offspring from these as they can. So women are a scarce and valuable resource to be continually sought.

              But for females, it only takes a little sex (like a few times a year) to maximize her fertility (you can only have one baby a year, more or less, and even that may be too many if it affects your health and therefore your ability to raise them). So women are not programmed to look continually for sex — they’re programmed to look for men who will contribute to the raising of their offspring. And they have sex with men outside their fertile period (we and the Great Apes are the only mammals who do) to keep them from straying and impregnating other women (and thus diverting resources from their own offspring). ( I’m not saying they generally do this in a calculating way — although they do sometimes — just that they’ve evolved to do it.)

              So the evolutionary basis of sex for men is this: you can never have too much because the number of childen you have is a function of the number of women you have.

              The evolutionary basis of sex for women is this: it’s a mechanism to find and hold a resource-rich father for your children.

              Where I disagree with Seriously is the effect of contraception on this evolutionary process. Contraception will not eliminate this process — it will accelerate it. The sex drive in males has been a proxy for the reproductive drive. In other words – men have not necessarily been selected for wanting children — it’s sufficient for them just to want sex, since one follows from the other. After a couple hundred years of contraceptive use, however, those who want sex without children will have self-selected out from the gene pool. What will be left is men who want children (and sex).

              • A. Nuran

                I’m afraid there’s an enormous number of holes in your rather simplistic evo-psych. Enormous leaps to conclusions based on very little evidence and making too much stew from one oyster.

                • Catholic Mom

                  Well, I have a Ph.D. in the subject of the evolutionary basis of animal behavior, but I’m sorry it’s too simplistic for you. :) I can direct you to some more complex work if you like.

                  • shanamaidel

                    what do you think of sex at dawn then? They totally slaughtered David Buss at points….

          • A. Nuran

            Who says “good girls” don’t sleep with people pour l’amour ou pour le sport? That whole “Virgin/Zonah” thing is one of the most destructive mindworms out there. The Agricultural Revolution has a lot to answer for.

            Let’s get down to the basics here. In all human relations a decent person has an obligation to avoid causing needless suffering. The closer you let someone get, the greater the potential harm you can do. Honesty, compassion and good communication are important tools to help you do good by others and avoid hurting them. That’s basic human wisdom found in every culture and is a running theme in Torah. It applies whether we’re talking about friends, lovers, spouses, family members, co-workers or members of the local shul Board.

            Is this the ideal? Yes.
            Does it elevate the relationship? Yes.
            Are people perfect? Do they always abide by this? Heck, no and Hella to the no.

            • Seriously??

              Every culture does NOT treat people with honesty, compassion and good communications! This is what you stand *against*! After all, I would argue that an Islamic or African culture that puts women in hijabs and genetically mutilates them is treating women as appliances, comparable to the goats and sheep that purchased them.

              I would agree that the Torah cares a great deal about love and respect. But it is hardly a universalist theme! Many native tribes, including Iroquois (for example) practised cannibalism. Pagans frequently sacrificed children, and death cults are not as rare as they ought to be. I submit that any culture that eats people is not interested in honesty, compassion, and good communications. Those are all ideas founded in the Torah, and adopted by Xianity and (to a far lesser extent) Islam.

              • http://woodrowconservadox.wordpress.com Woodrow/Conservadox

                Interesting to see how some of the posters treat the worst of any culture (whether that’s Islam, Haredi-ism, or paganism) to that culture. I strongly suspect that most haredim aren’t big on throwing acid or even rocks at women, that most Muslims are not in favor of honor killing or genital mutiliation, and most pagans weren’t for child sacrifice. (Though admittedly I’m not sure survey data exists for any of my propositions).

                • Seriously??

                  We *do* have polling data on Muslims – the strong majority of muslims worldwide support suicide bombings, for example. I’d say that makes Islam a death cult.

                  But my point was a more basic one: not every culture cares about treating other people well. In fact, the opposite is true: being nice to people is historically the exception, not the rule. Compassion is most usually identified as weakness.

                  Likewise, honesty is not celebrated in most cultures. Chinese and Indians both avoid telling somebody something that the listener may not want to hear – and the avoidance often takes the form of an outright lie.

                  • A. Nuran

                    The technical term for what your are saying is “a lie”. Most Muslims absolutely DO NOT support suicide bombings. In fact, since they are the overwhelming victims of these crimes they are very much against them.

                    In America Muslims are MORE likely to put loyalty to country ahead of loyalty to religion than Christians of any sort and significantly moreso than Orthodox Jews.

                    Haredism, a post-WWII offshoot of Judaism, has the same relation to Judaism that Salafism does to Islam – a reactionary, anti-modernist, anti-rational, misogynistic, absolutist, authoritarian sect with a strong emphasis on classic cult-checklist control of every aspect of its members lives.

                    Not all Haredim are like this, not by a long shot. Neither are all Salafists. But from a sociological, religious and political perspective the communities as a whole are symptoms of the same pathology.

                  • SC

                    Judaism is NOT such a good example for treating people well, see the genocide of Amalek and Midian, see how women are treated like an object (not so much different from Islam), who daughters won’t inherit, how polygamy is allowed but polyandry is hit with a death sentence, etc…

                • Seriously??

                  But I DO take exception to putting Islam and Haredi Jews in the same sentence. There is NO comparison between those who premeditatively murder children to those who yell and scream at women in the street. And there is NO comparison when one thinks of the reaction of society: the vast majority of Jews are horrified at stone throwing, and they say so, out loud.

                  But honor killings? Show me prominent muslims in the UK and France who speak out against honor killings. Or Dutch Muslim leaders who forbid genital mutliations.

                  • A. Nuran

                    FGM? The Shia forbid it. The non-African, non-Egyptian Sunni communities forbid it. All the Sufi orders forbid it. That particular evil goes back to ancient Egypt, to a time before YHVH was even in diapers. In the parts of Africa where it’s practiced it’s also done by Christians although not as much.

                    In Haredism – particularly Israeli Haredism – we have an increasingly violent movement which has normalized assault with deadly weapons, arson and extortion. It is becoming increasingly rigid, increasingly hostile to all outsiders and within one lifetime has adopted a standard of gender segregation that is as bad as Saudi Arabia and worse than Iran. Supposed crimes against modesty are visited on the entire family. The stringency of the week – and it always gets stricter – is to women as Torah is to men.

                    Normalized deadly violence. Obsession with “family honor”. Religious imperatives to toe an ever madder Party line. Identification of both with tribal survival and identity. That is precisely the set of circumstances which leads to the development of honor killings.

                    And people who suck bleeding infant shmekele in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

                    • Puzzled

                      I have trouble with these sorts of comments from people who brag about their willingness to bash in the heads of infants if they happen to be of Amalek descent. Oh, right, but that’s symbolic (but we get angry when anyone else suggests that something else might be symbolic) of killing the Amalek in one’s own heart – which is why all of Haman’s sons were hung, I suppose. And why Saul lost his kingship for letting one live.

                • A. Nuran

                  Most aren’t. Most are normal decent people. But the communities as a whole promote and protect evil. That means they bear responsibility for it.

                  People who rape little children are routinely protected. The victims who are brave enough to come forward are shamed, threatened and punished as are their families. There is a stated, explicit policy of destroying evidence, obstructing justice and standing idly by the blood of innocents. The response from the major rabbinic organizations through the Chassidic sects and down to the local shuls has been active complicity.

                  Stonings, extortion and property crimes against businesses which aren’t up to the chumra of the week, assault, acid attacks, spitting on women who have the gall to sit at the front of the bus, arson and more are actively supported. When I say “actively” I mean it. Once again, any investigations into these disgusting crimes is quashed by a wall of silence that puts the Mafia and the NYPD to shame.

                  It would take almost nothing to help root this out. If the “gedolim” came out against it publicly and unequivocally it would plummet. If they said “Spit on a nun, assault a woman on the bus, assault drivers with deadly weapons and you aren’t welcome in any decent shul or yeshiva” it would darned near disappear.

                  Hell, if New Square just toned down its Stalinism and its hereditary God-King and Living Idol had visited his catamite’s victim in the hospital it would be a huge step in the right direction.

                  But good men do nothing, so evil flourishes in these communities and in their name.

          • shanamaidel

            I would have a hard time explaining that line to my lover. (not my BF, my lover…I’m single)

  • shanamaidel

    Vouching isn’t helpful – I’m in the right age range for this guy – but I want to know if we share common interests and viewpoints about the world. Will I get along with you, will I find you attractive?

    • Dan

      We can’t answer that. Post a pic and we’ll decide.

      • shanamaidel

        flirt :p

    • http://yeshivaforum.wordpress.com OfftheDwannaB

      You can email me. I dont bite.

      • Anonymous

        I do ;)

      • shanaMaidel

        urgg that was me, above

  • frumyack

    Do you believe in love at first sight

    • http://yeshivaforum.wordpress.com OfftheDwannaB

      Yes. I think thats one way it can happen. It doesnt happen like that with me, I need to get to know the person first.

  • not chani

    I heard some ruckus coming from the frumsatire corner…so it’s true then? normal single men do exist?

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