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Eight Worst Mikvah Ladies.

MikvaGuest Post by Mrs. Telz Angel.

In honor of the marriage of Heshy and Chaya I wanted to share with you my top eight worst Mikva Lady experiences.

1. The Talkative Town Yenta. Lady, please stop talking! I show up once a month and I don’t want to hear what happened to you over the last four weeks.  I certainly don’t want to tell you what’s going on with me either. You are just going to tell everyone else. I know you are because you tell me what’s going on with the other women in the community.  I don’t care who stopped going to Mikvah.  I don’t care who is getting heavier these days. Please just let me dunk in peace.

2. She doesn’t want to be there. Sometimes you are lucky and you don’t get the yenta.  Instead you get the mom who clearly does not want to be there. She shows up late and barely looks you over. Half the time she’s texting her kids, and can’t wait for you to get out of there. Nothing like a rushed mikva to prepare you for a rushed quickie at home.  Hey, if it is any consolation, I’d rather be home also.

3. Do you want to buy some… She takes advantage of the captive audience to sell me stuff.  Tupperware, Amway, the Pampered Chef, you name it.  If it’s a multi-level marketing scheme, she’s on it and selling it hard.  Hey lady, I’m not at Bed, Bath and Beyond.  I’m actually planning on  Bath, Bed and Beyond — if you know what I mean.

4. Pregnant Shomeret in a tight mikvah. My old mikva was small, very small. Every so often I got the pregnant shomeret.  It was ridiculous trying to squeeze my naked body around her protruding belly to get into the mikva. Way too much intimate contact for my liking.

5. The Lesbian. OK, I’m not 100% sure she’s gay, but she gazes at me more than a woman should be staring at another naked woman. It’s creepy. Yes, I know you have to look me over, but really now, there’s nothing I got that you don’t. Look in a mirror if you want to have fun.  I’m not here to show off.

6. Your kid’s dayschool Morah. I hate when this happens ‘cuz my kid comes home and tells me that her Morah met me last night and winked a lot.  For the love of G-d why do I have to deal with this woman?  It’s bad enough I pay so much for her to verbally abuse my kids, do I need her to inform all of kita gimel that I was at the mikvah last night?

7. She’s jealous that I’m getting some action tonight. I don’t think she’s divorced, but she gives me the vibes that she is not getting any.  ”Oh you are so lucky. Let me give you a brocho for a very holy experience tonight. It’s so nice you are here, I really hope all goes well with you and your husband. Does he treat you well? Oh I’m so happy for you. You are clean and kosher now. Enjoy yourself in kedusha and eternal bliss.”  G-d almighty lady get over it. If you are not happy with your love life, get a vibrator.

8. The worst one of all — your Weight Watcher’s Instructor. Ugg. There is nothing worse than having your WW instructor as your mikva lady. I don’t care how many points you are counting — you cannot hide your butt from her. She sees it all. Pray pray pray that you never get her as a mikva lady.

Welcome to married life Chaya. Treat her like a queen Heshy.

Mrs. Telz Angel.

{ 47 comments… add one }
  • Dan June 24, 2012, 9:18 PM

    There is a Mrs. Telz Angel?

    • Lex Luthor June 24, 2012, 11:05 PM

      Nah, it’s his alter-ego.

      • Telz Angel June 25, 2012, 9:10 AM

        I have a whole imaginary harem of imaginary women in my imaginary mind, but only one of them is real enough to be called Mrs. Neither of us really exist, but then again, we are all just emanations of consciousness from the sparks of holiness from the broken shards of kablahblah.

  • tesyaa June 25, 2012, 6:42 AM

    Very funny. You forgot the elderly lady who used to work at the Upper West Side mikveh, Mrs. Lobel (?), who was like the great aunt you could never please.

    • Telz Angel June 25, 2012, 9:55 AM

      If you were trying to please your mikvah lady on your mikvah night, then at least have the decency to invite your husband to watch.

      • T August 1, 2012, 9:56 PM

        only you, Telz. Is this the frum man’s version of girl-girl porn? Mikvah lady and lady waiting to dip?

  • AztecQueen2000 June 25, 2012, 7:34 AM

    You forgot the snappish old lady. It’s late, I want to get home, and she’s yelling at me about how I spent too little time underwater! You said it was kosher, now let is go!

  • AriSparkles June 25, 2012, 7:57 AM

    You also forgot finding out that your social worker is a ML and going way out of your way to avoid her. That happened to me when I started keeping tm years ago. That must be worse than WW woman.

  • wtf June 25, 2012, 8:51 AM

    That was reall funny!! As a follow up, write something positive about the experience, you surely don’t want to scare anyone away from going because of your horror stories.

    The main thing is to get laid and get laid often.

  • Mark June 25, 2012, 1:14 PM

    According to my wife, you forgot the “Israeli mikva-lady”, a combination of talkative and rather over-zealous when it comes to checking you.

  • anon June 25, 2012, 1:50 PM

    Interesting post, Mrs. Telz Angel.

  • utubefan June 25, 2012, 2:51 PM

    The concerned checker, the Sephardic concerned checker (with love, the Sephardic mikvah ladies are tougher than all others), the French woman in the Forest Hills Mikvah about 10 years ago who made all of us dunk around 7 times–I am “outing” her because I found out later that she did that to others and I now wonder if she was a lesbian indeed. And then there are the wonderful, warm, normal out-of-towny neighborhood women who are just friendly enough without being intrusive. I wish for all of us that we get that last type.

  • iolo June 25, 2012, 3:46 PM

    Oh my gawd! What a nice butterfly tattoo on your shoulder! I didn’t know your a balas tshuva, how long are you frum for?
    Na, I was otd for a couple years before getting hitched, mind your ouwn phuking buisiness!

  • Micah T June 25, 2012, 4:24 PM

    Great post! I loved number 7! Very very funny.

  • Terrible June 25, 2012, 5:43 PM

    As usual for TA….LAME!

    • CM in SF June 26, 2012, 9:00 AM

      As usual for TA…reader that isn’t sharp enough to get the joke.

  • Dan June 25, 2012, 6:09 PM

    Worst are the ones who give you attitude for being male. I’m gay, and I had a hemmeroid; get over it!

  • Mike V June 26, 2012, 12:45 AM

    I get the heebie jeebies from the floater turds that are frequent visitors at the West end one.

    • A. Nuran June 26, 2012, 5:38 PM

      Guessing that’s more a problem in the men’s mikvah.

  • Ra'ananInAlbany June 26, 2012, 8:06 AM

    Being in an “Out-Of-Town” community, we have a bunch of each stereotype, but several of the friendly type. And no French or Israeli ladies.

  • Anon June 26, 2012, 9:09 AM

    Or the one that touches your behind without asking because you have a hair on it. Then asks you to move your legs apart to get a better reach. Let’s just say I didn’t have that shomeret again!

  • Simmy June 27, 2012, 2:26 PM

    So do any of you guys have “Mikvah Man” personalities or stories you’d like to share.

    • Norelco June 29, 2012, 6:08 PM

      Anyone notice how men in the mikva are now getting manscaped? it gives them the extra “visual inch”

  • Gary June 28, 2012, 4:34 AM

    Haha this is very funny!

  • T August 1, 2012, 10:04 PM

    Excellent Mrs. Telz. I’m happy not to have met those mikvah ladies.

    Just in case, let’s not forget the Friday night dips. If you are blessed enough to need to have a double mitzvah night, hope that there’s a mikvah within walking distance that is NOT attached to the shul. Dipping time is right after Barchu. This ensures that when you are leaving, all the men are leaving shul at the same time. Of course, there’s at least one friendly unmarried yokel who asks why you are out and why wasn’t your husband at minyan? Oy. Tell him you treifed up your chicken soup and needed to know if it was kosher to eat for dinner. Then hurry home for your double mitzvah night.

  • Yosefa April 11, 2013, 2:19 PM

    The mikva lady in Pitssburgh was the best. We was an older widow and would always send me home with cucumbers and tomatoes from her garden. I was always worried I would get caught walking home with the tel tale mini cucumbers in the close knit community. I miss that extra clean mikva with the towels, and bathrobes, and full length mirror. Here in Israel there is one dinky little mirror, a step stool for your stuff, and pubes floating around. And you have to pay extra form a towel. But the shomeret gives LOTS of brachot and doesn’t chat.

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