Halachos of cup size.

Lauren ODESA New Jersey women asked the world to stare at her chest and decide if they agree that she is too busty to work at a frum lingerie shop. A frum lingerie shop? Indeed. You think the internet is not for frum people? Well think again.  Native Intimates, a frum owned lingerie shop, fired her showing too much of her Har G’rizim and Har Aival. You can visit them on Facebook and ogle over other images of the busty, curvy women who don these fine samples of undergarments.  We recommend that you take you laptop or tablet to the bathroom and close the door so that no one walks in on you while you contemplate the sensation of the silky soft skin, the lace tickling, as it slowly drops to the floor.  You can even buy many of the fine bigdei kodesh on eBay, when you are done doing what you are going to do.

This makes me wonder about shiurim. Now that I have measured my tefach (which I thought was only about 3 to 4 inches, but has amazingly grown to a full 5.5 inches while checking out the pictures above), I turn my attention to the more newsworthy measurement — the volume of a kos. Everyone knows that we frummies need a minimum cup size.  But did you know there is a maximum?

We know that 1 log is equal to 6 eggs, a revi’is is 1/4 of a log, and 1 kav is equal to 4 logs. Regular kiddush requires a revi’is. And that’s not much — only about 3.3 oz according to most liberal poskim.  But what is the relationship between cup size and volume? As it turns out, there is a mathematical formula for calculating this.  Assuming the semi-spherical shape of the average women, the formula for her volume is V= (2 times pi times radius cubed)/ 3  Applying this to the average range of women this yields the following calculations:

A very tiny 32A cup contains about 8.1 oz — which is well more that the liberal measurement of a revi’is (3.3 oz), and even larger than the Chazon Ish shuir (a bit over 5 oz).  In fact, if you had a 1 log kos, this flat chested girl would still be considered rov kos. The more middle of the road, but still not zaftig 36B has twice the volume of her little friend.  Each of her cups measure in at an even 16 oz of fluid.

But this woman who was fired from the frum lingerie store, she looks a bit bigger than a 36B.  Venture to guess a 44C (that’s 40 fl oz)? I don’t think so.  She looks bigger than that to me. I think it’s possible that she’s a 46D — and the volume of a 46D breast is approximately 53 oz, which, assuming a 3.3 oz revi’is means that each one is equal to 1 kav (3.3 oz * 4 * 4 = 52.8 oz) or 1.5 liters. Wow, that’s a lot of mashkeh.

Assuming I got my math right (which is a big assumption, since I went to yeshiva, and we did not take limudei chol very seriously), I think this women must be carrying a good pair of kav-sized  shadayim.  And considering this is 16 times the volume of a revi’is I think it’s fair to say it would be achilas gasa. That’s way too much for any frum man to consume.

Bottom line:  whereas I’m sorry she got fired, I think she was expecting too much from her frum boss. There is only so much this guy could take. He works at a lingerie shop, and probably shucks more corn than a Kansas farmer. Honestly she could make more money in the frum community by lending a helping hand to young men in need who appreciate the gifts of a large women. I think there is spa called “Yad Ezrah laKollel” who pays the relaxation assistants about $60 per visitor.

If you are still searching for frum lingerie, check out 4Torah.com

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • DK

    I dont think you know what 46D looks like. This isnt it.

    • Lumdish

      And now we know something about mrs. telz angel (who is apparently not a 46D) and also something about DK’s experience as a fit expert.

  • Matt

    Slurpee cups. Frummies can’t down the Extreme Gulp. And her Pina Colatas aren’t OU Certified.

    • Anonymous

      lmao

  • Michael K

    I heart boobs.

  • http://latino.foxnews.com/latino/news/2012/05/22/gloria-allred-blasted-by-too-hot-for-job-latina/ Alter Cocker

    She’s being represented by Allred. Allred’s previous client is not too pleased. Link in name.

  • Crowin’ Cock

    Shop owner must have been a vuzvuz. Any Sephardi that reads Shir Hashirim would know how to appreciate her towering assets ;)

  • Jesse

    Hilarious. You are the funniest satirist I have ever read – with due respect to Heshy. In the spirit of Dave Barry, Shlita.

  • Four Knuckle Shuckle

    Excellent analysis!

  • Rebecca

    I can’t help but laugh at your mathematics, Telz. Very, very funny. In a kind of sick way…..

    • Telz Angel

      “Very, very funny. In a kind of sick way”
      Thank you. That was exactly my goal.

  • Reverend Larry

    “I do not feel an employer has the right to impose their religious beliefs on me when I’m working in a business that’s not a synagogue, but sells things with hearts on the female genitals and boy shorts for women that say hot in the buttocks area,” she said.

    I would like to invite Ms. Odes to join our Congregation, where not only would she be most welcome to lecture as a guest Rabbah on the maalos of cholov yisroel, but her immeasurable gadlus would even qualify her to join the Moetzes.

  • dadim gedolim

    shodayim nochoinu v at erim veryah. you menuval!

  • joe

    You people are all idiots….this is not funny….the owner happens to be an amazing baal hesed and she is just a con artist who is taking this too far….. chill out everyone and the one who invited her to his shule must be the guy who goes to the back room at scores!

  • Jesus

    Why dont they use some words in English here I can at least understand. You would never hear of a man being fired for being too handsome.

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