Another persons experience at the Asifa

By:   Reverend Larry Kleinschmeckle

They told me Reb Nachman would get me out of gehenom no matter how much internet I use.

The Na Nachs one upped Chabad and actually showed up at CitiField. I looked high and low and all I found was one Chabad dude who looked kind of lost, and to be honest shouldn’t really qualify since he had a colored shirt, no gartel, and his hat wasn’t even smashed the right way.

But the Na Nachs did us proud and distributed lots of pamphlets about what to do if you already went on the Terrible Internet, and found those unspeakable geferliche sites, and …  … … are now looking for a painless tikkun for your neshama so you can be happy and be Breslov again.

 

That was the extent of it.  Two Na Nachs doing the Breslov thing in the parking lot.

 

Inside, there were some forty thousand assorted: chassidim, ex-chassidim, tuna bagels, heimishe balei batim, Lakewood kollel guys, Lakewood coffee room hockers, Lakewood guys that work, a five towns guy that works and wears a blue shirt but still has his black hat and brought it to the Asifa.  Hatzolah, Chaveirim, Misaskim, other askanim, Shomrim, heck, the only guys missing were the chassidish firefighters from Monroe.

There were even seventy three Yiddish speaking, overweight secret service members, earpieces included. Along with their trademark white polo shirts, sunglasses, shiny woolen pants with tons of keys, bluetooths(besides the earpieces), and ugly black sneakers.

 

The diversity even stretched so far to include those poor chofetz chaim dudes in Section 523 – yes you guys that sat all the way on top, (I told you folks you’ll get favorable mention). Man, did I feel bad for them, they sat there in their shabbos best, suits & ties, with their hats bent down, and valiantly listened to hours of speeches of which they didn’t understand a word.

Oh, don’t get me started on the live Yiddish-English translation ticker, the guy either didn’t know Yiddish, English, or was using the artscroll gemara as reference. Or all three.

I mean, there were stuff going on up there about … “our savior”,  the “Dark Negative Forces”,  Moses and King David declaring Rabbinical edicts,  the “Lies of Judaism” -(at that point I actually started to feel bad for the guy), “Husks of Impurity”, and who knows what else.

They even had these random good old chassidishe maaisehs on that ticker during mincha shmoneh esrei, for whomever finished davening in like twenty seconds. Or for the guys who don’t daven anymore since they don’t believe in it because of the Internet but showed up anyway because it’s mad cool to see 83 Rebbes in a baseball stadium sneaking peeks at the Kiss Cam.

Hell, I always wanted to see greasy guys with brisker payos scratching their sefira stubble on the big screen ( epic moment, I’m kicking myself for missing that pic).

Or watch the ushers faces as they listen to R’ Don Segal’s Bnei Brak horror stories about starving  yungeleit who start working part time on the internet and stay childless.

The puzzled look of utter befuddlement on that guys face was priceless.

I mean, who wouldn’t want to hear Rabbi Wachsman thunder about our children turning into “click vegetables” (!!) clicking online endlessly in this web of conflagration. He also decided to give a crash course in Jewish philosophy a ‘la Artscroll style to all of our unaffiliated Jewish brethren undoubtedly watching across the Nation (he said that, not me).  He started out with a self-styled pledge of allegiance, about loving, cherishing, and respecting this great country, and that frum Jews are very humble, and don’t need their events broadcasted in the populist media. He did a sort of condensed Kuzari Argument, and proclaimed that we gave the western world its morals. There was also something about elitism, and the dysfunctional broken souls of all of American society, and all of the worlds empires rising up against us, but he lost me somewhere in the highfalutin flowery proclamations.

I did hear him say, though, that even though my generation of 20-35 year olds might be too far gone in the 49nth shaar of tumah enmeshed in the web of the internet … HaKadosh Baruch Hu still misses us.

Oh well, sometimes I miss him too.

There must be something about his style, there was all this revivalist rally type cheering going on. That, plus the God missing me thingy, really gave me the feeling that if I’d only just let the gedolim into my heart…

The Skulener Rebbe started getting me spooked with some hardcore mysticism about a war with the Dark Side, the Klippos (“husks”, in case that helps) that are causing all this cancer and all other misfortunes. (I’m assuming he meant molestation and unemployment).

This Dark Energy and general bad Karma transforms us into beasts and animals when we succumb to the same instincts as the four legged creatures by surfing the web.

Somewhere along the way he must have lost the Litvish Roshei Yeshiva, who were looking pretty nonplussed at all the Dark Side talk.

 

I kept getting distracted by the contrast of the Skulener Rebbe near the “Grab a Bud” and SubWay Foot longs, not to mention this sixty something Satmar dude from Williamsburg who kept telling me perverted jokes and asking if I hook up with “Nekeivois”(females). Afterwards I found out that he’s a world famous badchan and singer.

Then R’ Matisyahu started his  ”?? ??????? ??????” that seems to make it to every speech of his, and about how protecting our children is the core of our continuity, which sounded suspiciously like what they were saying at that rally outside for the off the derech people who felt left out.

 

All of this was getting me really nervous about my addiction to bais yaakov porn sites so I started checking out what the 7,359 tweeters covering the Asifa had to say. Apparently we had hit speeds of over a tweet a second from all the people with triple filtered smartphones that need twitter because they’re in Shomrim, or for Kiruv.

Although, Kiruv shouldn’t be a heter, as the Zhibo’er Dayan from Montreal told us, that we’re worse off today than in the days of the Chasam Sofer when the frum tzibur had to split from all the other non-heimishe kehillos because of Reform, Zionism, and Feminism (he forgot that one). Then at least we knew who the resha’im were, but nowadays someone who sits front of “An Internet” becomes completely assur behana’ah, and therefore we need to have separate communities again.

 

I kept getting asked by ushers, policemen, reporters, and other people from the outside world that we were warned not to speak to because we might not properly give over the message of the Asifa and might chas vesholom cause a chillul hashem. (I now see what they meant)  They all couldn’t seem to comprehend that only men were allowed to chareidi revival gatherings. The only ones who seemed to “get it” were the cavemen protesting outside at the flagrant use of such technologies such as video hookups, cell phones and the wheel, which are k’neged the Mesorah passed down to us from Adam Harishon. They were just there show their approval and were curious where we hide our women during such events.

However, some of the cavegirls were pretty hot in their cave outfits, so they were escorted by the police to stand near those annoying protesters who don’t stop talking about kids being molested, as if those crazy stories really ever happen. And like we should believe some not frum bums & dropouts that ehrliche Rabbeim and Mechanchim do such mishugene things.  Everyone needs some excuse why they went off the derech.

There also seemed to be a lot of chassidish kids staring at the pickets trying to figure out what sexual means. Talk about corrupting kids.

   I did manage to interview some chosuve Mechanchim as they were leaving the Asifa (that went way into overtime, ending at midnight).  Although they didn’t seem to have any idea what exactly was accomplished about this Internet thing, they felt that it was a gevaldige chizuk to see so much achdus among all the different streams of Klal Yisroel, and seeing and hearing the great giants of the generation from all groups come together, it will help people finally realize that according to all the Gedolim the Internet is mamash assur, even at work, and even with a filter.

But if you’re anyway going to have it, according to some Rabbonim it could be used at work, with two filters.

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  • Telz Angel

    Excellent! Love the “Oh, don’t get me started on the live Yiddish-English translation ticker, the guy either didn’t know Yiddish, English, or was using the artscroll gemara as reference. Or all three.” and the kiss-cam.

    I need to remove the klipot from my orange now. Husk Husk.

  • Where’s Waldo?

    “Lakewood coffee room hookers”

  • Woodrow/Conservadox

    What’s a tuna bagel?

  • Reverend Larry

    Tuna bagel =Cool chassidish dudes that drive escalades, have four cell phones, two backup beepers, used to have cherry lights on their car before it went out of style, and a diminishing strand of curly Peyos behind their ear due to their (subconscious I’m sure) desire to blend in at the clubs.

    • Critic

      You left out-That wear black greasy vests.

      • Hot Tuna Bagelette

        Tuna’s turn me on.

        • Anonymous

          Why did the chasid take his kid to Amishtown? To show him what the chasidim looked like before they had keys and beepers.

          • U avi

            Now that is funny

      • heilige Reverend Larry

        No, you see those would be the ones without the polo shirts (now that would really be a classy match).

        In general, you have different breeds; you got the ones with everything else just add a Yankee cap variety, you have the vest and gold pocket watch on a chain-which is really cool and probably will be back in style in the village any day, the Jeans and fluent Yiddish assortment, and the Lipa wannabes variety who think it’s cooler to have a shtreimel and pink glasses.

  • Reverend Larry

    The ? ? ? ? ? in R Matisyahu’s speech is “Al Olaleinu Vetapeinu…” (Hebrew characters didn’t show up)

  • uncle mat

    7.20 pm in BMG the mashgiach announced these Takonos for the kollel and their family.
    1. No internet except for parnoso.
    2. Parnosos needs a heter from a Rav.
    3. Filtered only with a certification “mittam hayeshiva”
    4. Cell and wifi internet is absolutely forbidden.
    5. Who ever is oiver on the above has lost his place in yeshiva and has no right to learn in any of the yeshivas halls.

    • ModernOrthodoxObserver

      but what did he say about Zionism?

    • http://beismedrash.blogspot.com Lex Luthor

      He also made it very clear that these takanos are beyond the letter of the law and are only, as you say, for the kollel families.

      • http://beismedrash.blogspot.com Lex Luthor

        Also, (1) should be “No internet in the house except for parnoso.”

    • A. Nuran

      And their pronouncements must be obeyed by all Jews everywhere for all time

      • http://beismedrash.blogspot.com Lex Luthor

        See my first comment^.

  • zach

    Brilliantly done, Rev Kleinschmeckle!

    • Reverend Larry

      much thanks unto thee

  • Telz Angel

    Religious message: The Internet is evil. As frummers we should stay away from evil. However, money is not evil, no-sir-ee. Money is good. Money is holy. We need to make money. This is so central to klal yisrael that we grant a heter to use the evil Internet as long as you are doing so to make money. Because money is a force of kedusha so powerful that is overpowers the tumah of the internet.

    Booreech Ahhtooh A-Dollar, Lamdeini Chookechuh.

    May the money we make by using the internet for parnusuh be used for holy purposes, like posting bail for alleged molesters. ooomain.

    • T

      I just snorted the beer through my nose. Booreech Ahhtooh A-Dollar! Yes sirree, that’s funny stuff.

  • Starving yungerman in Bnei Brak considering moving to Lakewood

    Uncle Matt – how machmir are the Poskim over there as far as when there’s a heter to work ?
    please respond asap as it’s mamish a safeik pikuach nefesh involved.

  • Dan

    Terrific.
    (Posted on my phone.)

    • Reverend Larry

      much bigger aveira to use internet on your phone, ayin the lakewood takonos.
      Hocheiach tocheeach.

  • Reverend Larry

    I gotta say, I was being just a tad sarcastic when I wrote those last two lines about only having double filtered Internet at work, but after reading the new Lakewood yeshiva Takonos- (http://failedmessiah.typepad.com/failed_messiahcom/2012/05/lakewood-yeshiva-bans-internet-345.html)
    …it appears that Poe’s Law has a solid basis in actual fact.

  • Reverend Larry

    I gotta say, I was being just a tad sarcastic when I wrote those last two lines about only having double filtered Internet at work, but after reading the new Lakewood yeshiva Takonos …it appears that Poe’s Law has a solid basis in actual fact.

  • Anonymous

    YAWN

  • anon

    why did the Zibo Rav from montreal speak?

    • Zhibo’er Rav

      yes, i have lots of $$$$$$$$.
      jealous ?

  • Carlsberger Rebbe

    Checking things out post asifa. Isn’t it strange to anyone that it was organized by yeshivaNet, a filter company? The email to order tickets was none other than asifatickets@yeshivanet.com I read reports of a filter expo also being at the event. Am I the only conspiracy theorist out there? Why aren’t more people making this connection? The way to order tickets is from a company’s domain!

  • uncle mat

    After screaming the Takonos in BMG , R’ Salomon went to Bais Faige and spoke to women only. He read out the Takonos and explained they apply to the whole household not just the husband. He warned that a pearlperry situation will duplicate if they don’t follow the rules. All the women bowed their heads in shame and shouted , Mashgiach will live forever and ever.
    And remember, you read it here first! Live from BMG.

    • Anonymous

      What are you talking about? Pearlperry is alive and well in lakewood. She takes cash.

      • Pearlperry

        Well yes, but it really depends on your shtender size, if you get my shuckle.
        Not to mention the extra Sefira charge (no, I’m not into that).

        But I agree with the Raboonim, if not for the Internet I never would have known that what my husband was doing was called “abuse” and I’d have been just fine.

        • well hung in BMG

          Pearl,
          meet me at the corner of sqanqum and Princeton after night seder, by the blue 99′ grand Marquis.
          I’m really desperate, my wife has Aquaphobia and cannot go to the mikva (yes, we haven’t done it in four years), and now my computer is being confiscated by the vaad ha’internet so I’m left with no choice. Please, it’s either you or the Spanish cleaning lady who looks to young to have caught anything but with goyim who knows.
          Your mamish saving me from being oiver the takonos and therefore stealing mamon hekdesh by continuing to learn in yeshiva.

  • Alter Cocker

    “The Na Nachs one upped Chabad and actually showed up at CitiField. ”

    How is that one upping Chabad?

    • Reverend Larry

      well for one, chabad had no one there.
      essentially, I see the future of Klal Yisroel depending on either Chabad Meshichists or NaNachs, as they are the only ones who are keeping the faith relevant by a adopting a proactive, progressive approach to contemporary Jewish theology.
      As opposed to the Chareidi system, where they believe that Moshiach won’t come until google’s servers crash.

      • http://ha-mayvinyavin.blogspot.com/2012/02/you-dont-have-tv-and-none-of-your.html Alter Cocker

        I just meant that one upping means that one side does something and the other does more in an effort to outdo them. Chabad wasn’t there at all, so they couldn’t be one upped.

        • Dan

          I think lots of chabad were there. The dans deals people were there

          • http://ha-mayvinyavin.blogspot.com/2012/02/you-dont-have-tv-and-none-of-your.html Alter Cocker

            ok, maybe you’re right. I don’t know. I was just responding to what the good reverend said (that no chabad were there and thus another group having someone there was “one-upping” chabad).

  • skverer angel

    The asifa protest was a letdown, WOMEN HAVE FACES they were telling us, yes I’m very well aware of that, and I can tell you that they have much more then that, and THATS THE PROBLEM

  • BZ

    Re: Chabad: has no one seen this from the Crown Heights Beis Din?
    http://www.chabad.info/index.php?url=article_en&id=27118
    Basically, “we agree with everything the Asifa stands for. The Internet is evil and must be banned, but feel there’s no reason to attend the rally because we already know all this. If you feel it will be helpful to you personally, then, by all means, attend”

    • Crowin’ Cock

      BZ,

      Interesting. It seems that the CH rabbis are trying to forbid their flock from visiting the Crown heights news/schmooze sites until they accept censorship. Pathetic.

      They are also paraphrasing one of the Rebbe’s sichos regarding TV. Seems that they forgot the Sicha about how certain things can be used for both good and bad, example given is a knife that can be used to cut challah or to kill.

      • BZ
        • Crowin’ Cock

          No one needs to explain internet dangers to me, I work online 10+ hours per day. Filtering the internet isn’t an option for me, though my family account at home has the built in settings set appropriately.

          It’s just simple common sense. If you’re going to have an internet connection at home, make sure that your computer is password protected, keep the computer in a visible area and supervise your kids if you let them use the internet for any reason. It’s what we’ve been doing for years, and it works fine.

          These rabbis never came out with an asifa against the magazines or x rated videos we had back in our yeshiva days. They never came out with an asifa against TV, nor against the rampant use of zonas in certain chassidic communities.

          I think they feel very threatened by the internet, it’s seems that it’s too much knowledge and power to allow the simple observant Jew to access.

          Too bad. They would be better off channeling their energy in developping more “frum friendly” web sites, plugging into to the untapped power to reach and teach Torah to the masses.

    • Critic

      Not so.The link you posted leads to the Meshechit faction’s blog.The truth of the matter is that the two rabonim that signed are of the Meshichist faction.Of the two that signed one has had his credentials questioned and is being summoned to a din Torah by the non-meshichist rabonim,which means that only one meshichite rav signed on to the above sited letter.

  • Prag

    This post was hilarious, thanks for the chuckle.

    • Reverend Larry

      thanks man, I really appreciate it.
      Although marvelous middos machine unfairly left us out, bloggers got feelings too, not just hippopotamuses.

  • rebbetzin t.hell poe

    u obviousely must be an ex yeshiva guy as we can see from your lack of writing skilll,so u cant be completely blamed fro ignoring the intellectual ideals brought out by this great and important asifa,hence u fall back to cheap shots and bad humor to excuse your dissociation from whats real.i pray that u return to the fold “revrend”larry small in many ways!

    • http://latino.foxnews.com/latino/news/2012/05/22/gloria-allred-blasted-by-too-hot-for-job-latina/ Alter Cocker

      “u obviousely must be an ex yeshiva guy as we can see from your lack of writing skilll,so u cant be completely blamed fro ignoring the intellectual ideals brought out by this great and important asifa,hence u fall back to cheap shots and bad humor to excuse your dissociation from whats real.i pray that u return to the fold “revrend”larry small in many ways!”

      Wow, where do I even start with this? There’s so much wrong with this post…

    • Reverend Larry

      As a man of the cloth I assure you that I most definitely appreciate the profound and lofty ideals of Papal Infallibility that were so eloquently presented at this historic convention. I think it is tragic that so many of our brethren have been led astray by the unfortunate rejection of this cornerstone of the Faith by various nonsensical arguments based on pointless reasoning that only misleads innocent souls still untainted with heresy.

      May we merit the restoration of the Holy Inquisitors Office which will root out the great Satan of impurity that is the Internet.

      Amen.

    • R’ Elyashiv

      Ich farshtei nisht. If you’re that he was a yeshiva bochur, then lchoira he should be masig the amkus of the Asifa. And if Pshat is that you hold that only chassidim are zoiche to the madreiga of hiskashrus with the gedoilim and tzadikim who were moiser nefesh to come to a baseball stadium even though it’s a geferliche zach for the Neshama, then how could you use the taana of ” intellectual ideals”, which goes against inzer gantze Mesoirah.

  • Carlos