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Let the Asifa spoofs begin

{ 74 comments… add one }
  • A. Nuran May 4, 2012, 9:10 PM

    Maybe a bit too true…

  • anon fellow May 5, 2012, 8:01 AM

    Gross – Those guys and that subject. Makes me want to throw up.

    • A. Nuran May 6, 2012, 4:23 AM

      Why does the subject want to make you throw up? I’m completely serious. What’s so disgusting about something just about everyone does as long as you aren’t doing it out in public and fr9ghtening the horses?

      The guys in the picture don’t carbonate my hormones, but what’s so terrible about them?

      • anon fellow May 6, 2012, 4:39 PM

        Not sure. All men do it, so the concept doesn’t bother me at all. I guess it’s a private thing – so seeing pictures of a group of men in the context of that topic makes me feel uncomfortable.

        Perhaps any discussion of that topic in a public forum makes me uncomfortable.

  • Turd Degree May 5, 2012, 6:21 PM

    Sorry, but I’m afraid very few people will, err, come if women are excluded.

  • Wanky Doodle. May 5, 2012, 6:23 PM

    Needless to say, this Asifa is long overdue and it’s very gratifying that we’re finally taking a, err, hands-on approach to this problem.

    Deep down, we all knew that outright bans against such a universal human practice were totally unrealistic, and that if we only lowered our expectations about what can be achieved, we could probably come up with a workable set of solutions that would keep the spiritual, err, fallout down to a bare minimum.

    It’s important to remember that we’re all fallible, and that no one can feel cocksure about his ability to, err, get a grip of himself when faced with temptation.

    • John May 7, 2012, 6:17 AM

      You made a spelling error. It should be, “we’re all phallable.”

  • shlomo2 May 5, 2012, 7:20 PM

    THIS AD IS NOT FUNNY……. I do it and hate it, I feel guilty that my neshama is going to burn in hell. I try to stop, but can’t. My Rebbi said before I got married it is my job that I have to satisfy my wife’s needs. I never understand it since male’s have more a sexual drive. It should be the other way around. Women should satisfy their husband’s everynight so that they won’t spill their seeds. I don’t even get the shetle stuff. when my wife takes her wig off she looks horrible. Her hair is matted and I am totally unattractive to her. She looks better wearing a wig. Besides, the wig or head covering makes women lose their hair! I just want to go to Rick’s Cabaret and get the early lap dance special for $150 after work and have fifteen minutes of hot fun!

    • Anonymous May 6, 2012, 10:46 AM

      I agree with you, its not funny. Addiction to masturbation / porn is a serious issue for people who are suffering from it & nothing to joke about. There is a website GuardYourEyes for people with masturbation / internet porn problems.

      The thing about obligation to satisfy my wifes needs, probably does not apply nowadays, when we are monogamous. Back in the day, when we were polygamous, older wife(s) who were running the household did not get that much attention from the husband then younger wife(s), so their rights have to be protected.

  • shlomo May 5, 2012, 7:24 PM

    THIS IS NOT FUNNY – I do it all the time and don’t want my soul to burn in hell. I feel horrible with what I do. Why would H-shem put such a hard restriction on us? Before I got married my Rebbi said that I have to satisfy my wife. It should be the other way around, my wife should satisfy me every night so I don’t do this stuff. I don’t get the whole head covering stuff… my wife’s hair looks gross at night and is matted. She looks better with a wig. I go to Rick’s Cabaret for the early $150 special and have fifteen minutes of hot fun!

    • Jesse May 5, 2012, 10:17 PM

      I hope Shlomo is satirizing

  • Eli May 5, 2012, 7:59 PM

    The blue-shirted shkotz looks like he’s covering something…

  • Get laid May 5, 2012, 10:06 PM

    Truth is most of the look like they haven’t gotten laid in a while!

  • Sam May 5, 2012, 10:12 PM

    Honestly, these people are prob dying of shame. This pix is everywhere! I just wonder wat their wives have to say…..

    • pp May 5, 2012, 10:42 PM

      The gadol made me do it.

  • butthead May 5, 2012, 10:53 PM

    huh huh, this sucks

  • cool guy May 6, 2012, 6:16 AM

    It is all in YOUR hands!

    • Sam May 6, 2012, 9:23 AM

      Yup, it’s in the rabbi’s hands……

      • cool guy May 6, 2012, 9:58 AM

        I would prefer to have seen at the bottom:
        ‘How to use your dick responsibly’

  • Samael May 6, 2012, 11:26 AM

    I think Jewish male neurosis about masturbation is a beautiful part of our cultural heritage.

    • Meshugah May 7, 2012, 10:03 AM

      “What are you doing in that bathroom? Open this door!”

  • Haimishe Ex-Kollel Dude May 6, 2012, 12:14 PM

    Top Ten Reasons to Masturbate (and Attend and Support the Masturbation Rally)

    #10. You’re trying to quit the internet and you gotta do something with your hands.
    #9. The Chofetz Chaim Heritage Foundation videos are so damn boring.
    #8. You want to have sex with a relative but you fear being labeled a Rebbe or Rosh Yeshiva.
    #7. Just wanted to make sure everything still worked, you know?
    #6. Next conjugal visit still a week away.
    #5. It’s cheaper than Zoloft & Xanax.
    #4. Eases the strain and anxiety of Boro Park traffic.
    #3. It keeps you from hitting all the people who really need hitting.
    #2. Don’t have to count days first.
    #1. Because (drum roll) it’s there.

    • OCTOMOM SPECIAL May 6, 2012, 2:45 PM

      You really learned in Kollel?

      • Haimishe Ex-Kollel Dude May 6, 2012, 3:02 PM

        hmmm… ahhh… ummm… not learned. kinda sat around pushing time

    • A. Nuran May 6, 2012, 3:04 PM

      #11 It’s yichud with someone you love

  • OCTOMOM SPECIAL May 6, 2012, 2:18 PM

    I’m trying to get pregnant like Octomom. So I go to this fertility clinic. They want a SEMEN SAMPLE to do a SEMEN ANAYLYSIS. But the only Kosher way is to do it together with a rubber on.

    But it makes my husband nervous, and so we have no semen. We show up for our appointment to submit and our cup is emtpy.

    The other option is for him to masturbate. Do we ask a Rav or choose not to ask?????

    • Haimishe Ex-Kollel Dude May 6, 2012, 3:12 PM

      A Skverer BJ may work…. y’know where he does his deal onto a spoon and gives it to you 🙂

    • Cool guy May 6, 2012, 6:40 PM

      You have to think positively ‘is the cup half full?’

  • shlomo22 May 6, 2012, 4:42 PM

    I go to the Asian Massages and for $60 an hour they take care of my little Peacock! 🙂

  • Ben May 6, 2012, 11:39 PM

    Very cute!
    There’s one point about this whole “asifa” I think many people are missing. One of the people behind this whole thing is a guy by the name of Nechemia Gottlieb. Google his name and you’ll see a bunch of articles linking him to this BS.
    Thirteen years ago, Nechemia Gottlieb opened a school in Lakewood called Bais Hatorah, where he routinely beat the children to the point of wounding them, as a standard form of discipline. Capital punishment was encouraged by him for all the rebbeim teaching there. All the children were subject to his sadistic beatings. I’m not talking about a “patch”. I’m talking punching, slapping, kicking, throwing kids on the ground and stepping on them.
    I went to that hell of a school for five years. And no, I’m not “off the D”, I’m not “forever emotionally scarred” (or maybe I am?), and I’m not hating on all rabbis because of one sicko. I’m just baffled by the fact that no one has mentioned this. It’s not a secret; talk to any kid who went to that school “back in the day” and they’ll tell you what went on. I once needed to be hospitalized after my head was slammed into a metal desk because I was talking in class. I was ten years old.
    Nechemia Gottlieb is a sick, evil man and it’s disgusting that this is the piece of s*** that the rabbis put in charge of their big campaign.

    • David Tamar May 7, 2012, 4:58 AM

      I am well aware of lots of the evil things gotlieb has done but I am less familiar with what took place in that school. You sound real and I hope you can contact me about it, even if you want to remain anonymous. I cant say yet what Ill be doing with all the information but at least Ill have a more complete package at the end of the day.
      You can email me at davidt@campsci.com

      • Anonymous May 7, 2012, 11:00 PM

        I also was there I also got beaten by him and that Kline guy there both not good people to be oround

    • Shmoke May 7, 2012, 7:12 AM

      Capital Punishment?? He killed students?

      • Ben May 7, 2012, 8:18 AM

        Sorry, I meant corporal. Great comment.

  • Shragi Getzel May 7, 2012, 7:49 AM

    A quote from Mark Twain:
    ” My illustrious predecessor has taught you that all forms of
    the “social evil” are bad. I would teach you that some of these
    forms are more to be avoided than others. So, in concluding, I
    say, “If you must gamble your lives sexually, don’t play a lone
    hand too much.” When you feel a revolutionary uprising in your
    system, get your Vendome Column down some other way–don’t jerk it

  • Four Knuckle Shuckle May 7, 2012, 7:59 AM

    I expect workshops with the following titles:

    1) Lube is not just for Lubavitch — the benefits (and drawbacks) of lubrication in your self-satisfaction: Vasilene, Jergens or Dry you decide.

    2) The chiddush of the Western Grip – Can using your non-dominant hand (thumb towards the base) highten your experience?

    3) Your Makom K’vuah – same place every time or can you rub one out anywhere?

  • Just saying May 7, 2012, 11:17 AM

    I would of replaced coming with cuming.

  • Anonymous May 7, 2012, 3:29 PM

    I actually had a guy in my school, who thought that it was a mitzvah for shabbos (“oneg shabbos”). Poor basterd was very upset when he find out that it was not allowed.

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