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Find me a shidduch: Into BDSM and Math

I know a lot of you may not want to admit this, but frum people may actually have sexual preferences. It also appears that sexual preferences are quite important, but there’s no way that this sort of thing could make it into the shidduch resume template for some time – because frum Jews are typically squeamish when it comes to sex. Heck, most rabbis don’t even use the word sex and when frummies espouse their homophobia they use words like “disgusting”. So of course mentioning your sexual preferences may seem to be a bit drastic for many people, I’m willing to bet that there are some people to whom it may even be one of the basis for the relationship in the first place. For instance this one fan of mine is looking for a marriage partner who is into BDSM and Math…

I relatively little experience with this sort of thing, first off I’ve been shomer negiah for my entire life, but before I was reincarnated into my current self I dated someone who told me she hadhandcuffs, whips, chains and one of those red ball gags – being the regular old frum guy that I am – I called the shadchan and had her blacklisted for her obvious illness and obsession with violence in the bedroom. Since then my mind has been opened, I’ve become immoral and joined the liberals in the fight for freedom of expression in the bedroom and have adopted the mindset of live and let live.

So how do you go about finding a girl someone to marry when one of her preferences is so unfamiliar to many in general society. Luckily she’s not asking for much, just someone to be open to BDSM, but of course the most important thing is that he’s into math, another thing that is probably not common on shidduch resumes. I have noticed that many frum people, especially girls tend to leave out the things that make them unique – like willingness to be dominated and the ability to use a Texas Instruments calculator efficiently. Telling me that your friends think you’re a baal chesed and that you want a learning guy is too generic these days.

With all that said and done, thank God this girl in mind is not frum. She grew up frum, but she needs a dude who’s into math and abstract politics. She told me that she’s so hard to set up because of all this, but in my mind it makes it easier to weed out all the regular old folks. She’s in NY and looking for a dude between the ages of 26 and 36, wondering why all the interesting people get married last. This is because the generic people don’t need anyone specific and tend to get along better than us weird and interesting folks. She is 5″6, wants a dude with blue eyes and she’s not so into overweight, though big dudes are fine.

If you do know of anyone please send me an email…

Find more shidduch resumes at 4torah.com

{ 29 comments… add one }
  • Dan March 21, 2012, 7:12 AM

    She’s into BDSM? Date a sfardi! hee hee.

    • Meir March 21, 2012, 8:37 AM

      So I’m into math and abstract politics, but I’m 2 years too young, not in New York, and not into BDSM …

    • sephardi January 12, 2013, 4:13 PM

      Dan, your an ass… I know plenty of Askanazei who have problems gettin it up!!

  • Dan March 21, 2012, 7:13 AM

    Is the math part of the fetish also? Does she want him to force her to solve complicated problems while he stands over her with whips and chains?

    • T March 28, 2012, 8:34 PM

      My spouse considers mental math to be a form of flagellation.

  • OfftheDwannaB March 21, 2012, 8:06 AM

    I don’t really want to date this girl, but can she make recordings of her therapy sessions and email them to me? I’m sure they’re much more interesting than mine.

    • U avi March 21, 2012, 9:26 AM

      awesome.

    • An-on March 21, 2012, 10:14 AM

      All you need to do is read a few of Daphne Merkin’s articles.

    • the girl from the post March 22, 2012, 9:30 PM

      Probably, I get existentially anxious about my world. But I’m not in therapy. 🙂

  • U avi March 21, 2012, 9:26 AM

    Ball gag and a frummy, wow I would be impressed even from a secular girl….

  • An-on March 21, 2012, 10:18 AM

    “I have a pretty good grasp of practical politics and political theory, but WTH is abstract politics? AHHHHHHH”

    -says the dude she’s dating as she drips hot wax onto his testicles.

  • ummmmmm.... March 21, 2012, 10:34 AM

    “wants a dude with blue eyes” can prove to be limiting…imho…

    • the girl from the post March 22, 2012, 9:31 PM

      I’m open to non blue eyed people, but I have a tendency to date engineers with blue eyes?

      • Frank Truth April 15, 2012, 9:14 PM

        Mathematical physics, BDSM, infrared thermal imaging, power quality assurance, PdM, energy efficiency, thermodynamics, fuzzy logic-AI-neural nets, gourmet pescetarian chef on a mission to alter the future of mankind.

  • Milton Pincus March 21, 2012, 11:23 AM

    Wow, for a second there, I thought it was a political fetish, looking for someone into Boycott, Divest and Sanction.

  • Tinok ShenishBeth March 21, 2012, 2:12 PM

    I think more info is required – ‘into BDSM’ is way too broad. Is she a sub, Domme, switch? Any IRL experience? Does she have any specific fetishes? If she’s looking for a boy who wants SST and you get her a Daddy Dom, it’s not going to work…just saying.

    • Anonymous March 21, 2012, 3:22 PM

      I think she probably just read “50 Shades”.

      • the girl from the post March 22, 2012, 9:38 PM

        Actually I’m more of a Marquis Du Sade or a Pauline Reage type.

        • T March 28, 2012, 8:47 PM

          The stories or the actions of the person? Didn’t sound like he was into asking for consent from his “partners”.

  • KosherUnicorn March 22, 2012, 3:25 AM

    No need to exclude the frum guys. There are plenty of frum accountants into BDSM. The safety word is ‘audit.’

    – Yisroel

  • sarah March 22, 2012, 11:25 PM

    Frum Judaism is the most fetishistic thing EVER so BDSM should raise zero eyebrows here. I figure you could do a pretty good Story of O set in a yeshiva. It’s got all the costumery, rules, male clubbiness and hierarchies. YIKES!

  • bb April 5, 2012, 8:08 PM

    wait and u will find mr, right nothing worng with bdsm

  • also an Eagle Scout, so I'm good with rope September 27, 2012, 11:59 AM

    A few questions:

    How old is our candidate?

    I try to avoid politics, but I understand the button suggesting the integral of 2xdx from 10 to 13, though I don’t intend to take up the offer. Oh, also blue eyes, and a penchant for a damsel in distress. Will I do?

    Are not-quite-classified Charedim out of the question? Shabbos, Toirah, pronouncing it “Toirah,” and the like?

  • Micha'el October 16, 2012, 10:25 AM

    If anything, I would ‘need’ a math tutor, to help me understand all levels of math. But if she’s a submissive, passive, wealthy, rich, kind, sweet, rich, Jewish, cougar, or sugar momma that, likes being tied, spanked, tuchus groped, and massaged then teaches me math skills, would be sweet. I only prefer submissive, passive, sweet, kind, chesty, and curvy tuchus women, who like to play hand maid, and let me spend her money on her and me. To have a Dominant man enjoy helping her orgasm, and to learn math variables, of the ratio to cum ejection from a woman about to have a spray hot cum shot. I don’t trust craigslist, yet if she is willing to move to Texas, she would be my personal heifer! 🙂

  • jewish slaveboy December 1, 2012, 6:44 PM

    math ? probably know how to add up bills and paying them.Dominant females like to be spoiled and pampered nice ad go on fetlife.com and look for the Jewish groups there sorry I am already married to a Jewish Dominant female

  • Meesha January 26, 2013, 4:45 PM

    my ex girlfriend in Israel loved the whole owned aspect I spanked her when she was out of order she complained but she really loved it and could nto get enough, as she loved being told to submit when I wanted too. I made her go to the Mikvah as part of the deal and I taught her to give good head and swallow was great alas she did not want kids. Looking for other women into being owned. Strictly Haredi Orthododox on the outside submissive slave slut in private what more can a fum guy ask for!

  • Frank_Truth December 5, 2014, 12:34 PM

    I am loving-kindness incarnate, and an ultra-loving, sexually sadistic Dom into BDSM, mathematics, thermodynamics, heterotic string theory, calabi-yau manifolds, topology (topologists tie better knots), science, nature, wildlife, chess, Martin Gardner, Scrabble, table tennis, kayaking, S&P futures, espumas, sous-vide cooking, Essene (no “essen”) devotion, entrepreneuring, inventing, helping humans and animals in distress, fixing things, fixing the world, conversing with wild alligators, and comforting those in need of comfort. Those who judge others with unconditional love will be judged by a father with unconditional love, those who judge others with a critical eye will be judged by a king using strict justice. Before the gate of justice is the attribute of kindness.

    My AOL email address is ultraempathy

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