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Is THIS what they’re teaching our children?!

(Jerusalem) The oilam hatorah is in an uproar following revelations at a recent gathering of veteran educators, community activists and Rabbonim. “It’s really quite shocking nobody has made a fuss about it until now,” said one askan, “this is our children’s chinuch, so we can’t be too careful.” The issue is the presence of a certain book called the Tanach, which is shockingly prevalent in our kehillah’s school curriculums. “It’s in almost every classroom!” Raged one Rebbe, “how can we allow our children to be exposed to such things?!”

Parents are showing great concern, too. One worried mother noted “In the beginning of the book we see Chavah talking to a snake that isn’t her husband; I don’t want my children thinking such behavior is b’derech hatoirah.” Many parents are also concerned about the images within the text. “It’s a book that mentions all sorts of treife animals, that’s not something my child should be learning in Cheder.” Also of concern is the amount of untzniusdike descriptions found throughout the text; our offices have obtained a copy of Tanach and rest assured we found a whole section of untzniusdike poetry.

Public outcry swiftly followed these revelations. Pashkvil wall posters went up warning the public of the dangers of the Tanach and condemning those who would brazenly publish it and make it available to the public. “Artscroll is destroying the yiddishe community by printing this garbage,” said one angry yungerman, “they shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it.” Already, many people are calling on the oilam remove copies of the Tanach from their possession, and to cross out passages of it quoted in other seforim.

As usual, Chabad completely ignored the new da’as toireh. They brazenly continue to advocate daily study from the Tanach, finishing the first five books every year and one of the books every month.

Mechanchim are split on how to deal with this new makkah. Some advocate crossing out the inappropriate passages, “I’m sure there’s a lot we can learn from it,” said one teacher, “so long as we make sure that our kinder aren’t exposed to ideas outside of our mesorah.” Others are taking a stricter approach and demand its immediate removal from all levels of the curriculum, as one veteran Morah put it “you wouldn’t let your child play with fire, chas v’shalom.”

Reached for comment, Rabbi Natan Slifkin attempted to start a sentence several times before sighing, shaking his head, and declaring “I give up,” before walking off.

David Lerner is studying to be a teacher. He really doesn’t like being told not to read certain books.

Find more banned books on 4torah.com

{ 31 comments… add one }
  • G March 13, 2012, 7:25 AM

    Amazing post.

  • mord March 13, 2012, 7:34 AM

    like! especially the slifkin paragraph.

    • Synapse March 13, 2012, 9:15 AM

      This, the rest was a good idea, and that was just hilarious.

  • Prag March 13, 2012, 7:36 AM

    How scary is it that I’m not even sure this is satire….

    • Alter Cocker March 13, 2012, 10:45 AM

      pretty obvious satirical post. I assume you’re joking.

  • Avrumy March 13, 2012, 10:05 AM

    Those people just can’t handle the truth.

  • Ken March 13, 2012, 10:24 AM

    Agree this was good and that the ending is particularly strong. lol.

  • Philo March 13, 2012, 10:54 AM

    Totally agree with this ban. After all, boys who read Tanach could end up thinking about a girl’s Moshe & Aaron, Chas veShalom

  • Telz Angel March 13, 2012, 10:55 AM

    Brilliant post. Really masterful. Especially the end.

  • Skeptic March 13, 2012, 11:13 AM

    Chabad doesn’t study Tanach (aside from Chumash). Their daily “recitation” of Tehillim is just that, recitation. No study or even (in most cases I’m familiar with) understanding. Most of the Chabadnikim I know treat the tehillim as just some sort of magic incantation that has special powers “up above”.

    • Critic March 13, 2012, 7:40 PM

      BS!!!!!! Another urban legend.I went through major portions of Tanach during my mesivta high school years at Bedford and Dean and that includes Tehillim.I clearly remember the name of the rebbi that taught Tehillim in second year mesivta.His name was Rav Ushpal AH.
      “Most of the Chabadnikim I know treat the tehillim as just some sort of magic incantation that has special powers up above.”
      I would say that most of Orthodox Judaisim from MO to UO treat Tehillim in the same manner.

    • Chabadnik July 1, 2018, 4:51 PM

      Where do you come up with this stuff man……Chabad chasiddim used to finish all of Neviim as a Bochur and all the rebbeim have Torah on tehillim understanding it according to pshat remez drush and sod…..you’re שנאת חנם is appalling…..there’s enough people outside of our people who hate and are trying to separate us don’t be apart of that…..kol tuv my friend….focus on your relationship with god and no one else’s cause it’s starting in fringe on your sanity

  • Admiral Man March 13, 2012, 11:55 AM

    I’ve long contended that if someone were to come here from another planet and first read the tanach and then go observe a “frum community,” they would have a very hard time saying one had anything to do with the other. The tanach recounts the experiences of men and women who interact with each, have s*x with each other (not always while married), seduce each other and lust after each other. And these are some of the heroes of the tanach! These restrictions placed by these communities on separating the genders and covering them up is no part of the tanach that I’ve studied.

    • Telz Angel March 13, 2012, 12:04 PM

      Wait, in your frum community men and women don’t seduce each other (not always while married — or sometimes yes)? You should move to another community.

    • Rebecca March 13, 2012, 6:05 PM

      Tanach is God speaking truth through man. Talmud is man’s version of what he thinks God meant. And the rabbis cannot agree on what He meant. I had no idea how illiterate of the Tanach the frum are. But that makes it easier to be a cult. If you never study Tanach for yourself, you will never know how far you have strayed from the truth of God.

      • Micah T March 14, 2012, 6:17 PM

        “Tanach is G-d speaking truth through man.” Brilliant, I agree. Our task, as observant Jews, is to filter out the inevitable distortions that occur between G-d and man.

  • A. Nuran March 13, 2012, 12:12 PM

    A whole magazine right in the ten-ring

  • OfftheDwannaB March 13, 2012, 12:31 PM

    This is a really awesome post except for the chabad ad in the middle. Actually, they already censor the tanach. No high school/bais medrash learns it as a seder, even while having 3 sedorim dedicated to gemara. And when you learn chumash as a little kid, you learn it through carefully selected, prescreened perushim.

    • David Lerner March 13, 2012, 5:19 PM

      I picked on Chabad a lot in my last posts, I decided to give then a break.

    • Critic March 13, 2012, 7:42 PM

      As I said in my above comment.BS!!!!!!!

      • OfftheDwannaB March 13, 2012, 8:39 PM

        What does ur comment have to do with mine?

        • Critic March 13, 2012, 9:42 PM

          It was directed at the portion of your comment where you stated
          “This is a really awesome post except for the chabad ad in the middle. Actually, they already censor the tanach”

        • Critic March 13, 2012, 9:47 PM

          It was directed at that portion of your comment where you state that “This is a really awesome post except for the chabad ad in the middle. Actually, they already censor the tanach. “

          • Critic March 13, 2012, 9:48 PM

            Darn double post.

          • OfftheDwannaB March 14, 2012, 3:13 AM

            Those are 2 separate comments. 1)This is a really awesome…
            2)Actually, they…

            I’ve never been to a chabad yeshiva, when I say “they”, I mean the they that David was referring to. The “oilam hatoirah”. Though from my understanding speaking to chabad friends, there are also cherry-picked prescreened perushim in elementary school. Don’t know about high school or BM.

            • Nummy March 14, 2012, 9:36 PM

              Nah, I teach in Chabad high school. We just did the story of the original Chet. In GREAT detail.

  • AztecQueen2000 March 13, 2012, 2:02 PM

    How DARE we read a book that includes hunting, women singing, and a curse that one has to work! Not to mention all those nice Jewish men joining the military…

  • chief doofis March 13, 2012, 2:03 PM

    Actually, there is stuff in the Gemara that would also make your head spin. For example, the debate about “Rov B’ki’im”. How, pray tell, does one become a “Baki”? Most of us ordinary folks, only have one chance in our lives to accomplish this feat, certainly little opportunity to become a “master” of it!
    Tanach in general, is not studied in yeshivot. Never having attended a Chabad school, I don’t know how much they learn or don’t learn. But, if you asked your typical Bet Medrash student, in any Yeshiva. the vast majority couldn’t NAME every sefer in Tanach, let alone claim to have studied it!

  • Woodrow/Conservadox March 13, 2012, 5:48 PM

    Re Mr. Lerner’s biographical data: how will we know what books are worth reading if we don’t have self-appointed censors telling us not to read them?

  • dov bennish March 19, 2012, 9:17 PM

    reb dovid a great and funny post keep up the comedy

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