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Tzfatim, Tzfatim and more Tzfatim

This post continues my letter to a disenchanted Litvak and describes the many different possible Mishechist options.

I debated including these in my letter to you, Reb Yid, but judging from the customs you described in your letter and the things I read on your kashrus blog, you are well accustomed to rigid extremes. Knowing how you won’t want be satisfied with the second-rate, I offer you the gold standard of Mishechism the Tzfatim. Before you protest that you’re not even Israeli, let me assure you that all nationalities can become tzfatim, just crop your hair to near baldness, leaving big puffs for payos. Have an extensive wardrobe? Leave it all behind, you won’t need it where you’re going! Dark, stained jacket, droopy, wide brimmed borsalino and sweat stained white shirt. Moshiach flag pins are a must.

Wake up, say Yechi, Modeh Ani, then hop on over to 770 Eastern Parkway where your bench at the farbrengen table awaits you. You’ll spend most of your waking hours there, though you will venture into the wilds of Manhattan for mivtzoim, protests and the occasional court appearances; when you leave make sure to bring 770 with you. Your bumper sticker plastered tefilin bag or briefcase should be well stocked with mikvah water, kos shel bracha, literature for B’nei Noach and your favorite volume of Igros. (You may need to ask for directions, subway lines are tricky.)  Reading materials: Dvar Malchus.

Perhaps you want to be a tzfati, but also need the sweet release and adrenaline rush of an all-out brawl;

my friend, do I have a group for you! The Taliban-mishechistim are the military wing of the tzfatim. Armed only with blind faith, their bare fists and whatever siddurim are in reach (when throwing a siddur, do try and throw a Kehot siddur.) This formidable, self-governed group is the main reason we mishechistim have been the tour de force of the Lubavitch movement; after all, it is we who maintain absolute control of the glorious, beautiful basement of 770. Be warned! This is not for the weak or the faint of heart, and it will be your responsibility to maintain order when the Rebbe Melech Hamoshiach distributes dollars and kos shel bracha.

If brawling isn’t your thing, become an editor. Over the last eighteen years,many of the books of Chabad Chassidut have glaring errors in them. We cannot allow anyone to think for one second that such terms are appropriate! There are many way to go about accomplishing this sacred task: Stickers over the offending descriptors, crossing out the incorrect words, or simply tearing out the page with the repulsive text. All these methods are valid, as the sages told us (the Rebbe quoted it, so we KNOW it’s true) shivim panim latorah.

If you have any doubt as to which level you should take, pull out any volume of the Rebbe’s Igros and he will be happy to tell you which way to go.

May we be zoche to the hisgalus soon!!!

Yechi, etc.

Rabbi Dovid Lerner

P.S. Don’t just write “Lubavitch” in your will, Lord knows how much trouble that gave us last time. Be specific.

David Lerner is a former Lubavitcher bochur from Detroit who would drift among the Mishechistim because they had more fun than the antis. In case you were you were wondering, he is an egomaniac, but he doesn’t want to get anymore hate mail. OK, that’s a lie. He totally loves getting hate mail. You can find him at academic libraries poring over ancient manuscripts looking for typos. He lives in his own head.

{ 85 comments… add one }
  • KKK March 11, 2012, 1:12 PM

    david, are you the same guy who ran the yudel krinsky for moshiach movement?

  • R.W. March 11, 2012, 1:28 PM

    No need to spend time in any libraries; There are plenty of typos in this post to keep Dovid busy for awhile.

  • OfftheDwannaB March 11, 2012, 1:41 PM

    Why is this making me more and more interested in joining?

  • Yossi proud former Tzfati March 11, 2012, 3:40 PM

    OK now back to reality, the word Tzfati is usually associated with Bochorim, whom learnt in the Chabad yeshiva in Tzfas, (Gedolah) now just some facts to clear things up.

    1) Its the biggest Chabad Yeshiva in the world, with more then 350 students not including the BT program, Kollel , Kvutzah and other branches.

    2) 95% of the supposed fights that Tzfatim have been involved in, they either didn’t start, or the main characters weren’t even tzfatim, yes just b/c someone puts on a pin or wears a dirty hat doesn’t make him a tzfati.

    3) Laugh all you want about the Igros Kodesh but the fact is it works, I have had personal experiences, that I was helped through writing to the REBBE.

    4) laugh at the way they do Mivtzoim, but the facts show that they do a pretty good job with broken English and all.

    Mr Lerner I am sorry that no major Publishing companies, have approached you about writing a book about your horrible experiences growing up Chabad, so your forced to settle for writing corny or in certain cases untruth articles on Frumsatire. I wish you the best of luck in your career pouring over academic manuscripts whatever that means, I am sure you will be able to support a wife and kids that way or you can always join Shmarya from F.M in his mansion. basement.

    I spent 2 years learning in the Tzfati yeshiva, and no I don’t wear dirty clothing or throw books in 770 sorry if I am sounding unexciting.

  • Detroiter March 13, 2012, 7:29 AM

    Dave, get a life!

    You are unstable having fried out in your mid-twenties because Kurinsky broke off on you!

    At least be like your brother Nate who works and is doing well in University!

    • David Lerner March 21, 2012, 12:08 AM

      Host a nommen, Reb Yid? Oyb du vilst bavaizen di oilam az du kenst mir, tu unz altz a toivah un shraib a nommen.

  • Anonymous July 1, 2012, 12:52 AM

    come to detroit and you will find out who i am if you wish

  • dov December 30, 2012, 7:33 AM

    hey dovid what up man when are u coming back to the d

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