10 Things I hate about being frum

Now that Deborah Feldman has the limelight, I know a post like this may get overlooked, so I can finally come out of the closet and talk about my own issues with being frum and why I have contemplated going off the derech so many times. Going off the derech seems to easy to me, 3 day weekends, the all you can eat salad and bread sticks at the Olive Garden and the 21 course tasting menu at Alinea are good enough reasons. As you will read below it’s not so simple, I could have made the list longer, but I didn’t want you all to lose faith in me. I remember when I admitted to breakiung negiah once, how crazy my fans and readers went because they thought of me as the spokesperson for frumkeit.

10 things I hate being frum:

Tzitzis tickling my legs: There is no worse feeling in the world than having those tzitzis tickling your legs in shul.

Getting Tziztis stuck in your fly: It’s kind of reminiscent of that Frank and Beans scene from There’s Something About Marry.

Missing Rosh Chodesh: If not for my trusty future wife and her tehilim pool, I would have had no idea it was rosh chodesh this coming week. This is because the only way to tell it’s Rosh Chodesh is if you make it to shul on time and every time I miss Rosh Chodesh I feel like it’s not worth going on. I feel like a terrible Jew.

Milchigs at shabbos lunch the day of a big kiddush: One of the worst feelings as a frum Jew is having to gamble on lunch being better than the kiddush. Will that milchigs lunch outweigh this amazing meat filled cholent? If only I weren’t frum….

Missing Ya’ale Vayavo in shemona esrei: If I wasn’t so frum I could just say it once and pretend like I said it, but being frum means I have this incredibly strong yetzer tov and I just can’t ignore the task at hand, which is to suck it up and repeat shemona esrei.

Not being able to engage in bestiality: Let’s face it, if not for the biblical commandment against it we would all be busy with our pets.

Yeshivish Lecha Dodi tunes: Not only are poorly chosen lecha dodi tunes a great way to kill my entire shabbos, but when they decide to do it yeshivish style and stop between every verese I want to tell them about the thousands of people they are sending off the derech every shabbos.

Not being able to smack my parents: If I wasn’t frum, I could raise a hand to my folks, but this darned kivud av thing keeps getting in the way of my violence.

Being honest on my tax returns: If I wasn’t frum, there’s no way I’d be honest with my tax returns.

Being judged by the yarmulke I wear: Right now, post haircut I’m on black velvet. In about a week I switch to suede and after that I usually go to hat or knitted yarmulke. If I wasn’t frum they would be happy I was wearing a yarmulke at all.

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  • T

    Tzitzis: don’t mind the tickle. It’s a pleasant reminder. But my poor son has had some sad times. Once, while trying to adjust the errant boy tzitzis as a tail look, I yanked the whole shebang out of his pants. They seemed stuck so I yanked and wriggled. He started to yelp and scream in agony. Apparently, they somehow got wrapped around his shlomo inside the underwear. Poor little feller.

    • Michael K

      I just don’t like maneuvering my tzitzis every time I sit on the throne. They really just get in the way of doing my duty.

      • U avi

        Boom. That is by far the worst part about it. Lol. I have been saying a post about how hard it is to deal with them in the bathroom would be great.

    • http://evolvingjew.wordpress.com philo

      I don’t think I’ve worn a tallit katan for at least 5 years. Too annoying and tangly. Not a real chiyuv anyway. I still wear a regular tallit when davening.

    • A. Nuran

      And getting them caught in your fly is much better than what might get caught in your fly if you weren’t frum and circumcised.

      • Dan

        So your saying its better to have it sawed off than caught in your fly?

        • A. Nuran

          Dunno about yours, but mine wasn’t sawed. It was professionally removed by a mohel/surgeon.

  • Avrumy

    There are many waaaay worse things abut being frum. This list was pretty lame. Sorry.

    • Michael K

      He’s not married (with kids?) yet, Avrumy… give him time.

      • U avi

        I bet he was kinda being a little trite so people wouldn’t freak out too much.

    • http://evolvingjew.wordpress.com philo

      Hesh was obviously being somewhat tongue in cheek.

      • Dave

        Of course he was. I mean, does anyone seriously think being frum keeps people from cheating on their taxes?

        • OTD chick

          LOL Dave, that’s what I said.

  • joewish

    What about a list of all the things u love about being Frum? I’m married with 3 kids and love being Frum. Its all worth it just for shabbos, one day a week I sit and chill with my family. The torah way of life gives one a happy life. If G-d would give me the choise to opt out I would still stay Frum. Its a great life!

    • http://yeshivaforum.wordpress.com OfftheDwannaB

      Except for the parent smacking and beast laying, right?

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      that list is linked to in the top of this post

  • FWJP

    First World Jewish Problems

  • aussie

    if you stick to the correct rituals of keeping yr tzitzis outside of yr pants, u wont have the 1st 2 probs. its says in the posuk “Ureisem Oisom” u need to be able to see yr tzitzis

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      I actually only tuck in my tzitzis when I tuck in my shirt, which is about once every 4 months.

      • OTD chick

        When you’re not fat?

        • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

          Nah, when I decide to tuck it in on shabbos – I’m never fat, I have a small belly, but I’m actually right on weight schedule.

  • Nummy

    All right, you convinced me

    (stands up to daven Mincha WITH yaaleh viyavo)

  • http://www.greenberg.org Ed Greenberg

    Missing Rosh Chodesh: There’s an app for that. I have a Jewish Cal widget on the home screen of my Android phone.

    Milchigs at shabbos lunch the day of a big kiddush: Just eat as much at the kiddush as you need for lunch, then go home and have a nap. By 7 or 7:30, you’ll be milchik again, for motsei shabbos pizza.

    Not being able to engage in bestiality: Sounds like a personal problem. Besides, the sheep gets upset.

    Yeshivish Lecha Dodi tunes: There is only one kosher tune for Lecha Dodi. (Mine) All else is innovation.

    Being judged by the yarmulke I wear: Get a ballcap with a propeller on it. Next thing you know, you’re doing websites for ten Jewish organizations. You could also wear your chef’s hat. Then you’ll be judged by the quality of your cholent.

    Enjoy…

  • http://conservadox.tripod.com Woodrow/Conservadox

    Why not just wear shorter tzitzit? I’ve never felt particularly tickled by mine.

  • anon

    don’t be a spaz and tuck in your tzitzis normally or wear them out.
    There’s no natural urge to have sex with animals.
    The traditional YI lecha dodi song every week gets pretty boring, and chasidish tunes are way better

  • Person

    Who eats Milchigs at shabbos lunch!?!?!? That is crazy talk.

    • Koi Fish

      People from the Bay Area ;)

    • Dan

      I know. I’d rather eat spoiled meat.

    • Dan

      Milchigs is for the days leading up to tisha b’av, not for shabbos.

      • Koi Fish

        You don’t want cheesecake for lunch? :O lol jk

  • ghottistyx

    Dude, being frum has not stopped a good deal of people from cheating on their taxes. My grandma used to work for a Puppa Choosid in BP who hadn’t payed taxes in many years. He was one of those old Puppa families with yichus and all, very respected in the community. But from what my Grandma said, very dishonest man…

  • http://www.kosherunicorn.com Yisroel H.

    Sure, Heshy, frum people NEVER lie on their tax returns. Or cheat at business. EVER.

    Yisroel

    • Wigmore

      Indeed. Google “Spinka Rebbe.”

  • http://www.themede.com Noshem Mede

    The worst thing about being jewish is not being able to crossbreed your livestock with different species. It’s so annoying. Vayikra 19:19

  • WACKY MAC & CHOCOLATE PIZZA

    “Not being able to engage in bestiality: Let’s face it, if not for the biblical commandment against it we would all be busy with our pets.”

    Are you serious?

    • Alter Cocker

      I think this website is not for you.

  • bracha

    I agree with one of the commentors…this list is quite lame…wait till u get married is right….also, shall we write a female list? Wigs, no pants, mikva…tzitzes doesn’t seem so bad now… :)

  • goy Peter

    Some of the things you wrote describe how impossible is that religion changes anyone.
    Inside you are the same as those who are not in your religion, but in other religion (including those christian religions). You are ready to beat your parent and ready to cheat on taxes. Only the Law keeps you from doing that. It’s only that you abstain from doing evil, but still think evil. God neither Torah changed you yet. This is just a dead letter without Ruah HaKodesh.

    On the other hand not a religion but true Faith through Grace and by the cooperation with Ruah HaKodesh changes the inside, the heart of a man. (It’s done only by the cross of Yeshua HaMashiah).
    You have to be born again in order to see these changes inside of you. Then only you will love others because your heart will be changed, your thoughts will love others. And then the glory will be truly given to Father God. Because it’s thanks to His Grace (Hesed) that endureths forever, not because of your works.
    I bless you in the Name of Yeshua HaMashiah.

    • Alter Cocker

      What the hell is this???? Be gone!

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