≡ Menu

Yes the rumors are true – I coerced someone into marrying me

This past Thursday night I coerced a hot chabad girl (she’s too tznius to be a Hot Chani) to marry me, I cornered her in a shul and gave her a nice necklace. Did you know that chabadniks don’t do engagement rings?  Yeah, something about the Rebbe and the Baal Shem Tov in a forest in Russia and not saying tachnun on random days when they left prison or escaped a pogrom (chassidic way of saying drunken brawl outside of an inn that turns into anti-Semitic rally) So anyway, I didn’t have to drop down any dough on a ring and got away with a cracker jack necklace. Crazy right?

So first things first, I should quell your fears, for I will not stop blogging once I abandon my independence and start having halachically sanctioned sex. In fact I have wondered for sometime about marriage blogging, I mean there’s tons of shit you can write about once you’re married that you wouldn’t be able to do as a single person. Sheitles, mikvah night (I have already written extensively about it) passing salt shakers while your wife’s a niddah, stroller comparisons, wedding plans, gifts, how to cut challah properly and having to deal with in-laws. Once kids hit the scene you start writing about poo and there’s not much better than writing about what you find in your children’s diapers.

The honest truth is, that I wasn’t going to publicize this event, but my future wife kind of demanded that I confirm the relationship status change on Facebook, I know a lot of you may not understand this, but I didn’t really want the attention. Of course, now that the cats out of the bag I just had to write about the darned thing, because the truth is there is much to discuss with the readers – like wedding plans and life plans and all that good stuff that Mommy Bloggers talk about, but mine will be a lot funnier of course.

God willing the wedding will be in California, but I’m planning on having some sort of engagement party in NY 3 weeks from today.


{ 148 comments… add one }
  • Anonymous January 7, 2012, 8:32 PM

    !!! mazel tov

  • Dan January 7, 2012, 8:44 PM

    Mazel Tov!

    (Hmm, if Hesh can do it, I suppose the rest of us can too.)

  • G*3 January 7, 2012, 8:45 PM

    Mazel Tov

  • Should be working January 7, 2012, 8:47 PM

    Huge news! Congratulations. When do we see a pic of the hot Chabad bride? Or is she the one you always show making out in the front seat?

  • Raizy January 7, 2012, 8:51 PM

    Congratulations, Heshy. Wishing you lots of happiness!

  • Anonymous January 7, 2012, 8:53 PM

    who??? it’s not on shmais or col

  • Tinok ShenishBeth January 7, 2012, 8:57 PM

    Necklace?? I heard rumors of engagement snow shoes… (I’ve always said I wanted and engagement plunge router – that’s how I’ll know he gets me!)

    Mazel tov!! She is wonderful and you are going to be very happy!

  • Telz Angel January 7, 2012, 9:25 PM

    Mazal Tov! This is excellent news. Now the married folks have to give you tons of advice. I think we need to crowdsource marriage advice from your readers and commenters.

    We should chip in and publish our Chosson class lessons for you on a blog post.

    First lesson: (from the heart) Never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, make your wife look bad on your blog.

    Second lesson: (from more personal experience) during the act, she might yell out “ma-heir, ma-heir” She is not reverting to Hebrew and asking you to go faster. She is telling you to get off her hair.

    Looking forward to other people’s advice too.

    • batsheva January 25, 2012, 5:27 PM

      I lol’ed and applauded at this. Seriously.

  • Tova January 7, 2012, 9:27 PM

    This is fantastic, Heshy. I squealed when I heard the news. Mazal tov and congratulations!

  • Chuckie D January 7, 2012, 9:27 PM

    Mazel Tov!

  • Laura January 7, 2012, 9:28 PM

    Don’t get soft

    • Telz Angel January 8, 2012, 10:15 PM

      “that’s what SHE said”

    • Heshy Fried January 8, 2012, 10:29 PM

      How are we gonna have any kids then?

      • A. Nuran January 10, 2012, 12:57 PM

        The stork will leave them under the cabbage roll.

  • Chani January 7, 2012, 9:35 PM

    mazal tov!!

  • A. Nuran January 7, 2012, 9:59 PM

    Mazel Tov, Heshy!
    When are you and the blushing bride coming up to visit Oregon?

  • dorot January 7, 2012, 10:00 PM

    well this was item #1 on “10 Reasons Frumsatire Makes Me Feel More Frum” post from a few months ago: to be part of the mitzvah of Heshy’s future khasene. So now I think I will go and buy a longer skirt!

  • Yid Vicious January 7, 2012, 10:01 PM

    No way! You’re straight?!

    • Tinok ShenishBeth January 7, 2012, 10:44 PM

      Having a wife doesn’t guarantee one’s straightness, you know…

      I have Tang in my cupboard, but it doesn’t make me an astronaut.

      • Darth_Zeidah January 8, 2012, 8:14 AM

        Tang?? I had not heard of that devil’s concoction since 1958!!

        • Tinok ShenishBeth January 8, 2012, 1:59 PM

          I know, right? It’s sort of a powdered baby aspirin and feet flavor…

  • David January 7, 2012, 10:11 PM

    Mazel Tov!

  • Scarpeta January 7, 2012, 10:23 PM

    Congrats. I’m getting married in March and was engaged in December. I’m a liberal Jew and getting married in Israel. It’s been an interesting process. Good luck to you and your fiance!

  • y-oh-y January 7, 2012, 10:44 PM

    Where is the onlysimchas post so you can build A BNB AND WE CAN SAY OMG i am so EXCITED and talk about the days in israel?

  • Mark January 7, 2012, 11:13 PM

    Mazal Tov!!!! 🙂

  • An-on January 7, 2012, 11:13 PM

    A chabad girl – so predictable. There’s a whole cadre of guys like you who ran away from NY to find themselves and ended up with a chabad chick. It even happened to a guy I know who went all the way to Hawaii.

    Mazal tov nonetheless.

    • anon2 aka dovid January 8, 2012, 9:19 AM

      hey show yourself, we all know who you’re talking about…

      • actually him January 8, 2012, 10:11 AM

        I wasn’t aware there was a “cadre” of guys who enjoy non-NY life while finding a hot/smart/frum (frum/hot/smart? smart/frum/hot? some combo) girl who we know is willing to exist somewhere other than inside the box(es). I get more compliments in my life for managing to live in Hawai’i and still marry someone who my parents don’t have to sit shiva for me over than anything else I’ve done. It’s called genius.

        • An-on January 8, 2012, 11:22 AM

          If you still live in Hawaii then your not the guy I was referring to. See there is a cadre.

  • OfftheDwannaB January 7, 2012, 11:39 PM

    Mazal Tov Heshy! I looked at your facebook page and I was like, why does that girl look so familiar? Did she live near me? Then I remembered I looked at her pictures a few weeks ago because she looked hot.
    Ah, Facebook. Making it easier than ever to be a perv.

  • Anon for now January 8, 2012, 12:50 AM

    MAZAL TOV!!! Now that you got around to it, I KNOW I have to get my act together.

  • anon January 8, 2012, 1:39 AM

    (From a long time reader, but first time poster. Can I have a prize?)

  • Shona January 8, 2012, 3:46 AM

    Mazel tov!

  • abandoning eden January 8, 2012, 4:36 AM

    Congrats!! Marriage is awesome, and I hope you have a great one. 🙂

  • noni January 8, 2012, 5:27 AM

    Since everyone is giving you mazel tovs, I assume this isn’t a joke. 😉 You know, the boy who cried wolf and all.

    Mazel tov! Wishing you many years of frum satirical happiness.

  • Lirehagi January 8, 2012, 6:33 AM

    Envisioning a tribe of Little Heshies on tricycles terrorizing some poor teenaged babysitter….Look out, world!!! Their existence just got a lot less hypothetical!

    And Mazel Tov!

  • Jennifer January 8, 2012, 6:49 AM

    Mazel Tov to you and your Kallah. After all these years reading and laughing about the shidduch scene, I’m looking forward to a new spin on our marriages. But most of all, I wish the two of you much joy and continual simcha in your lives together. Just a quick peek at her FB profile, tells me you’ve found a woman who can keep up with you in the comedy department!

  • Anonymous January 8, 2012, 7:44 AM

    Fack, you were my backup.
    Alone and single forever wishing you a hearty MT!
    May you be zoche to build a Bayis Neiman b California!!!!

  • avid_reader January 8, 2012, 7:58 AM

    mazal tov Heshy, that’s great news!! Can’t wait to hear all about married life on the blog 🙂

  • whoah5772 January 8, 2012, 8:10 AM

    hey so wait did you switch boats to chabad?
    1) are you going to say the ma’amar lecha dodi?
    2) are you going to grow a beard?
    3) are you going to wear a kapota?
    4) where are you gonna live?

    • Heshy Fried January 8, 2012, 10:35 PM

      I didn’t switch boats, her dock is going to get the snag boat.

      Going to live in San Francisco

      I can’t grow a beard.

  • Bubba Metzia January 8, 2012, 8:27 AM

    Mazal Tov! ^_^

  • eytan January 8, 2012, 9:03 AM

    How many bikes does she own and is she making you cut your hair for the wedding?

  • bratschegirl January 8, 2012, 9:55 AM

    Mazal tov! May you have a long and happy life together.

  • Anonymous January 8, 2012, 10:43 AM

    mazal tov!

  • Crowin' Cock January 8, 2012, 11:40 AM

    Mazal Tov! It’s about friggin time. Now you can take shots at Chabad from the inside, more fun that way, gives you some kind of immunity.

    Will be interesting to see how this affects your writing style.
    Real happy for you, all the best!

  • Joe January 8, 2012, 11:40 AM

    Am I the only one who thinks that this is all a hoax?

    • Telz Angel January 8, 2012, 11:59 AM

      Yes. There are some things you don’t mess around with on a satire blog. This is one of them.

      • Lol January 8, 2012, 12:31 PM


      • Lol January 8, 2012, 12:31 PM

        LOL people are so naive

    • batsheva January 25, 2012, 5:32 PM

      I know the bride. It’s not a hoax.

    • Alter Cocker March 8, 2012, 2:07 PM

      no, I also think it’s a hoax.

  • SiBaW January 8, 2012, 12:45 PM

    Wow. Major Mazel Tov! I think we all know the real reason Heshy got engaged; he needed someone to cook for! 😛

    Looking forward to all the new posts. Best of luck with the engagement! May you be zoche to build a bayis ne’eman b’yisrael!

    • A. Nuran January 8, 2012, 4:44 PM

      The poor girl will never have a decent meal she doesn’t cook herself. “The cobbler’s children have no shoes.” Cooks don’t like to cook outside of working hours.

  • yeshiva dude January 8, 2012, 1:03 PM

    Mazel Tov Heshy!! Very happy for you (assuming Joe’s intuition is wrong 😉

  • Tevy January 8, 2012, 1:51 PM

    Way to go, Heshy! Mazel Tov, bro!

  • Freedski January 8, 2012, 2:36 PM

    Mazal tov! (Although, what will we kibbitz about over brunch cocktails at Slice, girls, now that Heshy is officially off the market???)

    Make sure to let us other “slightly older singles” know what it’s like on the other side, will ya?

    Rotsa ruck!! 🙂

  • A fan January 8, 2012, 2:40 PM


    • Heshy Fried January 8, 2012, 10:39 PM

      My girl says no, but I may just throw it out there while she’s not looking – it could be interesting.

      • Dan January 9, 2012, 1:29 PM

        I would totally come. I happen to be in NY this week.

      • Tinok ShenishBeth January 9, 2012, 7:15 PM

        The odds of her ‘not looking’ anytime in the near future are rather low…

        I don’t blame you one bit for not wanting a bunch of relative strangers at a family event to celebrate your wedding – but it would be cool if you two were going to be at ‘Bleemie’s Kosher Pizza’ on Thursday @ 7 (or where/whatever) so us fans can stop in and wish you well.

  • WACKY MAC & CHOCOLATE PIZZA January 8, 2012, 3:36 PM

    i WilL mOsT CeRtAiNlY cRaSh YoUr VoRt!!!!

  • Micah January 8, 2012, 5:15 PM

    Mazel tov Heshy, from a big fan in Dallas. I wish you and your future wife a happy and prosperous life. Just please keep blogging – you inspire me on a daily basis. I am definitely more observant because of you. Frum Satire is a lot more than humor. You are doing G-d’s work.

  • kissmeimshomer January 8, 2012, 6:31 PM

    Mazal Tov Heshy! Much happiness and good humor and cholent going forward.

  • Von Schmeckle January 8, 2012, 9:17 PM

    Good for you!
    As my Dad would always say, “every dog has his day!”

  • Yish January 8, 2012, 10:08 PM

    Mazel tov Heshy!!!

  • CM in CH January 8, 2012, 10:49 PM

    Just to clear up a few things… This is no hoax. A girl can’t re-enter the shidduch market after joking about The Hesh and expect it to be gravy!

    I don’t own any bicycles currently. I’m pretty sure I can do it tzniusly, but only time will tell. It’s still up for debate what constitues a hike vs. a long walk.

    I love Tang. Wait, is that kosher?

    • Tinok ShenishBeth January 8, 2012, 11:58 PM

      Yup! But I don’t know if it’s kosher enough for Chabadniks… Ok Kosher is the agency, here’s the certificate: https://digitalkosher.com/oskm/display_KC_PDF_new.jsp?kid=NZVMMQC&dktagid=-fVIZsFpFEx-bAsTYmgb.fca06732c7f329c3bb11bffc677a876fcafe47

      Or just chew a baby aspirin and suck on a sweat sock – same taste.

    • Dan January 9, 2012, 1:33 PM

      Yes. But let us come to the vort. We’ll behave.

      And maybe we can get some more frumsatire shidduchim going.

    • Philo January 9, 2012, 2:16 PM

      I used to be an AVID hiker. I married a girl who’s not so into it. She likes nature, but mosquitoes love her. We’re still happily married after almost 9 years, and I still (occasionally) go hiking or camping with the guys.

      • CM in CH January 9, 2012, 9:40 PM

        Heshy’s been officially commanded to go out regularly with the guys. How else am I going to sneak my Hot Chani purchases into the house without him seeing?

        • Tinok ShenishBeth January 9, 2012, 10:48 PM

          Plus, that’s gurls to the spa o’clock!

  • CM in CH January 8, 2012, 10:51 PM

    P.S. I did NOT go to Stern.

  • Avrumy January 9, 2012, 6:28 AM

    At last!
    So you really are not gay after all. I can deal.

  • MCr January 9, 2012, 7:35 AM

    Mazel Tov!!!

  • Moshe Meir January 9, 2012, 9:08 AM

    Mazal tov, Heshy! I am very happy for you.

    Here is my contribution to the marriage advice: when she asks “Does this dress make me look fat?”, you must answer instantly “No!”. If you hesitate for more than 1/10 of a second, you are toast.

    • Tinok ShenishBeth January 9, 2012, 2:48 PM

      Wrong! I’m not supposed to let you men-folk in on this, but I’ll risk it…

      The only correct answer to the “Does this make me look fat?” question is: “If anything, dearest, I think it makes you look too skinny.”

      Your wife will say she wants you to be honest, but it’s a trick.

      • Moshe Meir January 9, 2012, 8:49 PM

        And that is just the tip of the iceberg of men never being able to figure out women. (Sigh!)

      • A. Nuran January 10, 2012, 12:59 PM

        Tinok, that is the absolute truth.
        I’d like to add that the two most important words Heshy needs to learn are “Yes, dear,” delivered without a sigh or hint of passive aggression.

        • Tinok ShenishBeth January 10, 2012, 5:43 PM

          Agreed! “Yes, Dear!” delivered with enthusiam, is the key to true shalom bais – for BOTH partners.

  • Conservative Scifi January 9, 2012, 12:55 PM

    Mazel Tov!

    I disagree with Moshe Meir, though. Still happily married after 22 years (and having dated 5 years before that), my wife prefers the truth on any new purchase. She was just buying a dress for a Bar mitzvah and the first one didn’t work for her figure, and I said so. The second choice was great, and I told her so. She was thrilled when she had a dress very similar to my “cool” and very thin sister-in-law. (and I don’t have any real taste, just what I’ve seen on “what not to wear”).

    • Moshe Meir January 9, 2012, 8:47 PM

      Point conceded, but it’s better to say “you look *much* better in dress #2” than to say “dress #2, on the other hand, does not make you look fat”. (17+ years of marriage experience and counting…)

  • Talia bat Pessi January 9, 2012, 7:15 PM

    Mazel tov mazel tov!! All the best for you and your Chabadnika. Are you going Cholov Yisroel?

  • Izzy January 9, 2012, 9:05 PM

    Well, next time in LA, come visit us at the Chatsworth Chabad and and we’ll hold a Kiddush in your honor!

    Congrats to you both!

    You’ll know you’re really old when your kids ask you for the car keys. I hope I’m around to see the post!

  • Friar Yid January 9, 2012, 10:31 PM

    Congrats to you both. Enjoy your lives together.

  • anon January 10, 2012, 12:32 AM

    Mazal tov, Heshy,really happy for you. Lots of bracha and hatzlacha.

    I hope you keep your personal life separate from the blog. Just for starters, what you can do instead of posting the vort details, hold a separate event just for your blog readers if you feel so inclined.

    • Heshy Fried January 13, 2012, 3:38 PM

      Trust me I keep about 80% of my current life off the internet so this isn’t much harder. The vort is a private party and yeh maybe in the future I’ll have some sort of public event – maybe I’ll even charge for it

  • s(b.) January 10, 2012, 1:27 AM

    Mazal tov! May you (what everyone else has already said, but your way) bis 120.

  • Seriously?? January 10, 2012, 5:26 AM


    Marriage is the template to a proper relationship with HKBH – so may your marriage be a stepping stone to ever-higher spiritual heights.

    Some of the best marriage advice I ever received, and which I duly pass on here: at some point in the future, you will ask yourself… “I guess I could jump her bones, but I really just want to go to sleep.” EVERY TIME you ask yourself that, JUMP HER BONES. As difficult as it is, you will never, ever, ever regret it afterward. Every investment in the bedroom relationship pays off tenfold.

  • Ksil January 10, 2012, 5:47 AM

    All this apikorsus….but to marry outside of the religion?!?!?! That is just unacceptable

  • Josh Shalet January 10, 2012, 5:48 AM

    Mazel Tov and I hope you build true love together.

  • yitz January 11, 2012, 8:42 AM

    wat position will u DO IT in the first nite?????!!!!
    details pls!

    • Heshy Fried January 13, 2012, 3:36 PM

      I like how you assume we will only use one position – so childish

      • Mo March 5, 2012, 10:49 AM

        He may be under the assumption (and correctly so) that you only “do it” once on the first night..

  • DrumIntellect January 11, 2012, 10:56 AM

    Was it a pearl necklace?

    • Ken March 3, 2012, 8:05 PM

      How juvenile! In other words, rats someone beat me to this comment.

      I haven’t looked at this blog in a very long time but glad to say Mazal Tov!

  • Michael in Fairfax, LA January 13, 2012, 2:54 PM

    Mazel Tov Heshy!

  • Asher April 24, 2012, 8:35 AM

    You make a Chabad Shidduch, you get a Chabad Shidduch 🙂

    Seriously though, Mazel Tov and enjoy many healthy long and happy/funny/Holy years together!

  • Happy For You April 29, 2012, 5:36 AM

    Will the shnorring for stuff stop now?

Leave a Comment