Do you wear your yarmulke when you masturbate?

I think I should start off this post with a disclaimer, I don’t masturbate. I never really got into the past time. I’m serious, while everyone in yeshiva was hoarding the latest in the JC Penny underwear ads from the Sunday paper I was off riding my bike or rollerblading. This post is for hypothetical times when I should have masturbated, those natural times when it would have seemed like a good idea, but instead I went for a bike ride or picked up a mussar sefer and was scared of boiling in my own semen to change my taiva-dick ways.

The second disclaimer is that even though every religion has forbidden masturbation for all eternity and of course the Jews had to follow suit and prove it from one obscure passage in the Torah about not wanting to knock some chick up. The whole proof doesn’t have much to do with actual masturbation, but I guess the Rabbis decided that if they legalized masturbation the shidduch crisis would have started thousands of years before the invention of free porn – besides there are a lot stranger halachos based on a lot more obscure Torah pasukim.

So now that the disclaimers are out of the way, let’s get down to business.

A friend of mine alerted me to the post with the title as this one on Yeshiva Forum, so I decided to answer the question. No, I don’t remove my yarmulke when I pleasure myself, on top of this I usually say asher yatzar when I’m done – thanking Hashem for all of my working parts and allowing me the ability to pleasure myself even though I am just another unmarried statistic of the shidduch crisis. I will say this, I definitely cover up or remove Rebbe (not just the Lubavitcher Rebbe, but all Rebbes) pictures when I’m getting down to business. I don’t know, Rabbis always seem to be staring at you from their portraits and I was never into letting people watch me do my thing.

Some lady friends of mine have confirmed that they also tend to cover up any religious articles in the room when they are getting down to pleasure themselves. For me, removing pictures of sefarim is more out of respect than hiding from what I’m doing, I know the apikorus police are going to bitch slap me for saying this – but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a healthy amount of masturbation by men or women. The built factor ruins a lot of people and plus it’s good for you. It clears the prostate, relieves stress and now with the internet Jews don’t have to remove their yarmulkes when they buy porn.

So do you wear your yarmulke when you masturbate?

Find out more about the halachos of masturbating on 4torah.com

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Telz Angel

    I thought that’s what the satin ones they give out at conservative temples were for! They are almost as soft as panties, but you don’t have to explain why you have them in your night-table drawer.

    • U Avi

      nahhh, the white knit ones are best, they are already pretty rough feeling….

  • ari

    this is kind of like “would u say a brocha on non kosher food?”

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      Do you take off your yarmulke when you violate clearly transcribed halacha’s like forgetting to remember out exodus from Egypt on a daily basis.

      • Anonymous

        I wish I could like this comment.

  • http://offthed.blogspot.com OTD

    Fuckin hilarious.
    >The built factor
    Guilt factor?

  • Michael K

    I want to know how many have to physically move their tzitzis out of the way when they’re reaching for their makom milah….

    • Confused

      oy

    • Cookie Jar

      I had a friend in yeshiva who told me he would always take off his tzitzis before masturbating. It never even occurred to me to do that.

  • A. Nuran

    I would be a lot more disturbed if you stared at the pictures of rabbonim while you dated Mother Thumb and her four daughters.

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      Chaim Shmulevetz was a cutie, just saying

      • Telz Angel

        And Swekeys eyebrows remind me of Tom Selleck’s mustache.

        • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

          But Rav Yaakov can make you lose wood in 3 seconds flat

          • http://offthed.blogspot.com OTD

            I have freaking baba sali staring at me…and the chafetz chaim

            • Tinok ShenishBeth

              You are kinky…

              • http://offthed.blogspot.com OTD

                At least it’s not the steipler…

                • Tinok ShenishBeth

                  I think the baba sali wins the Rabbis who should be read and not seen contest.

    • Michael K

      I’d be a lot more disturbed if he stared at his seforim while doing the five knuckle shuckle.

      • bratschegirl

        >the five knuckle shuckle

        giggleSNERK

  • http://starofdavida.blogspot.com Talia bat Pessi

    One of my friends had a huge sleepover with a bunch of friends, so we took over every bedroom. When I went into her brothers’ room and saw all the wall space being taking up by sefarim and pictures of rabbanim, my first thought was wondering how the boys do, um, the “five knuckle shuckel” as we’re calling it here…when I voiced this, all my friends bopped me in the head with pillows and told me that frum people don’t do that. It made me lol and kinda sad at the same time.

    • http://yeshivaforum.wordpress.com OfftheDwannaB

      Ok we need more details here. How old were you? And were your friends bais yaakov girls, or balei tshuvah?

      • Tinok ShenishBeth

        Why does the BY vs. BT thang matter?

        • http://yeshivaforum.com OfftheDwannaB

          It has to be one or the other. Nobody else is that trusting and naive.

          • Michael K

            Well played, well played.

      • http://starofdavida.blogspot.com Talia bat Pessi

        All were Bais Yaakov sophomores. The home was in Flatbush but most of the girls were from other neighborhoods.

        • http://yeshivaforum.wordpress.com OfftheDwannaB

          Yes! I called it! Thanks :)

  • Avrumy

    …but no one so far has answered the question.
    Yes, I remove my yarmulke.
    And keep away from windows. Tznius, you know.

    But it usually happens in the shower, so the yarmulke point is pretty moot for me. Just sharing.

    • http://yeshivaforum.wordpress.com OfftheDwannaB

      I used to feel weird about wearing it when I left yeshiva and started doing it with wild abandon. But i got over it.

  • Alyssa

    I do it all the time.

    • A. Nuran

      A girl wearing a yarmulke? That’s perverse!

  • Alyssa

    My husband couldn’t do it at all. So I bought myself a u-no-what and started doing it twice a day until we got divorced, then continued on my own.

    It’s not my fault he was dysfunctional.

  • wl

    And I put away my tzitzis too

  • Anonymous

    To answer your question, yes. Violating one command is no excuse for violating another. That’s like saying “I am so far in debt that I won’t even pick up this $100 bill off the street.”

  • 8E

    May I ask out of honest curiosity (and sheer laziness to google extensively)… what’s the rule about showering and the have one’s head covered at all times? Is there an exception for bathing or swimming?

    Signed, a no-clue-how-religions-work athiest

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      No one showers with a head covering, in fact the headcovering is really only required when praying or saying a blessing, other times it’s tradition.

  • Anonymous

    I’d imagine it’d be tough to not feel guilty when you wear tzitzit. You’d just look down at your thing and you’d see the tzitzit and then you’d feel bad and go take a cold shower or something. If you only wear a kippah, then I suppose you drop it, forget it, and get down to business.

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