I haven’t posted quite so many shidduch resumes on this site, because most people have only started to think beyond the pale of shidduch websites, asking their friends and facebook stalking. Most of the shidduch resumes I have posted are of girls. If you have a shidduch resume, it can be, in fact I prefer that it be funny – please send it over to frumsatire@gmail.com please note that the picture is just for reference, as the girl would like to remain anonymous.
This is short, sweet, sincere and to the point. I’m already fed up of shadchanim telling me that being a ger means I have to date a guy with rabies and a club foot.
Age: 23
FFB/BT?: Giyoret
Location: British by birth, live in New York but will be in London soon. Will settle in and hear from guys either country.
Educated: Graduate
Work: High School teacher, which I genuinely enjoy and some cheder teaching too.
Religious level: I guess most people would say MO Machmir. Orthodox for sure, shomer negiah and all that good stuff but still in touch with the real world.
Shabbos/Kashrut: Obviously (cholov yisrael at home)
Cover Hair: Goes without saying?
Mikveh: See previous question.
Looking for: Male, Jewish, Straight, Normal?? Or more seriously, frum (fairly open with the spectrum), working but at least some effort to learn and most importantly can make me laugh. If you like Heshy’s blog tho I figure that’s a good sign. Also if you’re hot [and over 5' 7] that helps too.
And, from Heshy’s blog I know that guys like to know about the looks so I’ll give you the (tongue-in-cheek) ‘essentials’: 5ft 4, 110lbs, 34:24:35
Thanks Hesh. If you could not post my email but forward me replies, I’d be grateful. Tried to make it a bit anonymous as I figure quite a few people I know read your blog too.
Possibly related posts: Tagged as:
Girls,
shadchan,
shidduch,
shidduch resume
{ 140 comments… read them below or add one }
Is she a 34b or 34c? makes a huge difference.
The 34 here refers to her bust size. In bra sizes, it refers to the rib cage size. The letter comes from the difference between bust and rib cage.
Thanks for the information I didn’t need
small boobs at 34 inches. I’m 40.5 inches and I’m a 36D (my rib cage is bigger than her “rack.”)
sweetie, get over yourself.
Feeling jealous, are we?
Pretty much everyone on here is just having a joke. Calm down, put your tits away and cut the nasty.
If any part of a woman’s body measure 40.5 inches, it’s probably not what most shadchans would call a “meilah.”
What a meilah?
A positive attribute, in Yiddish.
Well, shadchans are women and the women they think are so great, men don’t want. This is what men care about: looks. Men call women shallow but really they are the shallow ones.
Respectfully, you are the one who raised the issue of OP’s looks, turning this into a competition between her and you, why I have no idea. I merely pointed out that from an objective standpoint, 40 1/2 inches is not a great measurement to have for a bust, waist, hips or height.
No, she raised it when decided to post her measurements on here.
men and women are both generally fairly shallow. She’s posting her stuff because it’s her shidduch resume. What’s your excuse?
My wife is gonna be 40-26-40. Same as Barbie.
Listen buddy, there was only one Jayne Manson.
MansFIELD sorry
Your future husband will be lucky man.
Michael, why are you limiting yourself to a C?
Not limiting. Just assuming the averages. It’s like asking “are you between 5’4 and 5’7?” Could be higher or lower.
Some might cry “ba’al tashchis”, but I don’t hold (pardon the pun) by that.
I think that converts do better off in Israel. I know plenty who married, nice, regular guys.
You didn’t write anything personal about yourself. And as a woman, I don’t get why ALL women write “makes me laugh”, what is he a clown?
To paraphrase from Ocean’s Eleven, I think “make me laugh” is code for “don’t make me cry”.
And I though it was code for “make me moan like a wh*re”
Definitely good enough for a Stern tefillin date.
(And just for example Heshy, there is no way in YU’s womens kollel, that I would post that on facebook.)
Cup size??
Practice level?
Cup sizes are adjustable for a few $$$, practice level should be irrelevant as she’s shomer.
Not sure what you mean by that. I hope she doesn’t think shomer applies after the wedding.
Anon,
Don’t worry, she should have plenty of time to practice once she’s married, practicing can be lot’s of fun
well, i am out of the running since i am not a dude. but i hope she finds someone normal who just mentally records the cup size and then shuts the eff up about it.
Why? What’s your cup size?
She has about an A cup with those measurements but I’m sure she’ll find one of these “I want TIIIINE-EEE” guys. There sure are enough of them.
LOL thanks dorot. Is my bra size really that important? If so, can we get guys to put their ‘length’ on shidduch resumes please?
FYI, I converted 6 months ago under an NYC based Beth Din.
As for those who said I didn’t say anything personal about myself – what would you like to know?
Yes yes, a man who makes me laugh. I’ve been on dates for a coffee that have been excruciating but walking for hours in the cold round Manhattan has been more fun when the guy Im with has a sense of humour!
Me,
Guys can always exagerate, you wouldn’t find out until it’s too late if you’re shomer.
CC,
Girls can exaggerate too, which you also wouldn’t know if you’re shomer. A little strategic help from Vicky can do miraculous things…
Bratschegirl,
Possibly, but women would definitely be less likely to do so, and if they wewre dating, it would be a probably be a royal pain to keep trying to stuff a bra. On the other hand, find me one guy besides Howard Stern that would underestimate the size of his …
Actually, flat girls don’t stuff anymore, it’s 2011. They wear water bras. They have been for over 10 years. They look more real.
Michal,
That’s intersesting. I’m married for a lot longer than that, guess I’m not in the know anymore.
Water bras wouldn’t do to well up here, they’d freeze up within minutes on a cold day.
True, my ex-fiance’s sister had one (or more) and that’s how I know about it. That was in Texas so freezing wasn’t an issue.
Me,
I just wrote a fairly long response to several of the commenters, but it didn’t show up (Heshy’s site seems to have an issue with quotation marks that I forgot about). Keep an eye out for it. I addressed all of the points you just addressed in more detail. I think you sound great, BTW. I wish I knew someone for you. I pray that HaShem sends you your b’shert speedily and in a good hour.
She sounds great based on her measurements? Shit, that’s how guys think.
“Is my bra size really that important?”
It’s definitely important for this thread.
Just spit it out, we won’t make fun of you. (Also say whether they are real, and if not, how much they cost.)
Lol!
Youre a bit too frum for me, but you sound like a nice girl. I hope you find a nice boy.
Bra size isn’t really that important. You’re measurements isn’t really that important either, but you shared those willingly.
I’m a woman so I’m not really that interested, but I just commented that the “resume” seemed a little bland. As for making you laugh, you will only know that when you meet. Verbal chemistry if you like. A sense of humour is very personal, many people have a sense of humour, but I don’t share it with them. Putting it on your resume will not get you any closer to that. Those excruciating dates of yours may very well think that they are great conversationalists. I know that I’ve been on dates where I was told that they had a great time and I was just being polite. Well, good luck.
And if you’re looking to meet someone even just a little more refined than many of Heshy’s talkbackers you may want to take off your vital statistics, it brought out the smut brigade in force. Just say 5’4 and slim. That should do it.
And by the way, Heshy, whatever happened to Mahler? She was a star attraction.
Just my two cents.
Mahla.
I think Norman was nifter some time ago
Seriously, it’s not that important. You have a bunch of jokers and horn dogs. Mostly jokers. Mostly harmless.
Good luck finding the right husband. May he be kind, intelligent, strong and love you beyond all reason.
Nuran: No blessing for the rest of us?
I’d like a hot, frum, cynical, conflicted, brilliant woman. With stats like the OP’s. But even better so that Michaltastik won’t make fun of her.
FFB only, because I don’t understand why you’d become BT or geyores, if you are cynical like me.
Aidel Maidels, Hadarlings, BJJ graduates, need not apply.
And I’d like fries with that, too. But not supersized.
May the Flying Spaghetti Monster give you a pirate ship, a bottle of rum, a wench and a big plate of pasta with meatballs.
RAAAAAA-MMMMEEEENNNN!!!
> Hadarlings, BJJ graduates
I’m not exactly fluent in frum and Heshy’s glossary doesn’t have these… could someone translate for me please?
references to girl’s seminaries in Israel
No comments on the resume; she sounds terrific. But I have plenty of comments on the comments.
1) To all the people obsessing about cup size, guess what? More often than not, it changes after you have a baby. And it can go either way. I have seen women who got huge while nursing, and then after weaning they shrunk down to smaller than they were pre-pregnancy. I’ve also seen them get bigger and stay bigger. I also know women who had to have them removed altogether due to breast cancer. This is not a jdate profile looking for a hookup. It’s a shidduch resume of a very frum young woman looking to get married. Marriage means for life. Have you ever seen the breasts of an 80-year-old woman? If cup size is what you care about, buy yourself a blow-up doll with the cup size of your choice and go to town. As for the person who specifically mentioned cup sizes being adjustable for $$$, I hope this young lady and any other eligible women reading this are smart enough to know that any man who would even hint that you should mutilate yourself for him is not a man worth even considering. Yes, I know this is a humor site, but this is a legit shidduch resume, and your comments are not treating it as such.
2) To the person who said she didn’t write anything “personal” about herself, here is what I got: I know her height and vital statistics, what she does for a living and that she enjoys her work. I know where she lives and where she’s from, and that she’s open to relocation. I know she is very frum, including shomer negiah, and that she wants a frum, employed man, who makes some effort to learn, preferably attractive, over 5’7″ (She doesn’t need someone who towers over her–I’ve seen women who were 5’4″ and wouldn’t date anyone under 6′), and it’s particularly important that he be able to make her laugh. This tells me that she wants someone who shares her sense of humor. Granted, it’s not a lot of personal information, but for a short resume on someone else’s blog, I think it’s a pretty good amount, and it’s certainly a lot more than not writing “anything.”
3) To the person who asked why all women write “Makes me laugh”: Don’t you like to laugh? People have a wide variety of senses of humor. What makes some people laugh does not make everyone laugh. Would you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone you couldn’t laugh with, someone who never made you laugh? You can teach a man how to kiss you and touch you, but you can’t teach him how to make you laugh. To me, this is a no-brainer. Once you’re over 70 or 80 sex will be pretty insignificant, but you will still want to hang around with someone who makes you laugh. To the person who said that it’s simply code for “don’t make me cry,” no. It’s not. While not making your spouse cry should be a given, this doesn’t mean that. It means exactly what it says.
4) I don’t know if converts “do better in Israel,” but I do know plenty of converts who found wonderful frum spouses here in the US. Not all born Jews are close-minded, right Heshy?
The problem with having big boobs is that it gets in the way when you go to lift the Torah for hagba – it also sucks for that wedding song when everyone jumps up and down and don’t get me started on when you have to put your boobs on the table when you’re having a bite to eat. I’m not talking about my own less than a cup size of course.
It’s also a problem when you’re not in a mixed-swimming pool, or at the mikvah.
1) More often than not, her 34-25-25 will *also* change after she has a baby. What’s your point?
2) She wrote mostly facts, and nothing truly *personal*.
3) I think everyone likes to laugh, and that’s the point: She wrote what everyone else writes. It’s on the trite side.
4) I agree 100%. Well said.
Michael, I’m not sure why you think it only changes after she has a baby. Where’s your guarantee that you’re not going to get fat and go bald?
Shidduch resumes are to open the possibility of a date. She doesn’t have to put person things in the resume, you’re supposed to find that out face-to-face.
‘Someone that makes me laugh’ isn’t the same for everybody. Personally I lurve someone that makes me laugh because, sadly, life is going to suck at certain points, and I’d like someone that helps me not take it all too seriously.
CM, I know full well there are no guarantees. I was just modeling my question after batsheva’s.
I hear your point about the resume. I guess that’s valid.
I know it isn’t the same for everyone, that wasn’t my point.
I’m coming down on you hard today. I should put that in my resume, ‘sensitive at times’.
‘s okay, I can take it.
Just watch your phraseology: Coming down on me hard can be interpreted in more than one way, especially in this conversation.
hey hey – settle down pun intended
Batsheva,
I would hardly consider implants as “self mutilation”. Millions of women happily dish out thousands of $$$ for bigger knockers, and are quite happy with their results. And the vast majority do it for themselves, not their husbands (they just foot the bill).
Cock, are you talking about frum women or shiksas?
I’m talking about women in general, but I know modern Orthodox women that had them done after they decided to stop having kids.
One of them was fed up having her tiny ones shrink even more after each baby. I know call her “dolly” whenever I see her
I’m pretty sure that having someone cut into your body for no medical benefit, and possible damage (you should see the horror stories of boob jobs gone bad) and place an unnecessary and potentially dangerous foreign object permanently in your body constitutes self-mutilation. The fact that millions of women pay big $ to do it is wholly irrelevant. It is only a testament to the horrible things our breast-obsessed culture does to women’s self-esteem.
On the contrary, it gives them the ability to gain self esteem by just paying for it, and getting a little outpatient procedure.
Back in the old days, you would need to milk like 10,000 cows to get that self esteem.
1. The comment about converts doing better is a result of reading heshy’s posts and converts themselves complaining how they can’t get set up with normal people. I don’t see it being an issue here at all.
2. I’m not sure someone very frum and tsnius would put her vital statistics on a shidduch resume. Look what it opened up here. Also look at her response to dorot. Is that tsnius? Not in my book.
3. I still maintain that there was nothing personal, it was all standard stuff, no interests etc.
4. As for laughing, the point is why does the guy have to make me laugh, like a stand up. When you meet someone you click with you will naturally laugh together. It’s the “make me” bit that is weird. Sound like “entertain me”. When I go out with a guy he doesn’t have to make me laugh. If we like eachother it will happen naturally.
And by it happening naturally he is, in fact… making you laugh. No? I never said I wanted to date a stand up comedian.
Over thinking things my dear – now, after cracking up at these comments all afternoon – I’m off on an afternoon date :p
I have rabies but perfectly normal feet. Interested?
ahaha i am
http://www.autos.ca/forum/Smileys/CarTalk/ttiwwop.gif
I’m too frum to date anyone who reads this site. ie. I’m not frum enough to date anyone who I would date.
I think that about sums up a good number of us here.
now that made me laugh
Thats so true
haha exactly!
Plenty of major rabbanim have been obsessed with cup size too: http://www.neveh.org/pesach/pesblm3.html
Im a C cup, thanks very much.
My ‘measurements’ were a tongue in cheek reference to the amount of talk guys have about looks on this site. Sure, it works both ways. Basically, I’m not a hefer is the point. Funny no one asked my hair or eye colour etc etc
Me,
At your age you should what men are more interested in, now you have your confirmation.
Thanks, Me. And in the spirit of fairness, I’m well over 7 inches, but not quite 8.
Like you said, it works both ways.
Michael K
Reminds me of a line by Joe C z”l (Kid’s Rock’s midget) “I’m a freak hoe call me sick, three foot nine with a ten foot dick”.
C? What 24C?
Hmmm, the women are a lot meaner on this thread than the men are.
Er, no. Obviously.
I’m sure I read on another thread that ur also giyoret who also struggles with dating (excuse if I’ve mixed u up with someone), little bit of support would be nice.
So this turned into a thread about boobs, numbers and comments rather than the original point. No loss and it’s actually kinda amusing.
The equivalent of her saying “Also if you’re hot [and over 5' 7] that helps too” is us saying “what’s your cup size?” You didn’t mention, though, if you can marry a kohen.
she’s a ger duh
FFB-OTD-BBO … no I didn’t mention if I could marry a kohen, but I did say I’m a giyoret, dumbass.
I didn’t know that halacha. Please forgive me.
I have to say, I sent this to Heshy in seriousness to see if I’d get any replies worth following up but the comments have been entertaining on their own.
Do you think this is the information I give to all shachanim? No. We’re on frumsatire.net, so I figured I might as well play along with the type of stuff that get’s talked about on here quite often. So what, I gave my measurements, big deal, if a guy meets me he’s gonna see that I’m far from overweight and that I work out three or four times a week. As for cup size, I did consider putting that with the (as I’ve said, tongue-in-cheek) height/weight/measurements but figured it was probably going to be taken as ‘thinks she’s something special, full of herself etc’ rather than ‘kinda funny’ as I had meant it. Let’s be honest, if I hadn’t put anything physical you’d only have asked if I was a whale.
I think the only way for this thread to progress now is with pictures.
It can be a neck down shot, so you still are anonymous.
And it can be a picture of you doing a mitzva, so that we can pretend its not just a beauty show.
Like, a picture of you shaking a lulav. Umm, no bad idea. Maybe blowing a shofar. Umm, no.
Well, there has to be some jewish ritual that Heshy hasn’t sxualized.
How about a picture of you sitting in the back of a bus?
Dan,
Why not go all out and ask for the mikvah conversion shot, or possibly the video? I believe all mikvah conversions done after 2009 are filmed as proof for the rabbis to ensure the conversion’s validity.
No, only if you converted through a certain Rabbi T.
Dan,
I thought that was the dude with the underwater and changing room cams (just as added levels of stringency of course).
>> Let’s be honest, if I hadn’t put anything physical you’d only have asked if I was a whale.<<
Smart girl. I'm impressed!
Your height and weight would have sufficed. You added measurements. Not smart.
As for me cutting you some slack, if you are really only 110 lbs and 5-4 you should be able to go to some singles events and find someone. Guys like women who don’t eat.
Please stop being so mean, just please. I could really start going off but I am not going to, just please chill out on this girl who seems just alright and is not really deserving of such harsh treatment.
Giyores automatically means you can’t marry a kohen?
FFB-OTD,
Giyores has the technical status of zonah, even though she may not actually be one.
Why wouldn’t she be one? It can’t be that hard- especially with numbers like that.
Now now, let’s be nice, no need to insult people. Besides, she’d need at least double D’s.
I didn’t know that. It was an honest mistake.
How the fah kuck does an FFB not know that? And FFBs always act like converts must not know anything and yet over and over again, even the guys there is always so much they don’t know that they should know.
To be fair, there is a natural bias towards knowing halachos that are relevant to yourself. So a geyores and a kohen would have a reason to know this halacha. But our friend here wouldn’t.
FFB-OTD-BBO:
A. There is a reply button on the right side to reply to a post.
B. What is BBO?
bbo- but back on
I got mixed up because I always think of a ger as starting anew. That and the fact I don’t know why a kohen is allowed to marry an almana but not a gerusha.
It’s called going OTD, mostly because of mean people like you and this bimbo who call people names because they fail to live up to live up your bogus “religious” expectations. She’s a ger so I’m not shocked by her mean response, but you should know better. It’s mean holier than thou frummies like the two of you with your rude remarks that cause people like me to go to off the derech.
G-d forbid somebody doesn’t halacha!!! We’re all going to hell!!
Sorry if you got offended I was being sarcastic. But saying that my ‘mean’ response doesn’t surprise you because I grew up as a non-Jew is ridiculous.
No, I meant your reaction was defensive because you are probably insecure because of it.
Insecure about what exactly?
I’m very proud to be a giyoret and think my experiences and life as a non-Jew will and do make me a much better person and Jewess. I know considerably more Halacha and Jewish knowledge than the average FFB girl my age and I’ve worked very hard to turn my life around and reach a spiritual and practical goal that many other could not. I have nothing to be insecure about, only proud.
Well said! I am constantly learning from non-FFB’s around me. It is always good to be around Jews enthusiastic in their learning, whatever their background.
Frum Jews need to look at our prejudices and not perpetuate negativity towards our fellow Jews.
All the best in Shudduchim!
Insecure about my kohen question. You might have misconstrued it as an insult or being spoken down to by a “frummy”.
Nope. I am a frummy.
Ok. We are going in circles. It was a clear misunderstanding from the start. I hope G-d doesn’t smite me for pissing off a convert. Please MOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYCHEL me. Also, i just want to make it clear to everyone that just because somebody asks a halachic question that might be obvious to you, it doesn’t mean you have a right to expect that the person asking should know it. I hope people are more considerate in the future. This web-site prides itself on defending the “little guy” against stereotypes and holier than thou frummies. Let’s try to be nice to one another and not cause more sinas chaim (even though a lot of Heshy’s posts deal with the humor in baseless hatred and bull crap inside this religion LOL).
Nevermind all that. How’s the afternoon date go?
Not too bad at all, he’s already said he wants to see me again so will c how it goes…
hatzalacha!
does she swallow and is she a screamer?!
I am an FFB BT (which means I was raised frum, but I always need to grow). And I have to say that between Gerim and BTs, you have 90%+ of the vibrancy and energy in the Jewish velt.
I used to bemoan the fact that FFBs won’t marry “down”. But it is increasingly clear to me that it is the other way around – those who change themselves to be frum Jews are the better people. And they are certainly more interesting and dynamic!
So don’t be afraid to marry someone else who has recreated themselves.
Why is Michal so unpleasant?
Too many FFBs pissed me off and I’m a bitter jaded bahwitch?
I’m also jaded. Too many blonde bombshells were converts, and then I wouldn’t date them.
So take it out on other converts–WTF?
Honestly, stop being incredibly rude to her, especially Michal. She sounds like a sweet girl, with good middos. Are the measurements the only thing you paid attention to? Where are your morals, people? And Michal, I bet she is in significantly better shape than you are. It’s pathetic that you really care that much.
She asked Heshy to put up her info and measurements. She gets whatever is the fallout from it. Too bad! As for whether or not she is in better shape than me. Who knows? However, there certainly are skinny girls who are out of shape. Although, if this is the girl that’s an avid swimmer that has guest posted before then you are right, I’m not in good enough shape to swim several miles. Also, note that she has an extremely small bone structure as her bust measurement is smaller than most women’s rib cage. (36 inches is about average size for a rib cage).
Michal finds it unforgivable that men prefer to be attracted to the women they marry. Apparently make-up is a violation of her human rights as well. She’s her own worst enemy, as her bitterness will increase the odds of her failing to notice a good man when he comes along. This may be a blessing for him.
I should ruin my skin to have a man who will leave me for a younger woman anyway?
Oh, by the way, we don’t want men we aren’t attracted to, either so all of you men running after girls 15, 20 or however many years younger, if you don’t go away and we treat you badly (use you) too F-ing bad. You should know we don’t want you.
You really sound like someone who has been abused in the past. Rather than projecting your psychological problems on random people, who have nothing to do with your personal issues, get help.
OP,
Sorry for all the grief you’ve had here.
I make the following comment which has nothing to do with religious observance, birth or even Judaism. I would say the same thing if a friend asked me to review a possible ad for a dating website.
Please don’t say “most importantly can make me laugh.” Frankly, it’s offensive, almost as if you had said “most importantly can support me in the style to which I have become accustomed.”
Some of the great comedians of today, e.g. Robin Williams, Chris Rock, Billy Crystal, Conan O’Brien, Jay Leno, etc., etc. have all told jokes that have fallen flat. And they have staffs of professional comedy writers to write their material.
In your case, you’re from another country with sometimes a different idea of humor. You will recall almost a year ago the British comedian Ricky Gervais ticked off a lot of people with his jokes at the Golden Globe awards in Hollywood. I’m sure he wanted to “make them laugh.”
What you want to say (and what I think others who use the same phrase also want to say) is “most importantly has a good sense of humor.” That conveys an entirely different meaning. Hopefully, you too have a good sense of humor.
Shidduch dating, as I occasionally observe in my local Starbucks, must be pretty stressful to begin with. Why not make it a wee bit easier? After all, you’re not running an audition for Letterman.
Hey, Holmes!
Your point is hidden in poorly-constructed sanctimoniousness. I recommend a remedial writing class, stat.
“Seriously??”,
You don’t know me and I rarely post here so it’s difficult to comprehend why you would attempt to start a pissing contest over a blog post. Unless it’s because you actually either have poor reading comprehension or don’t understand the word “sanctimonious.” Regarding your second post, clearly the point about British v. American sense of humor went right over your head.
Just for fun, actually. I am frequently amused by how many Jews combine incompetence with a superiority complex. Occasionally I enjoy poking the anthill. People like you bring out my inner butthead.
BTW, it is “vs” or “vs.” or even just plain old “v”. But “v.” is not proper usage.
“Seriously??”,
It may be your “inner Butthead” (note capitalization) but it’s more likely your outer douchebag. You employ a medical term, “stat”, “textese” like “BTW” and then purport to lecture me on the use of the well-know abbreviation for “versus.” Google “Miranda v. Arizona” for example.
Incompetence? Stop with the self-centered B.S. and let this be about OP, not you.
Holmes is right about “v.”
And Rickey Gervais was *perfect* at the Globes. Those who were not the butt of the jokes laughed – and let’s face it, the comedic world needs an audience outside Hollywood.
I would go out with you, but I have a thing for non-Jewish girls.
Some pretty cruel comments from some people here/
People are sucky, and/or bitter..
Michal, didn’t you used to have a blog?