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You will boil in your wasted semen

I would say about 90% of the 4 years I spent in yeshiva was devoted in some way to the topic of masturbation. If we were a little more savvy it may have been a talk of sex, but since we weren’t getting much more than solo hand jobs it didn’t make sense to take it to the higher madreiga of sex. They would try to scare us with stories of how we would be cut off from the Jewish people, grow hair on our palms (a nightmare in itself because that would make jerking off that much harder) and loose our memory or devotion or learning. The main kabalistic thing that would happen to chronic seed wasters, was that we would all boil in our own semen when it came time to do our purgatory duties in gehenom.

Tonight it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had always believed in the boiling semen theory, after all, there were millions of potential lives in each of those semens – how else could we seed wasters be repaid for such genocide? Boiling in our own semen seemed like the perfect retribution. However, tonight I decided that no one I knew wasted enough semen to even braise our own bodies in it, let alone get it to a full boil. Maybe a light steaming, poaching or quasi-braise. But to get that much semen would take more years than I have in my life and therefore I think it’s just a myth to try and scare us into celibacy.

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{ 61 comments… add one }
  • A. Nuran November 6, 2011, 12:52 AM

    Sperm are cheap. Eggs are expensive. And since you produce literally hundreds of millions of tadpoles in cream it really doesn’t matter how much you burp the worm. In fact, getting rid of them from time to time increases fertility by getting rid of the old and slow ones.

    • Julie November 6, 2011, 12:53 AM

      Tadpoles in cream. Thanks, now I want to throw up.

    • Ora November 6, 2011, 2:29 AM

      “Burp the worm…”

      *adding this to the list of terms, each indigenous to their own language, and untranslatable*

      Another classic from A. Nuran! 😀

      • Michaltastik November 6, 2011, 11:26 AM

        Let’s not forget, “choke the chicken”

  • OfftheDwannaB November 6, 2011, 1:02 AM

    If they bring it to a boil in a pan and flip you over a few times, they can probably sear you in it. Ahh, sperm seared heshy. Maybe you can put that on your menu at the restaurant.

    • Tinok ShenishBeth November 6, 2011, 2:19 AM

      Great. Now I want to throw-up too.

      • OfftheDwannaB November 6, 2011, 12:51 PM

        You know, a nuran raised the bar pretty high so I had to jump for this one

    • A. Nuran November 6, 2011, 10:15 AM

      And the customers will react with semen indifference

      • OfftheDwannaB November 6, 2011, 12:53 PM

        Ouch that was so stupid I actually hurt myself laughing.

  • JPAC November 6, 2011, 1:10 AM

    This monday there will be a posting directed at Ex Yoelis,ex chassidim,ex yeshivash and ex Bais Yakkov/Ruchel OFF THE DERECH youth, giving parents and educators a most unusual method in handling dropouts.

    • Off the OJ November 6, 2011, 2:00 AM

      I know we’re supposed to ignore this troll but this posting sounds worse than boiling in semen. (Had to say it).

  • Wtf November 6, 2011, 1:44 AM

    A Nuran that was absolutely fucking disgusting. Gah why did you need to say that?

    • A. Nuran November 6, 2011, 2:43 PM

      My job here is done!

  • ISR November 6, 2011, 2:49 AM

    I am not the expert, but I thought it was general boiling in semen and not necessarily you own semen…..of course that makes it all the worse – imagine having to boil in your neighbors semen!

    • Telz Angel November 6, 2011, 9:44 AM

      Something to think about next time you are visiting the local men’s mikva.

  • adam zur November 6, 2011, 3:52 AM

    rebbi nachman saw higher root of sex. Freud insisted in seeing animal urges in all higher human aspirations. And he had to because the teleology of Aristotle had been reject by science for many years and Freud wanted his steam engine model of human psychology to be respected as a science. But this resulted in the amazing failure of psychology to see goals and principles in human beings. and in the frum world the attitude towards sex comes from the puritans–also no insight. The only person that saw deeply enough into the human spirit to see the assume power of sex and to understand it was rebbi nachman.
    many people thought by psychology they would reach sexual happiness. this was the sexual revolution. instead it left people with all the same problem but no way to even begin to understand from where those problems come from. so immediately after the sexual revolution came the extreme vilification of sex by the feminist movement an explicit understanding by therapist and psychologists were all sexual abusers and most men (expect of course physiologist and therapist were all child abusers.)
    In all of this the approach of rebbi nachman is special and amazing–that sex is powerful and holy but needs to be directed towards marriage. because sex is the most powerful force in the universe and the most holy. It is like a atomic reactor.. when it is running alright then there is a great energy and power. but when things get off track –then the result is nothing less than total disaster.

    • Tinok ShenishBeth November 6, 2011, 12:19 PM

      “extreme vilification of sex by the feminist movement”

      What are you talking about? Feminists like sex! We don’t like rape, or exploitation, and we think women are more than just mikva night receptacles – but there is no ‘vilification’.

      • A. Nuran November 6, 2011, 11:50 PM

        Come now, if they have to ask for permission much less pay attention to what you want it’s just no fun.

        • Tinok ShenishBeth November 7, 2011, 12:14 AM

          How do you know? Maybe the things I want are epic fun…

          • A. Nuran November 7, 2011, 12:27 PM

            No fun for them, and that’s all that’s important.

  • zach November 6, 2011, 4:05 AM

    I guess you’ll have interesting company as JC is also supposed to sitting in a big bucket of steamin’ semen.

  • G*3 November 6, 2011, 7:16 AM

    Clever.

  • AztecQueen2000 November 6, 2011, 7:43 AM

    Whatever happened to “you’ll go blind?”

    • Telz Angel November 6, 2011, 9:43 AM

      Think of it this way — Millions of men with perfect vision are the counter-example of this fable. Once you realize that men have strong handshakes for a good reason, and yet they are not all blind… Well, you realize that this cannot be true.

      Yes, from now on when you think about any man, you should realize what he probably does in his spare time. And if you are indeed an AztecQueen — he is quite possibly thinking about you when he’s doing it.

    • A. Nuran November 6, 2011, 2:47 PM

      And nobody I know has to shave his palms.

  • Count November 6, 2011, 9:17 AM

    Interesting maths question.

    The average emission is 10ml – about 1/3rd of a Ff OZ.
    If a man commits this averah once a week for a year – 52 times – it will fill a 17oz cup. But a dorm full of Yeshivah bochers would probably beat that [ah, good pun] and knock out 2 pints a year at least

    I think it’s possible to sustain that for 30 years at least – so thats 60 pints of wasted semen comfortably – nearly 8 gallons.

    Enough to boil a baby perhaps but not an adult male.

    But, that’s only twice a week for 30 years. Speaking personally, I think it it possible to create enough semen over a lifetime to boil in and I am now worrited

    • Michaltastik November 6, 2011, 11:30 AM

      Once a week? I thought guys jerked off about 5 times a day.

      • Telz Angel November 6, 2011, 1:36 PM

        I think it’s one of those questions you ask on your second date with a guy, if you really like him. If he is man enough to answer you, that is. He’ll understand that if the dating goes well, you’ll remove the need for his frequency.

        5 times a day! every day? — that’s only for the pros, my dear. Mere mortals, not so much. Not without help from your roommates (at least at Telz). However this question might make for a good reader-poll on this site. I’d be honest. Well then again, I don’t reveal my identity here, so….

      • A. Nuran November 6, 2011, 2:46 PM

        There’s a difference between a fourteen year old and a forty year old.

        • Tinok ShenishBeth November 6, 2011, 11:59 PM

          This is true, but experience is far better than enthusiasm.

          • Lirehagi November 7, 2011, 8:56 PM

            Ben Franklin said the same thing! In a letter advising a friend on how to select a mistress (friend didn’t want to marry), he said to go for an older woman. One of the reasons he gives is that older women are more skilled, from all of their experiences.

  • Count November 6, 2011, 9:17 AM

    Interesting maths question.

    The average emission is 10ml – about 1/3rd of a Ff OZ.
    If a man commits this averah once a week for a year – 52 times – it will fill a 17oz cup. But a dorm full of Yeshivah bochers would probably beat that [ah, good pun] and knock out 2 pints a year at least

    I think it’s possible to sustain that for 30 years at least – so thats 60 pints of wasted semen comfortably – nearly 8 gallons.

    Enough to boil a baby perhaps but not an adult male.

    But, that’s only twice a week for 30 years. Speaking personally, I think it it possible to create enough semen over a lifetime to boil [24 gallons should so it] in and I am now worried

    • Telz Angel November 6, 2011, 9:39 AM

      “Interesting maths question”
      Plural “maths” means that you are a Brit (or from some British influenced country. Welcome.

      Twice a week? What are you married with 14 kids who never sleep and always hog the bathroom? A normal bucher (teenage to young 20s) might be able to shlug kapores (klap hoshanos) twice a day. With internet access, no problem.

      BTW, I love it that you did the calculation and assume that the punishment is literal — yet, that when you boil — the “you” who is boiling is you as an adult male, and not your “material neshama” which might be something of a smaller volume.

      • Count November 6, 2011, 2:06 PM

        You caught me, I am a British. And I went to so much trouble using US measurements too but I was caught out by the “Math”

        Yes, the point of adding it all up was to take a very literal view of what is really a spiritual concept – but just as an excersise in curiousity rather than taking a view on the deeper meanings. Plus I wanted to know what I’d eeked out [I reckon about 39 litres – 68 British Pints, 82 US Pints]

        • U Avi November 6, 2011, 3:24 PM

          Well Good.

  • Kabablank November 6, 2011, 9:32 AM

    I tried to see how this boiling process works. I collected enough baby batter over the past month (thank G-d for the internet) to pour into a small saucepan. Then I heated it up into a boil. I actually wanted to boil an egg — thinking that it would be spiritually ironic.

    My jew-goo just started to smell and stick to the sides of the pan — no boiling action. And then I realized the worst part… I treifed another pot. Darn.

    • A. Nuran November 6, 2011, 10:25 AM

      Had you treifed the pot? I thought human tissue was spiritually different than animal tissue.

    • Sarah November 6, 2011, 2:06 PM

      It’s not traif, humans are pareve. >.>

      • Lirehagi November 6, 2011, 3:56 PM

        Yeah, should you every be in a position where if you don’t eat human flesh you’ll die, you say shehakol. This probably makes all bodily fluids shehakol by extension

      • Kabablank November 6, 2011, 4:13 PM

        So in the classic question — “should she spit or swallow?”, you are saying that she can swallow — it’s not treif, and it’s parve. Thanks for the clarification.

        • Tinok ShenishBeth November 7, 2011, 12:19 AM

          The trick is saying shehakol with your mouth full.

  • ari November 6, 2011, 10:04 AM

    that picture is hilarious

  • Yochanan November 6, 2011, 10:52 AM

    Considering that a humans use sexual reproduction, I wouldn’t consider a sperm cell to be a “potential life”.

    True, it could eventually fertilize an egg cell. But, until then, it is just “alive” as any other cell in the body.

  • yankel November 6, 2011, 1:15 PM

    I’m sure you jerk off now at least as much as you did when you were 15, especially since noiw you are “experienced” and only slow down on the jerking off when you have a cheap whore around to practice with for when you get hitched…

    • A. Nuran November 6, 2011, 2:48 PM

      And I’m sure you only slow down when you can corner a little boy in the mikvah.

  • Catholic Mom November 6, 2011, 2:16 PM

    According to Father Guido Sarducci, this particular sin costs 25 cents a pop (so to speak).

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0AKvRvL5r3A

    • Telz Angel November 6, 2011, 7:57 PM

      My fav sketch of his, by far. If only he was the real deal there would be a good reason to become catholic. Alas, I can afford the change. Although “it adds up quickly” — it’s worth it.

  • taylor November 6, 2011, 7:29 PM

    It’s simple. Even if you don’t masturbate, your balls will not burst, the sperm would simply spill out of its own every few months. Similar to how women have periods.

    • Tinok ShenishBeth November 7, 2011, 12:09 AM

      I am guessing that this information was obtained by studying men who had tragic accidents involving both hands being cut off?

      • taylor November 8, 2011, 7:55 PM

        i don’t masturbate. Somehow, i’m not any worse off.

    • A. Nuran November 8, 2011, 9:11 PM

      Your knowledge of anatomy and physiology is staggering. Almost as great as that of chazal.

  • adam zur November 7, 2011, 2:17 AM

    Tinok ShenishBeth November 6, 2011 at 12:19 PM

    extreme vilification of sex by the feminist movement

    “What are you talking about? Feminists like sex!”

    The established principle in “sexual harassment” law is that sexual images in the workplace, even in one case a man merely keeping a picture of his wife, wearing a bathing suit, on his desk, constitute a “hostile environment” to female workers. Sexual images may be unwelcome or disturbing to some, or at least distracting, like Goya’s Naked Maja in a classroom, to which some feminist professor objected.
    To feminists the very idea sex means “hostility”.

  • Four Knuckle Shuckle November 7, 2011, 7:55 AM

    I simply cannot let a post on masturbation go by without a comment from the Four Knuckle Shuckler. While the conversation is interesting, the act of masturbating (burping the worm, chocking the chicken, etc.) always ends the same way. I have become more interested in the process. Do you prefer dry or lube? Straight grip or western? Fast and get it over with or do you get romantic with yourself? Need visual stimulation or is imagination (memories of a previous encounter) sufficient? Discuss.

  • Dave November 7, 2011, 6:22 PM

    Could everyone stop with the comments? It’s making guys squieez the salami

  • Fellow Meat Beater January 18, 2012, 8:14 PM

    Did you ever try to estimate how many demon children you and Lilith have conceived over the years? Its staggering!! If they had any legal standing in US Family court, I would be broke as a joke.

    • A. Nuran January 18, 2012, 10:42 PM

      Since these are the only children I’m likely to have in this life, I guess I should play solos on the skin-flute more often.

  • asher yatzar. . nekavim January 22, 2012, 10:06 PM

    so is it bad, like healthwise &/or ethicly? because a guy i know sais the whole tehilim for every ‘banana peel’ used. He’s tearing himself apart [haha] and makes himself feel like $hit, does he need to put himself through that? Oh and why are the posts mostly from girls not guys? …

  • B.BarNavi January 23, 2012, 7:28 PM

    Guize, it’s impossible for semen to boil. It congeals and cooks just like egg whites. So yes, this bubbe (rebbe?) mayseh is just another piece of hooey.

    Getting seared by jizz-omelettes, OTOH…

    • A. Nuran January 23, 2012, 9:20 PM

      If rabbonim with Daas Torah say it can boil it can boil. To contradict them is aporikes!

      Die, heretic!

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