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Top 10 frummy obsessions

31 comments

God provided me this idea in the middle of shemona esrei, I was saying chonen h’daas which is a pretty cool blessing for someone who sometimes takes the brain for granted and God put forth the idea to write about the frummy obsession with Wal Mart. I was thinking of this, because although Wal Mart is an evil corporation, frummies don’t seem to be into the whole boycotting thing and besides, workers rights are a socialist thing that goes against everything Rush and Palin stand for.

Top 10 frummy obsessions:

Moshiach in times of distress: Every time something bad happens in the frum community, you can be sure that everyone will start to claim moshiach must be on his way, apparently he’s/she’s been on the way for thousands of years and although he came multiple times, the non-Jews never recognized the validity of Judaism (I wonder what stream will be the one Moshiach annouces is authentic – I can imagine the uproarif conservative or even chabas is picked as the right way to practice Judaism by our savior) Right after Lieby Kletzky and the Kabalist stabbing there was a lot of talk of moshiach and then with the Earthquake and Hurricane, oy, moshiach was in the air After 9-11- it was moshiach.

Pizza: As mentioned earlier in the week, frummies are obsessed with pizza, it’s like the frummy version of going to the movies. Saturday night is pizza night, kids off from school? Time to get pizza. Legal holiday? Pizza Time…A frum community doesn’t have the chance of growth without kosher pizza, that’s how I know the bay area is doomed and Izzy’s par-baked pizza doesn’t count.

Blaming the Gay’s: It’s becoming a frum obsession to blame the gays and gay marriage for everything, don’t you think it’s just the goofy Rabbi Levin pulling this BS way of deciding why God is doing something, it’s everyone – you can’t sit through a frum speech nowadays without hearing about the gays – frummies are obsessed with gays. I’m just waiting for some big Rav to come out of the closet and announce he’s moshiac in a pizza store on ave J on motzoi shabbos.

Wal Mart: Granted, in many places there’s not much open past 9pm besides for Wal Mart, but frummies have this crazy obsession with Wal Mart – maybe because they sell everything at the lowest prices, where else can you find pas yisroel bread made in china and gaze upon such cool devices like televisions and women’s intimate wear. The aisles are also 5 times as wide as the local frum grocer and Wal Mart is used to poor folks with dozens of children running amok at all hours of the night – so I guess frummies fit right in.

Shidduchim: Every parents worst fear is having an older girl in shidduchim, so of course they’re obsessed, the second their daughter hits 22 they start these tehilim sessions and looking closer at those segulah ads in the Yated promising a shidduch if you donate a bunch of money to some very sephardic looking guy bent over a baba sali. Frummies also love making shidduchim, although judging from the shidduch crisis they may want to seek a new profession, like selling snoods in their basements.

Tznius: Whether it has to do with maintaining tznius or blaming something on tznius, you can hardly have a discussion with someone of the frummy nature and not run into the tznius gauntlet. Tznius is a great way to keep women down, while convincing women that they are on a higher spiritual level and that’s why men don’t have to take responsibility for their own actions.

Gedolim: They are the leaders that know all and one of the requirements of being afrummy in the first place is to always agree with the gedolim, regardless of the fact that they are only human, fact is they aren’t only human – they are super human, at least they are now that Making of a Gadol was banned and we cannot see that they were in fact real human beings and not god’s.

Chinese Auctions: It seems like everyone is doing it and you can be sure if someone has one of these things, they have to be a frummy, who else would bid on cherry wood book cases and fully stocked garage freezer – the type that every frummy woman dreams about.

Being frum: It’s true, frummies are obsessed with being frum, but what strikes me as interesting is that most of the stuff they seem to notice is external, like how how your mechitza is, ow black your hat is and how shiny your yarmulke – basically they car about being frum as long as others can see how frum they are.

Chumras: Part of trying to be really frum is trying to always think of new chumras, go and take a look at any frum forum and you will see the frummies trying to sling shit around by saying that no one is tznius anymore, no one respects their elders and that we have to do something about this – pther frummies joion in the mix by saying they have noticd this and that it’s high time for change, no one offers solutions except for more chumras, kind of like not enforcing the current laws and just adding to things already on the books.

Search for frummies and their obsessions on 4torah.com

 

  • Telz Angel

    11. Obsessing about whether something is “good for the Jews? or no?” For example, anyone who is self-critical of frummies is causing a HUGE chillul hashem. Chillul Hashem’s are bad for the Jews. Raising money for Yeshivas? good for the Jews. But from evangelical Christians? that’s bad for the Jews. What about Jews in politics? usually bad for the Jews (think Monica Lewinsky, Elliot Spitzer, etc.) but sometimes, good for the Jews (Senator Lieberman — but only when he wears his yarlmulke). Indian hair? great for the Jews — Indian Hair and the playful god Ganesh? bad, very bad for the Jews. Everything in this world can be classified this way — and should.

    • http://twitter.com/MotyRaven Moty

      To quote my old Rosh Yeshiva: “If it’s good for me, I like it. If it’s bad for me, I don’t like it. If it’s equal, I don’t care.”

    • Hannie

      Also the Weiner dude.

  • UTUAZ

    Very very funny post.

  • Ex UWSer

    Re: “Chinese auctions.” Notice that only Frummies use that term. Everyone else calls them silent auctions. Personally, I don’t see anything in the least bit Chinese about them.

    • A. Nuran

      I’ve been to auctions with lots of Chinese bidders. There was NOTHING silent about them.

  • http://yeshivaforum.wordpress.com OfftheDwannaB

    What about “the internet”? If anything’s destroying society and screwing up God’s previously perfect plan, it’s the internet.

  • The Real Joe

    Really funny I swear when I read your line about the pizza I jumped out of my seat to heat up a couple of slices that my sister bought me yeaterday

  • trolly mctrollerson

    The Bay Area used to have good (albeit pricey) thin crust pizza at Rafael’s on Center in Berkeley; i think it was long gone by the time you got out here though.

  • http://twitter.com/MotyRaven Moty

    The blame it on the gays thing is especially dumb because many Gedolim of past generations have said that it’s complete B.S. to suggest we have any clue why Hashem gives us hardships, R’ Yaakov Kaminetzky, The Steipler, The Chazon Ish, among others.

    • Ex UWSer

      That was true in the past. Today, however, we have rabbis blaming gay marriage for the earthquake and hurricane Irene.

  • http://starofdavida.blogspot.com Talia bat Pessi

    My Jewish History teacher was talking about how Visigoth Spain was struck by a bunch of natural disasters, and she was like, “Back then people wondered what God was trying to say to them, and a lot of people are wondering that nowadays too. I don’t wanna say anything like that it’s because of same-gender marriage, but…yeah.”

    She couldn’t even say the word “gay” or “same-sex.” And apparently she likes being really passive-aggressive. I expect a fun year.

    My former principal also told us that the Itamar massacre was our fault because we don’t keep tznius well enough. (No, I’m not kidding or exaggerating. She told us that if we kept tznius better, bad things like Itamar wouldn’t happen.)

    • A. Nuran

      Isn’t it amazing how flashing an elbow can force the Lord to start earthquakes and hurricanes? I guess that makes a girls ta-tas more powerful than God.

      • http://starofdavida.blogspot.com Talia bat Pessi

        Yes. This principal was also famous for having an obsessive hatred of pencil skirts. Apparently tights-covered knees exposed while sitting has an immediate cause-effect on murders in Israel. I’m sure she has some insanely offensive lack-of-tznius connection to Leiby Kletzky z”l too.

  • 770

    can you please shed some light on chabad’s obsession with the number 770?! i have been in a few chabad communities and all the cell numbers and license plates are numbered (somehow) 770. kinda freaky….

    • AztecQueen2000

      It’s the address (street number) of their Crown Heights headquarters.)

      • Ex UWSer

        770 Eastern Parkway.
        Speaking of Chabad obsessions, what’s up with their obsession over the French national anthem?

    • Mike

      ??? ???? = 770

      lol

  • zach

    Heshy, you keep getting better and better!

  • neil

    this is a rant but it is still pretty much on target.

    the obsessions with walmart and pizza are simple. frummies have lots of kids and are therefore always pressed for money, so they shop in cheap places like walmart, and they buy cheap food like pizza.

    Maybe do a topic about why frummies insist on having so many kids, which is the obvious cause of many many problems in the communitiy

    • Frumilicious

      There are 2 reasons that I could think ofwhy frummies insist on having a lot of kids and castigate those who don’t have more than 2.5 kids (those who use contraceptives are seen as being selfish thus delaying the arrival of Moshiach.) should be obvious :
      1) They base in on the biblical commandment to be fruitful and multiply.A lot of them take it literally and misinterpret that to mean to have as many children as nature will allow.
      2) They feel its crucial to repopulate the world with more Jewish children to replenish the loss of the 6 million Jews that perished in the holocaust. In general, I hate it when people use the holocaust to manipulate others such as those who intermarry or can’t reproduce for whatever reason and accuse them as fulfilling Hitler’s wishes in destroying world’s Jewry.

      I can’t explain the other reasons why frummies spend beyond their means if they are always strapped for cash. Even shopping at these “cheaper stores” adds up.

      • A. Nuran

        A couple other reasons. Not as flattering but more realistic

        1) Unlike most people, who got the message about the Demographic Transistion a couple generations ago, frummies live in self-enforced ignorance. They’re still popping ‘em out as if infant mortality was sky-high.

        2) Typical authoritarian cult behavior includes exaggerated gender roles. Women are baby factories with legs. Keeping them constantly pregnant or encumbered with small children keeps them obedient. Hence spewings from various rabbis about how a family with three years between spawning is “murdering Jews”.

        3) More offspring, more Section 8, more WIC, more Medicaid.

  • neil

    *if you didnt already

  • David

    1. I think this post has a lot of potential, but instead of being funny, a lot of it comes across a bit too harshly.
    2. I think part of the tznius bit is flat out wrong. The tznius “enforcers” are almost exclusively female. Why they care so much? I have no idea.

    • A. Nuran

      The ones who throw acid on girls are mostly female?
      The ones who beat up grandmothers who sit at the front of the bus are female?
      How about the ones who throw feces and destroy merchandise at stores which permit normally-dressed women?
      And the ones who beat up girls for talking to boys?
      And the rabbis who keep coming up with Taliban-style restrictions on women are all female Reform rabbis, right?

  • Tirtza

    All very funny and all very true- and I have actually won a bookcase and a free sheitel wash and style in Chinese auctions!
    I love to think I’m very with it, but in reality my whole life seems like a Frumsatire joke

  • http://www.chabad.org PeleYoetzElGiborAviAdSarShalom

    It is always true that with the passing of every day, the day of my arrival is closer. But these people who say that this or that brings my arrival closer …. they crack me up. If there was anything to it, you would think that I would arrived during the crusades …. during the inquisition … the khmelnytsky pogroms … the holocaust …. . Get some perspective … if this didn’t do it – allowing same sex marriage in NY surely won’t do the job.

  • Shlomo is at Shul

    Can somebody please explain the whole obsession with tsnius? Of all the laws that can be obsessed about, where does this come from? I had believed my whole life that the torah forbids pre-marital sex. Then one day somebody says to me that other than adultery, the torah never forbids pre-marital sex. In fact, that is true! In this past week’s parsha, it says that if a man lies with a virgin “and they are discovered”, he has to pay the father and cannot divorce the woman. That is as close as we get, and that’s not very close since the woman has to be a virgin and they have to be “discovered”. It seems to me the torah is really talking about the shame of the discovery, not some kind of prohibition on the sex. It would seem to me that if pre-marital sex was forbidden, the torah would just say so-just like it does with all sorts of incestuous relationships. So if the torah does not forbid pre-marital sex (and I’m not talking about all the latter-day prohibitions that cropped up-just the torah itself), it seems awfully strange for frummies to obsess about this when there are so many explicit and clear torah laws that get so little, if any, attention- cheating in business, not withholding a worker’s pay overnight, letting workers take the fruit that falls etc.

    • Frumilicious

      Sex is a taboo subject that is often not discussed in frum communities. Where I came from, I was told that boys were off limits until I was married.I was never really explained about the negative consequences of not being shomer negiah in a relationship. All I was told that good Jewish girls (and boys) don’t touch each other because its not something we do in our circles. Those who were seen holding hands and even being a bit physically playful were automatically assumed to be sexually active and their character was questioned. While I wasn’t shomer before I was married, there were girls I knew who grew up in more frum insular environments that were far more promiscuous than the less observant girls I know. There were girls who went to Bais Ya’kov were seen clubbing and drinking with non Jews. When they are in Shidduchim, they act all innocent as if nothing happened prior to that.Their husbands are clueless about their past.
      The biblical reason for the prohibition of pre-marital sex is akin to the prohibition of a man not being able to sleep with his wife during her menstrual period. Most women are considered Niddah until they have immersed themselves in the mikvah and therefore they are sexually/physically prohibited to men.Since mikvahs are only limited to married women, single women (and men) are forbidden from having sex at all. Since any woman who is not married to a man is considered a Niddah and we can assume that it falls under the category of pre-marital sex. Back then if you slept with someone, you were essentially consummating your marriage with that person or declaring him/her your spouse through sexual relations with him/her.

  • AstroTheSpaceDog

    Sushi?

  • Yochanan

    Heshy can you do a list of things that, while not against Halakha, are considered Goyish?:

    Like gardening or couples holding hands.

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