By Avi Stavsky
Shimi’s parents were discussing his future, now that he finished yeshiva.
“Maybe we should send him to college for a while?” says his mother. “He needs to learn something of the outside world. All he knows is yeshiva life.”
“Well I don’t think that’s a great idea, Miriam. What he if gets exposed to all kinds of situations and loses his frumkeit?”
They argue back and forth for a while, and in the end Shimi’s father relents. It is decided he’ll spend a term at Brandeis.
In the beginning, Shimi phones home every week, excited about his studies, the people he meets, the whole college scene. Then the phone calls wind down to a trickle. And a week goes by, another week, and nothing from Shimi. The parents call but there’s no answer. They’re about to fly down to Brandeis to visit him and see what’s going on when the phone rings.
“Tate, Mama, I’ve got news for you guys. Well actually, it’s good news and bad news.”
There’s a perceptive collective groan on the other end. “See, Miriam, I told you nothing good will come out of this!” But Miriam is not easily discouraged. “Tell us the good news first, Shimi. Bad news can always wait.”
“The good news: I met a wonderful girl. She’s from a wonderful mishpocha, she davens three times a day, she has yichus, personality and is gorgeous. And we’re going to get married in a couple of months!”
The parents breathe a sigh of relief. “See, Chaim, I told you college would work out for him!” “What’s the bad news, Shimi?” Chaim says into the speakerphone.
“The bad news is…she’s…a rabbi.”
Yossele and Rivka were celebrating their wedding night. Rivka, the nervous bride, is already undressed and waiting for Yossele. The latter is sitting by the hotel window, staring outside.
“Yossele,” says Rivka, “aren’t you coming to bed? What’s so interesting outside?”
“Sha, Rivka,” he answers. “I asked the Rebbe what would happen tonight, and he said my wedding night would be the most beautiful night of my life. Well, I don’t want to miss any of it!”
“Rebbe,” asks Shmuelik, “I’m getting married tomorrow. What shall I do? I don’t know anything about sex.”
The Rebbe scratches his head for a second. “It’s very easy, Shmuelik,” comes the answer, “When you’re in bed with your wife and you’re both undressed, just put your hand on her…um… stomach and rub it gently. Everything else will fall naturally into place.”
The Big Moment comes and Shmuelik and Saraleh are in bed. Shmuelik, as instructed, put his hand on Saraleh’s stomach and rubs gently.
“WELL, SARALEH, IS THIS O.K.? DO YOU LIKE IT?” he says loud enough for the people in the next town to hear.
“Yes, yes, Shmuelik….but….please, lower….lower….”
“NU, SARALEH, IS THIS O.K.? DO YOU LIKE IT?”
Moishe goes to his Rebbe and says, “Rebbe, I have a problem. As you know, I got married three months ago. “
“So?” asks the Rebbe, “What’s wrong?”
“Well, Chanaleh is having a baby any day now. How is this possible?”
The Rebbe stares at Moishe intently. “Moishe, you married Chanaleh three months ago?”
“And Chanaleh married YOU three months ago?”
“Yes, that’s right, Rebbe”.
“So together you and Chanaleh have been married…..three months?”
“Moishe, how much is 3 times 3?”
“So why are you bothering me with foolish questions?”
Rebbe Mordechai was explaining the laws of marriage to the graduating class girls of Bais Yaakov.
“….And under no circumstances, remember, must you EVER allow your husband to practice masturbation, which is against all rules of the Torah….”
A hand raises from the back of the class. “Rebbe, what about the wives? Is masturbation forbidden them too?”
“Chaya Sora,” comes the angry response, “now what kind of a stupid question is THAT? You KNOW women don’t have penises!”