Yeshivish Jokes

Tales from the yeshiva:

By Avi Stavsky

Shimi’s parents were discussing his future, now that he finished yeshiva.

“Maybe we should send him to college for a while?” says his mother. “He needs to learn something of the outside world. All he knows is yeshiva life.”

“Well I don’t think that’s a great idea, Miriam. What he if gets exposed to all kinds of situations and loses his frumkeit?”

They argue back and forth for a while, and in the end Shimi’s father relents. It is decided he’ll spend a term at Brandeis.

In the beginning, Shimi phones home every week, excited about his studies, the people he meets, the whole college scene.  Then the phone calls wind down to a trickle.  And a week goes by, another week, and nothing from Shimi. The parents call but there’s no answer.  They’re about to fly down to Brandeis to visit him and see what’s going on when the phone rings.

“Tate, Mama, I’ve got news for you guys. Well actually, it’s good news and bad news.”

There’s a perceptive collective groan on the other end. “See, Miriam, I told you nothing good will come out of this!”  But Miriam is not easily discouraged. “Tell us the good news first, Shimi. Bad news can always wait.”
“The good news: I met a wonderful girl. She’s from a wonderful mishpocha, she davens three times a day, she has yichus, personality and is gorgeous. And we’re going to get married in a couple of months!”

The parents breathe a sigh of relief. “See, Chaim, I told you college would work out for him!”  “What’s the bad news, Shimi?” Chaim says into the speakerphone.
“The bad news is…she’s…a rabbi.”

———————————————————————————————————–

Yossele and Rivka were celebrating their wedding night.  Rivka, the nervous bride, is already undressed and waiting for Yossele. The latter is sitting by the hotel window, staring outside.

“Yossele,” says Rivka, “aren’t you coming to bed?  What’s so interesting outside?”

“Sha, Rivka,” he answers.  “I asked the Rebbe what would happen tonight, and he said my wedding night would be the most beautiful night of my life.  Well, I don’t want to miss any of it!”

——————————————————————————————————–

“Rebbe,” asks Shmuelik, “I’m getting married tomorrow.  What shall I do?  I don’t know anything about sex.”

The Rebbe scratches his head for a second.  “It’s very easy, Shmuelik,” comes the answer, “When you’re in bed with your wife and you’re both undressed, just put your hand on her…um… stomach and rub it gently.  Everything else will fall naturally into place.”

The Big Moment comes and Shmuelik and Saraleh are in bed.  Shmuelik, as instructed, put his hand on Saraleh’s stomach and rubs gently.

“WELL, SARALEH, IS THIS O.K.?  DO YOU LIKE IT?” he says loud enough for the people in the next town to hear.

“Yes, yes, Shmuelik….but….please, lower….lower….”

“NU, SARALEH, IS THIS O.K.?  DO YOU LIKE IT?”

————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

Moishe goes to his Rebbe and says, “Rebbe, I have a problem.  As you know, I got married three months ago. “

“So?” asks the Rebbe, “What’s wrong?”

“Well, Chanaleh is having a baby any day now. How is this possible?”

The Rebbe stares at Moishe intently.  “Moishe, you married Chanaleh three months ago?”

“Yes.”

“And Chanaleh married YOU three months ago?”
“Yes, that’s right, Rebbe”.

“So together you and Chanaleh have been married…..three months?”

“Yes, Rebbe.”

“Moishe, how much is 3 times 3?”

“Nine, Rebbe.”

“So why are you bothering me with foolish questions?”

—————————————————————————————————-

Rebbe Mordechai was explaining the laws of marriage to the graduating class girls of Bais Yaakov.

“….And under no circumstances, remember, must you EVER allow your husband to practice masturbation, which is against all rules of the Torah….”

A hand raises from the back of the class.  “Rebbe, what about the wives?  Is masturbation forbidden them too?”

“Chaya Sora,” comes the angry response, “now what kind of a stupid question is THAT? You KNOW women don’t have penises!”

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Neal

    last one made me laugh out loud

    • Avrumy

      Ditto!!!

      • Schwartzie

        yup!

        • yankelyoffen

          lol totally

    • A. Nuran

      Saved the best for last

  • great eye

    nisht shlecht

  • Mike

    The kallah-to-be comes to her Rebbe & says “Rebbe, I lost my hymen years ago when I was riding a horse. Now I’m getting married & I’m afraid my husband will think I’m not a virgin and divorce me. What do I do?”
    The Rebbe thinks a bit, and says I have an eitza. Carefull peel off the outer skin from a salami, and insert it inside you. Your choson will never know the difference.”
    The kallah follows his advice.
    About a week later, the Rebbe sees the husband in the Beis Medrash and asks him, “Nu? It vos gut?”
    The smiling husband says, “Ya! Mit a hechsher nucht!”

    • A. Nuran

      *smirk*
      *snort*
      BWHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

  • John

    One of my faves:
    A Rebbi is in cheder teaching chumash, they get to parsha of dina’s abduction. The Rebbi Reads them Rashi: “vayishkav imah = kedarka, vayanehu = shelo kedarka” A kid raises his hand and asks “Rebbi voos heist shelo kedarka?” The Rebbi smacks him and replies “In kedarka veizt di yah?!)

    • yankelyoffen

      lol this one has ah yiddishe ta’am

  • http://yeshivaforum.wordpress.com OfftheDwannaB

    The problem with all these old jewish jokes is that p*rn has made them all seem dated. The average yeshiva guy has watched more s*x scenes than you can shake a stick at. (Hmm. That phrase actually made sense.)

    Here’s another jewish joke an old rabbi told me at a wedding:

    Chaim, a shy baal tfilah, finally gets married. When he gets to the hotel room with his wife, he just sits nervously on one end of the bed. His wife finally tells him, “Chaim, nu haib duch un”
    Immediately Chaim starts, “Shoichen ad…”

    • John

      Thank you! i thought ive heard them all. This one made me lol

      • http://yeshivaforum.wordpress.com OfftheDwannaB

        :) Ya that joke is good. Dirty enough, but still pretty clean. Like some of Henny Youngman’s better stuff.

  • Yoreh K’chetz

    Now a clean one for a change: Pirkei Avot says the world stands on three things: Torah, Avodah, Gemilut chassadim.

    Torah = I learn.
    Avodah = My wife works.
    Gemilut Chassadim = My in laws support us.

    • A. Nuran

      :)

    • ish_elokim

      great line

  • daniel

    ahh… too much yiddish for a ger.

    • Mordche

      Or you could learn Yiddish like me.

  • Pingback: Today’s Comedy Link Love | Achshav

  • http://deleted Lirehagi

    The 3×3 is in an old Larry Wilde book from the 70s

  • Pingback: Trackback