Kelsey Media

Frum sex positions

31 comments

I was looking at a book of sex positions in one of my favorite book stores in San Francisco one erev shabbos and it featured every crazy sex position done by crash test dummies – except this book added the scat aspect to it all – so I’m standing there laughing my ass off when suddenly the yetzer harah gave me the crazy idea to write about frum sex positions – I just wish I had some frum looking crash test dummies to set these up for you to see – so instead I go tznius and just give you the names – you all have to use your imaginations or try them out and get back to me.

Downward facing Talmud

The thumb dip

The horizontal shuckel

Bimah Bendover

The shtender lean

Layshev Basukah

The violent shuckel

The sit down shuckel

The Hoshanah Clopper

Biur Chometz (with a wooden spoon)

The afikoman breaker

The Bimah Clop

Chanies Cholent

Mikvah Night Menchlachkeit

  • sex

    halo, any guy that finally has sex, doesnt care in what way- he has been waiting 20 yrs or more for this day and just wants to get it on.

    • shmul

      like

  • http://alarbean.wordpress.com DrumIntellect

    The yarmulke twist

  • http://yeshivaforum.wordpress.com OfftheDwannaB

    I just clicked on that related link “frum jewish prn titles” and there’s such an awesome comment by “shlomo”:

    ‘For the gay series, I think Shalom Al Yisroel, Sim Nah Yadcha Tachas Yereichi, and Tamid B’Simcha would be high sellers.’

    That is a frikkin classic.

    • FFB-OTD-BBO

      like

      • Anonymous

        BBO ?

    • http://righteousrasha.blogspot.com Tova

      “Shalom Al Yisroel” and “Tamid B’Simcha” made me laugh until I cried.

  • Bubba Metzia

    Here’s another one straight from the Gemara: Overturning the set table.

    Nedarim 20b

    • Telz Angel

      And falling off the roof of the building.

      And sitting on the tree stump.

      • http://twitter.com/the_shmobagel shmobagel

        are you refering to a case mentioned in rambam talking about yibbum? – “Halacha 4 When does the above apply? When [the yavam] intends to perform a s-xual act. If, however, he fell from the roof [with an erection] and [accidentally] inserted his organ into his yevamah, had relations with her when he was so intoxicated that he was not conscious of anything,15 or when he was asleep, he does not acquire her [as his wife].

        If he intended to masturbate in a hole in the wall and unintentionally inserted his organ into his yevamah, he does not acquire her [as his wife].16 If he intended to sodomize an animal and unintentionally inserted his organ into his yevamah, he does acquire her [as his wife].17″ quoted from http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/960620/jewish/Chapter-Two.htm

        • DC

          These kinds of unintentional sexual acts are hypothetical cases in the talmud.

  • me

    You forgot these:
    The wedding night “chosson al kallah”, and the gay one: “Sholom al Yisroel”!

  • Hot!

    This article gave me a boner, therefore it is a very good article.

  • DC

    The Section 8

  • Telz Angel

    I’d give credit on the Buir chometz one to R’ Pinky’s awesome pre-pesach post on yeast infections and pesach oral favors.

  • DC

    The Sushi Buffet
    The chinese auction egroll
    Metzitza bfeh
    Waving the species
    The rebbe’s tisch
    yidden, kimt aher
    The reverse borsalino
    Aiver min hachai

    • Telz Angel

      Gevaltic!

  • Ak

    Shabbos hot plate
    Kelim shleshi

  • Frummer

    I think I am missing something here – Is it suppose to be the name thats funny or the position?
    I dont really see whats funny here – unless you are still in yeshiva and haven’t had sex.

    • devil

      “unless you are still in yeshiva and haven’t had sex”

      true- that’s exactly the scenario

  • Yoreh K’chetz

    One for the lubabs: Lechatchila ariber.

  • Anonymous

    the upshlugger

  • me

    Two very popular positions among marred Orthodox couples:
    The “S&M” she Sleeps while he Masturbates;
    The “Doggie-style”: he sits and begs (with sad puppy eyes for extra points) while she rolls over and plays dead!

  • zev

    The anti-missionary position

  • alejandro abramoff

    The Tree Striker – from the expression in Kesuvos ‘mookas eitz’ where the newlywed husband finds his wife isn’t a virgin, and she blames her lack of hymen on anything other than sex.

  • Louis Farizee

    The beard stroke.

    The peyis twist.

    The hole-in-the-sheet (I keep asking my wife’s kallah teacher about this, but she outright refuses to tell me! She insists it doesn’t exist! You probably have to be over forty and have five sons, like learning kaballah).

    The knaitch (technical term for thumb-dip)

    Alternatively, if you’re ever in a BS session and come up short with sex position names, just throw out random Hungarian foods. Roll your Rs enough and no one will be able to tell the difference. For example:

    The Budasz
    Three-way Gallereta
    Reverse Roketkrumplij
    Forward Facing Lecso
    Slivovitz on One Leg

  • A. Nuran

    The Kiruv Position

  • Ali G.

    Booyakasha! This is phenominal! Never once did me see such great posits. How bout the
    Yatzmach Peerkoonai
    Vekureiv
    making hakafos
    Shluggin Kapporos
    Kisuy hadam
    Kimittza
    YO RESPECT!! BOOYAKASHA, it’s REAL!
    she’s shukling lulav and aravos
    Holding the Esrog
    BLOWING SHOFAR
    Mandanna’s hallel gang bang
    Eating Matza’s balls
    Making Kneidlach
    Lugshon Kugel fresser
    A Kallah’s Pearl Necklace
    Chulent Farkerht ois Macher plunger
    Ibergenachtege “kigel” fresser
    Frumme does Flatbush
    Hot Channie Gang Bangin Tourmaline
    Shalach mono
    Givin the half shekel
    Baila loves Boro Park

  • Ali G.

    and the all time favorite:
    He’s got his baitzois oif meine plaitzois!

    Let’s chazer this fir hindred muhl….

    Lechatchila Ariber …… is a classic yoo hoo!!

    Grinding the Chraine
    dipping the apple in the honey!
    Galiciana and Litvaks
    The Romanian surge

  • Yoiley

    I would love to take a poll of how many yeshiva bochurim out there beat off from the age of 13 until uhh… now… on porn magazines hidden in the crevices of their yeshiva dorms,,, I would venture to say that probably for the last 30 years there has been a lot of beatings goin on at a rate of 90% of the yeshivas and 90% of the enrollment, then when they got older and could drive they hit the dens and meshugene ferds and chinkos. Didnt that big fat rich guy mention in at one of the last Agudah conventions?

  • Fred

    Definitely post more they are so useful