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The useful things I did learn in yeshiva

Contrary to what many of you may think, I learned a lot in yeshiva, I didn’t learn much Torah, but there was lots of useful stuff that I learned in yeshiva that I probably wouldn’t have learned in a normal Jewish school.

How to hide Porn: Although internet porn has taken the place of the good old magazine and netbooks allow for access anywhere, there was a time when every yeshiva boy had a little stash of porn that had to be hidden in case of those pesky room searches. I learned that hiding your porn in your underwear drawer or under your mattress just wouldn’t do. Yeshiva guys like myself would hide our porn in cereal boxes, freezers, heaters and even in those drop down ceiling tiles. Some very enterprising ballsy fellows even took to hiding their magazines in the old antique shas sets that no one ever used.

How to get shabbos meals: As was determined by last weeks post, getting a shabbos invite is not that obvious to most non-yeshiva attending folks. Some suckers actually wait around for years to be invited out, but any yeshiva guy with a little gall, some charm and people skills can around the fact that most married folks don’t remember those starving single guys when it comes to inviting people to their homes for lunch. I learned that you have to actually ask and the best invites were from the people who would turn you down half the time – because they were comfortable enough with telling you that they didn’t feel like having you one week.

How to use a George Foreman Grill: Yeshiva guys do not cook, they grill, whether they use a George Foreman or an iron, they find a way to get the job done without actually doing anything and they rarely clean up the leftover fat. I learned that God’s gift to single men was the George Foreman grill (later in lifer I realized it was pasta and tofu)

An appreciation for heavy metal: I’m not sure how it happened, but yeshiva turned me on to 80’s metal, progressive metal and finally power metal. How Poison, Dream Theater and Hammerfall all became yeshivish bands I have no idea, but after a stressful day of dodging Rabbis and shiur – it was nice to unwind with a little heavy metal. I also learned to do a mean air guitar in yeshiva as well.

How to pass drug tests: I never actually smoked pot until I was in my late 20’s, but being in a yeshiva full of druggies taught me a lot about passing drug tests, although I was always the guy who looked like a stoner – thank God the Rabbis never even tested me (I requested a can of Mt Dew to help me – should the time arrive) for I am super bladder shy and wouldn;t have ever been able to pee in front of the Rabbis. Anyway, apparently Cranberry juice was a big hit with the druggie crowd, as well as visine and some sort of hippie vitamin C detox drink that probably wasn’t kosher – but I guess it was better than being thrown out of yeshiva and forced off the derech.

How to hock: There’s nothing better than knowing everyone and always saying you can hook whoever you are talking to – up with someone who can get the job done. I learned how to hock and how to talk in a rude Brooklyn yeshiva manner that basically says nothing, but claims everything – I can fake hocker should the need arise.

How to shuckel for all occasions: There is the modern orthodox shuckel, the violent “why me God” shuckel and the neila slow nervous shuckel. Yeshiva allowed for a lot of visuals and practice according to different Rabbis shuckeling styles.

How to sleep through shachris: Usually the Vecker (wacker upper guy) would put on some terrible sphardi music at 7:15 in the morning, 10 minutes later he would slam your door open and scream at you. Shachris started at 7:40, at about 7:50 the Rabbi-Vecker would come into your room and start yelling at you about missing shachris and laying on the talmudic guilt trip. The smart people would shove themselves against the wall and crop up the blanket to make it look like they were already out of bed. The really smart people would sneak upstairs to a beis medrish guys bed and sleep straight through shachris, mishna brura seder and breakfast for am extra 2 hours of sleep. Nowadays I just hit the snooze button and roll over for another 3 hours of sleep.

{ 43 comments… add one }
  • Dov May 16, 2011, 11:36 AM

    – How to sound like you know what you are talking about
    – How to dress like a bum but still look frum…

  • Telz Angel May 16, 2011, 12:40 PM

    Telz dorm rooms had walls made of cinder blocks and metal doors (the dorm was made with fire safety in mind after a fire killed two bucherim many years ago). There were very few placed to hide anything, since the dorm rebbe knew all the good places (inside the mattresses, taped behind or under a drawer, in your hat box, etc.) But I do recall one guy who figured out how to stuff a mag inside the metal door (they were hollow). But he could not get it out.

  • A. Nuran May 16, 2011, 2:13 PM

    Other than the shuckeling and shabbos meals it sounds like the lessons one learns in boarding school.

    • Heshy Fried May 16, 2011, 2:17 PM

      For a quarter the price, except we didn;t get laid with hot boarding school girls and we didn;t go to harvard.

      • A. Nuran May 16, 2011, 3:50 PM

        Mine was an all-boys school. We didn’t get laid, either. And almost everyone went to UBC, UVic or Simon Fraser

        • A. Nuran May 16, 2011, 7:06 PM

          Well, maybe some guys got laid. Not the straight ones.

          • Avrumy May 17, 2011, 11:06 AM

            The gay guys don’t get laid in yeshivah either. At least not til they go to Israel.

            • ish_elokim May 17, 2011, 6:24 PM

              not true. ive heard of instances where everyone went home for shabbos and two guys stayed and laid. though no one ever found ou,t only until one of them left for Israel

  • Yoreh K'chetz May 16, 2011, 2:16 PM

    Always hid my metal tapes in the back of the tefillin bags, no one ever thought of looking there. Don’t know if I’d have done the same with p*rn, too weird.

    Cheap p*rn was something you never hung onto anyway, not worth getting busted for. Of course, you could always put it in your roomates drawers if he got on your nerves too often…

  • DC May 16, 2011, 4:43 PM

    -How to hide the evidence of seminal emissions

    • A. Nuran May 18, 2011, 1:18 PM

      When I was in boarding school a couple guys put up black lights in their rooms. Not for long 🙂

  • Frumsatire Fan May 16, 2011, 5:40 PM

    Ok Hesh, here’s an idea that could make you rich: write a self-help book titled “Release Your Inner Hocker”. Because you — yes, you — can learn to sound as if you know what you’re talking about. Wisdom from yeshiva, in twelve easy steps.

  • OfftheDwannaB May 16, 2011, 5:59 PM

    How to hock- I never realized where I picked that skill up.

    • ish_elokim May 17, 2011, 6:25 PM

      it supposedly comes naturally for all yeshiva(ish) guys

  • Michael Carabini May 17, 2011, 3:44 PM

    If after all he felt that .they did not illuminate the topic in a true light he would .retract them or set them aside…When the yeshiva ordered receipt books from the printer he .gave instructions that the design of the receipt incorporate .the words of the Bircas Shmuel namely that each and every .individual has an obligation to see that his sons and .grandsons grow into great Torah scholars. When it was .suggested that the receipts bear the sort of message that .donors might be happier to see he retorted But the words .of the Bircas Shmuel are something that the donors have to .know! ..He was not in favor of the yeshiva hosting a dinner at which .the donors would be seated together with their families. He .maintained his objection insisting that this was not the way .to further Torah even though it was clarified to him that .many other yeshivos did so relying upon a heter .received from Torah authorities and despite his own .yeshivas extremely precarious financial situation…When he opened his yeshiva in America he took in several very .fine bochurim indeed but only a handful.

  • Dave May 18, 2011, 5:50 PM

    What about, what to do with ur tissue after masterbating?!

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