Kelsey Media

101 reasons why I want to get married

47 comments

So I found this really super lame post called 101 reasons to get married, so lame was it (I would love to articulate the lameness of it a bit more – but I don’t want to make the author of it commit suicide, so let’s just saw it made me want to puke into the jar I just opened for her), that I decided to copy her and make my own – super lame list. I felt so lame writing the list that I stopped at 59 because I couldn’t take the suckiness any longer.

  1. Family is the purpose of life
  2. God told me so
  3. It’s a mitzvah
  4. Makes sex into a mitzvah, now it’s just a sin we 612ers like to ignore and blame on our yetzer harah’s.
  5. I need a backpacking partner who’s butt is nice to look at on those long Sierra Climbs
  6. Would be nice to have someone to cook for
  7. I could get a lot more material for the blog and comedy shows
  8. I can finally get my sheitle farm off the ground
  9. My wife can promote my dread-lock sheitle idea
  10. I can host shabbos meals and end when I (we) want to end
  11. Mikvah night sounds like fun
  12. To get my father off my back
  13. So people can stop bitching about me needing to get laid – to think that sexual activity would tame me – oy you people have it so wrong.
  14. So I don’t have to deal with groupies anymore
  15. To save money on dating and online dating sites
  16. Maybe my wife will get me to go to shul once in a while
  17. Not receiving calls from ex-girlfriends telling me they are carrying my child would be nice.
  18. To save money on porn (haven’t bought a porn mag in 10 years or so)
  19. Someone to make my off the grid experiences a bit less lonely.
  20. Someone to speak my kitchen Spanish to (all of my Spanish is about guys getting with girls, picking up hookers and telling guys they are gay in a variety of ways)
  21. So I can claim I told you so to all those people including myself who never thought I would find someone who can handle me or my large foreskinless yad.
  22. I can finally start my heimishe wife swapping club.
  23. My wife can tell all about her kallah classes in intricate detail.
  24. To have reason to keep my house tidy and in order
  25. So I can give up my cell phone (I would do it, if my partner had one)
  26. Would be nice to have someone to listen to all my sick mind babblings during weddings and shul
  27. Someone to make eyes at over the mechitzah
  28. So I can stop being a shidduch crisis statistic
  29. A reliable editor (who knows I may marry someone who can spell)
  30. I always wanted to be on a date with someone and have them start yelling and then over turn the table on me – I’m sure whoever I marry will be down with such shenanigans.
  31. Would be nice to have a female in some of my funny Jewish videos – lots of ideas with that one.
  32. Spending rainy days in bed alone sucks!
  33. Sleeping alone kind blows too!
  34. Sleeping with someone under the stars rocks!
  35. Someone to throw into my Dutch oven.
  36. So when I go to Far Rockaway to visit the family, I’ll have someone to hang out with.
  37. Hopefully she’ll be down with guest posting – I know already she’ll be interesting because I can’t settle for less.
  38. Because my dreams of hiking the Appalachian Trail and Pacific Crest Trails will only be fulfilled with that special lady.
  39. I need someone who knows how to sew my pant holes.
  40. Road trip partners are super hard to come by, especially ones you can have outdoors sex with.
  41. Yes I want some little brats running around.
  42. I do want the old man to be grandfather.
  43. I have this fantasy about having several of the most interesting people I know – sitting together at my wedding.
  44. To prove to my “keep up with the frummy friends” that a frum wedding can be done on the cheap and still be cool.
  45. Always wanted to rock it yichud room style.
  46. Wedding registry at REI baby (my brother just did it and got tons of goodies, like snowshoes and climbing gear)
  47. So I can blog about how lame those couples events are.
  48. I really want to go to the OU marriage enrichment seminar – it sounds lamer than this post!
  49. So I can be an official shadchan on saw you at sinai and talk about the madness (anonymously of course)
  50. Oh the fun will have screwing with frummies…
  51. Maybe I’ll start taking showers more than once a month.
  52. I’m getting sick of mooching shabbos meals and places to stay every week.
  53. I can finally have those big rowdy shabbos meals I dream about.
  54. I really want to cook for all the peeps who’ve had me over for dozens of shabbosim in my life (although I probably won’t be anywhere near the east coast – suckers)
  55. If I get laid off, there will be at least some backup.
  56. Tax cuts baby.
  57. Someone to wear deodorant for.
  58. Someone to bounce blog post ideas off of.
  59. Did I mention a backpacking partner?

HT Bad for shidduchim – who also had a link to the less lame and easier to write 101 reasons not to get married.

  • A. Nuran

    I like your reasons more than hers

  • dorot

    I like that sheitle farm idea – will you raise organic sheitles? Free range sheitles?

  • Jennifer Lopez Goldstein

    y no 69?

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      I didn’t really include things you can do while unmarried

    • Anonymous

      bec 68 is better

      • A. Nuran

        You do me and I owe you one?

  • Anonymous

    To save money on dating and online dating sites….. lol.. do you know how much women spend?

  • texgator

    “Wedding registry at REI baby”

    This one needs a comma because I thought you were talking about a new retail outlet that specializes in outdoor merchandise for infants.

  • Julie

    Better get cracking dude, your dad’s old enough to be a great-grandfather by now

  • http://catalyticreactions.blogspot.com Shoshie

    I don’t wear a sheitle, but I would totally rock a dreadlock sheitle, especially if I could dye it blue or purple.

    • Burnt Dreadlocks

      You missed your chance girl! When Manny ramirez was playing for the dodgers, they were selling blue dreadlock wigs. You can probably still find some on amazon/ ebay.

  • lawschooldrunk

    #25 makes me think you’re an edward abbey fan.

    #46, why not at campmor?

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      Campmor is across the country and REI is all over the place.

      Love Edward Abbey – one of the most prolific outdoors writers

      • A. Nuran

        When you get married we’ll get you his and hers monkeywrenches

  • http://lifeaftersterncollege.blogspot.com/ SternGrad

    Heshy- I am a frequent reader of your blog and this post is surprising coming from you considering the fact that on almost every single one of your satirical posts someone takes you seriously and criticizes you and your response is “dude this was satire.” My post was a mixture of truth and humor, and I think a lot of people (not just you) couldn’t tell the difference. It’s a shame you can’t grant me the same thing that you ask from all of your readers — to lighten up and not take things so literally.
    SternGrad

    • A. Nuran

      To be completely honest, I could tell what you were trying to do. You simply didn’t do it as well.

    • Noni

      Sorry, your post was just lame. Better luck next time.

      • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

        I know, I said 3 times within the post that my post was lame – obviously you didn’t read it.

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      Actually I was pretty light on you, but obviously I wanted people to look at it so I linked you instead of copying and pasting, because I’m sure some folks may actually like it. The problem is that your post was written from such a serious tilt.

      I mean who the hell writes physical Intimacy? My God I thought I was reading a pamphlet from Aish or something.

    • http://michaltastik.blogspot.com Michaltastik

      Yeah, I’m with everyone else. I started reading it and it was just soooo sappy cliche FFB, that I didn’t get very far.

  • Soul Bratha

    #20.Someone to speak my kitchen Spanish to (all of my Spanish is about guys getting with girls, picking up hookers and telling guys they are gay in a variety of ways)

    HA HA you work with illeagal spikes, that are stealing jobs from people like me!!!!!!!!(your boss is a cheap ass white boy aint he)

    • A. Nuran

      QC

      • Soul Bratha

        What do you mean by QC

        • A. Nuran

          Quit clowning

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      Dude we ask for a social security number and green card, if they have it they can get hired. Do you know how hard it is to find English speaking dishwashers? Do you know how hard it is to find a white busser? Obviously not!

      The illegals or legals for that matter are doing jobs that no one else wants to do for that price. I hear that same old Fox News argument all the time, but in the end – if you want to be able to buy fruit and eat out at rock bottom prices – you better get used to this phenomena.

      • Soul Bratha

        Uh, I actually call bullshit on that. In the enconomy every white legal americans will do just about anything for money. ou think not, try applying for a job at Walmart, see how easy that is.;)

        • http://michaltastik.blogspot.com Michaltastik

          Really? offer some Jewish girls a job cleaning houses and watch how fast their noses turn up-even in this economy-even for more pay than they get from those crappy jobs that they do like picking up the phone at a doctor’s office in nasty scrubs, teacher’s assistant at a Jewish school or telemarketing.

    • http://www.google.com/ Rennifer

      Your story was really ifnmortaive, thanks!

  • Soul Bratha

    Yo Hesh tell your co-workers:

    “How would you like if I moved to Mexico and did a job a Mexican wasn’t willing to do”

  • Soul Bratha

    “why don’t you go back to Africa and stop stealing jobs from us americans”?

    I am not African, I ‘m African American and I was born in America you dumb sh*t

  • Izzy (1)

    Heshy, my LA Backpacking Daughter just spent part of last weekend backpacking Anza Boreggo Desert. She has found the only other Jewish man in CA that is an avid lover of the land and the freedom that comes with solitude. She also knows when every REI used gear sale is scheduled in the Valley. So, who knows, timing is everything. She’d never wear a Sheitel while backpacking (unless it was made by REI).

    My advice, don’t get caught up on the “backpacking wife” thing. I had the same goal. It just didn’t happen. I met my beautiful Jewish wife in a Jacuzzi in Bakerfield and haven’t regretted that she’s not a backpacker (OK, maybe a little lie there). We go remote road-side camping….like to Big Pine Creek in the Sierras, Yosemite, Joshua Tree. I can always go backpacking with the kids and my wife says “have a great time!” the Pacific Coast Trail and Appalachin Trail will always be there….seriously, do you really think a married couple can take 2-3 months off from work and hike either of those….you’d probably want to kill each other after the first 100 miles….save that for when you retire and going slow with a little gelt in your pocket makes more sense.

    Good sex and finding someone that laughs with you and cooks with you is more important. Having brats will restore your childhood. Aren’t 41 and 42 essentially the same? Financial security is of course, key. Common friends is important. After you get married, you ain’t gonna backpack with little brats for at least the first five years anyways. Get used to the idea of road camping in remote places and not too close to people who don’t appreciate crying babies at campsites. The rest will take of itself….

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      Not sure about that, I have several friends who carry all the gear the wives carry the kid (this is with one infant) on backpacking trips – I should mention the funny fact that these are two different kollel couples. I am used to road camping, that’s what I do whenever I travel.

      • Izzy (1)

        Well, there are certainly those who take their babies everywhere…..but it’s a lot of work and hearing a baby crying in someone’s nearby tent is well….., nuff said.

        The joy of road camping is a great thing. Nothing like taking a long day-hike, fishing on a mt. stream and coming back to a decent camp-site and sitting by a nice fire absolutely exhausted and grilling trout.

  • Izzy (1)

    I just posted a long response that I think the system dumped. So here’s the condensed version: Heshy, it took me 10 years to find a Reform Jewish woman that I can enjoy the outdoors with. Of course, back then I mainly lived in rural areas where there were no Jewish women (Frum, Reform or otherwise) within 50 miles. Of all places, I met my future wife in a Jacuzzi while on a business trip in Bakersfield. Your being in the Bay Area certainly improves your chances. My wife doesn’t backpack but we love hiking and camping….on occasion, she will roadside camp at remote locations (not so much lately). My kids love camping and backpacking. I realize, it’s important for you to keep your dreams of the ideal REA-humping bride alive. However, sometimes you just have to go with what Hashem hands you instead of waiting too long. The best of life is often what you share with someone else and in the long run, it really doesn’t matter if your wife carries an REI pack with dehydrated food in the Sierras or your brat in a REI backpack on the streets of San Francisco…the whole idea is that you share something important with someone you love. Good sex is the glue.

  • http://michaltastik.blogspot.com Michaltastik

    Hesh, It’s too bad someone is already married that would be perfect for you. Seriously, you need a convert. Though, the only ones I know are the snooty type (or too old for you) and you need a cool one.

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      and I like dating converts

      • Eva

        They do have shiksappeal…

      • Eva

        They still have the shiksapeal…

        • http://www.eclectictrixie.wordpress.com/ EclecticTrixie

          Shiksapeal may be my new favorite word.

  • Eva

    They still have the shiksappeal…

  • Yochanan

    #30.

    Wake up one morning. Look at your wife and say “Who the ___ are you?”

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      It’s funny because number 30 is the talmudic way of having anal sex.

      Woman says I made the table and he turned it over – great huh? I didn’t even realize I wrote that.

  • jonathan

    i have just the person for you.

  • Sould Bratha

    “101 reasons why I want to get married”.

    You only got 59. Or is my math wrong?

  • sk

    1. V’Ahavata Leraicha K’mocha. Period.
    2. Yes, and therefore Hashem would never command us to do something that He wasn’t fully behind us on. Have faith ye singles!

    3. Part of 2
    4. Probably the hardest mitzva to do with proper intent… so careful what you wish for.
    5. HA! Make sure you do your backpacking PRE-kids…
    6. I hear you there Hesh, but be careful not to show her up… women like to be the ones cooking for their husbands. Just be tactful or she’ll let you do the cooking…3 meals a day… for life!

    7. Definitely, although you’ll have less time for them.
    8. I guess I have to be regular to get that.
    9. I guess I have to be regular to get that.
    10. Ya… you’ll ALWAYS be on the same page ;) Try ending early with a table full of her girlfriends!
    11. ok 3rd sexually related reason and counting.
    12. You’ll thank him
    13. Marriage tames you, and if not your kids will. And if not, Gd help you! Ok, 4 and counting.
    15. Buddy, the dating would just be starting for you.
    16. If you’re lucky. Probably the greatest curse is having a wife with spiritual apathy.
    18. no comment. 5 and counting
    19. You 2 will be far more different than you can ever imagine… and therein lies the beauty! Marriage can be a very lonely place sometimes but that is inevitable when you’re learning to live with this complete opposite.
    21. eww? 6 and counting.
    22. When you get married you’ll believe that rubbish less and less. 7 and counting
    23. I know you’re joking about all of this. 8 and counting
    24. And you’re going to have time for this WHEN?
    25. That would be a feat.
    26. What’s even nicer is having someone who will challenge those ‘sick babblings’
    27. That’s nice for rosh hashana, yom kippur and chagim, but how will you survive the rest of the year?
    28. Good goal.
    30. Like Chris Farley in the SNL coffee skit?
    32. One/Both of you will be at work. Rain?
    33. It does blow… but when your wife decides to wrap her whole body up in your California king blanket leaving you with nothing… lemme know how it feels.
    34. Ah yes, I remember vividly having those same romantic fantasies, but I assure you, these things become meaningless as you and her share real life together (and hopefully your california king blanket as well).
    35. So you want a petite girl, eh?
    36. The best reason I’ve heard yet.
    38. Again, PRE-kids.
    40. Lay off the porn Hesh. You would never disrespect your wife that way, EVEN if she wanted it. 9 and counting.
    41. The second he/she is born you’ll stop referring to them that way (even as a joke).
    42. I’m getting farklempt here.
    43. Fantasy is the F word in marriage.
    45. You’ll be starving and dehydrated and therefore would probably make love to the pepper steak. Plus you have Shmerel and Berel waiting at the door. Hardly a turn on. 10 and counting.
    49. As hard as this might be to believe, all the bitterness and anger will disappear after you get married. It’s really a bracha!
    50. Careful, she might turn into one… or turn you into one. There are no guarantees in life and marriage, just believe that Gd is looking out for you and wants more than anything for you and her to love each other.
    52. I hear you there, chief!
    53. Big Rowdy Shabbos Meal, $200, time with friends, priceless. Start saving now.
    54. You seem like a real baal chessed, Hesh. May you find the one who will support you in that!
    55. Unless she’s preggers or just plain doesnt feel like working, Never, and I mean NEVER can you rely on your wife for these things. The husband bears the responsibility and the ulcers (Gd forbid). That piece of paper you sign before the chuppah aint just decoration.
    56. Ya those are good.

  • sk

    1. V’Ahavata Leraicha K’mocha. Period.
    2. Yes, and therefore Hashem would never command us to do something that He wasn’t fully behind us on. Have faith ye singles!

    3. Part of 2
    4. Probably the hardest mitzva to do with proper intent… so careful what you wish for.
    5. HA! Make sure you do your backpacking PRE-kids…
    6. I hear you there Hesh, but be careful not to show her up… women like to be the ones cooking for their husbands. Just be tactful or she’ll let you do the cooking…3 meals a day… for life!

    7. Definitely, although you’ll have less time for them.
    8. I guess I have to be regular to get that.
    9. I guess I have to be regular to get that.

  • sk

    sorry for the duplicates

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