Tachlis with benefits

I’m not gonna lie, I had a friend with benefits situation once, we would hang out, but everything ultimately led to the back seat of my 92 Camry on some dead end street somewhere where we would share words of torah and saliva. As I’ve gotten older and more mature, I’ve realized that casual relationships with no tachlis (purpose, typically for marriage) are kind of stupid. Luckily, Hashem hasn’t planted such a huge sex drive in me and therefore I’m not tempted to involve myself in casual relationships that have no purpose other than to satisfy my yetzer harah and nefesh habihami. (animal soul) I slipped up over succos, but I promise the yetzer harah made her too hot to refuse.

Although, I’ve definitely had a few random hookups with fans of this blog and other girls in my lifetime, it’s not my thing, it actually goes against my religion and I try to refrain from touching members of the opposite sex unless it’s for tachlis. You see, if I’m in a relationship with marriage potential – I always feel like there’s a purpose to all that cuddling and heavy petting.

So I’m talking to this guy the other day who’s on and off with some girl he’s dating. “So what is this a friends with benefits type of thing?” I asked to which he responded that there was definitely some sort of tachlis involved and I thought of the most brilliant line of all (I like it – you don’t have to) and that he was in a Tachlis with Benefits relationship and that’s how I roll.

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  • http://btzelem-elohim.blogspot.com/ Dena

    I have friends who think every guy they date is marriage potential. Guess you can take that however you’d like.

  • Leibel

    I thought the frum equivalent of friends with benefits = a guy and girl who flirt with/hit on each other for fun.

  • I kissed a Jew and I liked it

    If you are shomer nagia and going through a Shadchan to date purely for marriage then there are no ‘benefits’.
    Everyone else will at least hold hands at the minimum. Anyone who tells you otherwise isn’t being truthful to you or with themselves.
    I personally don’t make out with everyone I date, I am dating for marriage, but if we get to that point where it just gets too much…
    Well that picture you posted pretty much describes it.

  • Hugo Moller

    So no benefits means no sex? And with benefits means sex? So what do you call anal?

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      Well it depends if t’s the type where your rebbe holds you down in the back of an empty beis medrish one night or otherwise.

      • A. Nuran

        Three men walked into a bar, a priest, a rapist and a pedophile.

        And then there were the other two guys with him.

      • PrettyBoyFloyd

        Hahahahahahahaha!!!

  • “Possibly the strangest kiruv site you’ve ever been to”

    I don’t believe you got laid…unless you had a bag over your head!

    • http://hatthief.blogspot.com Meir

      She wasn’t an old bag, she was hot. Didn’t you read the post?

    • Yankel

      Buddy, what’s your issue?

    • A. Nuran

      I’d suggest you try the bag over your head. Plastic. Secured with a zip tie and duct tape.

  • http://www.michaltastik.com Michaltastik

    “I’m not gonna lie, I had a friend with benefits situation once”

    ONCE??? Um, you’re forgetting you posted a confessional once where you talked some girl who told you the movie wasn’t tsnius because the characters were nude…. never mind that you two were nude. Was THAT a twb? I think you confessed some other… ahem, relationships…. twb?

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      That was a girlfriend of mine at the time – not just a friend.

      • yitz

        respect!!

  • dorot

    Isn’t tachlis with benefits just a grown up version of a tefillin date? Or a repeat-offender tefillin date?

    Sorry to be overly cynical. I admit I have been the girl in both of these scenarios and neither of them worked out very well in the end.

    • “Possibly the strangest kiruv site you’ve ever been to”

      Well, heshy is a DB

      • dorot

        ah, well… who among us has not been one at some point?

  • http://hatthief.blogspot.com Meir

    What does Dov Bear have to do with anything?

    • rationalist frummie

      Dov Bear? When was he ever mentioned in this thread?

      • http://hatthief.blogspot.com Meir

        This “”Possibly the strangest kiruv site you’ve ever been to”" character is going on about Heshy and DB? I assume he meant Dov Bear. Surely he didn’t mean DataBase?

        • Burnt Dreadlocks

          youre kidding, right?

          • http://hatthief.blogspot.com Meir

            Correct

          • “Possibly the strangest kiruv site you’ve ever been to”

            Door bell…

            • ISR

              Deadbeat….

              • http://www.michaltastik.com Michaltastik

                douche bag

  • ipitythefoo

    Been there. DONE that.

  • Yankel

    Poopy post.

    You can’t condemn a 16 year old for sticking his p*nis where he shouldn’t, precisely because he’s a 16 yr old idiot. But anyone who claims to know right from wrong should really know better.

    Sure anyone can slip, but having an official category and nickname for it is asking for trouble.

    Maybe it’s just me, but I think viewing such serious concepts with such a ‘sporty’ attitude is almost as bad as the act itself.

    • Esther

      [insert Hesh's "I've never even seen a girl's elbow" reply here] ;)

  • yitz

    9 yr old jonny asked his mom, “can little girls have babe’s?” she said, “no”. He goes back to his room and says, “lisa, my mom said its o.k., we can play that game again”!!!!!

    • http://www.michaltastik.com Michaltastik

      LOL! Funnier than Heshy…. you are so wrong, though, you know that right?

    • A. Nuran

      ;) :) :D

  • A. Nuran

    Let me get this straight.

    You’re open to physical intimacy as long as it’s in the context of a committed relationship which you see going somewhere.

    In other words, you’re a straight man who wants to get married and isn’t a total horndog.

    How…. reasonable.

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      I just hope you label me as mature – that would mean a certian death to me

      • A. Nuran

        Heaven forbid! You can be a juvenile delinquent into your 80s.

  • Aliza T

    Omg tachlis with benefits! Wow iv been looking for a catchphrase I was jealous of all my frummy friends who had all these catchphrases (sarcasm) now I have one! Thanx

  • Ummm…

    I married my husband neither having touched him nor been yichud with him. Folks, it is possible. It is possible to have self control. There is no such thing as “when it gets to be too much.” That’s a cop out and is rather goyish.