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The most annoying frum Jews

There are a lot of different sects and sub groups within orthodoxy and some of them are quite annoying, this post came out of the idea I had to write about whether Messianic (Yechi) chabadnicks or Nannach Bresslovers were more annoying, but then I realized that there are loads of others that can make the list.

Nanach Bresslovers: I can understand that jumping out of a van in the middle of a traffic jam while you’re tripping on acid can bring joy to some people, but can’t you figure out some other songs to sing? I mean, you only have one or two songs and they are always put to terrible techno music.

Nanach Wannabe’s: The only thing more annoying than nanach guys are the guys who go on Brithight and come back wearing a big white nanach yarmulke, long ass techeles tzitzis and kissing their hands whenever they shake yours on shabbos.

Bresslov Book guys: This is not an all out anti Bresslov post, but it just so happens that Bresslovers can get pretty annoying and I’m kind of annoyed at the fact that a few crazies have taken this interesting chassidus (if any one rebbe chassidus even deserves such a status) and make it look so nuts – I have met normal Bresslov chassidim, but it seems to be a rarity and the normal one’s claim the crazies are not really Bresslov. So these guys who hand out books are totally annoying, I will totally give you tzedaka, but I don’t want your damned book. I was on a date once in Brooklyn and this guy gives me a stack of books on finding my bashert – I just wanted to yell at him, but I was on a date after all.

Yeshivish Kiruv Rabbis: Dallas is a big kiruv town and the kiruv practiced there is of the yeshivish variety, I remember over hearing a conversation about whether or not the Rabbis should allow their guests to sing benching because then the women will sing and it was a debate whether or not it’s better they bench or hear kol isha – craziness!

Over Enthusiastic Kiruv Rabbis: I remember going to this Hillel event in Monsey once and this rabbi approaches the table I was sitting at and sits down trying to be cool and says “Nu, guys how are your neshamas doing?” something you don’t say to three guys who are cynical ex-frummy types who are at an event for free food and picking up girls.

Chabad Street Teams: Did you know that there’s a gemara that basically says someone will be saved (from hell) if they put on tefillin once and this is one of the reasons that chabad kids do mivtzoyon and because the rebbe said so. I am not so annoyed when one guy asks me if I shook lulav that day, but I kind of cringe when they ask me if I’m Jewish – it just sounds so bad and I know that many people are exceedingly annoyed by the street teams, despite the mitzvos they coerce people into doing.

Niturei Karta: We get it, you’re trying to get attention and you’re crazy about Palestinians and other Arab types that want to kill us and you to, but just shutup already.

Geocentric New Yorkers: The types that think Brooklyn is the best place in the world, New York is the capitol and that everything beyond the Catskills is no man’s land until LA and Miami which are both “out there somewhere”

Hockers: We love to hate those guys with all the keys, pagers, sirens and bluetooths and you have to admit – hockers are some of the most annoying frum Jews out there.

Hot Chanies: They drive like nuts, they usually aren’t very hot and they talk exceedingly loudly on their cell phones. It doesn’t help that their husbands are hockers, their children are always loud and they always complain at restaurants.

Yellow Flaggers: The common way for chabadnicks to call yechi (messianic) folks. I myself am not so annoyed by folks who believe the Rebbe is moshiach, I had a roommate who was a yellow flagger once and it really provided me with a lot of entertainment, but the same cannot be said for vocal yellow flaggers. The one’s who think the Rebbe could be compared to Moshe Rabeinu and that the Rebbe’s funeral was someone else, the guys who sell Rebbe mikvah water – oy!

Modern Orthodox Nerds: This may constitute 70% of Yeshiva University which seems to attract the nerdier types while the cool Modox folks go for the real college experience. These nerds are the types who become NCSY advisers during college and hold onegs with kumzits’s. Their dream in life is tobecome an accountant at deloitte,  get married to a stern girl named Ariella and move to Tenack.

Not you typical Bais Yaakov girls: If they have to imply they aren’t typical, they are worse than typical.

BT’s who give mussar: There’s not much worse than a newly minted, fresh off the aish hatorah presses baal teshuva that gives you grief about the crap you do.

Chabad hip-hop artists: I have no idea what happened, but all of a sudden there are dozens of chabad BT hip hop artists and I think the market is a bit saturated don’t you think?

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{ 44 comments… add one }
  • kissmeimshomer February 20, 2011, 12:56 PM

    did u know, that in order to join a YU frat house, which isnt really recognized by YU, all you gotta do is pay 350$. What happened to pledging??

    • Leftover Cholent February 20, 2011, 2:38 PM

      Well, when you pledge, you are committing yourself to a process that is stressful, sometimes dangerous, often times nerve-wracking… and we all know that YU guys don’t have enough time or energy in their long days to handle it.

    • Synapse January 15, 2013, 12:30 PM

      The 350$ payment is a fee you pay as part of the application process, as with most fraternities. You don’t just pay $350 and get in.

  • Michelle February 20, 2011, 1:10 PM

    I seriously laughed out loud. This is some awesome stuff!!!

  • Tevy February 20, 2011, 1:21 PM

    Although I’ve probably laughed more from other posts, this may be one of your best posts ever.
    It’s to the point and covers so much fundamental fumsatire material. If I had to tell them a post to read to get an idea of the site, I’d tell them to read this one (unless you have other preferred posts… Btw that could be a good post “Introductory Frum Satire Posts” you know… For newbies)

    • Heshy Fried February 20, 2011, 2:08 PM

      Thanks – I have loads of posts that could be introductory to frum satire and maybe I should do a list.

      • Meir February 20, 2011, 5:39 PM

        The very old one from Dec 14, 2006 before you moved to frumsatire.net “A frummies guide to labeling and judging other frummies ” definitely qualifies; …

        • Heshy Fried February 20, 2011, 10:26 PM

          Yes it does – my first post linked by a bigger blogger

      • I'm Too Sexy for my PJ's February 21, 2011, 9:46 PM

        Yes, please do a syllabus for Frum Satire 101, as taught at UCLA as one of their Mickey Mouse classes (the ones athletes & tha girlz who love them take), and be sure to include all the Introductory articles as homework for Week 1.

  • yitz February 20, 2011, 1:55 PM

    awsome hesh!! that YU post is right on the $$$!

  • Moshe February 20, 2011, 2:28 PM

    Outside NY, there be dragons.

  • Moshe February 20, 2011, 2:43 PM

    Thank you for posting how annoying newyork jews are

    • Guest February 21, 2011, 6:51 AM

      Yes, I’d say that Jews should leave New York, because of the mentality that they’ve developed there, but New York Jews have a tendency to turn “out of town” locations into a mini-New York, if enough of them arrive. So what’s to be done? Quarantine them in the Big City?–they’ll just produce more New Yorkers!

      I propose forced relocation to designated rural areas well outside of New York City. Hopefully over a couple of generations their children will be normal, and can socialize with the rest of us.

  • Aaron Feivel February 20, 2011, 2:48 PM

    New yorkers are the worst

  • Yankel February 20, 2011, 3:19 PM

    Yes we are.
    And we love it too.

  • Bubba Metzia February 20, 2011, 4:07 PM

    It’s about time someone finally said something about those annoying New Yorkers. I always hear people from New York bragging about how it’s the greatest place on Earth. Well if its so great then why did they leave there and move down here to Florida?

    • Heshy Fried February 20, 2011, 10:27 PM

      I would live in NY over Florida any day

    • A. Nuran February 20, 2011, 11:02 PM

      New York is a lot like the guy who was world champion in 1957. Some great stories, lots of experience, but well past his prime and living on past glories.

  • Aliza T February 20, 2011, 4:58 PM

    U forget the super frum/chasidish ones who ask u if ur Jewish/frum cuz ur not dressed like them

    • Yankel February 21, 2011, 12:10 AM

      Do you mean chabad?
      No Satmar guy is asking anybody if they’re Jewish. If it isn’t obvious – who cares.

      • Synapse February 21, 2011, 4:05 AM

        No Satmar guy is asking anybody if they’re Jewish because if they’re not wearing a shtreimel/bekishe with huge payos, it’s obvious they’re not.

      • Aliza T February 21, 2011, 12:22 PM

        Not just chabad, I wasn’t clear enough: chabad will ask you if you’re Jewish, these types will just talk about you as is ur not Jewish and their kids think ur a shiksa/male equivalent even though u clearly are frum

        • Yankel February 24, 2011, 12:39 AM

          In their communities, they stress outward appearance VERY much. Fact is, it is a major ‘saftey net’ if you will.

          One of the downsides to this however, is that there will very frequently be an inbred condecending feeling towards anyone who doesn’t have the ‘extreme Jewish look’.

          If you tell a kid “Don’t grow your chup (bangs), you will look like a shaigetz (male equivelant of shiksa :))” then it’s only natural for him to grow up with certain feelings towards those who do.

  • Aliza T February 20, 2011, 5:00 PM

    “not your typical by girls” -HILARIOUS!!!!!!!

  • anonymous February 20, 2011, 5:05 PM

    Some people prefer it sweetened and some like it saltier and tangier.

    Wait…Are we still talking about Cholent and sex?

  • peretz February 20, 2011, 5:20 PM

    The serious problem that I have is that I can`t share jokes about the sedrah with anyone. This is muchly un-good.

  • batsheva February 20, 2011, 7:52 PM

    “I have no idea what happened, but all of a sudden there are dozens of chabad BT hip hop artists. . . .”

    I can tell you exactly what happened in one word: Matisyahu.

    Spectacular post, Hesh! You hit the nail on the head so hard it’s crying! The NY Jews one was my fave. I have so many NY relatives with that attitude.

  • tinok shenishba February 20, 2011, 8:38 PM

    What about JAPs? Or perhaps these would fall under Not Your Typical BY Girl/Geocentric New Yorkers/budding Hot Chanies? JAPs are not always frum but are experts at hiddur mitzvah, shall we say…think $500,000+ bas mitzvah parties.

    • Aliza T February 21, 2011, 12:18 PM

      Lol! Ya they Shouldve merited their own paragraph, cuz they can be MO in which case they’re not BY girls at all.

  • The jewish teen February 21, 2011, 5:44 AM

    Hahah this is funny

  • Yechiel February 21, 2011, 5:48 AM

    ??? ?? ??????? ????? ????? ???? ??? ????? ??? ????
    Hockers and the Chanies are all time favorites…
    Unfortunately I have to agree to most of what you’re saying.

  • whoah5771 February 21, 2011, 6:23 AM

    How about the yeshivish kiruv rabbis who act like na nachs wannabes to do kiruv for aish hatorah

  • Dave B February 21, 2011, 6:33 AM

    How about those guys that go to a MO yeshiva for a year+ in Israel and come back and think they are now Yeshivish?

  • Mike February 21, 2011, 11:43 AM

    Ever notice that 75% of kids in YU are named Joshhhhh, if you say the name Josh in YU 75% of the place will turn back…

    • Yochanan February 28, 2011, 10:46 AM

      Like Mendy in Crown Heights?

  • shalomb February 21, 2011, 2:17 PM

    i love the hip hop post, i remember when matisyahu was the only one when it was somewhat cool, now every artist on shemspeed fits that category.

  • Miriam B. February 21, 2011, 3:29 PM

    I think since I accidentally posted a comment on the Contributors page of the fine blog, which I have nothing to do with, except like it, I feel like the ” . . . most annoying . . . ” . I’ve even decided to purge my account and that may remove my comments??? Admin, I can’t find where to purge my account, can you help me remove the three comments I accidentally posted? I’m planning to drive from NYC to So FLA and don’t want this mishap festering . . . MIB

  • Leibel February 21, 2011, 5:31 PM

    LOL, as proof that I’ve “made it” I find preachy BT’s (and gairim) annoying, realistically you’re not going to be that frum in half a year to so lay off the “Mesillas Yesharim says X” stuff.

  • big jej February 23, 2011, 3:46 PM

    u forgot about Hussids in BP! Haz you forgetten BPS syndrome? jdj

  • FrumGer February 23, 2011, 8:46 PM

    Liebel, Dude your wrong, I think that heart wise your as Frum as your going to be when you just get back from your Mikvah and your finally or if your a bt you decide to start leigning teffilin daily- its all downward from there.

    I must say I love Breslovers and Chabad street teams- the crazier the better I love people that are zealous for Mitvos. Really I always hate these posts, because I think that newly minted zeal is a beutiful thing.

    The Chabad Hip hop comment is SOOOO true and SOOO funny b/c 99.9 % are SOOOO lame.

  • Yochanan February 28, 2011, 10:40 AM

    “Over Enthusiastic Kiruv Rabbis: I remember going to this Hillel event in Monsey once and this rabbi approaches the table I was sitting at and sits down trying to be cool and says “Nu, guys how are your neshamas doing?” something you don’t say to three guys who are cynical ex-frummy types who are at an event for free food and picking up girls.”

    As a BT, I would’ve challenged him to a Kiruv-off and said “I don’t have a Neshama. I AM a Neshama.”

  • Nanach March 7, 2011, 1:27 PM

    Found this page that explains all about the Nanach movement
    http://www.zissil.com/topics/na-nach/

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