The jerkoffer rebbe friended me on facebook

As I approach the 5000 friends mark on my main facebook page (I have a backup with 750 friends and a private account with 22 friends) I have stopped accepting everyone who asks to be my “friend” to slow down the impending friend cap, so I often reject marketing folks, Jewish organizations and general spambots as my friends, but when the Jerkoffer Rebbe friended me yesterday I just had to accept, purely based on the hilariousness of the name. I stated this fact on Twitter and immedaitely I was inundated with semi-serious halachic analysis on those of us who pursue the age old art of wasting our semen in pursuit of happiness that we never seem to attain.

Now I know that choking the chicken is against halacha and therefore no gedolim have ever actually published a sefer detailing the halachos of this matter, but I think they should. Similar to the way that they never banned potatoes on pesach because it would be hard for the general population, at some point the Rabbis are going to have to seriously think the ban on masturbation – as they said in the 60’s about civil rights – “everyone’s doin it man” and if everyone’s doing it, there has to be some sort of halachic responsa at to the proper ways to pleasure oneself.

One of the many dozens of halachic responses to my twitter statement of being friends with The Jerkoffer Rebbe was whether or not we should use our right or left hand when conducting anti-Torah phallic surveys. My first conclusion was that since the right hand was more chashuv one may think that it should be used, but it kind of depended on your madreiga, after all, everything of the physical world can be elevated to the highs of heaven. This means that if choking your kishkes was merely a physical pleasure, the left hand should be used (if you happen to wear the tefillin shel yad on your left hand like most right handed folks do I would tell you to consult your LOR – local orthodox rabbi)

Shabbos is probably the biggest issue when it comes to this issue, plenty of frum shomer shabbos people are engaged in this art form and many of these people find themselves wondering about things like lubrication, massaging and exercize which are generally assur on shabbos, so they go at it dry, but this poses a sakanah to the milah – I am not a rabbi, but I’m sure many of the learned folks reading this may be able to formulate some sort of halachic guideline for shabbos alone – because keeping shabbos is actually in the Torah so we don;t have much to debate there, but if you want to be extra frum and make your weekly mundane activities shabbosdik (no pun intended) then it’s high time we put out a guide of sorts.

What about saying shehechiyanu or asher yatzar – before and after the act. One would think that saying asher yatzar is prety obvious, you did just relieve yourself and shehechiyanu could be said if it’s the first time that year, month, day, hour or minute – depending on how often you go at it.Others may say that reciting asher yatzar after violating the obvious Torah commandment against wasting your seed -if something productive is coming out of it how can we call it wasting?

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  • yiz

    yup!! and who would ask a rabbi these shailos?? i remember a few years ago a friend of mine bought a spray that makes someone fart alot. he wasnt sure if it was kosher and was too embaressed to ask a rabbi…..

    • Frumsatire Fan

      If inhaled by an unmarried person, the spray may make his or her shidduch value plummet —> causing misery and loneliness —> assur.

    • Julie

      Where can I find this spray? This has the potential to liven up my bus rides…

      • Lirehagi

        If you live in brooklyn, I may kill you if you try that while I’m on the bus. They’re too smelly as it is

  • Nate

    LMAO

  • http://hatthief.blogspot.com Meir

    No, it’s an innocent misunderstanding. It was Yerkow in the old country.

    • Mahla

      +1, LOL!

    • ghottistyx

      Some friends of mine had a teacher named “Mrs. Chertkoff”. When you say her name fast, it sounds…like jerk-off.

      There was a dude name Schmuckler in my school. Actually, I found out that the name actually means jeweler (in German?), but really, they should know what the word commonly means in Yiddish.

      Oh, my personal favorite. The name SHREK! Like hello, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS IN YIDDISH? Now it’s okay if you’re a big scary smelly green ogre to have that name, it’s appropriate there. But honestly, having a surname that means frightening? WTF?

      • dalz

        the principal of my brother’s school last name is Schmuckler…
        Sometimes, I wonder how he survives

        • Yankel

          There’s a writer for The Sporting News, “Peter Schmuck”.

          I guess for people with those kind of names, introducing yourself can be either increasingly embarrassing, or increasingly entertaining.

          • http://translatedseforim.wordpress.com OfftheDwannaB

            My friend went to Yeshiva with a guy called Itche Meier Dicker.

            • Josh

              There was a famous moyel named Chatsheh Pekeroff…

          • ‘Swald

            Like this article.

  • Frumsatire Fan

    Well, there’s the famous bit in the Talmud where a woman asks a rabbi if back door action is kosher or not. Either she was quite insane, or back then your typical LOR was more approachable and in touch with reality than nowadays.

    • Mike

      Just a quick piece of info, back in the day they didnt have birth control like we do today, so the most common way of natrual birthday control was going back door.

      • Yankel

        The story was that her husband was doing it to her, and she was asking the Rabbi if this was permitted.

    • http://hatthief.blogspot.com Meir

      Two women. Nedarim 20b

      • Leeba

        I’ve read 20b and there is no mention of the right of the woman to give him The Angry Dolphin.

        Hmmm…

        • SAM I AM

          angry dolphin? wtf?

  • sorry

    This is to big an issur to make a joke out of, if one cant control himself at least dont publicise it, making a joke will undoubtebly cause people to take this issur lightly, also when one hears “everyone” does it that also causes him to take it lightly, according to many sources it is a terrible act (akin to murder) and one must control himself, and yes “many” people do control themselves as hard as it is

    • are you suprised he would write this filth?

      This punk is a joke.

    • Julia

      Is it murder when I don’t whore myself out to make sure I get pregnant instead of wasting eggs every month? At least sperm is unlimited in healthy males. Every time I don’t get pregnant, I have one less chance of ever becoming so.

      • A. Nuran

        About a third or so of fertilizations spontaneously abort. What’s the halacha on that? What would the rabbis have said if they knew you laid eggs every month?

        Of course the Tallitban believe you should marry young and crank ‘em out so often that between pregnancy and nursing you won’t waste more than a couple dozen eggs.

        • Anonymous

          GASP! Are you implying that the rabbis didn’t know all of science when they came up with halachos that for some reason still apply today?

          • Julia

            Whoops. Forgot my name.

            • Yankel

              Let me begin by having you know that if you are opposed to anything the Rabbis say regarding halacha or it’s obligation for all generations, you deny all of Judaism. Anything you call “Judaism” is some other religion.
              So congrats. Your only biologically Jewish (if even that), and whatever you believe is precisely on the level of Christianity and Islam.

              “Rabbinic Judaism” is commonly understood by the ignorant folk, as an ‘addition’ to Judaism created by Rabbis. Let me correct you. It is the name of the religion practiced by the Jews who stood at Mt. Sinai.
              All of the halachos which existed then, still exist now. Their application varies according to the state of civilization in every generation of course, (and this would explain the vast difference in dress, mindset, priorities, behavior, between todays authentic Jews and those of the past) but if you were to ask any previous generation “How would this halacha be practiced in the event of ….?” they would tell you exactly what we are doing now.

              Anyone with even the most elementary understanding of how halacha works will understand this.

              The Torah itself gives specific types of Rabbis (the Sanhedrin) the right to impose restrictions or additional laws, and all “additions” fall under those categories.

              Many seem to get caught up on the “did the Rabbis know all of science” issue. It’s so utterly irrelevant whether or not they knew science, that I am left with no choice other than to believe that those caught up on this issue are just looking desperately for a reason to say the Rabbis “didn’t know” science, and then apply the “didn’t know” to whatever they want, and create whatever religion they want and call it Judaism, so they can “feel” Jewish, and not feel ashamed at deserting the beliefs they belong to.

              So when you cry and wail about how Orthodox Jews consider you to be an apikores who has no part of the G-d of Israel and who for all practical purposes believes in Bhudda, all because you’re “conservative”, please recognize your own lame refusal to adhere to your own religion as the one and only cause.

              • Julia

                Good thing I realized I don’t believe in anything after going through a BY education followed by seminary.

                • Julia

                  And by that I mean I do not practice anything, including Conservative or Reform. I’m a good, ole’ happy atheist, who happens to find stuff like this amusing, despite that.

              • A. Nuran

                And you believe that despite evidence to the contrary why?

                Because you are told you MUST believe it on pain of shunning and death.

                Rabbinic Judaism was simply the final survivor in a rich centuries-long interplay of traditions and thought.

                • Yankel

                  a) It appears that you missed my whole point.
                  b) What “evidence” for heaven’s sake! There’s no “evidence” for anything. Just biased speculation, and some more biased speculation, and then some more biased speculation.

                  And then Nuran goes running after it like a wh0re, and then complains that what the Rabbis said/did doesn’t match the “conclusions” of these buffoons.

                  They throw some nice and impressive calculations at you, and suddenly they become prophets who you listen to indiscriminately?
                  Get real with the program already!

                  Do you also think George Bush was behind 9/11?
                  No?
                  But what about the evidence?! The evidence! All those FACTS proven again and again!

                  Dont tell me you were influenced by that cheap excuse of an answer to the great and might “Loose Change” film…
                  It was a fabrication put together by the government, in order to keep you as their slaves!

          • A. Nuran

            I wouldn’t be nearly so hard on them if they’d admit their ignorance and were willing to alter or set aside legal decisions that were based on mistakes. But the claim is that there’s that special Chazal->Sinai->God connection. And we have to take their word as Revealed Truth.

            If you want grandiose power and frankly self-idolatrous authority you have to abide by the same standard. Any mistake, anything which turns out not to be true, tosses that infallibility out the window. And same for the unquestionable authority.

            • sorry

              How so very enlightened you are youre great wisdom knows no bounds you r so smart and the rabbis were so dumb if they only were as brilliant as the great nuran, the issur to masturbate is mdoraisa you nitwit, yes i know you never came across a pasuk that says its ossur to masturbate so it must all be Made up, look the tzedukim didnt eithere accept the tora shebal pe so your in goos company

              • Julia

                The people who wrote the Torah didn’t know all of science, either.

                • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

                  Hence the reason science is assur

                  • Yankel

                    Not assur.

                    Irrelevant.

                    • Frumsatire Fan

                      Hmm not so according to many of the most important medieval gedolim.

                    • Yankel

                      I don’t know what you’re talking about.

                      Can you show me even one place where a Halacha was changed due to a scientific discovery?

                    • Eli

                      Yankel:
                      “Can you show me even one place where a Halacha was changed due to a scientific discovery?”
                      1) Chazal rule that we don’t save an 8 month old fetus on Shabbos becuase it isn’t viable (only 7- and 9- month old fetuses). We do not pasken that way nowadays
                      2) Chazal say you can kill lice on Shabbos because they generate spontaneously. R Nissim Karelitz says that since this was based on mistaken scientific beliefs, we should no kill lice
                      3) Chazal forbuid eating fish and meat together becuase it’s a Sakana. The Magen Avraham annuls the gezeira on the basis of “hishtaneh ha-teva”, but that’s a strange answer – how did nature change so quickly?

                      There are hundres more examples, without exaggeration.

                    • Yankel

                      You obviously didn’t understand my question.

                      Only one of your examples fits the criteria of “Changing Halacha due to scientific discovery”, the psak of R’ Nissim Karelitz about lice. Only problem is – he never said that. You are totally misquoting him. His explanation was “nishtaneh ha’teva” as well.

                      Chazal ruled that you do not do melacha to save an 8 month old, because in their times it was in fact not viable. If they would have had a way to save the child – of course they would’ve done melachah for it.

                      The fact that it is viable today doesn’t change the actual Halacha at all. The ruling was that “you don’t transgress Shabbos for a non-viable fetus”. That still stands today just as it always did. The only thing that changed is which fetuses are viable, hence the application of the same Halacha.

                      The third example has nothing to do with the topic at all. Your asking a separate question about how “nishtaneh ha’teva” works. Good shailah. Fact is, it happened.

                      Like I said, unless you pull some Mod-Ox psak out of your @ss, you will not find ONE source in all of Torah, where we change the actual Halacha – because of what is believed by scientists to have been a “mistake” by Chazal.

                      Science can only tell us how to apply Halacha. It cannot challenge or overrule Halacha.

              • anonymous

                Literally, Nuran; if you condone masturbation you are probably in goo’s company. Get it, goo?

              • A. Nuran

                Nice try, sorry. But it doesn’t wash.

                I’m not claiming to be God’s mouthpiece.
                I’m not claiming to be infallible.

                Your “Great Old Ones” are a little different. You are forced to believe that their words come straight from God’s mouth. What they say is Torah. You must believe that they are infallible.

                Since they are the ones making ludicrous and outrageous claims, they’re the ones who have to back it up.

                If a normal person is wrong he can admit it, change his mind and adjust. But if your idols have feet of clay the whole thing falls apart. The whole edifice of normative rabbinic Judaism is built on the assumption that they are literally and absolutely correct. Because if they aren’t God either lied to them or they aren’t speaking with His authority at all.

                And they are demonstrably, repeatedly, utterly wrong about simple matters of fact. What they believed was straight out of the common Pagan understanding of how the world worked. And if they’re wrong about the facts you can’t trust them to be infallible about interpretation. Or about what parts of the Mishnah (let alone Gemara) were family tradition, local superstition or things that someone in the Great Assembly pulled out of his hat.

            • Yankel

              I don’t see how displaying your ignorance of what the Torah is supposed to be is “Being hard on them”. Your not in a position to “Be hard on them”.

              Additionally, I hope you realize that you are not only speaking about “The rabbis”, but about all of Judasim. The Torah itself commands us to adhere to their words and not veer even the slightest.

        • Yankel

          It’s always such a treat to see two ignoramuses go at it.
          You hear an idea or halacha, and then your am ha’aretz minds conjure up an explanation, and walla! That is what the Rabbis had in mind.

          What’s so entertaining to me, is how confident you are over your own assessment of Rabbinic teachings. Because I kid you not when I say the average 7th grader in a yeshiva would laugh at your simple readings of the halachos.

      • Yankel

        “Is it murder when I don’t whore myself out to make sure I get pregnant instead of wasting eggs every month?”

        So I guess your definition of “respectable” is when two rich brats get married and decide they’re not going to have children…

        Because anyone who makes the decision to sacrifice one’s own comfort and give life to another, the same way someone else sacrificed and gave life to them – is a whore.

        Your views are getting more entertaining by the minute.

        I’d love to hear how you (being the intellectual you are) came to the realization that Atheism is the way to go.

    • zibble

      Akin to murder? Guess I’m a mass murdered then…

      • A. Nuran

        Every teenage boy is worse than Hitler, Stalin, Genghis Khan and Tamerlane. And the City of Refuge would be full to bursting with all the unintentional homicides.

        • are you suprised he would write this filth?

          C’mon “Nuran”.

          You sound like you MIGHT be too mature to egg this arse on.

          Why do you gollow this douche?

    • Anonymous

      “people do control themselves as hard as it is…..”
      once its hard no further control is possible in my experience!

  • Anonymous

    Let me know if you find out for sure that we need to make an asher yatzar afterwards. some days I am a 3-6 brachos short of 100 brachos and that would definately be more fun than smelling besamim.

  • Mahla

    I know someone, an Orthodox Jewish man, who has a heter for masturbation.

    • Mahla

      In fact he is an Orthodox Jewish rabbi, and no, he certainly did not issue his own heter, LOL.

      • http://hatthief.blogspot.com Meir

        He probably got it from the Jerkoffer Rebbe, no?

        • Mahla

          LOL!

          • Sergeant J

            Unless he is a raving nutter who might attack a woman or for some reason has MASSIVE DNA ISSUES.. I am not seeing the “heter” as real. Seriously, a frum actual rabbi, or a guy who bummed around in Yeshiva for a minute and got enough signatures and box tops in?

        • Frumsatire Fan

          The Lubavitcher Rebbe gave out dollar bills. The Jerkover…

      • ghottistyx

        Can you find one who has a heter for Blowjobs? They’re out there, but quite hard to find. I’ve never heard one say it straight out, but I’ve heard secondhand (and thirdhand) there they’re out there.

        • Julia

          During kallah classes my friend was told that as long as they remember to get around to the procreative sex at some point, everything else is just fine. Anal, oral, whatever. The rebbetzin who taught her this was right-wing-modern, or whatever they are calling it these days.

        • Anonymous

          You that desperate to give one?

        • Julia

          When my friend was taking kallah classes before she got married, the rebbetzin (right-wing-modern, or whatever they are calling it) told her that as long as they remembered to eventually get around to doing the stuff that is procreative, anything else is perfectly fine. Anal, oral, whatever.

        • Julia

          When my friend was taking kallah classes before she got married, the rebbetzin (right-wing-modern, or whatever they are calling it) told her that as long as they remembered to eventually get around to doing the stuff that is procreative, anything else is perfectly fine. @n@l, 0r@l, whatever.

          (Stupid filter.)

          • anonymous

            Basically, when Julia’s friend was taking kallah classes before she got married, the rebbetzin (right-wing-modern, or whatever they are calling it) told her friend that as long as they remembered to eventually get around to doing the stuff that is procreative, anything else was perfectly fine. @n@l, 0r@l, whatever. I think that’s what Julia was trying to say, am I right, Julia?

            Also, the rebbitzen said to do it every night and that the best cure for headaches in women is really rough, naughty sex, preferably involving another woman… say, your sexy coworker. Thus, the headache excuse should not be employed and abused as it so frequently is in our society, because that’s like complaining that you can’t take cough medicine because you have a bad cough. BEST REBBITZEN EVER!!!!!! HAPPIEST RABBI EVER!!!!!

          • Schwing

            Sweet! Jewish girls do anal? Wow. I’m there.

            • Yankel

              Don’t worry. Your wife will do a lot more than that.
              To be honest, anything your sick mind can come up with and more will be within your wife’s experience/expertise up until 8 years old. Past that – even you can’t imagine where she’s been.

              Suggestion, stop watching p0rn after you get married, or you might bump into a very unpleasant surprise one day.

    • anonimo

      I wonder if he is makpid on tevilas Ezra

  • elana

    I’m at a loss for words on this one…

  • Bubba Metzia

    I’ve seen him posting a lot on Rabbs’ posts on facebook lately.

  • Soul Bratha

    I would say you make Zokef Kefufim

    • http://frumsatire.net Anonymous

      The Kitzur Shulhan Arukh quotes the man d’amar that says if you say zokef kefufim before matir asurim, then you can’t go back and say matir asurim… Because you have to permit what is forbidden first…. Although, that’s not the reason for it halakhically.

  • Yid Vicious

    “[W]hen the Jerkoffer Rebbe friended me yesterday I just had to accept, purely based on the hilariousness of the name.”

    Hell, yeah. Gonna friend his ass up.

  • A. Nuran

    Whatever you do, don’t follow Portnoy’s example to closely. Your employer would get in trouble with the Health Department if he found out how you were marinating the liver.

    • are you suprised he would write this filth?

      Then again…u r a douche too.

      Get a life.

    • Mahla

      Funniest. Comment. EVER!

  • yiz

    like u said, the funniest is when everyone in yeshiva denies doing it but…… and the frummie rabbi’s wont talk about it. (besides, its costing the yeshiva alot of $$ for all those tissues….)

  • SAM I AM

    I had a vasectomy 15 years ago, so I can spray and not be oiver anything. Facial anyone?

  • talking stam

    your posts are SO much funnier after a couple of drinks!

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      I feel the same way

      • Leeba

        LOL! So true!

        • The Rebbitzen

          I’ll have a few drinks and return to the blog.

  • Shmobagel

    I was once listening to a Tanya shiur in yeshiva with a lubavitch rabbi that said wasting seed when one is married like er and onan is much worse than some one not married, A nocturnal emission is also less than regular act. It says in Tanya also the tikun for wasting seed is 84 fasts per act, but for anger the amount of fasts is more. I heard that eating a meal by a pidyon haben is like some one fasted 84 fasts. Maybe some one should start a list online of pidyon haben meals. Since our bodies are weaker now days we give tzedaka instead of fasting a lot. In kitzur shilchan aruch I think chapter 150 it discusses wasting seed and different tikunim for it. Also there is a lot of discussion in Halacha of ways not to be violating wasting seed for fertility issues such as using vibrators etc.

  • anonymous

    Why settle for a spoonful of mayonnaise when you can just as easily have a delicious creampie?

  • Tuna beigel

    I heard a interesting Halacha, if a Baal Keri doesn’t urinate before going to mikva he remains a Baal Keri. It’s better to urinate after jerking off so as no to have a shailoh on Asher yotzar. I heard a joke what’s the shiur to say Asher yotzar? Shney kebeitzim. Actually it says in Halacha even after one drop you have to make Asher yotzar. A rabbi once said to some one that rudley passed gas loudly in shiur that it’s a shailo if you make asher yotzar, becase you relieved yourself

  • Anonymous

    i think girls find posts like this really off- putting. some things r better left unsaid.

    • http://translatedseforim.wordpress.com OfftheDwannaB

      Better to keep that Disney picture of Yeshiva Bochur-Charming they drilled into your heads in Bais Yaakov than face reality, right?

      That leads to GREAT marriages.

      • Anonymous

        i never went 2 BY. i’m married and not unrealistic. still, not everything needs to be aired in public. heshy’s not anonymous, and i think most girls would find this kind of post off-putting.

  • SAM I AM

    oh as if girls dont rub the nubbin either right?

    • Anonymous

      it’s not the doing, it’s the talking about it in a public forum.

      • SAM I AM

        you’re right, let’s not talk about it. Can we have some pictures or video though?

  • Eli

    Someone told me that he went to Rabbi Solomon, the Lakewood/BMG Mashgiach, and told him that it’s impossible for guys today not to rub one out. To which he reportedly replied, nu nu, God doesn’t expect us to be in control of things that we can’t be.
    The Zohar is famous for saying this sin has “no kappara”, for as much as it’s worth.

  • Anonymous

    “99 percent of men of all ages masturbate regularly and the other one percent are liars.”

    • Mahla

      LOL. I went over to Wikipedia to look up the frequency and here’s what the article said:

      Frequency of masturbation is determined by many factors, e.g., one’s resistance to sexual tension, hormone levels influencing sexual arousal, sexual habits, peer influences, health and one’s attitude to masturbation formed by culture; E. Heiby and J. Becker examined the latter.[22] Medical causes have also been associated with masturbation.[23][24][25]

      Different studies have found that masturbation is frequent in humans. Alfred Kinsey’s 1950s studies on US population have shown that 92% of men and 62% of women have masturbated during their lifespan.[16] Similar results have been found in a 2007 British national probability survey. It was found that, between individuals aged 16 to 44, 95% of men and 71% of women masturbated at some point in their lives. 73% of men and 37% of women reported masturbating in the four weeks before their interview, while 53% of men and 18% of women reported masturbating in the previous seven days.[26]

      • Sergeant J

        Does that include girls who doit in their sleep? In survival school, I was bunked with about 30 people, and the girl closest to me was insufferable, and copmlained that “nobody better snore or whack off..” needless to say, she did both, loudly, off and on throughout the night..

        • Sergeant J

          complained

  • http://translatedseforim.wordpress.com OfftheDwannaB

    Everybody does it. The Steipler assurred Rebbeim from talking about the issur because it’s impossible to keep and just makes boys feel terrified and usually traumatized.

    • http://hatthief.blogspot.com Meir

      Do you have a source for that? I’m thinking it should really be in his Wikipedia entry …

  • Anonymous

    I think I am growing hair on my palms because of my masturbatory activity, but apparently I’ve become too blind too see it.

  • whackover

    Flog the log, beat your meat, slap the salami, choke the chicken, jerkin your gherkin, spankin the monkey all in good fun and all assur.

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  • Liviah

    boys,
    as long as you’re not turning red in the face and channeling your ferocious energy towards angry politics and buffed up egotistical Torah study….

    ze assur

    It should be a work in progress. The energy should be saved and regenerated towards Torah and HaShem. But we’re all weak sometimes, so do what you must so you don’t become a big aggressive ball of testosterone.

    (for example, those guys above who are calling everyone else ignorant of the “real” Torah probably should go masturbate)