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Thoughts on joint husband-wife facebook accounts

I hate joint facebook accounts, I think they are stupid, but I understand them and I feel that should too.- – sound confusing?

It has become a “thing” amongst Rabbis especially, to have joint husband and wife facebook accounts which make for very confusing facebook chats, messages and other random postings that you cannot decide which side of the facebook profile produced them – strange because you would think you could tell men and women apart, but when it comes down to it, Facebook makes everyone into a ploni.

There are a number of reasons for these annoying joint facebook accounts. I have been exposed to them for sometime, but in the Bay Area it’s out of control and I have on occasion a chance to speak to people as to why they go through the trouble. You would think that kiruv Rabbis would specifically have separate facebook accounts so that a woman with a woman type of question would be able to speak discreetly with their woman facebook friend, but not in this case, I almost feel that the joint facebook accounts hurt the kiruv rabbis in their marketing and indoctrination tactics because their “friends” and people they know can never be sure that the conversations are kept discreet.

So the main reason why people have join facebook accounts is because they don’t trust each other, at least that’s what it seems like. You don’t trust that your husband won’t click on those saucy ads for local singles so you have a joint account – don’t know why that helps?

Maybe you don’t want your husband to see any of those pictures of his old girlfriends or friends who were girls? What about him looking at the pictures of your friends, that doesn’t sound tool tznius to me? So the husband is on your joint facebook account and he gets to look at these hot pictures from the latest wedding where inevtibly there will be some picture of girls sitting around with their knees or ankles showing – if his wife is a niddah – there’s no telling what damage can be caused by this.

You think joint FB accounts are cute? They aren’t, they are annoying and did I mention they are gay (I use that term to describe certian things – sue me!)

Some people have joint accounts because they think it’s tznius, it’s not and I mentioned above why it’s not. In fact it’s worse, the guy only accounts will probably be talking about sports and guy stuff, but now he can look at his wifes messages from her girlfriends about their first mikvah night and all that entails.

Wives want to show their husbands off, is this true? I have no idea, but it sounds like a good idea – not tznius though.

It happens to be that in many cases the wives want to fend off old flames so I understand, in other cases the husbands wouldn’t join facebook, so the wives add them to the account – fine – but I still don’t like em.

There is one good thing about joint facebook accounts, I can post a link for both people to see and they will both see it.

{ 51 comments… add one }
  • Ell December 5, 2010, 6:43 PM

    you’re right. its dumb. not much else to say.

  • Ell December 5, 2010, 6:44 PM

    oh and it was kind of interesting to see the what happened to the joint couple who divorced. I’m not sure if they both got new names or he just took her name out but it was kinda funny.

    • A. Nuran December 5, 2010, 8:46 PM

      That’s a serious problem.

    • Anonymous August 2, 2011, 7:09 AM

      If you’re not making a joint account because of possible divorce, you’re in the wrong mentality to get married in the first place.

  • Abijah December 5, 2010, 6:55 PM

    If I have a risque conversation with my friend and it turns out to be his wife is it ok to continue with it?

    • Telz Angel December 5, 2010, 9:18 PM

      According to the legends, Telzers would be OK with flirting with either the husband or the wife. You decide. Just saying.

    • Esther December 6, 2010, 11:19 AM

      Well, at least in my head, couples have joint accounts as a preventive measure to any potential risque conversation. I mean, personally, if I have no way of knowing whether I am talking to the wife or the husband, I’ll never bring up anything but the safest of subjects… or avoid direct conversations altogether… They can do whatever floats their joint boats (hehe) but I will avoid them like the annoying joint facebook plague that they are. Meanwhile, I think the intent is to appear so close and so cute and so trusting that even on facebook they’re together! Not that anyone is buying that.

      • Mahla December 8, 2010, 1:23 PM

        Those are good points, Esther. (Especially that if you were unsure if you were speaking to the wife or husband you’d only discuss the safest of subjects.)

        • Mitch August 2, 2011, 7:23 AM

          Part of that is a great point. It keeps some past flame or some crazy current person from ignoring the fact that you’re married and saying whatever they want inappropriately. Does anybody think that its honestly untrusting to have accountability? Who is immune to still getting crushes or having attractions? If you don’t take the measures to preserve the marriage then how can you really say you value it. It’s apparent why the divorce rate is so high! If a couple keeps each other accountable, rather than just assuming that trust means they shouldn’t have to, then they are deciding to take the measures neccessary to protect something of value. If you go into it thinking youre above persuasion or temptation then you’re believing to much in love the emotion. Which by definition is an affective state based on circumstance. People that nurture their marriage and do it as a team, with the understanding that human nature fails us, are understanding the concept of love the choice. Contrary to popular belief, love the choice is actually far more romantic.

          • A July 14, 2012, 5:26 PM


          • Anonymous January 22, 2014, 7:33 PM

            Right on Mitch!

        • Anmolkumar July 14, 2012, 5:17 PM

          Wife no,

  • Smarty Pants December 5, 2010, 9:09 PM

    I think it is, in fact, very D-Baggy….but for some reason, I just don’t care that much and am ok with it. I don’t think the actual act of joining an account together is nearly as D Baggy as much as it reflects them as a gay/D Baggy couple. Its kinda like there is no one really who does it, that I know of, that actually surprises me…Its just a manifestation of what we already know about the couple.

  • thinkingbochur December 5, 2010, 9:25 PM

    I saved myself from these kind of problems by just not getting a facebook account, and I just forgoe the great pleasure of keeping up with my kindergarten friends, and anybody else I happened to meet and am not currently friends with.

    • Heshy Fried December 6, 2010, 1:36 PM

      To me facebook is about not keeping up with people, the people I keep up with I use the phone and real life for – everyone else gets thrown on Facebook.

  • Logical Conclusion December 5, 2010, 9:51 PM

    Of course it’s not tznius to have a joint account with one’s wife. That’s why my joint account is with my rebbe.

  • FrumGer December 5, 2010, 9:55 PM

    I think that anyone that cares enough to write a post on their blog about it is a much bigger douche

    • Heshy Fried December 6, 2010, 1:37 PM

      Do you actually think I care about the issues I write, I find them entertaining mostly, but the stuff I care about rarely gets written about.

      • FrumGer December 6, 2010, 7:22 PM

        its all good in da hood nigga’… you aint got to ‘splan nuttin fo me

      • hmm December 6, 2010, 10:44 PM

        So what is it that you care about Hesh?

  • acposen December 5, 2010, 10:01 PM

    Thanks Heshy for writing about my idea for a post!!

    These were exactly my thoughts too!!!

  • Yoreh K'chetz (aka Phil) December 5, 2010, 10:05 PM

    Facebook sucks. Without trying to sound like a frummer than thou, it’s one gigantic waste of time (bittul zman), loshon hora and flirt with old flames crap rolled in one. I personally know of a few facebook horror stories that would never have happened without facebook.

    I tried using it for revenue, didn’t seem too generate much, I don’t see any good in it whatsoever.

    Having a joint account is double trouble in addition to being totally douche baggy.

    • Anonymous December 6, 2010, 11:50 AM

      met my man on fb as did other girls i know.

      there is a purpose for it if Hashem created it.

      • Yoreh K'chetz (aka Phil) December 6, 2010, 12:00 PM


        Following your logic, there is a purpose for anything Hashem created, no matter how evil it may be.

        In your case, FB seems to have worked out positively, but in most cases, I believe it causes more harm than good. Again, it’s just my opinion.

  • Batya December 6, 2010, 2:28 AM

    Heshy, so should my husband and I be fb friends? We do check out each other’s blogs… sometimes.

    • Mahla December 8, 2010, 1:37 PM

      Batya, I’ll tell you what my partner and I do. We are FB friends but have one another “hidden” so as not to appear in one another’s feeds. We can visit one another’s walls and post, or send messages. But we have day-to-day privacy. For example, I can post on FB what I got him for a holiday present and he won’t see it. :^)

      • Anonymous May 22, 2011, 8:46 AM

        somebody’s husband is cheating lol ^

  • Homeschool Mom December 6, 2010, 6:16 AM

    I had a single facebook account that I never used. My husband put himself on it and then started adding all the friends and everything else you do with facebook (except play Mafia Wars and all that). I started paying more attention to facebook because of him.

    So I’m basically too lazy to take myself off and refriend everyone, but if I do comment on anything, nine times out of ten people will think it’s him. He would tell you that he would want me to see everything he does on there, because he wouldn’t want me to think he was hiding anything from me.

    Out of the people we know who have joint facebook accounts, I would say most of them do it for that reason.

  • Yankel December 6, 2010, 7:44 AM

    I think for many married folks, being on their own fb account reinacts the old days, and feels cheaty. You can’t avoid that curious feeling of “Who’s that cute girl poking me? Do I know her?” – even if you have no consideration to reply.

    It’s sort of an open route for any old ‘friend’ to look you up and send you a message.

    So yeah, I guess you can call it “not trusting each other”, but not in any serious way, just more like “Not being comfortable with spouse being in the environment where everyone hits on each other”. So for that a joint account takes care of the problem – even if it is a little g@y.

  • Lord G December 6, 2010, 8:10 AM

    Yes Heshy you are right, but you are missing the greater problem.

    Facebook profiles for cats!
    It is becoming out of hand with cats not only befriending their owners and owners’ friends but also having their only networks of vicarious cat-socialising. It is the great mageifa of our times, as the gedolim have stated…

  • Anonymous December 6, 2010, 11:53 AM

    I’m not married so maybe I’m just not aware of this –

    is my future husband going to use facebook – or othersites – for negative purposes if I am niddah?! Like is that a real thing that happens to every guy except the very strong few who can last two weeks without seeing a naked girl??

    • Yankel December 6, 2010, 3:01 PM

      Not every guy, but enough to be concerned. I don’t think it’s that much yet, but the numbers are quickly growing.

      I don’t mean to scare you, but we are living in a time where abnormal things are viewed as normal. Both males and females, married and single, can have internet addictions. These days it’s easy to fall in even before you know right from wrong. 10 and 11 year olds can be busy with filth you can’t even imagine.

      Why do you think Rabbonim are going crazy about internet and iphones? Why do you think there are schools which don’t accept kids who have access to unfiltered internet?

      You think they’re bored? It’s been too long since the shaitel story so they have to assur something else? Are you one of those?

      The internet is a real threat, not only to the frum community, but to the whole world. If you have any common sense, you’ll see to it that after you’re married, your computer at home has a good filter and webchaver, and maye no facebook is also a good idea.

      Don’t let the test happen in the first place, and you won’t need to worry. And daven. Daven like hell.

  • Anonymous December 6, 2010, 4:41 PM

    is the internet really the issue or will he just go to something else?
    if he really cant last two weeks, will he not go anywhere he can to do what he needs to do?
    forget about books, magazines, TV (chas v shalom) or cell phones with pictures – if this is really a problem for so many men, do they go outside the house to find shtus or is it just the internet and tv?
    it just sounds to me like internet is not focusing on the bigger issue. if two weeks is a problem for men, they will go anywhere they need to.

    • Yankel December 6, 2010, 5:49 PM

      (To reply to someone’s comment, click on the “reply” under their post, not on the bottom one.)

      You don’t have to worry too much about the “Two week” thing. You’ll see, it’s not that big a deal at all. Maybe in the beginning a little. It certainly not the catalyst for the shmutz some people are unfortunately stuck in.

      The only difference I can think of, is that if someone already has a problem, he will be more likely durring those two weeks to do things. If he doesn’t have one, then you really don’t have anything to worry about. (And yes, if the guy has a problem he will probably end up getting stuff elsewhere if necessary. The internet is singled out by Rabbonim, because in our day, it is almost always the original cause of all these related problems).

      You probably won’t end up with a guy like this, most people don’t. And it’s not healthy for you to be concerned about this, especially if you’re not even married yet. You should assume now that whoever you marry will be fine, and when you’re married you should DEFINITELY assume that your husband is fine. Being paranoid and distrustful are catalysts themselves, and they ruin your marraige.

      All I’m saying is, it’s sort of there in potential for most guys. However, it may very well never make any difference if one just doesn’t allow for the circumstances which usually lead up to it.

      Even men who are busy with it don’t ‘want’ to do it. (It’s often literally instant craziness, which one almost immediately regrets afterwards, vowing never to do it again.) Most guys should be willing to go along with a filter if they’re asked, hopefully even on their own. They don’t want a problem even more than their wives don’t want them to have it.

      The key for you as a future wife, is not to “solve” the problem of this possibility existing. This is the world, you can’t always change things. If guys are left in an environment with certain things constantly available to them, it’s quite expected that they can at some point have a weak moment. Just do your best not to let it happen in the first place. This sickness is the result of taking it easy with precautions.

      This is true for who you marry, and all the more so for your kids.

  • Rubin December 6, 2010, 4:46 PM

    Well, without trying to call the kettle black (as blogs like this have some parallels), Facebook (and Tweeting) to me is a complete waste of time for self-absorbed college-aged youth and adults who should know better. I can’t understand how peoples lives can be so obsessively important that they constantly need to update everyone about about nonsense and play these social games. In my opinion, Facebook must have really been invented by the Chinese to make Americans even less productive than they already are. But then again, I’m probably just too old to appreciate how the youth of today need this kind of shallow electronic personal identity.

  • FrumGer December 6, 2010, 7:43 PM

    Bottom line no need for responses, all men if given the right situation will give into the yetzer hora. much of our yetzer hora is submitted merely out of lack of opportunity. which is the very reason we have mehitzas in our shuls and laws of tznius to begin with. of course we cant be trusted!!!! take your avg ben ami. he is not a bad guy but not a tzaddik either. the right situation, no one finding out- he will sin. period. these situations are popping up now more than ever if only because of rampant opportunity.

    I love the idiotic argument- well if he cant handle a little this or that with out giving into temptation then he is just weak man.
    you mamesh right… duh!!
    of course he is weak. he is a human male. he has a sex drive that will power a nuclear sub. the whole point chazal was trying to make is “stay away from the verboten fruit!!!” mehitza it! dont even shake its hand!! fb is a probably the best way for guys to look up old girlfriends or crushes. it is also the best way to check out the hot wives of other men or co workers you find good looking and facebook stalk their pics.

    that said i have my own fb that im on only when I get a message in my email. which is maybe once a week. or if i need to get a hold of an out of state friend for something. i dont have all my friends emails… but my wife nows my facebook password and can check whos on it …

    • Yankel December 7, 2010, 2:21 AM


      “I love the idiotic argument- well if he cant handle a little this or that with out giving into temptation then he is just weak man.”

      The problem is, that parents with this attitude aren’t careful with their kids accessibility to things, and the individuals of society who were not given the desire for these things, are usually the loudest about saying it’s not normal or expected to have them, and the Rabbonim are “nuts with chumros”.

      But the cure for this attitude is quite simple and imminent. All these people need is an experience close to home and tada! They’re convinced the problem actually exists!
      Not that I’m wishing it on them G-d forbid, but for those who only validate the difficulties they’ve experienced themselves, and anything else is “Nonesense which you can control if you wanted to”, it’s either ‘get very lucky’ or ‘prepare for the worst’.

  • Leftover Cholent December 19, 2010, 4:29 PM


    I like the reasoning behind your post. My own piece, although it covers the same vein is just a rant against these couples who defiantly disregard the Facebook status quo.

  • Christeen October 23, 2011, 12:14 PM

    although you have some great points……my husband and i have family all over the USA, young and old. the only people we have on fb is family and thats strictly all we use it for….to simply keep in touch with everyone…pictures and what not. if not for all our family having fb and it being easier than sending 150 emails with pictures and what have you….then we wouldnt have them. so i guess what im trying to say is that if you dont trust who you are with…you shouldnt have got married/in a relationship in the first place…fb has nothing to do with it. and by saying that “not trusting” the other person is the only reason to make a joint fb you are absolutely wrong and closed minded. if its such a problem for you dont add the couple. i realize that there are still going to be people doing it for the wrong reasons but dont be so closed minded that you cant see past that to the ones doing it because they truly love each other and want to keep in contact with family….just saying…maturity people.

  • Facebook

  • Steve April 2, 2012, 12:31 PM

    Much ado about NOTHING!

  • Joy April 7, 2012, 7:40 AM

    Um…. no.

  • vignesh.s.m May 22, 2012, 1:43 AM


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    Proofread before you publish!

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      Check the date before you comment.

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