Brave girl agrees to post her shidduch resume on Frum Satire
I put the call out on Facebook for anyone who wishes to post their real/fake/funny or otherwise serious shidduch profile on my site can do so. I have heard several people tell me that they would like a guy/girl who has a good sense of humor or likes this site (I was one time honored when my friend told me he was out on a date and the girl was very offended when he asked her if she liked this blog, this a yeshivish date mind you and she rejected him because of this) But since we’re in the middle of shidduch crisis here – some people are willing to take the extra step – to utilize my blog to get themselves hitched. Heck some people have even begun to date out of towners and those on the far reaches of their hashfakic realm – so why not try posting your shidduch profile right here?
Name: Which one? The name on that appears on my driver’s license? My social security card? My passport? Or my real name?
Age: I can’t be certain because my shadchan has changed it too many times. It might be 18. Might.
E-mail or webpage: Not shayach. Koshernet only. If not for Jewish websites, I would have no idea what’s going on outside of my community’s bubble
Address: I don’t have an address in Boro Park, the 5 Towns, Flatbush, Queens, or even in New York, so I’m G.O. (geographically objectionable)
Picture: Hesitantly included. I’d rather not know that the guy rejected me solely because of my looks.
Height: 5’8-6’0 (with heels), 5’7 (in flats), and 5’6 normally.
Second Language: Hebrew, Yeshivish, Yinglish
-High School: Bais Yaakov dropout. Feel free to toss my resume into the trash at any time now.
-Israel: Practically spent a summer in Hillel cafe, flirting with Reishit and Lev guys.
-Post-Israel: College. And the only frum girl on campus. Since I evidently don’t attend Stern or Touro, assume that I’m off the derech.
-Moshava**( 1 year, too M.O)
-Chedvah (one week, didn’t have enough Juicy, Chanel, and Dior clothing to compete)
Shul: Varies weekly depending on who has the best kiddush.
Other organizations: NCSY (for kiruv purposes only)
Chessed: helping all the young therapists and nutritionists get real jobs. Did not work at HASC.
Yichus: Direct descendant of Avraham Aveinu.
Posek: www.askmoses.com, Eruv Hotline, OU Kashrus Hotline
Mechutanim (sibling’s in-laws): My brother is 18 and unmarried. Please daven for him.
Religious status (i.e. Yeshivish, chassidish, litvish): Out-Of-Townish
Future Plans: Live in New York next door to my parents– specifically in a Manhattan penthouse.
Dreams: To earn my MRS degree
Type You’re Looking For:
-Height: 5’7-6’0 (wearing a Borsalino), 5’9-6’4 (without a Borsalino)
-Size: 16 / 41 in Hugo Boss dress shirts only. If you don’t have the physique of a Ralph Lauren model, then hit the gym and lay off the cholent for a while.
Type Parents are looking for: Young, handsome, wealthy, charming, Medical/Law student willing to support them in their old age. Not too much to ask. If this type of guy can’t be found as I’m approaching the spinsterish age of 23, then anything male will do.
Do you wear a seatbelt? N/A (It might — Heaven Forbid — accentuate my figure and cause my date to have improper thoughts)
Do you wear Shabbos clothing or a robe on Friday night? Neither. Disney princess one-piece footie pajamas. Do you stack the dirty dishes on Shabbos? No. I hide them.
What do you eat on Shabbos? Nothing. I’m on a shidduch crash diet. A coveted size 0 is only three short celery sticks away.
What’s the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you on a date? It was mortifying. When I sat down at the lounge, my skirt lifted an entire inch above my knees.
What does it take for a boy to get on your list? A phone call/text. I’m already 18– I can’t afford to be picky!
If you want to get in touch with the author of this because you want to marry her, take her out for a free dinner or have the perfect guy for her – you can send her an email at firstname.lastname@example.org – or visit her blog about leftover cholent
If you want to feature your shidduch profile or resume here – please email it to me in a word document to email@example.com