Brave girl agrees to post her shidduch resume on Frum Satire

I put the call out on Facebook for anyone who wishes to post their real/fake/funny or otherwise serious shidduch profile on my site can do so. I have heard several people tell me that they would like a guy/girl who has a good sense of humor or likes this site (I was one time honored when my friend told me he was out on a date and the girl was very offended when he asked her if she liked this blog, this a yeshivish date mind you and she rejected him because of this) But since we’re in the middle of shidduch crisis here – some people are willing to take the extra step – to utilize my blog to get themselves hitched. Heck some people have even begun to date out of towners and those on the far reaches of their hashfakic realm – so why not try posting your shidduch profile right here?

Shidduchagram:

Name: Which one? The name on that appears on my driver’s license? My social security card? My passport? Or my real      name?

Age: I can’t be certain because my shadchan has changed it too many times. It might be 18. Might.

E-mail or webpage: Not shayach. Koshernet only. If not for Jewish websites, I would have no idea what’s going on outside       of my community’s bubble

Address: I don’t have an address in Boro Park, the 5 Towns, Flatbush, Queens, or even in New York, so I’m G.O.             (geographically objectionable)

Picture: Hesitantly included. I’d rather not know that the guy rejected me solely because of my looks.

Height: 5’8-6’0 (with heels), 5’7 (in flats), and 5’6 normally.

Second Language: Hebrew, Yeshivish, Yinglish

School:

-High School: Bais Yaakov dropout. Feel free to toss my resume into the trash at any time now.

-Israel: Practically spent a summer in Hillel cafe, flirting with Reishit and Lev guys.

-Post-Israel: College. And the only frum girl on campus. Since I evidently don’t attend Stern or   Touro, assume             that I’m off the derech.

Camp:

-Moshava**( 1 year, too M.O)

-Chedvah (one week, didn’t have enough Juicy, Chanel, and Dior clothing to compete)

Shul: Varies weekly depending on who has the best kiddush.

Other organizations: NCSY (for kiruv purposes only)

Chessed: helping all the young therapists and nutritionists get real jobs. Did not work at HASC.

Yichus: Direct descendant of Avraham Aveinu.

Posek: www.askmoses.com, Eruv Hotline, OU Kashrus Hotline

Mechutanim (sibling’s in-laws): My brother is 18 and unmarried. Please daven for him.

Religious status (i.e. Yeshivish, chassidish, litvish): Out-Of-Townish

Future Plans: Live in New York next door to my parents– specifically in a Manhattan penthouse.

Dreams: To earn my MRS degree

Type You’re Looking For:

-Height: 5’7-6’0 (wearing a Borsalino), 5’9-6’4 (without a Borsalino)

-Size: 16 / 41 in Hugo Boss dress shirts only. If you don’t have the physique of a Ralph Lauren    model, then hit the gym and lay off the cholent for a while.

Type Parents are looking for: Young, handsome, wealthy, charming, Medical/Law student willing to support them in their old age. Not too much to ask. If this type of guy can’t be found as I’m approaching the spinsterish age of 23, then anything male will do.

Other Questions:

Do you wear a seatbelt? N/A (It might –  Heaven Forbid — accentuate my figure and cause my date to have                         improper thoughts)

Do you wear Shabbos clothing or a robe on Friday night? Neither. Disney princess one-piece footie pajamas.          Do you stack the dirty dishes on Shabbos? No. I hide them.

What do you eat on Shabbos? Nothing. I’m on a shidduch crash diet. A coveted size 0 is only three short celery               sticks away.

What’s the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you on a date? It was mortifying. When I sat        down at           the lounge, my skirt lifted an entire inch above my knees.

What does it take for a boy to get on your list? A phone call/text. I’m already 18–  I can’t afford to be picky!

If you want to get in touch with the author of this because you want to marry her, take her out for a free dinner or have the perfect guy for her – you can send her an email at leftovercholent@gmail.com – or visit her blog about leftover cholent

If you want to feature your shidduch profile or resume here – please email it to me in a word document to frumsatire@gmail.com

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Gershon

    16/41 shirt size? I’m 6′, and my sleeve length is 34-35. 41″ sleeves are for 7-footers…is she looking to marry an NBA center?

    • Other

      I assumed 41 was chest size.

  • yudes

    Heshy, why aren’t YOU dating this girl ?

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      She lives in Ohio and isn;t really my type at all – but I’d make out with her if she wanted to.

      • I repainted my tefilin straps

        So you’re then not Orthodox, I presume?

        • Don

          No, he’s just evidently not shomer negiah at all…

          • http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/GUE.asp yossi

            No Donyel, then he’s not Orthodox… being shomer-negia is not a nice chumra for the few and pious. It’s basic halacha no less than Shabbos, kashrus and other essentials that make a person frum. If anything, it’s even more important, Shmiras Habris connecting to yesod, holding up a person’s entire spiritual foundation.

            Please read pages 15 and 16 of this eBook Dear Bochur to get a more clear picture about Shomer Negia:

            http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/PDFs/eBooks/Dear%20bachur.pdf

            To “make out” with an unmarried Jewish girl, a nidda, one of the arayos (!!!) is a most serious aveira, possibly a yaharog val yaavor. And to have full relations with one is to be chayav kareis.

            • http://jewishdepression.blogspot.com OfftheDwannaB

              Peta, GYE, and people pushing for the soda tax, you kanoyim are all the same. You externalize your problems onto some scapegoat, and then, like all good avoda zarahs, run roughshod over the truth to keep up the image in your mind that your random cause can really save you.

              Let’s examine your claims:
              “It’s basic halacha no less than Shabbos, kashrus and other essentials that make a person frum.”
              Shomer negiyah is not even midioraysa. It’s a takanah. For some, it is difficult to keep, but it doesn’t make you not frum. It’s a Ta’avah like any other. Are you oiver Bittul Torah, Lashon Harah? These are extremely serious things, more than something like shomer negeyah. And yet everyone has avak lashon hara.

              “If anything, it’s even more important, Shmiras Habris connecting to yesod, holding up a person’s entire spiritual foundation.”
              The reason no serious kabbalist makes such an outrageous claim as S”N being worse than the foundation of our faith, Shabbos, is because you misunderstand what the term “yesod” represents in kabbalah. (It is not your yesod, netzach and hod “combine” to form yesod for, among other things, creation of life.)

              “To “make out” with an unmarried Jewish girl, a nidda, one of the arayos (!!!) is a most serious aveira, possibly a yaharog val yaavor. And to have full relations with one is to be chayav kareis.”
              You are misrepresenting the facts here to push your agenda. Sex isn’t assur because she’s unmarried. (Rambam says it’s misah beiday shamayim so that Jewish women won’t become zonos, i.e a takanah). It’s assur if she’s a niddah. So, sexual relations with a niddah gets Kares, regardless of marital status. As to “making out”: Not being a specific halachic term, the seriousness would vary based on the action done. However, it definitely isn’t yaharog ve’al yaavor according to accepted poskim. How can you insinuate that it is? You show a careless attitude towards halacha and people by using it to push your agenda.

            • http://jewishdepression.blogspot.com OfftheDwannaB

              I don’t know why the lengthy response I wrote didn’t come up.
              My point was this though: I’m sick of GYE trying to force this issue down everyone’s throats. You people at GYE have a problem- addiction. It ruins your life because it is an addiction. It is a well studied psychological illness, not a religious one. Stop preaching to other people, and go get help for yourselves.

              • http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/GUE.asp yossi

                “However, it definitely isn’t yaharog ve’al yaavor according to accepted poskim. How can you insinuate that it is? ”

                Is the Chofetz Chaim not an accepted posek?

                See the end of perek 19 of his Nidchei Yisroel. It’s the right column on his link:

                http://www.hebrewbooks.org/pdfpager.aspx?req=41818&st=&pgnum=138&hilite=

                The Chofetz Chaim writes p’feirush that chibuk v’nishuk with a unmarried Jewish girl, a niddah, is most certainly a yaharog v’al ya’avor, and that fear and trembling should overcome someone involved such aveiros.

                That’s how I can insinuate it is.

                • http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/GUE.asp yossi

                  i’ll even translate word for word what the Chofetz Chaim writes:

                  “That which we wrote that one is obligated to give his life to avoid transgressing arayos is not limited to intercourse alone. But even embracing and kissing (chibuk v’nishuk) with any of the arayos or a non-Jew or a nidda falls under the category of yaharog val yavor, for any matter that’s forbidden because of idolatry, sexual immorality, and murder, even it’s not an act related to these not three punishable by death, one is still required to give his life rather than transgress the negative prohibition of ‘dlo sikrevu lgalos erva’, for these things lead to gilui erva. From this it comes one that those who sin with niddos, arayos, and non-Jewis are transgressing a severe transgression at the expense of their souls that the law requires they should rather give up their lives before transgression, even if they are oines. Additionally, one is chayav kareis on this issur even if the loose girl is un-married, for as it’s explained (he cites the source) , there is no difference between the unmarried woman or married woman regarding niddah: anyone who comes upon a niddah (in intercourse) is chayav kareis, as its explained that all unmarried women today are in the category of niddos. We will now elaborate on this severe transgression to demonstrate before everyone its heavy punishment so that one who is for many years without a woman, living in places where people are loose in matters of arayos, will not be seduced, rather his eyes will see and his heart will understand and and he return (to Hashem) and be healed.”

                  there you have it, the Chofetz Chaim writing b’feirush that chibbuk v’nishuk with an unmarried Jewish girl, a niddah, is yaharog val yavor.

                  may we take his words to heart

                  • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

                    You obviously haven’t made out with any cutties, instead you are rebuking someone for something in public which may be counted as killing me according to the Chofetz Chaim – besides he;s not my posek.

                    • http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/GUE.asp yossi

                      i actually have Hesh, thankfully nothing more than that, but I have made out with “cuties”.

                      i acknowledge it was a terrible aveira, i regret it, am doing teshuva for it, and haven’t done it in nearly two years.

                      i couldn’t remain silent when offthedwannab implied no accepted posek holds chibuk v’nishuk with an unmarried Jewish girl is a yaharog val yavor. “shteeka k’ho’da’ah”

                      hm, it’s only the universally accepted gadol hador and posek hador from a generation close to our own who holds this.

                      so you say he’s not your posek, hesh. does that mean your posek paskens making out with a girl is no problem? i don’t know who your posek is but i find that really doubtful.

                  • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

                    Besides if it;s not derech chiba, I’m merely practicing for marriage, then it should be on the level of shaking a woman’s hand.

          • http://kissmeimshomer.wordpress.com kissmeimshomer

            wow heshy, ur not shomer negiah, u must be a bad person

            • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

              I’m shomer until a cute girl wants to get it on – but the yezter harah made me do it, I swear.

              • I repainted my tefilin straps

                I understand your inability to resist the yetzer hara, but as the videos say, “I promise you, it gets better.”

                • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

                  Sex can be better than making out, but 18 years old is a bit young for me.

      • SF2K1

        Ohh she’s from Ohio? Me too! That alone could make us bashert. Or maybe it means I know too much about the community. Either way.

  • Anonymous

    meh the video was much better

  • Frustrated Shatchen

    This girl is a catch. What are you guys waiting for? No, I’m not her mother! I’m sorry that I don’t have any sons.

  • ZZB

    Why is she brave if the whole thing is fake?

    On another topic, Donyel, how old are you? I might have someone for you.

    • http://leftovercholent.blogspot.com/ Donyel

      I am 18… will be 19 on January 4th.

      • Broseph Lieberman

        omg i thought u must be like idk older, wow uve just got talent, readthe blog, very funny, i envy u

  • http://evolvingjew.blogspot.com Philo

    She lives in Ohio

    Go Bucks!

    - Former Ohioan

    • itchiemayer

      The Bucks are in Milwaukee…..oh yeah, I know, the Buckeyes…perpetually overranked Big Ten squad. I admit they are still better than mis Tigres de Missouri.

  • Anonymous

    That video really got to her..

    I sent an email to her stating that i met her qualifications… no response.. can’t post a resume and then play hard to get.. I also wear Disney princess one-piece footie pajamas Friday night.. C’mon!!!

  • itchiemayer

    Hey, I want to know if she is eligible to a Kohen. If not, why? If so,….why?

  • Anonymous

    Are you taking married folks resumes?

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      definitely not

  • Stacking the dishes

    Can someone please explain the stacking the dishes question? Is it some sort of inside joke? What does it mean??

    • http://leftovercholent.blogspot.com/ Donyel

      Some people are of the opinion that it does not look nice to stack the dishes in the sink on shabbos…. that it’s not kavodik.
      Many people simply hide them in the dishwasher.

      • Broseph Lieberman

        the real question is, are u a scraper?

        • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

          I feel like stacking and scraping is kind of like spitting or swallowing for frummies

          • Broseph Lieberman

            hehe reminds me of a r’ frand story (scariest person to ever make jokes) how one time he was in some place in i believe it was zimbabwe and the tour guide mentioned how the ladies there carry the baskets on their heads so they can hold their babies and that when men are looking for mates they try to see who can carry the most for the longest distance, to which rabbi frand replied, “wait until this gets back to new york!”

      • http://www.michaltastik.com Michaltastik

        a bunch of families I’ve been to, hide them in the oven

        • A. Nuran

          My grandmother did that. And left them there for days.

          • Don

            gross.

  • http://eyekanspel.blogspot.com eyekanspel

    If someone sent me a shidduch “resume” like this, she’d go to the top of my list. Hell, I’d probably call her up and propose on the spot.

  • rationalist frummie

    great picture! leftover cholent is an awesome blog, check it out. my only question; is donyel really a frummie or just fakin it

    • Don

      FFB. promise.
      Although, it depends on your definition of “frummie”. I do not consider myself a “frummie”. I tend to be more modern then Yeshivish.

  • you are a…

    ….gray sasshole.

  • http://jewishdepression.blogspot.com OfftheDwannaB

    You had me at “Posek: http://www.askmoses.com

  • Anon

    Donyel,
    Will you be barefoot in front of men who are not your spouse or close blood relative?
    This is important shidduch info.

    • Don

      Yes, but only if my toes are painted with a tzanuah color of nail polish.

      • http://Orthowatch.blogspot.com Orthowatch

        And by tzanuah you mean bright red, right?

        • Don

          black, actually.

          • Broseph Lieberman

            RAWR! HAWT!

  • Bubba Metzia

    This is a great idea. Heshy, you should post more of these. Do you know any single women in Florida?

  • My Toe is On Fire, My Fire is Free, My Toe is On Fire, Go Dance in the Sea

    From where does this lass herald?

  • Don

    For those of you that have asked me, this post was 100% satire. It was intended to be a humorous play on the quintessential shidduch resume. I did not expect, nor do I still expect, and responses to it.

    Have a little class when you comment on blog posts. Some of yours are simply tasteless and crude.

    • http://eyekanspel.blogspot.com eyekanspel

      Only those who comment using their real names have reason to be tasteful. Too bad my parents named me Eye.

  • frum girly twirly nerdy ‘n’ cooooooool

    I agree with yossi. Let me tell you that the reason you are saying all of this is simply because you want to remove the consience of imorality from the world like what hitler wanted to do you are doing!!!(but in a different way if you want to call it a more inviting way!)

  • frum girly twirly nerdy ‘n’ cooooooool

    The reason that I’m saying this not to be cruel but because it is pure Emes! Yes girls do give you a big taiva to say the least!!!!!!!!! that’s very good but halachically we are above the animalistic world! there is a time and place for everything. No need to practise Hesh cause let me tell you one thing hashem has designed it in such a way that you will know how to preform sex without ever have done it before. Dcause it’s in you. Animals do it whenever they feel like and we are NOT ment to be this way. We are an am segulah we are not only elevated from animalistic traits but we are also above the rest of the world for we are a holy nation and therefore we should act the part! don’t block out the truth cause you are only fooling yourself.

  • PostFFB

    Hi Donyel,

    I think this was entertaining, too bad you arent in PA. I would ask you out if you were

    • Broseph Lieberman

      Hehe ive been thinking that for a while, but i guess thats just another reason why this state is inferior

    • http://leftovercholent.blogspot.com/ Donyel

      not interested, sorry.

      • PostFFB

        However I do go once in a while out to Coshockton OH, I got a relative out there who is probably the only jew in a 30 mile radius of redneck country OH

        • http://leftovercholent.blogspot.com/ Donyel

          still not interested. I’m seeing someone at the moment. sorry.

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    • Mahla

      This was not just barely-disguised spam, it was kinda scary spam.

  • http://idonthaveone JACK

    the perfect woman

  • http://n/a Julia

    HILARIOUS