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Shul honors only mortgage holders

Guest post by Telz Angel

There’s a bit of a kerfuffle at Shaarei An-Daron in Iberia, Missouri. As it turns out, the shul has started to formally segregate between members who are home owners and those who rent apartments. This is getting some people very upset.

Everyone knows that apartment dwellers were not treated so nicely. The home-owners would not interact with them much, and it seemed that they’d be marginalized from many of the shul social activities. And as much as this sounds harsh, it makes sense to many in the shul. Bernie, the shul president explained it to me simply: “home-owners are willing to invest in the shul since it’s part of their lives. Those nomads and vagrants who come here for a two years and then move to better Jewish Communities can climb a tall pole for all I care.”

“The worst are the Israelis”, Bernie tells me, “since they show up when they feel like it, and never donate anything to the shul. They bring their kids with those silly satin yarmulkes that you just know they never wear outside of shul. The men show up in designer jeans, and their wives smell of smoke. By them it’s all backwards.”

Bernie explained that the new shul policy is a clarification of the reality we all know. He hopes that in a few years time, all the apartment-renters will mend their ways motivated by these new rules. In the meanwhile, the policy is crystal-clear. If you are a home-owner, you can get an aliyah, serve on the board, and get nominated to be a dinner-honoree. As an apartment-dweller, your privileges are limited. You can help set up and clean up during Kiddush, and take the siddurim back to the bookshelf after davening. If you donate an extra $750 to the shul every year, you can then get an aliyah on Shabbos mincha and during the week.

Dr. Dvir Lahav, a post-doc who is here for two years doing research in the effects of Anheuser-Busch on female graduate students (I’m told he lives in a sweet apartment) was quite upset about this announcement. Dvir says he’s going to stop layning for the shul if they don’t rescind the $750 tax. He says that this whole thing is a ploy by Bernie to get more business — Bernie runs the largest real estate company in the local towns of Valorian and Derion.

“We are the real winners here”, says R’ Mendel Chabbachinsky, “since we have an open door policy. Just last week the Rebbe sent me a tweet on Twitter telling me that I should expect more transients coming to my Shabbos minyan and vodka parties. I’m used to only getting undergrad students who come to me to juice up before they hit the frat parties, but now I’m expecting many more grads and post-docs, as well as the Israeli entrepreneurs and other young couples who are upset at the closed-minded gatekeepers at Shaarei.”

So, what do you think? Should apartment dwellers be treated the same as home-owning congregants?

{ 11 comments… add one }
  • Anonymous October 14, 2010, 5:21 PM

    First comment

  • chaim October 14, 2010, 9:48 PM

    you should make a button on the top of each post that let me give it a thumbs up since you are a really good writer but allot of times there is nothing to comment unless its negitive which makes a bad after efffect on the article but if you would have the button on the top poeple will see 500 recomending that would be good

    • Michaltastik October 14, 2010, 10:20 PM

      You cannot spell, therefore you cannot say if Heshy writes well. On that note… “I’m use to only getting”? Come on, there was an editor’s note just the other day. What gives? does he edit when he feels like it? Or maybe he’s terrible… considering how many people offered to edit for free, Hesh, no excuses.

      • Levy Bernstein October 15, 2010, 9:06 AM

        The problem is that I have a full time job and therefore edit when I can. Particularly, if I see an article that is really bad I jump in and fix it. If there are only a few issues, I leave it be since nobody even seems to notice either way most of the time.

    • OfftheDwannaB October 15, 2010, 6:37 AM

      That’s a good idea. Michaltastik, stop being a grammar nazi. Nobody appreciates nitpicking.

      • Heshy Fried October 17, 2010, 1:37 AM

        I didn’t write this post – as it states at the top and I’ve asked my web guy to create the I like thing and he never did.

  • OfftheDwannaB October 15, 2010, 6:42 AM

    I forgot to mention: As always, great stuff, Telz Angel. Tight writing, insightful, and very funny.

  • lowa October 15, 2010, 6:57 AM

    wow…jews as classists?? that’s original. Jews as grammatical snobs?? that’s new! hype down jews v’ahavta each other (sorry, never studied Jewish grammar, so don’t invite me to your shul!!)

  • Telz Angel October 15, 2010, 2:20 PM

    Thanks for the comments. Chaim — you and others who like my writing can just say so in the comments. Or I can get nasty like Heshy did and piss more people off.

    OfftheDwannaB — thanks! You can join Yankel — the president of my fan club.

    In terms of grammar – I claim to have attended Telshe Yeshiva once. English language arts was hardly a priority. In fact speaking correctly was frowned upon by everyone, with the noted exception of the Rosh Yeshiva, Rabbi Gifter (who spoke an impeccable English since he was born in West Virginia) — but he was then frowned upon by everyone for leaning a bit tziyoni when he pushed to open TelsheStone in Israel. (hey — that’s gonna get some comments flowing!)

    Fortunately I would slip a copy of Elements of Style by Shrunk and White in my shtender so I could learn this language during the mussar schmoozes.

    I noticed that the editor did modify my text as I has written “Bernie telz me” not “Bernie tells me” in the 3rd paragraph. Maybe I’ll start a series of “So, listen to what he Telz me…” posts.

  • Esther October 15, 2010, 4:00 PM

    “mussar schmoozes” lmao 🙂

  • The Jewish Desert Tortoise October 17, 2010, 1:40 AM

    This was a terrific article! If I didn’ thave a friggin’ headache after sharing a bottle of wine w/my friend at the Getty earlier tonight, I’d be LMAO-ing. I love the dude’s description of Israelis–so priceless! Wandering Jews, them! And their wives who smell like smoke ha ha ha ha! Can we go further and talk about their unkempt blonde hair and black roots? Green contact lenses? Ultra raspy voices (especially the Moroccan ones)? No control over their kids–and don’t want to, either? Cleavage spilling out? Someone please–take the baton…

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