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Out of town dating sucks

44 comments

So I decided mentally that I would begin trying to meet some girls again, I have gone out one date since my girlfriend and I broke up in February. But due to the super active lifestyle I have been leading in California I really haven’t gotten down to business. Alas, I am almost 29 and I suppose I should get off my lazy ass and try to at least pretend to be succumbing to communal and family pressure to marry. I say ‘pretend’ because I find life to be so enjoyable that it has been flying by without me noticing that I don’t have someone to cuddle with and wash my clothing for me.

So nu you want to get married right?

Sure, yeh, whatever you say – everyone wants to get married, right? Of course, I want to get married and have the brood toiling on our land in central Montana, but as I mentioned, life is damned good. I love my job, love the mountains right outside my house and love the fact that I never have to sit in traffic – the problem is that when life is so good – you feel like you don;t need anyone to share it with. I almost feel as if people move out of cool places to give the New York singles scene a try because the misery it puts you through causes loneliness and desperation.

There must be some sort of singles scene in the Bay Area right?

I’ve met some ladies, but to be honest with you folks, I’ve only recently realized that I never socialize and would rather be by myself in the woods than anywhere else and I haven’t met any ladies who like the woods as much as I do.

Why don’t you join saw you at sinai or something?

I have nightmares about saw you at sinai, matches piling up waiting for me to say yes, and organizing a fruitless shidduch marathon vacation in New York City, only to realize that instead of sitting with 6 different girls in Starbucks on the Upper West Side, I could have been backpacking in Yosemite or riding my bike around the Marin Headlands. Let’s face it – Out of Town Dating Sucks and I doubt I’m a hot enough commodity to warrant any ladies to pay for a flight to come date me (if there are some ladies who would actually fly out here to date me, I can show you a good time) of course if someone comes to your town to date you, you may be stuck with them all weekend – I’ve been there and even if you throw up in your mouth when they emerge from the baggage claim area – there is not a damned thing you can do.

So what’s a guy to do?

If any of you know of singles events in LA or Seattle I would be down with hitting that up – or if any of you want to send me to a large singles event in your area I’m down – to tell the truth – singles events are the BEST place to garner new material so it’s a win-win situation.

  • Adena

    I don’t think you _really_ want to settle down and get married yet. You are still traveling, living free, doing what you want, when you want it. When you are ready, and you are a bit more settled (home, job, community) it will fall into place. Right now…I can’t see why a woman would want you. Sorry: that’s how I honestly feel.

    • Anonymous

      Adena, I am holding back from ripping you apart for you comment because I’m having a wonderful afternoon. But not all women want the things you want (as you mentioned, money). Some women care about things like personality, or whether a guy is interesting, whether he is a caring person or if he would be a good partner. Some couples even want to live free and travel before they settle down and have children.

      Hesh is a catch. One of my female friends is bothering me to set them up and she is great.

      Maybe you should open your mind and your horizons…

      • Ell

        I agree. Relationships are about connecting and being with someone you love and I bet Heshy would be great in a relationship. It is too bad because most of the girls are in NY right now. Whats a guy to do.

      • http://www.michaltastik.com Michaltastik

        Where did she mention money? Heshy doesn’t REALLY wanna get married. You can see that by the fact that he moves more often than I change my haircolor.

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      The funny thin g about it all is that I don’t think marriage is about settling down, I doubt I will ever settle down – sure I have a job I like, a community and a place to live, but what does that have to do with getting married.

      • Shekina5771

        I’d date you in (yes, I’ll say it) A HOT NEW YORK SECOND if I was only young enough to. And religious enough. But I do like the woodies–I mean the woods–and I love gathering material by observing others. I’m sure you’ll find a like-minded girl soon, who’s spontaneous and energetic; with whom you won’t HAVE to settle down. OMG life with you would be one adventure after the next! Whoever gets you is gonna have SUCH A FUN LIFE. I’m envious!!

  • Shaking my Hair Cape

    just wanted to say, saw ur most recent video and that haircut made u like a million times hotter.
    yes, girls (and guys) are vain and hair matters.
    you are hot and funny.
    if you lived here – not in the mountains – i would date you for sure.

    doesnt matter where here is; its not in the mountains.

    alas i am single and looking forever more…

    • MonseySixPack

      Where do you live?

  • http://abandoningeden.blogspot.com abandoning eden

    not all women will wash your clothes…in fact in my house it’s my husband who does all the laundry. :)

    in fact if i were you i would be going for the non-traditional-gender roles women, cause they will prolly have more in common with you in general. Try jdate, I bet there are a bunch of Berkley/Stanford grad students thinking they are too smart to land a good guy (I know I had that problem when I was a grad student- I know I was very intimidated to men because several flat out said that to me. As a smart interesting guy, you have a lot to offer, especially to women who want to have a high-flying career and maybe a guy who can help more with kids/the house while they are out career-ing).

  • Mordechai Milotay

    Hey Hesh – I am not sure if I was more of a hot property than you are, but my now wife was willing to fly to Victoria, BC from Detroit, about as far out of town as you can get, and we met through SYAS. She paid to come and see me, and then I paid to come and visit her a month and a bit later (with a ring in my pocket). She has now shed the Oak Park ethos, can differentiate between kale and chard, helps tend our backyard chickens and on Sundays and vacations we get out to the country or off to a wild strip of beach somewhere on the island with our children. Like you I was ‘happy’ with my life (growing organic veggies, hiking with my dog, kayaking, swimming with salmon getting ready to head up stream to spawn), but life is so much better now.

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      Life is always better if you can find a partner to enjoy it with and that post made me want to come up and visit you so badly – which I intend to do one of these days.

    • Shekina5771

      I’m impressed! Only since last year was I able to finally distinguish Kale from Chard–due to the local farmer’s market in my shtetl. And have you seen how much the chef’s are charging for a small plate of it? At “Animal” (a treif rest. 1/2 owned by a Jew), a fab kale salad w/shaved pecorino, lemon and almonds is $12. And I mean, a SMALL plate! Anyway, your lives seem fantastic!

  • Groupie

    Hesh, I think that you nailed it. You are not ready to marry. That’s cool and honest. You should not waste a girl’s time or hopes if your head is into biking and mountains, unless you find the one girl who is interested in the same. The truth is that most orthodox women want stability in their future husband. You seem like a GREAT guy, but I agree with Adena ,not the guy who would be considered to be “husband materiel “, no diss intended. It has nothing to do with money since many young women seek out the Kollel guy who will not be an “earner”. I think you are trying to figure yourself out first.

    Btw the girl in the ad next to the comment box will make grown men cry. That is all I have to say about that.

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      I have figured myself out and continue to do so, I sure as hell hope I can continue to figure myself out – does anyone really ever know themselves? Sounds like such a stagnant life.

    • http://www.michaltastik.com Michaltastik

      Everyone sees a different ad on pages, any page. You don’t know that? I guess I just know it as a Marketing student.

    • http://alarbean.wordpress.com DrumIntellect

      But surely there are many women who are looking for what Heshy is looking for. Companionship and someone with whom to share experiences. Marriage is not the only destination.

  • Batsheva

    I met my husband online back in 2001. He was living in Dallas, and I was living in Philly at the time. It was not an obstacle. As fate would have it, his company wound up sending him on business to the Philly area less than a month after we first met online. He was there for a week. By the end of that week, we were informally engaged, and we were married 3 months later. When it’s right, you know it. And when you’re ready, you know it. My husband was 31 when he decided that he was ready to get married, and he created his own online dating pages, which I found. A page about his personality and interests, A page about his religious observance, and a page about what he was looking for in a woman. He knew who he was and what he wanted (Me, as it happened–he basically described me without ever having met me), and in less than a year, from creating his site, he was married (and he didn’t have to pay to join any dating sites, either). Your tone in your essay above does make it sound like you’re really not ready to be married. When you are, there are a million ways it could happen (my parents met on a blind date arranged by their kosher butcher, at my dad’s request), but my husband’s technique proved pretty powerful. Just something to bear in mind.

    • Shekina5771

      Batsheva, your husband must be a genius, and if he got you, you must be pretty amazing yourself. I think you two owe it to the community, however, to do a mitzvah and become shadchanim for the new millenium. Well, it’s not new anymore, but your husband’s technique is very progressive and people can learn from it. Think about it.

  • Sbeth

    Heshy- I don’t get it, I know tons of women who love the mountains and hiking. Why are you setting up Starbucks dates in NYC when you should be heading to loci where these other women would be congregated? Ex- Simchat Shlomo’s Eco-Activist Beit Midrash in Nachlaot… and a hellavulota other places.
    Davka, shouldn’t you have an easier time? The sole criteria of looking for an active outdoors-woman totally narrows down the dating pool into a manageable amount, does it not?

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      Of course it narrows it down, so much so that I have gone out with the spectrum of hashkafos or lack of hashkafos – with that said, I have no intention on Moving to Israel – true outdoors nuts can’t stand the place for it lacks the beauty and goodness of America.

  • Adena

    I stand by my comment. And by the way, Anonymous, I didn’t say anything about money. I said “settled – home job community”. That doesn’t mean money, it means commitment to a place, to work, to a community. Very few women will be willing to travel around from place to place like Hesh does – especially once kids come along. I’m speaking from a place of experience, not closed-mind-ness….

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      Well I’ll have you know that for the first time in my life I feel settled, I have no intention of leaving the Bay Area – I love the community, my job and the outdoors opportunities – now to find that woman.

      • http://www.michaltastik.com Michaltastik

        OMG! You should write a post on that…. that sounds more like that. YOU feeling settled? are you sure?

  • Esther

    Hesh, best of luck, and quit fishing for compliments ;) I love that there are female commenters fighting over this… And yes, they are all correct:

    -You are funny
    -You are hot
    -You are not ready to be married

    With that said, it still makes sense to date, because if/when you meet the right person that you’ll want to spend the rest of your life with, you’ll be ready. So, good luck finding the outdoorsy adventurous woman you’re looking for :)

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      Well maybe if these ladies find me hot I can get some in the meantime – I don’t mind a little action on the side – it’s really the least you people could do for me – besides make donations and forward my domain to your friends.

      • Shekina5771

        I just forwarded it to a nationally recognized human rights lawyer, okay? And my sisters and mom too of course, with whom I kvell over your entries.

      • Esther

        ROFL!!!!!!! Oh, man, how do I love thee, let me count the ways….

        Make donations – sure
        Forward your domain (and quote and refer to you endlessly to anyone who’d listen) – sure
        Get you off so you keep writing – keep dreaming, dude…nice try though

        “The least” your followers can do for you is keep reading and following, not servicing you, aight!

        “Heshy Fried, The Frum Playa” kinda has a nice ring to it…

        LMAO :)

        • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

          I’ve taken advantage of 3 fans so far – or shall I say they’ve taken advantage of me

          • MonseySixPack

            Nice. I thougt you’re orthodox. Or did they just got dipped in yosemite lake?

  • http://twitter.com/MarkSoFla Mark

    In my experience, that are FAR MORE outdoorsy Jewish women in Israel than in the USA. Far more. The JAP stereotype didn’t come from nowhere! :-)

    • Sbeth

      this makes me think… follow-up to what i wrote before-

      Frum people who connect to the earth and like outdoors activities, are probably also the frum people who connect to the idea of living in Eretz HaKodesh. Ergo, more frum people living it up Zionistic style in places like Bat Ayin.

      I sometimes feel that many of the frum people living in the States/elsewhere are agriculturally disconnected urban types.

  • Yankel

    I am going to apologize for expressing such extreme frummy beliefs here, but I think it’s 100% true so here goes:

    “the problem is that when life is so good – you feel like you don’t need anyone to share it with”
    Well, one thing I can guarantee you, you won’t be feeling that way when you’re 55 and watching all your friends marry off their kids and going to their einiklachs’ brism and bar mitzvas.
    All you’ll be thinking is “I gave this up for what? For biking?!!”.

    Listen buddy, I would strongly suggest that you work on getting youself to a genuine realization of the necessity for you to get married.
    Talk to a Rav you connect to, read a sefer on life in general, pick up a Koheles, dude something!
    You only live life once, if you choose not to make the absolute best out of it – nu. But if you don’t even cash in on the basics – that becomes a tragedy.

    • MonseySixPack

      Well said.

    • A. Nuran

      Maybe, maybe not.

      There are plenty of great people who just don’t want to get married or who get married and just don’t want children. If Heshy is one of them he’s better off not inflicting himself full-time on some girl who wants both.

      • Yankel

        My point is for him to get himself to want it. Because inevitably, later on he will wish he did it.

        I still remember, there was this doctor specialist guy, who decided together with his wife that they wouldn’t have children, and for the years between 30 – 50 they actually prided themselves in their descision.
        Whenever they’d be on a plane and heard someone elses baby wailing away, they’d give each other a knowing smile and be reassured that they made a wise descision.

        Well, as time goes on you start to see things differently, and before you know it this ‘wise’ doctor was lamenting how he has nothing to show for his life but some money. Since retirement – nobody has any interest or need for him, and he’s too old to even enjoy vacationing anymore.

        Nebach, the only relative he had was a nephew who was waiting for him to drop dead so he can finally get his hands on all that money his rich greedy uncle was hoarding….

        Besides, Hehsy doesn’t strike me as the “I DON’T want kids and a family” type. He’s just having fun now, and wants to continue.

  • Bubba Metzia

    New York doesn’t seem to be working for you. Maybe you should try somewhere else like Baltimore or Miami.

    • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

      Good thing I live in California then

  • Ell

    First of all, there is some sort of Jewish outdoors club somewhere, i dont know if people have info, but a lot of singles are part of that and they hike all the time. Second of all, Heshy, I think you should try and connect to girls online through skype, email, whatever. See if you can connect there and yes, think about flying in if theres a real reason to.

    Best of luck, we’re all rooting for you.

    • Shekina5771

      I think it’s called Mosaic. There’s also Jewish Outdoor Adventures in L.A., which does hikes and cool weekend trips. But one look at the photos, and you’ll realize they’re headed down the altercocker road. Heshy….get on JConnect’s e-list, and when they have events that interest you, come down to L.A. for them. Or friend Rabbi Yonah on FB and you’ll get it all there. Lastly, check out the Happy Minyan in L.A.: a “frumunity” (i just made that up) of Hasidic Hippie chicks that prolly love the outdoors!!! They daven at a Karate Dojo studio on Pico.

  • MonseySixPack

    Total screw up. A looser. Iam sorry for saying.

  • Anonymous

    you should date non-jewish girls willing to convert. People will be shocked but it will give you a lot to blog about!

    you are adorable, I would date you. :-) but I won’t really :-/

    • http://www.michaltastik.com Michaltastik

      You could try to date converts. I don’t know anyone younger than you, though, except for prissy girls converting to become a JAP.

    • A. Nuran

      Or as the old joke ends…

      “Jabbers, Father. The old converter isn’t what it used to be.”

  • PaulHMA

    My wife and I have a theory that SYAS works much better for out-of-town guys than for anyone else. It worked for us and we know a lot of couples that met through SYAS and the guy was from ‘out-of-town’. It just seems that the guy is much more serious about finding someone and girls can decide on the spot if the guy is geographically undesirable or not.