Traditionally before Rosh Hashanah people in yeshiva go around and ask everyone to forgive them, they say the words “hey man you mochel me?” and with one or two words “yeh sure, whatever” you are free from all the ways you wronged your neighbor. I almost feel like one should ask for mechilah from people right after they finish with some juicy loshon horah or something, but now I ask you all for forgiveness for all the ways I wronged you.
My personal vidui to you:
I have wronged you (I didn’t deliver the content you wanted and you dropped me from your RSS feed)
I have become perverse (my Jewish porn titles and frum pickup lines weren’t so frum)
I have scorned (of course I have)
I have offended you (I should hope so, lord knows I tried)
I turned you away (your comment got stuck in spam and I couldn’t retrieve it in time to spark a heated debate)
I have perverted (something about shomer negiah loopholes seems to defy what the Rabbis had in mind)
I have sinned (I even admitted it publicly – if this were messianic times I would have been killed many times)
I have not cleaved to the lord (I’m down with cleavage)
I have mocked (indeed I have)
I have ignored (do you know how much email I get, I’m sorry I didn’t get back to you)
I have used excuses (the yetzer harah made me do it I swear)
I have made false promises (if this plane lands I promise I’ll never lust after girls again)
I have lusted (let’s take the neo-chassidic house party approach and thank God that it’s not men I’m lusting after)
I have acted wantonly (I swear I thought the wantons were kosher – I could never figure out what this meant)
I have overslept (but I started setting an alarm)
I have looked over the mechitza (good thing there are no single ladies where I live)
I have looked at lewd images (not my fault google images safe mode isn’t that “safe”)
I have dined with heretics (my Atheist friend took me out to lunch – free food cancels out the heretic part)
I have spoken slander (I’m sorry about this one – slander blows)
I have thought evil thoughts (every 12 seconds according to statistics, but I’m a romantic, so it’s more lovely than evil)
I have given the finger to other motorists (not much in California, it was all in NY)
I have betrayed you (you will all notice that the famous sex post is gone)
I have missed z’man kriyas shema (almost every day)
I have not learned (I guess birhcas hatorah counts as koveah ittim but who am I fooling)
I have acted brazenly (another vidui I don’t understand)
I have stayed in the passing lane (seriously sorry for that)
I have driven under the speed limit (I never go that fast here in California)
I have dissed (your kiddush sucked)
I have spilled my seed (sunflower seeds are hard to manage while driving)
I’m sure there’s more, but that’s it for now. I hope you will all forgive me for any way in which I have wronged you. I forgive you all for the following, I forgive you for not donating money, not taking out an ad, not interviewing me for your newspaper or magazine, not hooking me up with girls, not trying to get me married, not commenting enough, saying nasty things about me, defriending me on facebook, canceling comedy shows, not coming to my shows, accusing me of insert something you could accuse me of, not taking me out for dinner, not flying me to Israel to hang out with you, not inviting me to your ski house, I’m sure there’s more – but you are all forgiven for every vow, oath or cherem – I retroactively forgive you and you are forgiven for you have been forgiven.
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
“I have spilled my seed (sunflower seeds are hard to manage while driving)”
Hahahahaha!
This post rocks. Except you’re not supposed to do vidui until Yom Kippur.
yeh sure, whatever
The sex post is gone?!
This is one of the funniest posts in months. But it has 3 comments!
Heshy should have put sex or off the derech or something else controversial in the title. Then maybe people would read it.
Something you might like
http://www.youtube.com/user/shambelz#p/a/u/2/6ZLq_JB8H44
nice post heshy, thats really all I can say.
maybe not
Wontonly- to be debaseful, lustful, with out restraint, etc, its like excessive sinning..
Brazenly- to be hot headed, bold, acting out of anger without thinking.
i amek a similar list every year, and submit it to god
Is birkat haTorah really koveah ittim? That sounds about as substantial as saying, “I’m talking right now,” and have that count as speech. It seems more like meta-koveah itttim. Anyway, who am I to argue? I think we’re on the same daf with that one.
It takes a big man (get your mind out of the gutter) to write a post like this. Thanks for the mechila. It’s mutual. Shana tova.
sunflower seeds
This is probably one of your best posts yet. Good job, Heshy.
Great Post…in all of the 7 years of living in the enlightened yishuv of Emanuel in Israel (home of the afflicted Slonim Hasidism and the anti go kart rabbi). No one has ever asked me for forgiveness…not because they did not do me harm……because I am jus a friar American and in Israel it is OK to mess around,cheat, harrass, etc American and other Olim. So in their so called minds…its OK. This year, I am sitting Rosh Hashanah out…because I know that not much will change and that more than likely the people who pray and beat their breasts are just doing it for the sake of doing it. G-d of course is not fooled by this…but they do not care.
Yaakov, I feel your pain. As a child, I lived in a chassidic enclave in Brooklyn, eer hakoesh. I was treated like garbage by my teachers, classmates,etc. because my family was not chassidic. I remained frum in spite of their treatment. My late mother used to say the more the person appears to be frum on the outside the less frum they were in the inside. Be better than them. Don’t stoop down to their level. Go out and ride a go cart.
Shana Tova to you and your family.
Yaakov,
Who are you punishing by sitting out?
Heshy,
Another thing you need to ask mechilah for. Influencing this dude to skip his chance to request life for the coming year.
Great post. I will keep you in my tiffilot . I have coveted other blogs. We all are human. Shana Tova.
5 stars. I forgive you , but write more about frum parties.
aw, thanks; you know I’ve got nothing but love for you.
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