Rabbis discover that there are bugs everywhere

After a Reditt user uploaded photos containing microscopic bugs found in New York City’s water supply, Rabbi around the country gathered around high powered microscopes and came to the shocking discovery that there are bugs everywhere, word in the shtetl has it that they have been debating what to do about breathing.

According to sources inside the orthodox Rabbinate, banning air is simply not possible. For example, when they tried to to ban the impossible, things like TV and Internet, it backfired, people merely ignored the ban or tried to hide their illegal internet and TV usage. It seems that air may be similar, some sources say that Jews may soon have more in common with the Chinese besides for supporting their restaurants on Christmas – many people believe that the Rabbi may require masks that filter out these microscopic bugs so people don’t transgress sins as they go about thie rdaily activities.

According to the Torah, eating a bug is on the same level as cheating on your taxes and screwing a horse – no wonder why the Rabbis are up in arms. But the dilemma is great, how will people breathe? We have heard that breathing has been a chukas hagoyim theological debate for years – with certian rabbis wondering if Jews should breathe differently than the goyim. It is customary to make believe that the Jews invented certian things like music and foods so they don’t transgress the sin of doing things like everyone else.

Basically the bible commands that Jews be the best anti-conformists there are, I just hope the Rabbis don’t go hipster on us while trying to figure out a way to ignore the fact that there are bugs everywhere.

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • zalmie

    i would advise against sleeping. it’s bitul torah and spiders might climb in your mouth.

    • Yankel

      Actually, it’s a snapple fact that the average person eats 8 spiders in his/her lifetime while sleeping.

      • http://yeahthatskosher.com Dani

        So do we have to make a boray nefashos when we wake up?

        • MS

          an average man’s life is 70 years. divide that by 8 and that gives you 8.75 so I would say every eight and three quarters birthday of a person, wake up and make one.

          • http://yeahthatskosher.com Dani

            I’m just glad we have digital calendars nowadays to help us keep track of this.

            • MS

              u seem like an erlicher yid that cares about making the proper brochos at the proper time. i’m not worried that you will get mixed up when to make it.

      • FrumGer

        no way to test that so im 100% sure that stat is arbitrary and made up

        • g.

          87.3% of statistics are made up on the spot

    • A. Nuran

      And you might have untznius dreams.

      • Yankel

        LOL!
        R’ Nuran, please don’t forget, tzniyus dreams are also a problem if they consist of tzniyus women.

        • A. Nuran

          Then castration at an early age is the only hope.

          • Anonymous

            That still wont help the thoughts…
            I think death is our only hope.

      • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

        Good thing it was a miracle that the kohen gadol never had wet dreams the night before he had to do his business.

    • Anonymous

      i know that this is satire and i did chuckle a bit to myself but i would just like to point out the actual halacha so no one should walk away confused.
      the only time a bug is not allowed to be eaten is if it has the ability to be seen with the naked eye. on the other hand if the bug can only be seen through a microscope, than in so far as halacha is concerned there is no problem with it.
      bugs in strawberries for example are readily visible to the eye once the bugs are separated from the strawberry. the bugs in and of themselves are visible to the naked eye.
      bugs that are microscopic dont have the halachic definition of bugs since they dont meet the criteria halacha requires them to (namely of being visible to the eye without the aid of a microscope), hence they are allowed to be ingested.

  • Yankel

    Very funny…
    Hesh, I’ve told you once and I’ll tell you again, you are officially nuts.

    Realistically speaking, bugs are only forbidden to be ingested when they are big enough to be seen by the naked eye.

  • Mitch45

    I’m still waiting for an answer as to how Yaakov Avinu was allowed to kiss Rochel Imainu right after meeting her, while touching a girl today can put you in cherem forever.

    • http://yeahthatskosher.com Dani

      Back then, Kissing was nisuin.

    • Yankel

      She was 2 for heavens sake!!!

      • G*3

        Firstly, that’s only one midrashic interpretation. There are others. Secondly, depending on how he kissed her, that she was two may make it worse.

        • Yankel

          “depending on how he kissed her”
          R’ G*3, we’re not talking about a random guy with a rabbinic position here. This was Yaakov Avinu.
          Even if you want to maintain the perspective you do about us frummies, it might be a little offensive to some of us, but in all honesty who cares. We can argue with you, but we can’t condemn you (well, for most of your opinions anyway :) )
          But seriously, even cynics should have their limits.

          • G*3

            > Even if you want to maintain the perspective you do about us frummies

            I’m curious, what perspective do you think that is? I make an effort not to disparage people (such as by calling them frummies), only unfounded and weakly supported claims.

            > But seriously, even cynics should have their limits.

            Really? Why, and set by whom? And would you extend that privilege to the revered figures of other religions?

            • Yankel

              “Really? Why, and set by whom?And would you extend that privilege to the revered figures of other religions?”

              I’ll admit you make a good point here.
              I am assuming that you are Jewish, and therefore recognize at least a few very basic concepts that many of your ancestors have died to believe.
              If you really don’t then please disregard what I said.

              • MS

                guys let’s all get something clear: Yankel i do agree with the whole limit thing. But at the end of the day we are all bloggers of a site that has stretches it’s limits and sometimes a bit too far.
                And we enjoy it, otherwise we wouldn’t even be following up on every new blog posted by our man Hesh.
                (you do comment on almost every blog)

              • G*3

                > I am assuming that you are Jewish, and therefore recognize at least a few very basic concepts

                Which concepts would those be, and how are they linked to being Jewish?

                > that many of your ancestors have died to believe.

                Emotional appeal and sunk-cost fallacy.

                There were plenty of Christian martyrs too. That someone was willing to die for what they believed proves only the strength of their belief and its importance to him.

                • Yankel

                  “Which concepts would those be, and how are they linked to being Jewish?”

                  Orthodox, Mod-ox, secular, mizrahi, Satmar, conservative, whatever your place is, I would have liked to think that G-d and the patriarchs are safe grounds for all of us to share.

                  “Emotional appeal and sunk-cost fallacy.
                  There were plenty of Christian martyrs too.”

                  How can you dare to compare the two?! It’s one thing to disagree about the details of a tradition, it’s another to completely ignore 2000 years of history! You really have some nerve!
                  Seriously, forget I said anything. I see I jumped to conclusions with my assumptions.

                  • G*3

                    > Orthodox, Mod-ox, secular, mizrahi, Satmar, conservative, whatever your place is, I would have liked to think that G-d and the patriarchs are safe grounds for all of us to share.

                    Centrist MO Orthoprax. Culturally, sure, these are things we all share. As inviolate reverential figures, not so much.

                    > How can you dare to compare the two?! It’s one thing to disagree about the details of a tradition, it’s another to completely ignore 2000 years of history!

                    I’m not allowed to compare Christian and Jewish martyr’s levels of sincerity because the Christians did horrible things to the Jews in the name of their religion? This is an emotional appeal and one has nothing to do with the other, but all right. There have been martyrs for every religion. Pick one that doesn’t offend your sensibilities. The point still stands. Someone’s willingness to die for his beliefs proves nothing beyond the sincerity of his belief.

                    • Yankel

                      You totally missed my point.
                      I didn’t say that the christian martyrs weren’t sincere.
                      I am appalled at the way you can compare a nation which has endured 2000 years of repeated persecution and torture, to a religion which has had a few incidents where some of their members got tortured and killed.
                      The way your mentality has developed is nothing other than the 60+ years we have experienced since the last genocide. I think a pogrom or two would change the way you think considerably.
                      I told you, we are obviously not on the same page, this discussion is pointless. I take back my original assumption.

                    • G*3

                      > I am appalled at the way you can compare a nation which has endured 2000 years of repeated persecution and torture, to a religion which has had a few incidents where some of their members got tortured and killed.

                      Wait, so Judaism is right because we got persecuted more?

                      > I think a pogrom or two would change the way you think considerably.

                      How, exactly? What would the logic be? That guy is trying to kill me, therefore Judaism is truth?

                      > I told you, we are obviously not on the same page, this discussion is pointless.

                      Not at all. While we’re clearly operating from different premises, that’s what always makes for interesting discussions. What’s the point of only talking to people who already agree with you?

                    • Anonymous

                      “Wait, so Judaism is right because we got persecuted more?”

                      You keep completely missing my point. I wasn’t trying to prove that Judaism is correct. You seem to think that the whole world is out to convince you it’s validity. Judaism doen’t need your approval, and not everything is meant to be a debate.
                      All because a few well-meaning yet ignorant Jews out there have attempted to “get you back on the D” through debating with you, it doesn’t mean anything that anyone says is an attempt to convince you of anything. (ignorant because they don’t realize that even in the event that you would be presented with a completely logical and sound argument, you still wouldn’t change)

                      I was using our persecution as a reference to certain concepts which I mistakely assumed we shared the same opinion about.
                      Emotional ploy? No, not really meant to be one, just making a point of the importance so many generations attributed to them. But if they do in fact pull your strings, then perhaps you shouldn’t jump to conclusions over why that is. People can be pleasantly surprised when realizing the real reasons they feel certain ways about different things.

                      “Not at all. While we’re clearly operating from different premises, that’s what always makes for interesting discussions. What’s the point of only talking to people who already agree with you”

                      It’s pointless because it’s all based on my original mistaken assumption of what you believed.

                      “How, exactly? What would the logic be? That guy is trying to kill me, therefore Judaism is truth?”
                      Like I said, nothing to do with proving anything. Your ability to state that Jews and Christians are all in the same boat because “hey, we’ve all be persecuted” stems from your complete disconnect to how a Jew was treated for the vast majority of our exile.

                    • anon

                      By the way, Christianity also has had lots of martyrs (probably more than Jews simply because there are more Christians than Jews) for the last 2000 years. There were 45 million Christian martyrs in the 20th century (yes, you can look this figure up if you doubt it). Clearly someone’s willingness to die for their beliefs does not prove it’s true (just look at today’s Muslim “martyrs”), but do not discount Christian martyrdom as meaningless because of the tragic history of Christians martyring Jews. Terrible- yes, but most of the Christians killing Jews were not the same Christians dying for their own faith.

      • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

        So he was rockin it Kolko style

        • Yankel

          Yeah Hesh, with you it seems all roads lead to Kolko.
          While we’re on the subject, there are two new feldheim books I think you’d like to check out.
          “Touched by a Rebbe” and “Under the Maggids Table”.
          Both authors are of course anonymous, to protect the innocent.

          Proud to be a frummy! :)

          • http://www.frumsatire.net Heshy Fried

            Ooh I should a satire on the molestation memoirs

      • Mitch45

        If she was two, what the heck was she doing at the well? Was she supposed to draw water? My youngest daughter is 2 and if I gave her a bucket and told her to get me some water, she’d just look at me, giggle, put the bucket on her head and start running around. No two year old knows how to draw water.

        This may be controversial, but I think the whole negiyah thing is a lot of baloney. There is nothing, nothing in the chumash that says that men and women cannot touch prior to marriage except for when she is a niddah. I think that this negiyah thing causes more pain and dysfunction than anything else.

  • http://yeahthatskosher.com Dani

    If shomer negiah rules apply to 2 year olds … i quit. game over. new religion.

    • G*3

      According to many people, they apply to three year olds.

  • Phil

    Brilliant idea… Gas masks that are OU certified anyone?

  • http://www.drewmazanec.com Drew Mazanec

    “Hear the word of HASHEM you chieftains of Sodom; give ear to our God’s instruction, you fold of Gomorrah! ‘What need have I of all your sacrifices?’ says HASHEM. ‘I am sated with burnt offerings of rams and suet of fatlings, and blood of bulls, and I have no delight in the lambs and he-goats. That you come to appear before me – who asked that of you?

    “Trample my courts no more; bringing oblations is futile, insence is offensive to me. New moon and sabbath proclaiming of solemnities, assemblies with iniquity, I cannot abide. Your new moons and fixed seasons fill me with loathing; they are become a burden to me, I cannot endure them. And when you life up your hands, I will turn my eyes away from you; though you pray at length, I will not listen. Your hands are stained with crime.

    “Wash yourselves clean; put your evil doings away from my sight. Cease to do evil; learn to do good. Devote yourselves to justice; aid the wronged. Uphold the rights of the orphan; defend the cause of the widow.”

    Isaiah 1:10-17 (JPS translation)

    If the Rabbis really think that accidentally swallowing bugs and cheating on your taxes are on the same level. If you read through the neviim, letting the text speak for itself, it’s pretty clear that God wants justice and righteousness first and foremost. Mitzvahs come after that.

    • Yankel

      “If you read through the neviim, letting the text speak for itself, it’s pretty clear that God wants justice and righteousness first and foremost. Mitzvahs come after that.”

      Uh, actually that is your own obviously biased interpretation. You sound like the “Jew-at-heart” type. Or shall we say “Do whatever the hell you want while still feeling like an upstanding righteous Jew” type.
      What it is saying is that all the Mitzvos must be done TOGETHER with honesty and righteousness. In fact to demonstrate that your interpretation is incorrect, if one is presented with a situation where he must either cheat on his taxes or eat a bug, it is unanimously agreed upon that he is obligated to violate the “dina d’malchusa dina” and cheat on his taxes.

      • http://www.drewmazanec.com Drew Mazanec

        Thank you for the information, although I doubt the kiruv people are very eager to share this with potential BTs.

        “Did you know that we believe it’s better to check your lettuce for bugs while lying to, cheating, and stealing from your own government than vice versa”

        • john

          again, why is it one or the other?

          • Hannaz

            it is not one or the other the answer is both. it is with the same fervor and vehemency one uses to spot a minuscule micro organism on a piece of lettuce that one must use to be sure he has scrupulous tax returns. for both procedures one could use a ‘kosher’ bug light and magnifying glass.

            • John

              Correct, and every Orthoodx Jew would agree with you. (In practice though the desire to cheat on taxes is stronger than that to eat bugs)

        • Yankel

          Just like all other concepts which are difficult to accept while still unfamiliar with the mindset of the Torah Jew.
          This is actually one of the more tame ones. If I thought you would treat the information respectfully, I could educate you with a lot more juicy stuff.

      • FrumGer

        Jew at heart’s are the worst..

    • john

      Great point Yankel.
      I never understand these people who say stuff like “it’s pretty clear that God wants justice and righteousness first and foremost. Mitzvahs come after that.” First of all maybe they are equal and we must be careful about everything bug eating and cheating on taxes why do people make them mutually exclusive?
      Additionaly they are not equal as Yankel correctly pointed out eating a bug involves multiple prohibitions, and it would be better to cheat on taxes than eat a bug, though both are forbidden

      • http://www.drewmazanec.com Drew Mazanec

        I never claimed that righteous actions excuse anyone from performing mitzvahs. Also, I specifically stated that if you let the text speak for itself you will get that interpretation.

    • Mitch45

      Thank you very much. My thoughts exactly. Hashem is much less concerned about rituals and much more concerned about us being righteous and honest and correct. That’s why I destest these allegedly frum Jews who shuckel and learn a thousand miles a minute and give money to tzedaka but have no problem defrauding the government and making huge chulilei Hashem.

  • monkey

    If you look up the meforshim on that parsha you”ll see that there are many reasons why it was permitted such as (1 relative (2 on the hand (3 it wasent out of love (4 yaakov was a holy person and for him there wasent anu issue of having in mind any improper thoughts and finally IT WAS BEFORE MATAN TORAH FOR HEVENS SAKE which is also why he married two sisters

    • G*3

      > (1 relative
      Only works for siblings and parents (and some hold brothers and sister’s shouldn’t touch). Not for cousins.

      > (2 on the hand

      Touching anywhere is a violation of negiah. Besides, the pasuk doesn’t say that Yaakov kissed her on the hand.

      > (3 it wasent out of love

      So what? Kissing strangers is okay because there’s no love?

      > (4 yaakov was a holy person and for him there wasent anu issue of having in mind any improper thoughts

      Of course! Unfortunately, Yaakov’s holiness is mostly an informed ability backed up by God talking to him. But then, God spoke to Bilaam too. I tend to judge people based on their actions. Yaakov lied to his father, cheated his brother, and kissed a strange girl. These things speak for themselves.

      > and finally IT WAS BEFORE MATAN TORAH FOR HEVENS SAKE

      But don’t you know that the medrash says that the avos followed kol hatorah kulo, including the dirabbanans?

      • Phil

        G*3,

        Nice way to twist the story. Ever think of writing your own commentary on Tanach?

        • G*3

          Why, would you buy a copy? :)

          • Phil

            G*3,

            I wouldn’t buy a copy, but then again, Rashi didn’t write his commentary based on how many copies he could sell either.
            (Not trying to compare you to Rashi). He wrote the commentary anonymously to help misguided people along with their Tanach and Talmudic studies.

        • Mitch45

          Phil,

          How did G*3 twist the story? Each of his responses was perfectly valid.

          • Phil

            Mitch45,

            He twisted the story according the the classic commentaries such as Rashi.

            G*3’s responses are perfectly valid if you take the written Torah at face value, learning it on the level of a kindergaden child.

            If you write off the oral Torah and mesorah which is basically what makes up Judaism, then G*3’s responses make sense.

            Note how he uses chazal’s arguments when they suit him, and disgregards them when it doesn’t. If that isn’t twisting things, I don’t know what is.

    • Anonymous

      kissing in the torah always means mouth to mouth. Also the torah prohibition is not to sleep with a nidah, or an aishes ish (another man’s wife). Not touching is rabbinical.

      • Mitch45

        Exactly. And in my opinion, this particular rabbinical chumra is unnatural and unhealthy.

  • monkey

    Reply to g*3 once again I urge you to check out the meforshim first then comment. I will start first with your claim that yakov was a liar etc. Why do you think you are great enough to argue with rashi, ramban etc. Who call yakov “mivchar shabavos”- the best of the avos? (2 it dosent matter where you kiss. there is a machlokes about that (3 they kept all mitzvos. Then why did yakov marry two sisters? The answer again according to meforshim is they only kept the torah in israel.

    • G*3

      > Why do you think you are great enough to argue with rashi, ramban etc. Who call yakov “mivchar shabavos”- the best of the avos?

      Best is relative, no? If Yaakov was the best, what does that say about Avraham and Yitzchak? :)

      Anyway, are they talking about greatness in relation to character or in relation to something else? Yaakov is considered “best” because all of his sons were tzaddikim (which we know they must have been because, after all, they were the shevatim!) while Avraham had Yishmael and Yitzchak had Eisav.

      As a side note, while I respect Rashi and Ramban’s scholarship, I don’t hold them in awe as infallible. They had an approach filtered through a metaphysical understanding of the world which I don’t share.

      > (2 it dosent matter where you kiss. there is a machlokes about that

      Fair enough. But the pasuk doesn’t say Yaakov kissed her on the hand. Kiss usually means on the mouth – even when talking about two men kissing, as when Lavan greets Yaakov with a kiss.

      > 3 they kept all mitzvos. Then why did yakov marry two sisters? The answer again according to meforshim is they only kept the torah in israel.

      The last line was meant tounge-in-cheek. Of course the avos didn’t keep the torah.

      • monkey

        You got it wrong yakov was the mivchar shbavos and THEREFORE only he was able to have the shvotim. I will try not to be to technical but according to kabbalah avrohom was chesed but since he was born to a idol loving father he still had some of the tumah in him which resulted in yishmuel and is known as psoles sh’bchesed. Yitzchok who was gevurah although great still had some of th tumah wichh resulted in eisuv known as psoles sh’bigvurah yakov on the other hand was tiferres which is a above chesed and gvurah and he was completely tohor and was therfore able to have the shvotim

  • monkey

    According to rabeiu bechaya and the ramban (1rachel was a “ktanah” so she couldent have relations yet therefore he was allowed to kiss her (2 since the posuk doesnt say “on the mouth” therefore it means elswhere. The midrash says all kisses are disgusting except three ……rav tanchuma ads also a kiss of relitives as the possuk says ” yakkov kissed rochel” because she was his relitive

  • Michael

    I go off the derech and keep coming back on, its called teshuvah ;)

  • the new face of frumkeit

    this is such a retarded thread! you people sound like the frummies on ywn!!! Shomer negiah is a rabbinic gezeirah and has no basis in torah. Stop being so extra-frum, start being more rational i.e. mo-dox

    • Anonymous

      The new face of frumkeit indeed.
      Just one question, what made you decide to use “frumkeit” to name your ideology?
      There was a group which actually already preached what you’re saying, so you’re not THAT new. They were called the Sadducees. The word “Rabbinic” meant nothing to them.
      Oh, and maybe you are simply unaware of what Mod-Ox actually believes, because what your describing is far closer to conservative. Now that’s fine, you’re in good company with guys like Zalman Schachter and lesbian Rabbis. I just think you should own up to a group you’re really a part of.

      • Batsheva

        What you guys all seem to be missing about G*3 is that he is not Orthodox, he is Orthoprax, of the Modern Orthodox variety. Which means he practices like a Modern Orthodox, but does not believe like a Modern Orthodox. He follows the practice because it is the practice of the community where he is comfortable, and he wants to remain a comfortable member of that community. In order to do so, he needs to follow their practice. They don’t have to know that he doesn’t believe in it. Did I get that right, G*3?

  • the new face of frumkeit

    @anonymous: My point is that the whole shomer negiah thing seems to be totally hyped up and done just to feel good about yourself or something. Also, I think its blantantly sexist. by the way, your really ignorant if you think conservative rabbis are lesbian and Im also not conservative. zalman schachter started a movement called renewal judaism. get your facts right before opening your fat mouth. Its just that its really suprising on this site to see the level of “frumness” on a site with satire as part of the name, I would have thought people would be less uptight