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Yo momma is so frum

This might be the making of another series, but let’s start with just one. Some of these were taken off of my facebook status. No matter which way you cut it, these will be corny, but it’s fun and I am sure you all can come up with some really good ones.

Yo Momma is so Frum that…

She washes her hair with a tichel on

She won’t go into yichud with her own children

She visits the mikvah when she cuts herself and it bleeds

She blindfolded her sons when she nursed them

She kashered her hair when the Indian hair controversy went down

She tried to set you up on a shidduch when you were still in the womb

No one’s ever seen her

She has sex blindfolded

She adopted kids because being pregnant would imply she had sex at some point

She uses a piece of plywood with a hole in it, instead of a sheet

She doesn’t eat any fowl (chicken, turkey, duck) because of machlokes

She checks references for play-dates

She doesn’t let her husband use automated services because they are all ladies voices

She doesn’t leave the house during the 3 weeks because she may come to listen to music

She lives in a separate house during niddah

She only wears shabbos robes with shoulder pads

She has no friends because having friends means she may tell loshon horah

She says asher yatzar every time she farts

She has a milchig and fleishig douche

She wears rabeinu tam underwear

She is careful never to eat a food that resembles a male private part (bananas, popsicles, corn on the cob etc…)

She wears those sunglasses that blind people wear, claiming that only her husband is allowed to see her eyes

She doesn’t use the shabbos lamp because it takes away from the spirit of shabbos

She doesn’t go on the internet because blogs like this are a chillul hashem

Now you tell me why Yo Momma is so Frum?

{ 84 comments… add one }
  • Anonymous July 8, 2010, 8:19 AM

    This made me laugh so
    much !

  • Sergeant J July 8, 2010, 9:51 AM


  • The Law July 8, 2010, 10:09 AM

    Yo Mamma’s So Frum…

    her gefilte fish needs shchita;

    her stockings are actually bullet proof;

    she doesnt eat at your house because she doesnt trust the hashgucha;

    she wont use water on pesach since someone may have thrown breadcrumbs in the local lake;

    everything she makes has shmaltz in it, even chocolate cake;

    she wont use salt since it reminds her of Lot’s wife;

    she wont sit at the head of the table since it just sounds bad;

    she will never see or hear of this post since she dosent use the internet, and wont ever so much as look at someone who does;

    she thinks the amish are to modernish;

    she refuses to buy a car without wood paneling;

  • Mahla July 8, 2010, 10:42 AM

    Oh my goodness, these are just too hilarious. :^)

  • tesyaa July 8, 2010, 11:00 AM

    This would be funny if there weren’t people like this. As it is, there are, and it’s a rapidly spreading mental illness.

    • Sergeant J July 8, 2010, 11:09 AM

      Humour from stupidity borderlining on evil is still humour..

    • Anonymous July 14, 2010, 9:49 AM

      > This would be funny if there werent people like this
      Like what? which of the examples have you heard of people doing?
      hatred of frum people is a much worse spreading mental illness

  • yankel July 8, 2010, 11:52 AM

    true. very true, humor is humor no matter how you come by it. @Seargant J, are you british

    • Dovybear July 8, 2010, 12:48 PM

      No, he’s English… ;-p

    • Sergeant J July 8, 2010, 7:13 PM

      Nah, just work there.

  • yankel July 8, 2010, 5:03 PM

    wait a second, dovybear, tesyaa, these names are also on dov bears blog while I all the while have been hiding under alternate aliases…. btw I think frumsatire (heshy fried in case you dont know) and dov bear (I dont know his last name) should start an alternative co-done blog. By the way dovy bear or shall I say *Dov*(y) Bear… british is an acceptable term.


  • Debbie Far Rockaway July 8, 2010, 11:00 PM

    Yo mama is so frum:

    She wears a gas mask on pesach to avoid the chometz in the air;

    She never eats fresh fruits or vegetables because she can’t possibly find all the tolaim;

    She’s thin as a rail because she trusts no one’s kashrus, not even her own;

    She only speaks in biblical Hebrew because any other language is nivul peh;

    She home schools her children because none of the yeshivas have the “right” hashkafah;

    • Chuckie D July 8, 2010, 11:14 PM

      Debbie given Hesh a run. Good job

  • waiting July 8, 2010, 11:19 PM

    toooooooooooooo funny

  • Leeba July 9, 2010, 4:13 AM

    LOL @The Law – “she wont use water on pesach since someone may have thrown breadcrumbs in the local lake”

    and @Debbie Far Rockaway – “She wears a gas mask on pesach to avoid the chometz in the air”

  • If the premise... July 9, 2010, 6:28 AM

    If the premise here is the make humor of the ridiculous and absurd direction Yiddishe Mamma’s are going; then you could have stopped with hole in the sheet, no need to make it worse with ply wood…this is already an absurd fabrication.

    • Heshy Fried July 11, 2010, 3:24 AM

      Everyone I know has sex through holes in the sheet, but they are all very frum so I never get to see the sheets.

      • Leeba July 11, 2010, 3:47 AM

        Do they really have a hole in the sheets? How sad.

        • Sarah July 11, 2010, 5:02 AM

          No some dumb tour guide in Meah Shearim started that idea when trying to explain the tzitzit on the wash lines.

          • Leeba July 11, 2010, 5:22 AM

            I always wondered where that came from. It always makes me sad to hear it. Thanks, Sarah

        • kivi schwartz July 11, 2010, 11:46 AM

          they dont

          • the other shim July 11, 2010, 11:29 PM

            Actually I don’t think the hole in the sheet is real but Gerrer chassidim have some f&^ed up minhagim for s*x. They’re not allowed to ever kiss and can only do it on mikva night. After a baby they can’t do it for six months. The Steipler wrote some sort of iggeres against this sort of thing. Yes, I didn’t believe it either but I googled enough and it’s true.

            • Leeba July 12, 2010, 1:50 AM

              I just spent some time reading up on this. Mostly, I read from rabbinical sources. These seemed a bit more moderate. I also read an article “Envisioning a Healthy Jewish Sex Ethic” by Maharat Sara Hurwitz. Again, this was more moderate.

              What I read on some of the Ger official sites saddened me. I also read a few blogs and again, it made me so sad.

              We are ‘spriritual’ beings but also physical ones. I agree that married partners should be passionate with one another when not prevented by the law of niddah.

              How sad. :'(

              • the other shim July 12, 2010, 6:14 AM

                How on earth is Ger’s approach consistent with Torah at all???

              • Mahla July 12, 2010, 8:50 AM

                Leeba, where did you find the Ger official site? The only place I have been able to find information on the whole Ger intimacy restrictions deal (in English) has been from the Failed Messiah site!

                • the other shim July 12, 2010, 11:25 PM

                  Try calm kallahs:) It’s discussed there too.

  • Dr. E July 9, 2010, 9:51 AM

    Yo Mommas so frum:

    On Yom Kippur, she attends a neighborhood Amen Party instead of going to shul for Kol Nidre

    She double-covers her hair when she goes to the Mikvah

    She has all her gotchkas checked for Shatnez.

    She shushes the Mesader Kiddushin at a Chuppa when he disturbs her kavana, as she says her Tehillim

    I cant understand how she ever dated, got married, and had kids

    She Photoshops snoods onto all of her pre-married photos in her home, as well as those posted on her Facebook page

    She really believes that her off-the-derech husband has a nightly chavrusa at the local Lakewood Kollel instead of being the fixture at the pool hall that he is

    She instists that all of her kids’ doll houses have white tablecloths for Shabbos

    • tesyaa July 9, 2010, 10:36 AM

      She really believes that her off-the-derech husband has a nightly chavrusa at the local Lakewood Kollel instead of being the fixture at the pool hall that he is

      She instists that all of her kids doll houses have white tablecloths for Shabbos

      Made me LOL

  • Raquel July 9, 2010, 2:01 PM

    i dont think i ever laughed so hard! Thanks!!

  • FrumGer July 9, 2010, 3:15 PM

    Yo momma is so Frum no one has ever seen her……


  • Leeba July 10, 2010, 2:14 AM

    Yo mama is so Frum she has your Tatti check your date to MAKE SURE he is really Jewish.

  • ben July 11, 2010, 12:03 AM

    only says asher yaztar if she makes a milo lugmav

    • Zvi July 12, 2010, 2:16 PM

      This one is pure gold

  • Michaltastik July 11, 2010, 12:11 AM

    I like the one where someone said she burns her hair after eating Indian food.

    That one about washing her own hair with a tichel on, a genius musta come up with that one. 🙂

  • Adam July 11, 2010, 2:39 AM

    Re “British”; no, no, no – only Americans call us British; as in “Gee, you’re British, that’s soooo awesome!”. No, my dear, I’m English and it is merely rather good.
    Toodle pip, old bean, there’s a good chap.

    • Leeba July 11, 2010, 3:53 AM

      And I’d call you a pom but then you would know where I lived. 😉

      • Adam July 11, 2010, 4:09 AM

        Fair dinkum, Leeba. Carna Demons!! Aussie rules rules!
        p.s. we’re gonna keep the Ashes…… 🙂

        • Leeba July 11, 2010, 5:53 AM

          They should let us keep them all year and have to win them back off us, don’t you think?

    • sergeant J July 11, 2010, 4:05 AM

      All English are Brits, but not V/V…

  • kivi schwartz July 11, 2010, 11:44 AM

    your mama is so frum…..

    -she thinks zionists are heretics
    -she won’t receive mail out of fear that there may be a pritzut magazine.
    -her idea of fun is saying a perek of tehillim
    -that when she cooks for shabbat, her food is more expensive than her house.
    – that when she makes chulent, it is only beans, out of fear of borer.
    -won’t eat sesame seeds out of fear of borer
    -that all her children know all six sedarim of mishna by heart, but can’t tell you what 2+2 is.

    • A. Nuran July 11, 2010, 12:33 PM

      That accurately describes an awful lot of Black Hats.

  • yankel July 11, 2010, 1:33 PM

    haha @kivi shwartz, those are really funny but sadly true in a lot of homes these days. It was a nightmare learning in mir where 500 guys stopped learning math in 3rd grade…

  • Trina July 11, 2010, 7:30 PM

    OMG this made me lol!! I’m totally sending it to all my friends.

  • Leeba July 11, 2010, 7:36 PM

    Yo mamas so frum she won’t have sex on Shabbos as she might work up a sweat.

    • Esther July 12, 2010, 11:37 AM

      ROFL! 🙂

  • Zvi in montreal July 12, 2010, 2:36 PM

    She lets loose on Purim by putting a hair band over her tichel.

    She gave all her boys a bris lifnim meshuras hadin.

    She had her knees and elbows removed via surgery.

    When she goes around the house, she goes SHE GOES AROUND THE HOUSE searching for chametz

    She won’t even eat bodek lettuce.

    She won’t touch pictures that have a male family member in them.

    She won’t simi lullabys to her baby boys at night.

    She swings 12 chickens over her head every kaporos in case she is pregnant with sextuplets.

    When your sister told her she was having an affair she asked who’s catering (rip off from a joke).

    She makes all the kids say al chet before going to sleep

    • Leeba July 12, 2010, 9:35 PM

      too funny!!!!!!!!!!

  • Sergeant_j July 14, 2010, 2:35 PM

    Dislike of extremism is healthy, as long as it is ALL extremism.

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