This might be the making of another series, but let’s start with just one. Some of these were taken off of my facebook status. No matter which way you cut it, these will be corny, but it’s fun and I am sure you all can come up with some really good ones.
Yo Momma is so Frum that…
She washes her hair with a tichel on
She won’t go into yichud with her own children
She visits the mikvah when she cuts herself and it bleeds
She blindfolded her sons when she nursed them
She kashered her hair when the Indian hair controversy went down
She tried to set you up on a shidduch when you were still in the womb
No one’s ever seen her
She has sex blindfolded
She adopted kids because being pregnant would imply she had sex at some point
She uses a piece of plywood with a hole in it, instead of a sheet
She doesn’t eat any fowl (chicken, turkey, duck) because of machlokes
She checks references for play-dates
She doesn’t let her husband use automated services because they are all ladies voices
She doesn’t leave the house during the 3 weeks because she may come to listen to music
She lives in a separate house during niddah
She only wears shabbos robes with shoulder pads
She has no friends because having friends means she may tell loshon horah
She says asher yatzar every time she farts
She has a milchig and fleishig douche
She wears rabeinu tam underwear
She is careful never to eat a food that resembles a male private part (bananas, popsicles, corn on the cob etc…)
She wears those sunglasses that blind people wear, claiming that only her husband is allowed to see her eyes
She doesn’t use the shabbos lamp because it takes away from the spirit of shabbos
She doesn’t go on the internet because blogs like this are a chillul hashem
Now you tell me why Yo Momma is so Frum?
{ 48 comments… read them below or add one }
This made me laugh so
much !
Funny!
Yo Mamma’s So Frum…
her gefilte fish needs shchita;
her stockings are actually bullet proof;
she doesnt eat at your house because she doesnt trust the hashgucha;
she wont use water on pesach since someone may have thrown breadcrumbs in the local lake;
everything she makes has shmaltz in it, even chocolate cake;
she wont use salt since it reminds her of Lot’s wife;
she wont sit at the head of the table since it just sounds bad;
she will never see or hear of this post since she dosent use the internet, and wont ever so much as look at someone who does;
she thinks the amish are to modernish;
she refuses to buy a car without wood paneling;
Oh my goodness, these are just too hilarious. :^)
This would be funny if there weren’t people like this. As it is, there are, and it’s a rapidly spreading mental illness.
Humour from stupidity borderlining on evil is still humour..
> This would be funny if there weren’t people like this
Like what? which of the examples have you heard of people doing?
hatred of frum people is a much worse spreading mental illness
true. very true, humor is humor no matter how you come by it. @Seargant J, are you british
No, he’s English… ;-p
Nah, just work there.
wait a second, dovybear, tesyaa, these names are also on dov bears blog while I all the while have been hiding under alternate aliases…. btw I think frumsatire (heshy fried in case you dont know) and dov bear (I dont know his last name) should start an alternative co-done blog. By the way dovy bear or shall I say *Dov*(y) Bear… british is an acceptable term.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/british
Yo mama is so frum:
She wears a gas mask on pesach to avoid the chometz in the air;
She never eats fresh fruits or vegetables because she can’t possibly find all the tolaim;
She’s thin as a rail because she trusts no one’s kashrus, not even her own;
She only speaks in biblical Hebrew because any other language is nivul peh;
She home schools her children because none of the yeshivas have the “right” hashkafah;
Debbie given Hesh a run. Good job
toooooooooooooo funny
LOL @The Law – “she wont use water on pesach since someone may have thrown breadcrumbs in the local lake”
and @Debbie Far Rockaway – “She wears a gas mask on pesach to avoid the chometz in the air”
Hesh,
If the premise here is the make humor of the ridiculous and absurd direction Yiddishe Mamma’s are going; then you could have stopped with hole in the sheet, no need to make it worse with ply wood…this is already an absurd fabrication.
Everyone I know has sex through holes in the sheet, but they are all very frum so I never get to see the sheets.
Do they really have a hole in the sheets? How sad.
No some dumb tour guide in Meah Shearim started that idea when trying to explain the tzitzit on the wash lines.
I always wondered where that came from. It always makes me sad to hear it. Thanks, Sarah
they dont
Actually I don’t think the hole in the sheet is real but Gerrer chassidim have some f&^ed up minhagim for s*x. They’re not allowed to ever kiss and can only do it on mikva night. After a baby they can’t do it for six months. The Steipler wrote some sort of iggeres against this sort of thing. Yes, I didn’t believe it either but I googled enough and it’s true.
I just spent some time reading up on this. Mostly, I read from rabbinical sources. These seemed a bit more moderate. I also read an article “Envisioning a Healthy Jewish Sex Ethic” by Mahara”t Sara Hurwitz. Again, this was more moderate.
What I read on some of the Ger official sites saddened me. I also read a few blogs and again, it made me so sad.
We are ‘spriritual’ beings but also physical ones. I agree that married partners should be passionate with one another when not prevented by the law of niddah.
How sad. :’(
How on earth is Ger’s approach consistent with Torah at all???
Leeba, where did you find the Ger official site? The only place I have been able to find information on the whole Ger intimacy restrictions deal (in English) has been from the Failed Messiah site!
Try calm kallahs:) It’s discussed there too.
Yo Momma’s so frum:
On Yom Kippur, she attends a neighborhood Amen Party instead of going to shul for Kol Nidre
She double-covers her hair when she goes to the Mikvah
She has all her gotchkas checked for Shatnez.
She shushes the Mesader Kiddushin at a Chuppa when he disturbs her kavana, as she says her Tehillim
I can’t understand how she ever dated, got married, and had kids
She Photoshops snoods onto all of her pre-married photos in her home, as well as those posted on her Facebook page
She really believes that her off-the-derech husband has a nightly chavrusa at the local Lakewood Kollel instead of being the fixture at the pool hall that he is
She instists that all of her kids’ doll houses have white tablecloths for Shabbos
She really believes that her off-the-derech husband has a nightly chavrusa at the local Lakewood Kollel instead of being the fixture at the pool hall that he is
She instists that all of her kids’ doll houses have white tablecloths for Shabbos
Made me LOL
i dont think i ever laughed so hard! Thanks!!
Yo momma is so Frum no one has ever seen her……
Hilarious
Yo mama is so Frum she has your Tatti check your date to MAKE SURE he is really Jewish.
only says asher yaztar if she makes a milo lugmav
This one is pure gold
I like the one where someone said she burns her hair after eating Indian food.
That one about washing her own hair with a tichel on, a genius musta come up with that one.
Re “British”; no, no, no – only Americans call us British; as in “Gee, you’re British, that’s soooo awesome!”. No, my dear, I’m English and it is merely rather good.
Toodle pip, old bean, there’s a good chap.
And I’d call you a pom but then you would know where I lived.
Fair dinkum, Leeba. Carna Demons!! Aussie rules rules!
p.s. we’re gonna keep the Ashes……
They should let us keep them all year and have to win them back off us, don’t you think?
All English are Brits, but not V/V…
your mama is so frum…..
-she thinks zionists are heretics
-she won’t receive mail out of fear that there may be a pritzut magazine.
-her idea of fun is saying a perek of tehillim
-that when she cooks for shabbat, her food is more expensive than her house.
- that when she makes chulent, it is only beans, out of fear of borer.
-won’t eat sesame seeds out of fear of borer
-that all her children know all six sedarim of mishna by heart, but can’t tell you what 2+2 is.
That accurately describes an awful lot of Black Hats.
haha @kivi shwartz, those are really funny but sadly true in a lot of homes these days. It was a nightmare learning in mir where 500 guys stopped learning math in 3rd grade…
OMG this made me lol!! I’m totally sending it to all my friends.
Yo mamas so frum she won’t have sex on Shabbos as she might work up a sweat.
ROFL!
She lets loose on Purim by putting a hair band over her tichel.
She gave all her boys a bris lifnim meshuras hadin.
She had her knees and elbows removed via surgery.
When she goes around the house, she goes SHE GOES AROUND THE HOUSE searching for chametz
She won’t even eat bodek lettuce.
She won’t touch pictures that have a male family member in them.
She won’t simi lullabys to her baby boys at night.
She swings 12 chickens over her head every kaporos in case she is pregnant with sextuplets.
When your sister told her she was having an affair she asked who’s catering (rip off from a joke).
She makes all the kids say al chet before going to sleep
too funny!!!!!!!!!!
Dislike of extremism is healthy, as long as it is ALL extremism.