In my life, the average wedding within my extended circle of family and friends appears to take place every six months. The age-old gripe about Orthodox weddings all being the same, with the same food, music, circle dancing, may be true, but is also provides an opportunity to meet people, reconnect with old friends, dance your butt off, and chap on some good food.
So imagine my surprise when Feigy (name changed) did not invite me to her wedding. I have known her for 7 years. Granted, we are not that close, but she invited people to her wedding whom she knew for only a year, including people who she wouldn’t even be friends with, were it not for my introducing them to each other.
At that point, one of my close friends said that I could still crash her wedding, enjoy the dancing and food anyway. So many of our shared friends would be there, that it would be impossible to tell that I was a trespasser. Feigy and I share the same friends. We’re in the same chevra, more or less.
I declined to attend on four counts. First of all, only beggars trespass into weddings, and I would post armed bouncers at my wedding before a beggar even thinks of crashing my simcha. Second of all, I did not want to create a Bar Kamtza situation. Third of all, I never attend a wedding without cutting a check to the couple. Weddings are expensive, and anyone who attends without bringing a gift ought to be publicly flogged. Fourth of all, I was not invited. Remember?
One of my friends countered that my presence at a wedding fulfills the mitzvah of mesameach chasan v’kallah. By that logic, I could be eating at Rose Castle every night, as long as I dress nicely, and do a funny dance to entertain a new couple. By that logic, I could start a second career as a badchan, entertaining couples in exchange for free meals. I would love to hear from other Frum Satire readers on whether it’s kosher to crash a frum wedding.
Besides, if economic times are tough, Feigy cannot accommodate 500 guests, and I failed to make her list, there is always sheva brachot for those who could not attend the wedding. But I wouldn’t hold my breath.
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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
RSVP to the groom in person and ask if there is anything special you could help with.
bochurim bring gifts? news to me.
“First of all, only beggars trespass into weddings, and I would post armed bouncers at my wedding before a beggar even thinks of crashing my simcha. Second of all, I did not want to create a Bar Kamtza situation.”
alil bit contradictory and ironic.
I crashed a wedding two weeks ago, loads of my friends and old class mates where going and I barely knew her, but it was a great chance to catch up with old friends and the bride didnt seem to care or notice,
I had a really good time you should try it
I think you made the right decision. I am not judging anyone who has crashed weddings, but I would not do it or recommend. I think you’re right, weddings are expensive and carefully planned out, from the max # of people a venue can accommodate, to the seating arrangements, and a crasher would throw everything off. If someone had crashed my wedding, I would not have been happy about that.
For me it may depend on the venue, whether it’s kosher to crash a wedding. When I lived in crown heights, I crashed weddings all the time. Easily 50% or more of the guys dancing in my section during my wedding (in CH) I did not recognize. I had people coming in in bicycles, fire juggling, enormous yechi flags (not that I support this), homeless people … great.
I think depending on how off the hook you expect the wedding to be, how crazy the dancing, should be your benchmark for deciding when to crash. Weddings where people are more self-conscious, and don’t even feel comfortable cutting loose on the classic “kosher” occasions (weddings, purim, simchas torah), you might feel awkward crashing.
Note, by the way, that by “crash” I don’t mean eating food that wasn’t set out for you. I mean attending, and dancing.
I’ve crashed more weddings then I’ve been invited to. I usually attend if there are a group of friends going or even family memebers to sit with. What is key to note is that at most frum chassanah’s, there are always empty seats. There are literally so many simchos (B”H) that everyone cannot make it to every single one, eventhough they might have sent back the card saying they will attend.
)
They key is to just find a spot and own it. No one will ask you for your invitation, only if you would like chicken or beef.
(I always ask for the fish
Auf Simchos
hells freakin no! if they didnt invite u then they dont want u to be there. if u do go, then just a disgusting person taking advantage of the orthodox community. i totally hear u on the bouncers. thats a brilliant idea
Uhm, that image you are using is from a wedding I shot. You might consider taking that down immediately, and appologize for using the image without approval.
No, instead should get him to link to ~your~ site and extol your virtues as a wedding photographer to his large Jewish readership. :^) I’m sure he meant no harm. :^)