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Stuff old Jewish people like

I didn’t write all of this, it was written by a trio of folks, and since I lost the email that asked whether they wanted to mentioned, I will mention them and I just hope they don’t get mad for being mentioned. I find that in this age of technology, most people aren’t very proud of the stuff they put online for one reason or another and actively want to keep their names in hiding, problem is that if anyone wants to pay a couple of hundred bucks they can find out everything about you anyways.

Written by Jonathan Schenker, Daniel Kalowitz and myself

Stuff old Jewish people like:

Whitefish

Schav

Borsht

Borsht Belt Memories

A good shvitz

Shpatzirs

hysterically inappropriate comments

Laining super slowly

Florida

Racism it was different back then

Walking around the JCC locker room naked

compulsive cleaning

Jewish geography

Kichel and herring

Schnapps – and telling people about all the folks they know that claim that daily drinking leads to a long life

Saying kenein a’harah

Tea and Coffee – they love to complain about shuls that don’t have a hot water urn

Chazanus

Plastic covered couches

Doctors- whether it’s constantly seeing them or their children/grandchildren becoming or marrying them

Yiddish

Grandchildren

Complaining about the weather

Complaining about their arthritis and that they can feel the rain coming

Complaining that they aren’t feeling well

Complaining to their grandkids that they don’t call often enough

Complaining about everything

Doctor visits

Untznius girls – you look like such a tramp, go put some clothing on

‘expensive’ phone calls from overseas

Phone conversations that last longer than 5 minutes

Being comically short

Having 3000 door locks

Making shidduchim between theirs and their friends grandchildren no matter how inappropriate the age difference or religious background

Dollar stores

Cheating at card games

Old people names Sol, Maury, Irv, Sal, Barb, Lou, Sue, Dick

Misplacing cheap items and thinking they were stolen

Being early to shul

Playing favorites

Force feeding you while simultaneously complaining about your weight

Jackie Mason- why?

Talking about their burial plots

Old people summer camps

dislike:

Small Cars

German Cars my father wont even buy German tools

Concentration camps

Being splashed in the pool

Modern technology

Spending money

Eyin hurahs

Other peoples grandchildren

Shvartzas – I was always told by all my older relatives to pull my pants up because I look like a shvartza

Shampoo that helps for dandruff

Traveling

Single grandchildren

The word “diabetes” – like we don’t know what “high blood sugar” means

Shiksas

Spicy food

Aren’t sure they like:

Sefardim- are they shvartzas? (I didn’t write this one, but it’s kind of funny how when I think of old folks I always feel like there aren’t any sephardic old folks, like everyone who’s over 65 and sephardic is a mekubal)

Great grand children

Anything they order at a restaurant

Machatunim

Walkers

The telephone

{ 102 comments… add one }
  • Laugh-a-minute June 22, 2010, 2:38 PM

    This is a very funny (and true) post.

    We have a relative who married a Taymanee (Yemenite Jew) who was in Hesder (combination of army and yeshiva) and certainly a real mentsch. Yet her European bred grandmother (other side) complained that she was marrying a “shvartze”. NO reasoning with her.

    Great post.

  • SELTZER June 22, 2010, 2:40 PM

    What happened to seltzer??? especially from the seltzer man??!!!!!

    • Y-Love June 23, 2010, 1:42 AM

      The combination of the capitalized bold-face “SELTZER” with this avatar has made me LOL like 4 times today.

      • Anonymous June 23, 2010, 3:22 PM

        Why?

      • Anonymous June 23, 2010, 3:53 PM

        What is so funny abou the avatar?

  • Chris_Halasz June 22, 2010, 3:08 PM

    OMGthat’s so funny! My own Grandmother is _totally_ the Shiksa version of this! It’s a European thing, this poor health and stubborn, kvetching old people! I love them! 🙂

    • Frumsatire Fan June 22, 2010, 3:27 PM

      Accumulating things in case they run out – f. ex. soap from hotels

      • Anonymous June 23, 2010, 2:15 AM

        My (non-Jewish) grandparents used to have a cupboard full of packets of loose-leaf tea, coffee and condensed milk ( v sweet syrupy stuff we have in the UK), ‘just in case’. I guess rationing in WW2 never left them! (the tea was out of date but they still used it).

        Also, my grandad used to go through the Births, Deaths & Marriages columns in the local papers every night – or Hatched, Matched & Despatched, as he used to call it…

        • Mahla June 23, 2010, 10:08 AM

          Hatched, Matched and Dispatched. That is HILARIOUS! ;^D

  • A23 June 22, 2010, 3:24 PM

    Concentration camps? Poor taste.

    • RbBC June 22, 2010, 5:11 PM

      I agree. Very poor taste. Why is that one funny? “Oh, those funny old people, they don’t like concentration camps, while we young people think they’re no big deal”

      Please remove it.

    • Tali June 22, 2010, 8:53 PM

      Oh I took it mean they don’t really do march of the living or anything like that. Too close and painful. Where as us young ones watch movies about the holocaust, do march of the living, study it at school etc. Old people really don’t like talking about it or anything to do with it. For obvious reasons. Thats what I thought the comment meant…

      • Mahla June 23, 2010, 10:09 AM

        Wow, Tali, good comment. It’s not as disgusting a comment as I first thought, if that’s what the person who posted it really had in mind. However, if that’s what he really meant he should have expressed it as well as you just did rather than letting us jump to our own conclusions.

    • Ripley June 23, 2010, 3:40 AM

      Seltzer funny. Concentration camps not funny.

      • J June 23, 2010, 10:34 AM

        Yeah the concentration camp one was stupid.

  • Shylock Slept Here June 22, 2010, 3:25 PM

    I wonder how old Jewish people feel about articles about old Jewish people. Just wondering.

  • Y-Love June 22, 2010, 5:17 PM

    ROFL — 50,000 points for the schav. That and gefilte fish gel are two Jewish foods I will never understand (pa’cha has equivalents in other communities, but there is nothing that compares to that damn gel. although I hear it ‘melts’ into fish sauce).

    And yeah can’t forget about SELTZER! In glass bottles from the seltzer man 🙂

    I used to have a hypothesis that non-Jews don’t drink seltzer. I never drank seltzer until I became Jewish. This got proven wrong when I invited my crew from Baltimore up to Brooklyn and my boy goes, “what is this? It tastes like Sprite with no flavor. It’s good though.”

  • Bubba Metzia June 22, 2010, 5:19 PM

    I lol’d at herring. My grandpa’s always trying to get me to eat pickled herring. I can’t stand the stuff but old people seem to love it.

    • A. Nuran June 22, 2010, 6:11 PM

      I used to like it. Then I got some from a bad batch and learned what the term “projectile vomiting” really means.

  • Y-Love June 22, 2010, 5:37 PM

    I LOVE herring. Just sayin’.

    Also grieven / gribboness / chicken cracklin’s …

  • EemaMD June 22, 2010, 7:11 PM

    Love the list!

    My bubbie (a”h) once introduced me to a friend of hers. She mentioned that my husband was a doctor. “Bubbie,” I said, “I’m going to be a doctor. Isn’t that more important?” The answer? “No.”

  • carolyn June 23, 2010, 2:22 AM

    You forgot seat-belts. Old people HATE seat-belts. Every time I’m in the car with my grandfather he complains that they should be retractable.

  • mason fan June 23, 2010, 6:48 AM

    What wrong with jackie mason? he’s funny!

  • zalman June 23, 2010, 8:49 AM

    not a huge fan of chazzones, but i would pay to hear someone sing in the style of Axl Rose.

  • Avrumy June 23, 2010, 12:52 PM

    Hard candies.
    Glass bowls on living room tables.
    Hard candies in glass bowls on living room tables.

  • AL June 24, 2010, 8:49 AM

    Silk scarf stylee tallit.
    Siddurim with Shakesperian English translation.

  • Lady-Light June 27, 2010, 1:07 PM

    Hey, I like herring. Don’t like schmaltz. Don’t have “Borscht Belt memories, ’cause only went to bungalow colonies as a small child, never to Catskills as an adult. Love seltzer (as said, you didn’t mention it). Don’t like hard candies. Don’t have glass bowl on coffee table. HATE plastic-covered couches. Love my grandchildren, but don’t have any pics to show people, ’cause they’re all on my computer (some on Facebook).

    And I love Sepharadim–have 2 Sepharadi daughters-in-law–gotta love ’em! And my older son’s wife-one just had her first baby, YAY!!
    (Oh, wait. I forgot: I’m not an “old Jewish people.”)
    Btw, what’s Shpatzirs? (My Yiddish is shvach.)

    • Alter Cocker May 5, 2012, 7:51 PM

      strolling around without a specific destination

  • Alter Cocker May 5, 2012, 7:45 PM

    “Concentration camps”

    Yeah, I can’t see why they’d dislike concentration camps. They’re so popular!

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