Everyone I have been speaking to on the phone lately has been asking me when I plan to move back to New York and just recently I tell them that as of now I could never imagine moving back east and that’s a pretty scary thought. I originally came out to California on a temporary basis. I was planning on returning in June, getting a normal job and getting married to my girlfriend at the time, and then two things happened. I fell in love with California and my girlfriend decided we shouldn’t get married – both things were heaven sent and I thank God every day for them.
Since my first road trip west, I have dreamt of living in the west. The expansive wilderness areas, amazing skiing and wide open spaces have always commanded a large space in my head. For one reason or another, that dream evaded me, for sometime I even gave up on it and wondered if I would turn out exactly like I told myself I wouldn’t – living in New York and working in a cubicle. I held a smattering of jobs, mostly one’s I didn’t enjoy – just to save up money to travel west and be with the land I loved so much, until that fateful day this past December when I decided to throw my three bikes in the back of my car and drive out to California.
I have been out west for nearly 5 months and it is one of the best decisions I have ever made, but it’s a scary one. Like I always do, I up and left, I am pretty sure some of my less spoken to friends have no idea that I don’t live on the east coast anymore. 8 months living in New York City was enough to tell me that I couldn’t handle that lifestyle, but I miss my friends. I fear that my friends and I will grow apart and things just won’t be the same – but, isn’t that how life works, things always change and evolve. I am making new friends out here and starting another portion of my life.
My commitment to the west was solidified by the fact that my mind has become worry free. With the help of some amazing scenery, some mind exercises and torah, I have developed this amazing feeling of freedom and love that I haven’t really experienced before. The last time I worked on myself like this, was about 8 years ago when I gave up anger. Years ago, I decided that being angry and regretting things just weren’t worth it – learning about the midah of ka’as (anger) wasn’t a good one and that started me on my road to anger freedom. I was never an angry dude, but like almost everyone I know I had anger episodes, road rage, regretting stupid things and allowing sadness to hole up inside me were all swept away. I am on a similar path of enlightenment – but this time it has to do with freeing the mind of worry and trying to appreciate all of the gifts that God has bestowed upon me by becoming aware of every little thing constantly.
My girlfriend of yore – I hate calling her my ex, because we are still best of friends, dragged me to Shamballa Meditation in the city one week, where we sat on the floor and watched yuppies meditating and feeling the love, all I felt was uncomfortable and I wondered if they would have any kosher food after the session. However, I did learn something very important that night, I learned about the Tyranny of the Mind. The Tyranny of the Mind is a Jewish concept as well, there is a lot of stuff written about the yetzer harah and his ability to cause ourselves trouble by allowing us to fret and worry, thereby breaking our patterns of mitzvah doing.
I was driving down the coast one afternoon, the sky was blue and there was saltiness to the air. I had just finished a beautiful ride at Wilder Ranch State Park in which I had ridden through meadows overlooking the ocean and redwood and eucalyptus forests. While driving the sudden thought hit me that I was alive, but not only was I alive and healthy, I was driving in a car, I could see all of these beautiful sights and I was living in a place that I truly loved – I pulled over and davened mincha right there, but more importantly, I had come to realization that I just wasn’t that aware of all of the things I should be constantly appreciative of. Focusing on the good has always been a quality of mine (I hope the readers understand that there is a huge gap to my blog me and this me) and I decided that would start to take over my life.
Soon after this life altering realization, I started seeing things in a whole new light. I started trying to appreciate my vision, by looking around more carefully and trying to take in every detail and understand the miracle of my healthy eyes. This tumbled over into all aspects of my life, right down to taking a nice long piss on a tree in the woods – good thing asher yatzar is one of my favorite brachos to say.
For sometime I wanted to talk about these self realizations, but it’s not easy for me to write personal stuff for such a large audience anymore. When I started realizing that tens of thousands of folks were going to read what I wrote, I started writing much less personal stuff and way more randomness. I know that some folks miss the personal goods and hopefully I will bring you more adventure posts and philosophy one of these days.
Anyway, I’m in the west, I’m loving life, making new friends and trying to figure out what I’m supposed to be doing here. My theory is that after the summer I’ll go corporate, I have been asked if I am looking for a job, I have asked if I have to cut my hair – the unequivocal answer is NO, this is California, people like it wild and no one ever wears suits to work – in fact I didn’t bring a suit out here, all I have is a brown sports coat with patches.
Summer is on its way and already I’m planning how to spend it when I’m not working (what you think I make a living off the blog alone?) and here are some of my ideas. I am planning on a Yosemite backpacking trip in the next few weeks, the main road is cleared of snow and open to bikes before cars so I want to hit that up too. I want to go hiking up in the Humboldt-Eureka area and do some more wandering around the northern California coast. I rode my bike around Annandale State Park in Santa Rosa last Friday afternoon and I got bitten by the bug, you ride through these grassy wildflower filled meadows and look at spruce covered ridges in the distance, I want more of Sonoma County real badly. I went skiing at Tahoe last weekend and need more Sierras, I was told to go to Desolation valley.
So far I have done some very detailed exploration of my area, I have in effect more knowledge of the outdoors recreation than many locals. I have mountain biked all around the bay area and Santa Cruz mountains. I have tried to get to every state park and open space area within a 100 mile radius, as well as trying to learn every back road by car and bike. It’s amazing how close everything is. You can live in the bay area and never drive more than 30 miles and be totally in the woods. Before moving here, I didn’t know it was possible to have a fully functioning frum community so close to wilderness adventure. I just need some close enough friends to drop me off at the sea to skyline trailhead in Big Basin Redwoods Park so I can hike the 38 mile trail one of these weeks. Anyone want to do it with me?
I miss my father, I miss my friends, I miss upstate New York dearly with its old romantic villages and oak and maple forests. I miss driving in New York; I miss the snow, the complaining, the food and the rude and up front people. Life is a wonder to me, I love it dearly and thank God constantly for it, but I wonder what I am supposed to be doing, what is my path? Why am I here? Am I here to blog and share my views with the world? I always wonder if it’s doing good things or bad things. I only see the good in the random letters I get from people who felt that I helped them in some sort of struggle? Does wandering around the wilderness alone do anything for the world besides bring me closer to God? Is that good enough?
On that note, it would be nice to find someone who had free time and wanted to do some backpacking trips.
Check out this photo album of my first few months in California
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{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }
Glad you like it out West.
This past year has been a horror for me. I lost the person I was closest to in the world. Reading your blogs usually pulled me out of my funk, for a short while anyway. After reading the above blog, I most commend you for changing from a young man with little direction.,I don’t mean that in a vicious way,to a man who is looking for purpose and meaning. I always felt closest to Hashem when I’m admiring nature. Nevertheless, bills, health insurance,etc need to be paid. I hope that this journey takes you to a good place. Being brought closer to Hashem is enough. Happy trails to you.
It actually sounds like you lost direction and feeling empty and trying to convince yourself that you have somehow become transformed. I think the girl screwed you up and you need to get married.
Actually I could have written this post at any time besides for the 8 months I endured in NYC, a terrible time for me even though I was in a great relationship.
I just like to keep my personal and blog life very separate, even detached if you may say.
This is a really great post. Clearly written from the heart, very sincere, and it was very moving to read. I don’t think we ever stop asking “Why are we here?” it’s something that we need to work on every day. Good luck on your journey of life wherever it takes you!
Hi,
I would very much appreciate if you could do a post about the differences between the NY area and California. I have never been to the west, so I wonder what makes it so different, that you find it so amazing.
Thanks.
Great post. Hope to see more like it.
Usually, people make a radical change in their lives as a way of coping with life’s events. While Metatron may be right, the fact that you were planning to get married and that is no longer the case is probably drving this new adventure of yours at least in part, I disagree with the fact that you NEED to get married. Every person has their own path in life. I hope you find yours. And it may or may not be as a married man. In the mean time, enjoy the journey and try not to whizz on every tree in the state, ok?
I definitely disagree with your judgement on Heshy’s need to get married. Loneliness sucks. And a family is the building block of the community. It feels good to feel like a building block of something, not in a literal sense though. I mean not like a brick or something. So Heshy find another ho, and drag her by the hair under the chuppa
Hahaha – ‘cuz dragging a “ho” by the hair under the chuppa is the foundation of every healthy and lasting marriage.
I am happily married and, when asked, would recommend marriage as a step in the lives of two people who are spiritually ready for the commitment. What I was disagreeing with, is that you took it upon yourself to tell another person what they need. Like I said, everyone has their own path in life. I wouldn’t even tell my closest friends what they NEED to do on any subject. I choose my words very carefully when offering my opinions so as not to come across as if I’m imposing my views on anyone. I am not against marriage or against Heshy getting married. I hope you understand what I’m getting at here.
I was just offering a piece of very good advice. Moreover, I am sure he wants to get married anyway. So I was just supporting him in what I know he already knows himself. I only wish Heshy what I wish for myself: a really hot girl who likes to climb things and walk in different places and bike down mountain slopes only rarely falling and requiring 3 stitches but not regretting it at all because it was worth it. She might not be muscular or smell very good but most guys will look past that because she will be so hot and know her Jewish Geography.
I totally want to get married, but I don’t want it bad enough to fly places I don’t want to be for dates or join dating sites. If I wanted to get married badly enough – I wouldn’t have moved to the Bay area – our “singles community” is population 1o
That was really beautifully written Heshy-heartfelt, and the writings of a young man who is passionate about finding a life of meaning and purpose.
Even when writing your satirical posts, you find a way of exposing the trivia of Jewish life, like the extraneous customs or the idiosyncrasies of the communities we live in, in a way which reminds us all that they are just that; Trivial. Your perspective is honest about what really matters, the love, truth, and tranquility which is supposed to be the crown of our Jewish people. As Hillel said, “Everything else is just commentary on the main idea.” It sounds to me like your journeys in the West and your personal introspection are getting you closer to finding out the “main idea,” and when you see it for all its beauty and splendor, be sure to share it with us here back East. Then your experiences will be reason enough for everyone involved; your readers, God, and most importantly, yourself.
“What I want is what I’ve not got, but what I need is all around me. Reach and search and never stop.” -Dave Matthews Band
Keep reaching, keep searching, and never stop, Heshy. And of course, we’ll keep reading:)
Kol tuv Achi!
We (Monsey Mountaineers) get that great feeling every weekend we go hiking in Harriman, Catskills or the Adirondacks.
There are millions of people in the immediate NYC area and only a VERY SMALL percentage ever take advantage of what we have here.
I’m sure its no different anywhere else.
Great post.
Surprisingly the orthodox Jews in the Bay Area aren’t really into the outdoors at all. They live minutes to the redwood forested mountains and don’t really take advantage.
Great post, from the heart. So glad you are so happy. Hope to read more of these posts in the days to come.
Great post, very well-written and awesome thoughts behind it. I read this after a busy day in the middle of a difficult period, and found it very inspiring. Kol hakavod, and best wishes!
ha!! your funniest post yet!! i love the satire!!
These personal posts make it clear that you have a huge heart and a bright mind, and coincidentally this is one of my favorite posts. I hope that HaShem gives you clarity of your purpose and helps you utilize all of your talents (your sense of humor, keen awareness and insight of society, understanding personality…to name a few!)
Also, I sort of know what you mean about the west coast…although I haven’t been there yet (I just bought tickets for the summer though!!!) I’ve been researching and reading all about California and the more I read, the more I fall in love with the beautiful land. Second only to the Land of Milk and Honey, it seems to be a land of peace and a tribute to HaShem’s breathtakingly gorgeous world!
Actually it’s really anywhere to the west of the Rockies – I pick Montana as my fave place to be in the states
Is Montana amazingly gorgeous? I bet it is…but how small is the Jewish “community”? Like 4 people?
You’re going to miss out on motzei shabbos at 7/11 in Monsey.
Great post — probably my favorite ever!
it looks beautiful there. You are an interesting character, I like your blog a lot, – so thanks m8!
I should hook you up with this random biker friend I have, you two would probably get along famously.
On a side note, great post. I love self realization.
California does have something special. Enjoy.
Oh, and I want to hit up the Redwoods.
I used to think hitting up the redwoods meant going to the national park – there are redwoods 10 minutes from my house.
Great that you’ve found happiness!
I like your idea of appreciating every thing you see and the miracle of your eyes. It’s good to thank Hashem as much as possible, and so by appreciating your eyes and the things you see, you’re cultivating a feeling of appreciation to Hashem. Great!
It reminds me a little bit of the Bilvavi’s recommendation to constantly remember and feel that everything in the world is a creation of Hashem.
http://bilvavi.net/content/view/282/32
The Ramak taught that one should “should constantly pray for mercy and blessing for the world just as the Supernal Father has mercy on all His creatures.” Likewise, Rebbe Nachman taught that because the Talmud says each person should consider the world as if it were created just for us, this means we should always be praying for the world and thinking of ways to improve it. So if part of what you do while wandering in the wilderness is to pray for others and the world, that’s very good. It’s not just bringing you closer to Hashem, it’s helping the entire world. As the Besht taught, every prayer makes a difference and has a beneficial effect — even if it’s not what we had in mind. Even so, that doesn’t mean that you’re not meant to do more than just wander in the woods. I’m sure Hashem has many other things in store for you — with prayer and time you’ll find out what they are.
Hesh I have found that this song has been helping me feel pretty good and I think it sums up your post fairly well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5QwVLMDeTE
Praying and connecting with Hashem alone in nature is an age-old Jewish practice. See Rav Shalom Arush’s great book from last year, In Forest Fields. R’ Lazer Brody, who works with R’ Arush, actually seems to have helped some kids conquer ADD and other problems by getting them to spend more time in nature with their parents. Which shouldn’t be surprising, since nature is our, well, natural habitat.
I enjoyed reading how you’ve disentangled yourself from everything in NYC… I did that 2 years ago when I went to Tzfat for 6 weeks, it was magical, but I still had the return to the ‘real world’ hanging over my head.
Another time this happened was 4 years ago, I was enjoying my time at home and dreading returning to university. And then the still small voice in my brain went, “But Why do you have to leave?” And this overwhelming sense of POSSIBILITY and FREEDOM came over me- I didn’t have to return! I could stay! Anyways, it was amazing… but those realizations seem to happen once every 2 years for me. I guess another is due right about now…?
Anyways, enjoy yours, these are the crucial changes that define our lives.
amazing photos!!! which camera did you use?
Great Post! I enjoy your site immensely. My husband, almost two year old son and I live in Texas, but enjoy getting away in the summers to the West Coast. We went to Yosemite and hiked half dome with me 36 months pregnant. We have gone on some trips organized by the JOC of New York with Alon Krausz. You might be interested in some of their stuff. Nice people, kosher food all arranged and really reasonable pricing. Anyways, totally enjoying living viariously through your adventures in California. Hoping we’ll be able to move out there or somewhere similar someday sooner.
Heshy,
I’m really glad to hear you like it here. I do think that the bay area is as close to being a utopia as it gets.
Thank you for writing this truly sincere piece. I really connected.
~E
Best of luck, dude.
The desire to feel spiritually connected is what drives some people. It sounds like you’re in a good place.