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If the girl’s ugly, just pretend you’re the deliveryman

My buddy has a problem — he tends to get set up with ugly girls. This problem is multiplied by the fact that he lives in the middle of nowhere and has to fly 4 hours into New York City for what he calls Shidduch Marathons. During these marathons, he frequently goes to girls houses to pick them up.

The door opens and the girl says his name and most of the time he wants to say, “No, I think I have the wrong apartment.” Unfortunately for him, he’s way too cordial to ever say what he is actually thinking. I think life what suck if we could just say the things we were thinking. Everyone would be killing each other. Can you imagine what people would say to each other on Shidduch dates or at the Shabbos table if it were totally cool to speak our minds? I used to speak my mind much more – but as an adult I’ve learned that most people can’t handle the truth and so I just write it instead.

We were talking the other day and I told him he should just bring an empty pizza box whenever he goes to pick up the girl. He can get one of those small boxes and pretend he’s the deliveryman when she opens the door and looks nothing like her Frumster or Saw You at Sinai pictures — and we all know they never do.

{ 43 comments… add one }
  • Eli April 18, 2010, 1:13 PM

    I can relate. I haven’t used it, but that’s what the “Lemon Law” is for.

  • Anonymous April 18, 2010, 1:49 PM

    If he keeps getting set up with unattractive girls, there must be a reason. Maybe he should look in the mirror. Maybe the girls see him and want to say “Oh I’m not that Chanie, you want the one on West Street, not West Road.

    • Levy Bernstein April 18, 2010, 2:10 PM

      Have you ever been to New York City?

  • ishchayill April 18, 2010, 2:14 PM

    Here’s a good reason to be brutally honest: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Radical_Honesty

  • Kim April 18, 2010, 3:11 PM

    Are you serious? You wouldn’t stick around long enough to figure out where the girls’ true beauty lies, and learn to love her as she is?
    Talk about ugly! Physical beauty is only temporary, everyone loses it eventually. Some people are “ugly” in their youth, but gain physical beauty later in life. Those people stay attractive much longer, since they don’t put their bodies under as much stress as the beautiful girls do to theirs.

    • Happily Misogynistic April 18, 2010, 10:07 PM

      I fail to understand why you’re not currently in the kitchen making me a sandwich.

      • HannahBanana April 20, 2010, 3:10 PM

        HA HA HA HA!!! That was great.

      • Esther April 21, 2010, 2:12 PM

        Hahahha. Reminds me of an old Saved by the Bell episode (see, cuz’ my cable bill is not so high so I still watch my TV) where they had to play house for a class. Dialogue between Jessie and Slater:

        Jessie: Haven’t you ever heard of the Women’s Movement?!
        Slater: Yeah, put on something cute and MOVE it into the kitchen!

        And because G-d works in mysterious ways, I hope you end up marrying a feminist 🙂 Ahh…a feminist and a mysoginist – a match made in heaven

  • Phil April 18, 2010, 3:41 PM

    Physical attraction is extremely important. How is a guy supposed to love and respect his wife if he is repulsed by her?

    My dad use to pull the “I forgot my cigarettes in the car” back in his dating days, he’s just take off. Of course, that was before facebook and Jdate, it was all done by word of mouth and phone, no pics invloved. As you can imagine, the potential for disastrous surprises was a lot higher.

    • Anonymous April 19, 2010, 12:47 PM

      Who wants to date a smoker, anyway?

      • Phil April 19, 2010, 3:11 PM

        That was back in the days when smoking was cool and fashionable.

      • DrumIntellect April 20, 2010, 12:11 PM

        Who said he was a smoker?

  • Kim April 18, 2010, 4:15 PM

    Why does it only matter what the guys think? Love and respect aren’t related to physical attraction. Girls are not only body parts.

    • Phil April 18, 2010, 4:49 PM

      It very much matter what guys think, they are the ones girls are marrying. Guys don’t love girls body parts, but they need to be attracted to the total package. Anyone that thinks or convinces themselves otherwise is simply fooling themselves.

    • NewYorker April 18, 2010, 10:34 PM

      girls are two holes – three if the guy is lucky

      • Zvi Lampert April 19, 2010, 5:15 PM


      • Tova April 19, 2010, 5:29 PM


        • f April 19, 2010, 6:07 PM

          Omg this one made me laugh! I always tell my husband that if women would just tast it they would love it, it is better then the best ice cream cone it tasts great

          • Tova April 19, 2010, 7:33 PM

            Thanks for sharing…not.

            • Yochanan April 20, 2010, 4:18 PM

              Thanks for 90s era form of sarcasm.

      • Esther April 21, 2010, 2:25 PM

        I always knew “nice Jewish boys” were off the chain… the frummer they are, the freakier.

        @NewYorker – if you want to get anywhere near anything resembling a hole, you gotta play nice

        @Phil and Kim – yes, Kim, you’re right that girls are more than body parts. With that said, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and Phil has a valid point – the guy at the door needs to be able to find the girl attractive because if that attraction is just not there they’ll never be more than friends…

      • A. Nuran April 21, 2010, 8:26 PM

        Seven if he can, err, get by with a tomato leaf instead of a fig leaf.

        • Esther April 22, 2010, 12:27 PM

          If he can get by with a tomato leaf he can keep it

    • DrumIntellect April 20, 2010, 12:12 PM

      “Why does it only matter what the guys think?”

      Did you seriously write that?

      • DrumIntellect April 20, 2010, 12:14 PM

        My bad. I didn’t read your comment correctly.

        You are correct. It’s not “only” what the guy thinks.

  • Kim April 18, 2010, 5:19 PM

    Of course, but does it matter at all what girls think? Guys aren’t the only ones in the relationship. Girls need to be attracted to the total package too. If guys didn’t only love body parts, they wouldn’t run away if she was “ugly.”

    • Phil April 18, 2010, 6:10 PM


      Girls have the equal right to reject a guy if they don’tlike his looks. Any rejection by either party may very well be because of a specific body part, long nose, fat butt, etc.

      Rambam actually allows for marriage to be nullified because of abnormal physical traits, such as moles, body odour and uneven breasts.

      • Fartman April 19, 2010, 4:30 PM

        What about farting? Can a marriage be nullified due to excessive farting? If so than I’m in trouble!

        • Phil April 19, 2010, 5:12 PM


          I think that depends on whether or not is cholent related.

  • Kim April 18, 2010, 6:22 PM

    it was just all in discussion. of course people can’t be perfectly accepting of everything.

  • aml April 18, 2010, 7:11 PM

    He can’t get a photo before hand?

  • RIZZO April 19, 2010, 8:45 AM

    Kim i disagree the pretty girls today will be the pretty girls of tomoorw precisley because they care so much. Also ive known a few Yeshiva guyswuith their head s in the clouds and married a gril based on their inner beuaty- these same guys when they come back down to earth are miserable believe me from a mas perpective bueaty is very very important. If it wasnt there would ber no marriage in the first place. Even the torah calls Rachel ‘shapely’. Bingo- and Jacob wanted her. Leah who was ‘unattractive eyes’ was not loved or wanted practically her entire married life with Jacob until she somewhat proved herself by having so many children. Maybe this is what the Chassidic commnity follows- the Leah model. Yet Jacob was the greatest of of the great. NEough said, beauty is importnat also inner beaty but the Torah says many times about certqain beautifuo woman- Sara also.

  • Eric In Chicago April 19, 2010, 12:57 PM

    Physical beauty is also a gift and blessing from Hashem. Attractiveness gives a person influence over other so those who have it had best use it for good!

    “Guys don’t just want sex. We want dinner and clean underwear, too!” – Anon

  • Susanne April 19, 2010, 4:38 PM

    What’s he look like? Does he deserve a Hot Chani? Maybe he needs to Lower his Expectations.

  • RIZZO April 19, 2010, 4:48 PM

    Who me? Sorry ladies.. taken.

  • Zvi Lampert April 19, 2010, 5:16 PM

    “just pretend you’re the pizza deliveryman”
    I though that was a reference to the cliche premise of porn films. lol.

  • Zvi Lampert April 19, 2010, 5:18 PM

    Do you know where the word ‘shidduch’ comes from?
    The first Jewish guy who ever went on a blind date. Took one look at the girl and said “Shit! Uch!”

  • chaim April 19, 2010, 5:43 PM

    very important question- what happens if she is hot- what’s he supposed to say then.

    1. I bought this in case you were a dog.
    2. Um want some pizza?

    Neither one would work out well.

    • Jim April 19, 2010, 6:04 PM

      If she’s hot, then just say you found it left it by the door.

      I have been tempted many a time to say “Is this the ‘Horowitz’ family (or are you ‘Chani Horowitz’) when I knew I was suppose to pick up Chani Yentalovitch. I just never had the guts!

      Another problem arises when she already know what you look like, you cant just say you are someone else or you are looking for someone else. How do you know in todays time with facebook, flickr, picasa, etc that she hasn’t found or been given a picture of you without your knowledge!

  • Realistically Religious April 20, 2010, 1:43 PM

    Just because the person’s physical appearance may not necessarily meet your aesthetic expectations doesn’t mean you have to be a cowardly jerk about it. Imagine if you went to pick up a girl and she didn’t approve of your looks. How would you have dealt with her telling you that you have the wrong address and that your “date” lives a couple blocks away? So what if the girl is ugly? Just suck it up for one night and get it over with. You don’t have to ask her out again. Sometimes that’s the consequences you have to deal with when it comes to shidduch dating. If your friend complains that he is constantly being set up with ugly girls then he should try a different dating avenue.

  • Metatron April 20, 2010, 3:41 PM

    There is no such thing as ugly jewish girls. There are only poor jewish girls.

  • Esther April 21, 2010, 2:39 PM

    Love this post! I know I’m supposed to be righteously offended on behalf of all females everywhere, but its too funny to offend and the comments are priceless! That’s why I’ve replied to a few 🙂

    Don’t know if I have any real advise for your friend though. On the one hand, its not the end of the world if he goes through with the date even though he’s already decided in his head that he thinks the girl is ugly and it won’t work. It’s the polite and civilized thing to do.

    On the other hand, if he travels for these things and feels they are like marathons, then he probably doesn’t want to waste his time on something he knows won’t work out. Maybe he needs to be more specific when stating what he’s looking for, mention that looks are important… may improve things.

    Or, if all else fails, grow a pair and tell the truth. “I’m sorry, I don’t think this will work out so I don’t want to waste your time or mine. Buh-bye.” Better than pretending to be the pizza guy…in my humble opinion.

  • Ilana L February 6, 2011, 2:47 AM

    UUUMmm, physical beauty is so important for some, isn’t it? The whole package includes money, looks and fashion accessories. However these wonderful so called ‘ugly girls’ have made a lucky escape and thank G-D they did not get to waste their time with some one as shallow and least likely to make a sensitive caring husband as this guy sounds.
    Get a life and grow up. Really ‘wonderful looking’ people are often egotistical and airheads who are hard to be around for too long. In plain packages comes real beauty that lasts a lifetime.

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